HIGH SCHOOL

Some people cringe at those two words. Some are daydreaming of their glorious days as: cheerleader, football player, all around popular person. Yes I am in high school, but I don’t really go to one like that. When I was finishing my last year of middle school. Everyone kept saying things like, " Cherish these years", " These will be the best days of your like".

I hope to hell they aren’t, really I could see cherishing them. But, most people who say some bs like that don’t enjoy their lives now, and they see high school as that time they wish they could relive. ( Oh yes, I took two years of psychology, I understand people very well.)


BREAKING NEWS: I am in love with Ms. NdegeOcello, today’s songs are wonderful, deep, and deeper. I am so angry that I just discovered her. Because, I am only allowed to listen to gospel music, because, anything else will send my soul to hell. It makes me wonder what other artist am I missing out on. Also, I want to know why I have never heard of her on the radio. ( and how to pronounce her last name lol)


BACK TO REGULAR PROGRAMMING: My school is across the city, it is an hour (at least) ride there. It is fun sometimes traveling all around the city, but it is a hassle sometimes. Especially, since my school day begins at 7:50, (one minute late and your marked tardy) which means of course I’m out the house at 6:50 ( or earlier). (But mostly later, I was late over 50 times last year.) Which means in turn that, I have to wake up at around 5:30 to get myself to look somewhat presentable to the world. You know get my lips blistexed, and my face just needs a rub of alcohol on a cotton square. ( I thank God for good skin on my face, and not having breakouts and all that other mess.) An application of cocoa butter to my face, the rest of my skin is very weird. I can use a type of lotion for about two weeks. Then it’s like my skin can no longer use it to get moisturized, and it makes me look ashy. I have naturally soft skin, but I need lotion, so I don’t look like I was playing in a kilo of crack. (ashy) This year I have decided that I want an odor. ( in a good way of course) Finding a mans' cologne is HELL. They are always so damn strong like rat piss, that’s been boiled, concentrated, and bottled, then sold for $50.00 in a 3 oz. tube. ( And especially in high school, the boys try to smell good, but they don’t know how to apply cologne.)


PEOPLE LISTEN THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO APPLY COLOGNE OR PERFUME( but most girls know how to handle their shit.)


1.Spray three spritzes in the air in front of you about arm length in front of you. One high around you head, one medium around you torso, and one low around your knees. And RUN, not walk and stand. RUN through the cologne mist.

2. Spray one spritz on both wrists, then rub your wrist together, then hit your pulse points on your neck. You want people to say he smells good, not who the hell is wearing cologne. And people, everyone cannot pull off the same damn smells, we all have different natural body odors, find something that smells good on you. Really it should enhance your smell. JUST BECAUSE YOUR FRIEND USES CALVIN KLEIN DOESN’T MEAN, THAT TAG WON’T SMELL GOOD ON YOU. ( And girls Love Spell doesn't work for everyone sorry.) My scent that I am starting out with is Axe Effects ESSENCE. I really like it. (It's the spray that the cute boy in the "1,2, Step" video was spraying when Ciara walked by. Right before the skating.)


Anyway, (lol) usually I am mad that school is starting again, but somewhat want to go back. To see what classes I’m taking, who will be in my class, and just the drama of others. This year I don’t care at all. I think it’s because I know my classes.

I am taking Advanced Placement courses this year ( they not only raise your GPA because they multiply your averages at the end by 1,2. So if I got an 80 average in a class, the final average would be a 96. In May, we take this test and if I score well enough, I will be able to skip some courses in college. I looked on Washington’s website and if get a 5 on the test then I skip 10 units in Chemistry.)


I am taking Ap Chemistry and AP Computer Science (Java)


I am taking three honors classes. (These classes multiply by 1.15, and they are to prepare me for next years AP classes.)


I am taking Honors English, and Algebra II, and Pre Calc (or elementary functions I don’t which one) I am taking double math, so that next year I can take AP Calculus, and I am going to take AP English, and I’m thinking about AP Physics, and AP American History( I am definitely doing AP History, English, and Calculus though next year.)


These classes are faster paced then, regular classes. ( But since my school is ranked so high, last year we were all taking Rapid classes, and we didn’t know it. Rapid classes multiply by1.1)


I am not looking forward to history class, I don’t like history at all. First because, it is a boring subject. I am always told that I need it to not repeat it. I don’t believe that I am going to enslave, declare war, or cause a genocide. I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS CLASS. But I have to. My second thing is, I don’t like learning history that is one faced, I want to learn history as it is. Not the edited version by America to make us look so damn good. We all know the truth, can we expose it for what it is. It shows how the government are a bunch of bitches, can we admit to who we bombed, who we killed. OH NO let’s focus on 9-11 ( not saying that wasn’t bad.) But we have had some evil affects on world history, but in our books we are made to sound like heroes. This always makes me wonder. How is history taught and portrayed in other countries educational systems.


OH WAIT! MOST OF THOSE CHILDREN ARE IN SLAVE LABOR, BUT WE CAN’T FOCUS ON THEM. LET’S FOCUS ON SOME DAMN WAR


RIGHT!


Don’t get me started. LoL

Back to my classes, I know my classes, and the majority of my teachers. ( they all love me of course.) And since I am going to be in the faster paced classes I am going to be with the smart kids.


I am a smart kid, but these are the kids that fret over losing a scholarship, because they got one point wrong on classwork. They all have there group, and I really want nothing to do with them. I am always around them since I am in the upper part of the class. (I believe that I am around 20th in the ranking.) And there are a few nice people, but they drive you insane. They are all always being fake to one another, they all want to be first in the class. But then act like they don’t care who’s first. (Everyone knows whose first. Let’s call her Candy, Candy has averages of 104 in classes but since the teachers can only put 101 on report cards, she comes out with straight 100's. I was jealous at one point, but I am me. I could not deal with being one of those people who cry ( they literally cry) over getting a problem wrong on a test.


I want some of my hags ( Who aren’t really hags, because, they don’t know I’m gay.) in my class, I must have Ra-Ra. (One of my girl friends at the school) She is always like," you so feminine"," When you going to get you some pussy? That’s what you need." I love her so much, I would tell her but she hates gay people. She’ll find out around the time we graduate, but she said she’s not coming back this year. I hope she does.)


My goals this school year, I don’t want to be late at all. I want to become cultured about politics, I want to learn more of my African culture, my homo culture, and of other cultures. I am very interested in different cultures, and religions and stuff like that.(That means not getting the Metro and just skimming the first few pages until entertainment.) I want to be able to talk intellectually about world affairs. I will get straight A’s ( with God’s help). And if I don’t, I won’t be tripping. But, anything less than honor roll is unacceptable by me. I am starting this years reading list with Langston Hughes, Gwendolyn Brooks, and Emily Dickinson’s poetry. Then I want to learn about the Harlem Renaissance, ( I haven’t learned about it in school) ( Yes. The Philadelphia school district sucks.) Also there is this book called" Gay Voices of the Harlem Renaissance" that I am very interested in, ( I’m smuggling it into the house this Friday. I am such a bad ass always smuggling things that I know, that if my parents knew I had they would flip. But my life is so boring I need some entertainment, or rather a rush of knowing that they could discover it.). I have so much to read, so much to engulf my mind with, it’s going to be hard. But I want to read more than what I did last year, ( which is a lot, I mean I do work at a library.) These are all my personal lessons, I believe in teaching myself outside of school. Because, school doesn’t teach too much of what I like, or am interested in at a certain time.


My favorite subjects are Chemistry and Espanol, I am always naturally good at math. ( I didn’t feel Geometry too much it was simple, but I love Algebra) And I can write an essay at the snap of a finger, but I don’t like to give off some generic essay ( which I do mostly for school unless the topic moves me.)


Extracurriculars.. I have so many at this school. I am in 6 programs. I don’t have any leadership titles but being in them is enough for me. This year I am joining Honor Society (for honor roll people) and student government, (I am not running, because, everyone would rumor and what not. And no one wants a (rumored) faggot, as body president.)( I will get into the whole (rumored) faggot thing tomorrow) I am very cool with the teacher that sponsors the student government, ( She is my advisor, and friend.) she said that I could be a member at large. It doesn’t require much, and I get something to put on my college resume. Let’s hook it up lol. I am joining this program that takes us out of our school, and shows us schools in the suburbs.


My school is a magnet college prepatory school, it is third in the city. It is in the hood though. We are predominantly black, and Latino. This school proves that minorities are smart and have futures. You have to have high test scores, and excellent grades to get in. However, there are some kids who have all these brains, but fail classes because they want to become a rapper. ( Not saying they think they have to fail in school to become a rapper. It’s more that since they know they’ll make it as a rapper, they don’t need to pay attention in class, because, rapping will make them hit easy street. GOD BLESS THESE DUMB ASS LITTLE BOYS. But I must admit, there some people in the school that are like WHOA, they really could get a deal. But not every one of them are getting a deal.)


The teachers at my school like me. I am a good student and I do my work. I charm most of the teachers, with making friends with them and being respectful. But, there are some teachers that are just horrible that I wish didn’t know me. ( You know that evil teacher that hates children.) He knows my name, he walks around with this little compute. Whenever he stops a student in the hallway. He can look us up on the School District website and see our grades and behavior and what not. THAT BASTARD STOLE MY MP3 PLAYER. I got it back though under his nose. The vice principal (who is rumored to once have been a man , I will get into that later.) One day when I was waiting for my friends to go catch the train. She walks up to me and she asks me if I was Marcus ( that’s my name yall lol) and then my last name ( I won’t be disclosing that). I reply" yes", "You’re one of the good ones aren’t you?". She said it all mysteriously in her husky voice like a detective, trying to get me to say a certain thing, so she can arrest my ass. " I guess"," Then she ran down what I did in the school, how I’m on honor roll, and told me to keep it up, because, I’m one of the good ones." I thanked her, but it is horrible walking the hallways, and you see the vice/principal and they are like how are you Marcus. FORGET MY NAME. My school is very small, we have about 600 children. (Probably more now because this years freshman class is huge.)


Alright new subject is anyone else desperately waiting to see the new Season of "House" (not the whole season) but the series premiere with .The buff dude( who looks a lot like. LL) with one of those flimsy hospital gowns on. The doctors pinning him to the table as the ripped gown is about one inch from showng his penis. And then him kicking his legs up in the air. I WILL BE WATCHING, WITH SOME ICE CREAM AND COOKIES IN HAND. lol.


Alright and on" R U the girl?", what was wrong with them girls. Acting like they afraid of some naked men, I would have had a ball with them strippers.. I would have taken those fresh dollar bills (that looked like the just came from the mint.) And wrapped them around their manhood, like a condom and see how money would hold up. HEYY. ( Can you hire strippers for a party that only you will be at. HMMM. I’m having some ideas how to blow some money, when I’m in college. " That’s right sir I need the strippers to come to dorm room 12 B". Lol)I have decided that I want Mirrah to win, I feel her vibe.

Isn't my husband beautiful? This is Freddy Adu, we hear so much about him in school. He is a professional soccer player at the age of 15, and he has a college degree. He is from Africa, ( Ghana I believe or Kenya). DON'T TRY TO GET WITH HIM YOU WILL BE CUT LOL.


ON " So you think you can dance", I want Kamilah to win, and that’s all there is to it.

Big Brother 6, I am glad that they are finally getting rid of James. Ivette all the way, and Beau but Ivette has to win.

On the news, I am so saddened by the devastation by Katrina, but it saddens me even more. That it takes a huge event like this to soften people’s hearts or to make them pray or show forth love. I know that the people down there will make it through. They showed what Mr. Poaches ( the killer and kidnapper of Latoyia Figueroa.) did. He killed her in their apartment, and then hid her under the bed, because, his other girlfriend was coming over. I am truly sickened by the fact that she has another daughter who will have to live without her. I think she was too pretty to be with him. (He is very unattractive.) I don’t know. He was truly an ugly man on the inside and outside, they are going to bang him crazy in jail. They don’t play that kill an innocent woman and child and get away with it. I’m sure he’ll be killed in prison, and that’ sad too.

Well that is all for today. Tomorrow in my welcome back to school edition posts, I will be focusing on: Popularity, and my social status in school. It will be excellent. ( I’ll probably have to get bitter before I write it and listen to some Ms. Blige.)

How many of yall are cringing thinking about your popularity in high school? I KNOW FOR A FACT, THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE READING MY BLOG THAN MR.. JACKSON, AND MS. PAM. I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU.

P.S. I was very surprised to find out I have international readers. Hello people from different countries, I am sorry that our country is always acting like a big dick, and that’s how we are viewed sometimes. But, you must admit there are some wonderful things you can do with a big dick. lol

Buy the truth and sell it not: also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding-Proverbs 23:23


(Don’t I look so hypocritical, saying the bible is all wrongly translated. And I’m quoting it’s wrongness, but Proverbs is the truth. It hits hard and you learn so much form each verse.)

-Marz

ROAD TRIP WITH THE HEIFERS

I went on a semi-road trip with the crazy ladies. I was told to be ready by 3 o’clock. I slow-poked around, and took a nice soothing bath, with some classical music. As I lay in the tub, I just thought about nothing. ( it was wondeful, my mind is always filled to the brim with thought.) I got ready, and I heard my sister and my mom screaming something. I came downstairs and they were gone. Now how were supposed to be going under clothes shopping. HOW IS MY MOTHER GOING TO BUY MY UNDERWEAR, SOCKS, OR T-SHIRTS.

I changed back into my pajama pants, and wifebeater, and I went to check my mail. Then they pull up, and are like hurry up why aren’ you dressed.

BECAUSE YALL HEIFERS LEFT ME.

I get ready a second time, and we are off. I am handed some coupons and a sale circular to pick what kind of snacks I wanted. ( Since my mother is taking over the shopping, because my dad is at Septa. She wants to make sure we have snacks.) We get to Wal-Mart and my mom is like let’s go get some underwear, all cheery the way she normally is. We get into the aisle, and she says that she only has a certain amount of money. I got so mad, why bring us to get stuff if you know that you don’t have enough money for everything. That we’re going to get. What sense does it make to get just one part of underclothing. Then I was off to pick some underwear.


There has been so much added along, when I was little it was only briefs, boxers, and boxer briefs. The world of men’s uinderwear has changed so much.


I am looking at the different kinds (really I was checking out the size of the penises ( is that the plual form lol) on the underwear models.) My favorite male underwear models are Frederick Ljunberg ( I would love to give him a passion mark around his puma tattoo), Mr. Kodjoe, and this other mysterious man who poses for Hugo Boss. Looking at the models I was brought back to when I was a young fag, ( I am still young maybe not so faggy as I was, ( lord knows I have so much in me though lol) and I used to open the packages of underwear and steal the cardboard things, with the models on them. ( They were pornography to me) I would come home and have a good ole time with me. LOL. Now I don’t need some cardboard things, my imagination and dreams are so vivid. I swear that I am having sex in my dreams. (Sleep sex will be the new innovation to explain why some women are pregnant, when they are celibant.) But, I am having a new issue, why are the men in the underwear model cardboard thing always soft(unerect). I mean if I was in an underwear picture I would want my dick to look as big as it possiobly could.( Basically I want some big dicked men in underwear. Or at least for the models now to be hard damn.)lol And sense I have male genitals and can determine things logically. The lump you see most of the time is their (the models) balls. I should make a brand of underwear for big dicked men, they probably feel all restrained in the little underwear. Yes and there would be this man with the biggest penis on Earth, (I will find theman who has it.) as the cover model.


I picked some, and my mom is like well why don’t you get those, they’re cheaper. I started to yell at her, because, why bring me to get underwear and other stuff, when you don’t have money for it all. We should have just waited until you got the rest of the money. Then I started yelling we’re poor, and I’m sick of it. I can’t wait until I start working, ( which is next week) so then I can buy my own clothing. Then I got the other type ( it really wasn’t a big deal they were boxers.) Then I went to get some socks. ( Ankle socks or course, everything else is fugly. With a capital FU) We leave the section, and she is trying to say I want you to go through your clothes, and see what you need. I cut her off, because, she says the same thing every year ( She said it like everyday last week a couple times a day). And I was telling her, I know, then she got angry telling me. She’s my mother, and don’t cut her off. ( When you cut my mother off she makes sure to make her stupid little speech, a long stupid speech.) After that I went off to electronics, to listen to Mr. West cd. It was only 13.88 Wal-Mart is so great. I was mad because, since I am not allowed to listen to wordly music. I can’t get his cd until I go off to college. Then I got mad because the clips were only 30 seconds and they were instrumental parts of the songs.


I left electronics to go to the book section. ( I think I missed the environment of books, that’s why I love the library.) I get there and my eye goes directly to the U.S. News Report on Colleges, and this other college report magazine. ( Where they give statistics about the different colleges and universities.) Since I already know, that I am going to Washington University in St.Louis. I just look them up. I read over them and I basically knew all the facts. ( I have been doing research about colleges literally since 12. I know where I’m going, what I’m majoring in, and how I’m going to pay for it.) ( cuz Lord knows my broke parents can’t pay a tuition of 32,000. ( Maybe one day they will though.)


Last year after filling out a survey, and taking the PSAT. A mass of colleges have written me, they aren’t like personal letters. But they know my name , and they want to meet me. Washington has contacted me and I am going to an informational presentaion in October. ( I think it’s an interview too. Damn that means one thing SHOPPING yayyyyy. I wish I had a gay best friend to shop with damn. Cuz females love to have their (closeted) gay friend help them find something. But they don’t give a damn what the hell you look like.) ( Well they do a little, because, a fashionable hag won’t have an ugly fag. That’s just how it works.)


Any way, I brought the magazine to my mother to sort of prepare her for what the university is. And show her about it. ( Because even though I know where I’m going she keeps acting like I’m going to Temple. (A university that is in Philly, and I can live at home with my family YUCK.)) She is reading it, and she is like saying whatever. I couldn’t decipher her words. A gorgeous boy walked by, I pointed at it and said read this I’ll be back. I went in the direction I saw him go. He was picking up photos I went down the aisle next to him, then came into the Photo Section. I didn’t look at him, after I saw his Paul Bunyan beard and realized that he had to be like 26. But I looked at the camera and he looked at me, his head turned all the way around and he stared. If I was that old person I would have felt all high in my self esteem. But my self-esteem is going to be high no matter if some dude looks at me or not. But damn he almost broke his neck. ( I must admit it did feel good.) I looked at some film, admired his ass (and his jeans, they were so flyy.) And went back to mother.


I get to mother and I see that my sister is preoccupying her. (My sister wants nothing to do with my mother until, I do. She never wants any attention until I want my mother to take notice of the smallest little thing) So while I’m trying to get my mother to read about my future university. She is acting like an ass trying to get my mother to look at her. My mother is now reading the race percentages. She reads them and she is like, I wish there were more black people. WHAT?( You have to know my mother, she is the most ( seemingly) nice people you can meet. I wouldn’t imagine her saying something like that.) Then I say what does it matter how many black people there are at the college. Then we get into this argument that it doesn’t matter. But I wouldn’t know how to react to an almost all white environment. She said that someone would come up to me and rub my skin to see if my darkness would rub off. I told her off, ( if you haven’t noticed I am an angry person, and I am a DRAMA KING. It doesn't take much for me parents to tick me off. Becuase, I know deep down she would like me at Drexel which is a twenty minute ride from home. They're trying to discourage me from leaving but trying to sugar coat it as worry.) Then she was like I was just making sure you know what might happen.


Then before we leave my sister and I have this argument. Because my mother and I wanted some White Cheddar Cheez-its ( they are so good.) And my sister says she doesn’t like them, so she wants Lays Sour Cream & Cheddar chips. I didn’t want them I wanted Cheez-its, I didn’t want some greasy chips. I compromised, the snack for us three would be an 11 oz. bag of chips. We leave Wal-Mart and we are driving over to Pathmark. I asked my mother why it mattered what the race percentages were. I love all races, like my friend Tim ( who is white) says. I am just like you, you just have a permanent tan. Although there may be a difference in culture and things like that. Aren’t we all people? Don’t we all want to be something in life? Will I not bleed if you cut me? Do we not all enjoy orgasms? ( I wouldn’t know I haven’t had one that isn’t self induced. lol) Then she went into how me being a child. I wouldn’t think of being in a prejudiced environment. She as a parent thinks like that. I had to lay her out again, I have been looking at colleges since I was 12. I know what I am looking for, and like there isn’t more prejudice in all black schools as there are other places. I am in a predominantly all black, and latino school. There some asians and some caucasians, but for the most parts everyone is a descedant of the slaves. The whole time she was talking about discrimination I began thinking. I be one of few black man on campus. ( that sounds so banging). I am going to be a gay black man. ( it is going to be so awesome to be out of the damn closet. ) I will go through some stuff ( hopefully not though). But I have gone through already, while my mom was talking. ( all her hang-ups usually go back to something she has went through or seen. She went to a Jewish college, 20 minutes form Philly. Since she is light skin the Jewish girls were nice to her, but the dark skinned girls weren’t liked. I am dark skinned and she sees the same thing for me. I am touched by her concern, but I am not going to cry if someone calls me a nigger ( I would probably laugh in their face. Who says nigger? Hicks from Alabama who are mad that the confederacy didn’t win, and sing Dixie in church that’s who.) Then my sister says to my mom." Do you even know your son? He's not the type of person to cry, because someone says something. he'll say something like you'll amount to nothing and go on." My sister knows me, when she tries to hurt my feelings she doesn't suceed. I have experience as the kid no one likes, who was always made fun of. Instead of continuing trying to make them like me. (Like the other kids.) I would say screw yall and play by myself, I have thick skin, and my tongue may be rusty but it's still sharp. I will probably be the only black man in a class. But I will shine and make sure everyone knows of my beautiful black gayness. Someone wants to hate on me, I will shit on you, but not give you the satisfication of knowing I am trying to be better than you.I will give you a smile and hello, because, everyone deserves it. But I am not going to college to make friends, I am there to begin my reign of the Earth. PEOPLE BEWARE I AM TRYING TO RULE THIS WORLD. I will make friends with whoever wants to be my friend, if someone is ignorant but willing to learn I will be there to teach. But I will not make myself the posterboy for Afircan Americans, Homosexuals, or men. And the many ways you can mix them together. But ignorant people if you don't like me then why the hell do you keep saying shit. (Believe me I have had too much experience already.) I told her when we get home she is going to look at Washington more in depth on collegeboard.com.

We go into Pathmark, and they acted crazy. My mom brought us out the house acting like she had about $100.00 when she knew she brought around 30. I was mad. We get back into the car and my sister and I got into a fight. I took the 11 oz. bag of chips from her, and said I'm not giving them back.

That hungry hippo ate the majority of the bag, i would say that she ate 9 of the 11 ounces. A quarter bag of chips are 1 ounce so she basically ate 9 quarter bags of chips. In the time between Wal-Mart and Pathmark which are in the same shopping center. I have to keep telling her, her mother, and my mother's husband. They are killing themselves, WE ARE BLACK, YOU TWO ARE BLACK WOMEN YALL KNOW THAT HEART TROUBLES ARE ONE OF THE MAIN THINGS THAT WILL KILL YOU. and you want to sit and eat the whole bag to yourself. I told my mom that she needs to make her daughter eat healthy. My sister doesn't like vegetables, fruit, exercise, anything healthy. And when her belly (which already looks a little pregnant) gets big and her self esteem drops. she can only blame herself. The whole ride home she is reaching into the back seat trying to steal the chips like a fat person. I told her that she is going to end up in the hospital. Alongside her mother and I'm going to poke them both with sticks. (Yes I ate some chips but a rational amount maybe 10). When we got home she finished off the rest of the chips. SHE ATE $ 2.75 WORTH OF CHIPS IF THEY WERE BROUGHT IN QUARTER BAGS. Lord bless her arteries. And it will be a while until softball starts again and she can exercise.

I AM THROUGH TRYING TO GET GROWN PEOPLE AND AN INTELLIGENT GIRL TO WORRY OR BE CONSCIOUS OF THIER HEALTH. Because worrying is just raising my stress and blood pressure which is unhealthy for me.

OH YEAH. in the car my mom tells me thatmy grandmothers tumor in her breast. Has shrunk about 2 centimeters on its own, and they ( the doctors) could barely find it. My grandmother is thanking God, who she said couldn't heal her.

JESUS IS A HEALER.

I am happy for my G-m0m.

Alright we get home I pull up the website and my sister is still trying to get attention. After two hours my mother comes over and looks at the school.

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT THE HELL SHE SAID.
( Well she said an assortment of things, but the thing that made me want to scream.)

"Um, I want to know are the dorms coed"." What does it matter if they are"," Do you know what coed dorms are?" " Yes". I replied." I don't want you in coed dorms, you could do stuff in the girls side".

I am so sickened, everyone is always like your mom should know your gay. ( Everyone is me, myself, and I, but some folks are always saying their parents know. Mine are blind as hell, they have the worst gaydar ever. My mom saw two men kissing once and she asked why are those two men kissing? Because they're gay. "No they're not, they're just confused".)SHE HAS NO IDEA. I am so glad that I am coming out before I go to college because I will be disowned. They are going to ban me from the family, and I will be forced to be an outcast. And have my gay friends and hags as family. OH POOR ME. This song is in honor of my mother's ( and father's) ignorance of my sexual orientation. I notice tiny little things that make me think she knows. Then she does some shit like this. IF I AM IN A GIRLS DORM IT WON'T BE TO HAVE SEX. ( Unless it's a three way with another man. But, i don't know how I would feel about the girl being there, she might want something from me. STEP BACK STEPHANIE, I'M ONLY HERE FOR LAMONT .lol) Wait until she finds out she'll want me in a coed dorm then lol.

She looked at the school, then went and relaxed. My father has started his crazy schedule. It's not really crazy just yet 1p.m. until 9 p.m. that isn't bad. But soon it'll be 2a.m. until 11 a.m. Then he'll be acting crazy.


Well when I do come out, it will be fun filled. With pain, tears, and some sharp remarks, I am so ready to get it over with. But, again I have to do it for the right reasons. Because, before I was going to do it in malice, to get back at my parents. Because they will take it as so many things, but of course as a form of rebellion against them. Anyway when I come out you my blog will be here to hear all about it.

BECAUSE YOU MR. BLOG DON'T JUDGE MY ASS DO YOU? (You probably do, behind my back you little bitch lol)


I must say hi to Mr. Jackson, and Ms. Pam. Who have so graciously put me on thier blogs. I will be helping to show other blogs too, I think I should help folks, or just show what I like to read.

I love my two crazy heifers, because, I am the ring leader.



Sometimes I feel as though being gay is another race added onto my blackness. Does this mean I'm a tragic mulatto?-Marz

-Marz

Katrina, TV, and School

I would like to start off saying that my prayers go to the people who are in hurricane Katrinas path.

This morning I came downstairs to the computer with the intent on finishing my summer reding project.

Inst ed, I began playing a ROM on my computer (Super mario Brothers). But I did get somewhere on one essay.While playing the game, the mail came, I ran to the door swooped up the mail throwing anything that wasn't for me on the table. ( Our mailman is really cute but he is fast. By the time I got to the door he was already halfway down the block.) There was a letter adressed to the parent/guardian of me, from my school. I was so anxious to open it, but, since it said parent guardian, I would have to wait until mommy got home. She comes in around 2, I run to her and make her open it. Then I grab it and begin reading it aloud to her. The main point of the letter.

All students, Grades 9 through 12, are to report to school on Tuesday, September 6, 2005 by 7:50. a.m

I threw a fit, school isn't supposed to start until the seventh. That one extra day of freedom was crucial, I got my blood pressure high. ( thank god mom had some Krispy Kremes ( aren't they wonderful). School starts a week and nine hours from right now. I screamed some more ran around the house, and just acted crazy. I am not ready to go back at all.


Later on at 7, I had to watch the gossip shows. Because, since we don't have cable I had to see what happened at the VMA's. My commments are unlimitless but the main ones are:

1. They report that Mariah Carey was talking to Eddie Murphy, and left a party with him. They are saying that he is hooking up with her after his divorce.

Wrong. I read somewhere that Ms. Carey has had less sexual partners than the number of fingers on one hand. (This was from her mouth) And that she hangs out with mostly gay men, because they have themselves together. does this not explain it all, she needs a new fag to hag.


2. What 50 Cent said about Fat Joe.

Will he live to make his third cd which will include the songs," I hate gay people except for women because they aren't gay, they're hot". ( yes that is a long title it might be a country song lol)

3. Eva Longoria's swimsuit.

I don't see the big deal, she wore a swimsuit out on stage. I though it looked nice on her. But that smock she was wearing before the show, didn't look nice to me.( I guess that's the new look, because several other women were wearing something like that.)

4. The winner of the best dressed contest.

ALthough I love Kanye( even after our breakup) I thoiught the D.O double jizzle looked flyy. And Ms. Stefanbi I love you girl, what a great way to market your new clothing line.

5. The shootings.

I don't even remember who was shot. If you are having a party in a high end hotel. Have some security there. Can we get some damn metal detectors?

That is about all my comments, I want to congratulate. Ms. Clarkson ( since you been gone is such a wonderful song), The fellas of Green Day. ( I have walked the boulevard of broken dreams), and Mr. West ( Baby, even though we are no longer together, we have maintained a bond that I was not able to keep up with Lil fizz of B2k. I love you for that, and I will be getting your new cd. ( when I move out the house)lol.

After watching the gossip shows I then turned on my new favorite show.

Prisonbreak.

Did Anyone watch that show?

Wasn't it good. I love it. Not only is it intense, drama filled, and has twist and turns.

IT HAS A BUNCH OF SEXY ( PHAT ASSED, and some are BIG DICKED) MEN WHO'RE HALF NAKED.

I want to see a man on man sex scene even if it's only shadows from the inside of the showers I want it. It must happen. I am in lust after the Latin cellmate of the main character Michael Schoffield. But the show is definitely going to be scrutinized about it's race percentages in prison ( at least I think it will be ). There was only one latin man, a handful of whites, and the rest where black. NOT GOOD. I mean my thing is where are the asians and the other races. Everyone is really quick to point out the number of black men in jail, then quick to point out the latinos, and then someone is moderately fast to point out white people.

HELLO. there are other races in the world besides. White black and latino. (I mean just in those three they break down to a whole bunch of countries and cultural backgrounds.) CAn we have some racial diversity in the prison.

But it really didn't show well when in the second episode there was this war in the jail between the white people and the black people.

I don't know. I really liked the show, but folk are going to lose their damned minds. proteseting and what not. They better arrest representatives at the united nations something, ( Lord knows how dirty politicans are some of them need a night in jail.) to get some diversity.

What this show taught me.

Well of course the big lesson is, crime doesn't pay. Second, everyone is trapped in the damn system and "they" will do some stuff to keep you from attempting to get out (of the system).

There is this song that I am trying to find and I can't find it. I don't know the name but I know the tune. They played it last night on Tyra Banks little show, I am trying to find it and it is driving me insane that I can't. But in the process of finding this song. I have discovered Me'shell NdegeOcello. I am addicted to her music now. ( I need to go to rehab again.)

In honor of the prison where they conform young minds into thinking the way the man wants us to (school). I will have to tell of school this week, and get you my blog caught up. There is so much to cover, soooo very much, but I will do my best.


Is anyone reading my blog? (lol)-Marz

-Marz

DHOG

"Wake up, yall know we gotta go to church today. I want you up and ready by 10." These were the words yelled from my mother on Sunday mornings at D.H.O.G. I would be ready to go by 9, sitting downstairs waiting for three more hours. My mother and sister would come downstairs ready to go. But my sister would probably have to find a bra or something. To distract my mother from the fact she wasn’t ready, she would make her notice that I wasn’t wearing some tight church shoes while sitting downstairs. ( My father left at about nine he drove the church van until he left the church.)

You’re probably like,"What yall left for morning service at twelve." Well morning service didn’t end until 5:00 every week. ( And evening service started an hour and a half later and ended around midnight. We arrive at about 12:30, ( after stopping to get some (opaque) queen sized pantyhose, and onion rings.) Everyone turns their necks to see who just came in the church. Then they turn back around to worship God. WE ARE AT OUR OTHER HOME. D.H.O.G. Everyone is shouting and screaming, and getting delivered from what they were delivered from last week. When someone sits down, the preacher screams, " Jesus didn’t sit down when he carried that cross now did he." You are filled with so much guilt, that you stand back up and just start clapping your hands, because, that’s what you’re supposed to do. Then after singing a couple of songs, and elevating the temperature, then we would sit and testimonies would continue.


Someone would tell of how Jesus, helped them pay a bill, and has been so good to them. This would cause the church to ramble with yes, amen, hallelujah, yes sister he is good. While in their minds they’re talking about her and what she did, or rather who. Then the pastor would come in. The pastor is my grandmother, and she is so fierce. She has this strength that some black women lack today. She doesn’t take any mess from no one, and she raised her four daughters and one son that way. That’s why my mother is so strong. She walks up to the pulpit in these slippers, when she reaches the landing, she puts on these pumps, and you’re like damn. My grandma can work some heels, and kill an outfit. She rises and walks to the pulpit, grabs the microphone with her long five inch nails, and says"Praise the lord church."


"Praise the Lord, "the church replies. Then she makes us say it three more times, because, God is so worthy of the praise. ( And he is). She would start talking about her week. Like I have said in the past G-mom Pastor is crazy.


" I was sitting on the porch the other day, planting some bulbs for the spring. These children walked by, saying dick and pussy, and what not." Looking over the pulpit she would give a look at the parents, " you need to teach these children the names of what they got, its penis and vagina. Dick is the name of a man and pussy is a cat." Then she would turn to us children," parents now don’t be looking at me like these children don’t know about it." " Yall know about it don’t yall?" Then someone would nod their head a little too hard, automatically all the children would turn their heads to their parents. Who gave them this look like. " You better stop shaking your head so hard, saying you know about sex, I will cut it off personally."


Then she would say, "I thank god for being holy." This starts the story of my g-mom pastors life as a sinner. And did she do some stuff. Like all stories that older people say, you learn the words over time, but this isn’t a story that you get tired of hearing.


"I thank god for being holy, and having the mind to live holy. Because, truly I didn’t have the mind to live holy. I was a sophisticated whore on my way to hell. I was out there in the street with my switchblade, .32, and.28. But I had to put them down once Jesus delivered me. ( She never said she got rid of them, which makes all of my cousins believe it’s somewhere in one of her houses. We always try to find her gun but we know wherever it is it’s safe from us. But its still fun to search.) "I had a bar called Satan’s den, and truly it was Satan’s den. The men would come in, and I would jump up on the table and lift my skirt and show my thigh and they would buy more liquor. Then I would go over to the skeet ball machine and show some thigh. I made big money that night." Then she always skips to when her brother cursed out her mother and how she threatened to shoot him. My family down Georgia are crazy one of my uncles shot (and killed) his son, because, he said that he would rather kill his son than live to see him disrespect him. They are truly crazy, that is why I have so much of it on my veins. Then she would sing one of her favorite songs. Either, "In the word of god", "can’t nobody do me like Jesus", or "he is my friend". She SANGS them songs, and I can imitate her to the end.


After that we have offering, then the children go off to Children’s church.


What is children’s church?


Children’s church was started back in the day, it was made to keep the children awake during the sermon. We learned something that was more our level. ( Since I was raised in the church form birth I understood the sermons though.) They used to teach us older kids and younger kids seperately, teaching different things that dealt with our age groups and how we felt. Like they wouldn’t be teaching about not having sex until marriage to 6 year olders. But, to the teenagers they harped on it. I was always so confused in children’s chuirch, because, the teacher (my uncle) would say stuff like." Yall are to young for love, yall boys should be out there dating a whole bunch of girls. Don’t be settling down and telling no girl you like her." Isn’t that basicallty teaching boys promiscuity, but I mean boys who are fifteen taking girls on dates, they aren’t going on dates to get to know them. They want to get to know the orgasms that can result from being in her vagina (because pussy is a cat right? Lol) Also, to the girls it was like," don’t date, messing with these boys. Go get a book and read it." Yes these girls are reading books, and uplifting humanity.( Big ups to females) However, when they see these girls reading Zane ( girl i love your books) they won’t be saying the same thing now will they.


Of course as the gay boy I was thinking like this. But, the boys were like yeah let’s find girls to date. And the girls would say why can’t we date and start a double standard discrimintation conversation. Which came to the conclusion that the difference is a girl can get pregnant. When a girl gets pregnant the father does too. It’s dumb ass straight men that infuses these younger generation with pollution. (and shows why niggas can't raise there young, thinking in this mindset.) But this quickly changed from teaching us about the bible and having conversations about sex, and love at the end of the lesson. To the whole children’s church becoming: how to get a date. What to do on a date and things like that. Before we left they were teaching about cults, and what to look for. Because, they like to get people young for their groups.


We were sent back into the church to hear the whole list of people that were going to hell and who to pray for. And what we should protest about. You know drugs, prostitution ,and gay marriage ( or just peopole being gay in general we should just burn the damn pride flag). Because God made adam and eve not madam and eve. ( yall ever hear that one lol) But I always said well he may not of made madam and eve. But he did make cain and abel. GOTCHA ( Of course I didn't verbalize that then people would think I had a "demon of homosexuality".)



Did folk know I’m gay?


I think, I don’t know, they did after a certain event that happened. ( I will get to that on it’s anniversary lol) But all the children at the church, I grew up with. They all had girlfriends, and would talk of who they slept with. Then it was like where’s your girlfriend. I would always say somthing like, " I don’t do the whole relationship thing, too many constrictions". They would feel like they were losers , because, then they would realize how their girls have them in check.


It’s funny some of them ended some really meaningful relationships over some foolishness I said to not be seen as the gay kid. ( Even though i probably was, I heard some vicious stuff about me of course then I had to make that person cry. Oh yes I was a bitch faggot nigga, you don't find to many of them. But I was what it was. I will have so much to say about my inner bitch, faggot, and nigga to come.) I could never be that person in the church though. They would pray me up and down and baptize me in olive oil, I could never be outed. We left the church, but I knew that soon. I would have to bring a girlfriend like all the other boys did.


Everyone in the church would give hugs after the service. With fake smiles on their faces, afterwards they would go home and gossip about them. Gossip lived in the church, and thrived like a weed, with it’s roots wrapped around your water pipes. I got the info on everyone, the church was filled with hate. Under a fake surface of love. Many people were hurt, because, of the back biting and behavior of the pople. My parents were two of those pople. Because, they were there for Jesus. The women were there for drama, or a man. ( Or maybe a woman who knows, but in DHOG no one could have been gay.) ( I hate when I do that, I always say everyone was so straight somewhere. I mean I was there now wasn’t I. But really the adults there would say some stuff that was off the wall.) My fave was." These faggots are just coming left and right, we need to come out the closets for Jesus".


My mother had a dream that shackles came off her feet and her soul flew out the church roof, and she was free. This was when we left to join our church now.


Today was a good day in church, I am still reading the bible cover to cover to find Jesus for myself. Because, I can’t take other’s peoples words of what is and what isn’t right and who he really is. I am not going to be one of those poeple who denounce Jesus because, he supposedly denounced me for who I am. I love my Jesus and he died for me, the same way he died for that hetero man with his erect penis about to break someones hymen. This is my new journey in my spiritual life.


My question is why didn’t the bible say God created the heavens and the Earth and the other planets. This is really perplexing to me, another comment. The people in the old testament were freaks, and the first couple generations all did their families. Lot and his daughters were up in the mountains, they drugged him and seduced him, and got pregnant with his grand/child. PEOPLE PICK UP THE BIBLE, IT HAS SOME DRAMA THAT CAN NEVER BE COPIED.


I am off to sulk in my last week of freedom.


This week’s music is all about: Common, Kanye West, John Legend, Jill Scott, India Arie, Erykah Badu, and Lauryn Hill. Could you imagine if they all made a cd together.


OHHHHHHHH MMMMMMMYYYYYYY LAAAAWWWDDDDYYYYY I would die just listening to it, it would draw my soul to heaven.

Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks.-This a a gay bash used aginst me in seventh grade. I found it very funny I had to laugh myself. Tyrell was always so creative.


( I am not saying gay bashing is right, but sometimes when you are called a good name or someone says something creative about you, you just have to laugh about it. I mean I wasn't going to cry.)



-Marz

Where'd the week go?

This week has gone by extra fast. Nothing major happened today. We took the cat to the veterinarian. That's about all.

nothing

Today I did absolutely nothng at all. I have nothing to write about. So below is an essay that I wrote last year for school. It was a reflection on the book, "A raisin in the sun". Enjoy. Today's songs are this and that. This probably won't be interesting to my urban people, but that would be. I am feeling them both so much right now.




Prejudice was a very obvious theme in the book" A Raisin in the Sun". Written in the late 1950's, its purpose was to bring up hot topics that weren’t being addressed in America. Topics that over the years were brought out more and more, until they were dealt with. It took many years to dispel prejudice. America as well as other countries, have taken major steps towards an unbiased world. However, the question is, is prejudice still present, has it taken on a new look, and how is the lack of prejudice being taken for granted. These questions will be answered in my essay.
Prejudice was a very present issue form slavery times until the late 60’s. That is what is supposed because, there are equal rights and Jim Crow laws are no longer in affect. The fact is, prejudice is still very much alive in todays’ society. I asked four people of different race, age, and gender. All four agreed that prejudice is still present and one said, " Prejudice will always be a factor in our world". My feelings on prejudice are, prejudice is still around but is more silent. I believe that prejudice is now silent, because, of laws that have been established and disestablished. Prejudice was present in, "A raisin in the Sun". The Youngers in the book were asked nicely, not to move into the nice neighborhood. Since, they were African American and the Caucasian neighbors would never accept them. The Youngers’ family persisted on moving to the new neighborhood, even though they weren’t wanted. They wanted to have a part in stopping prejudice, also to show that African Americans deserve and can maintain the same function. Even though such a topic was brought up in a play, after laws were broken, and stereotypes were broken. People still believe that our world will never be liberated from prejudice.
With these thoughts in mind, the question comes. If all of these factors have been placed in the path of prejudice. Why does prejudice still linger on our world? I think it is prejudice has grown with the factors.
In the time "A Raisin in the Sun" was written a student like Beneatha wasn’t seen at all. First because, a majority of African Americans didn’t attend medical school (or college) because of the lack of money and Jim Crow laws. In addition, Beneatha was a woman, during that time a woman was supposed to be a happy homemaker. To take the role of a mother and maid to her husband (which she married young, for the reasons that she was nothing without a man). Beneatha challenged the stereotype of an African American, a woman, and an African American woman. She chose that she wanted a career; also, she didn’t desire to marry George Murchinson. Marrying George was what everyone believed she should do to secure financial stability. Still, Beneatha continued to press forward, to become someone that could have a career, besides a homemaker. Although, that determination was present with Beneatha, to break stereotypical barriers. Presently, those qualities aren’t present with many students of or without color today. Education is a thing that was fought for by many and is now being taken for granted. Some students don’t attend school and if they do, they don’t pay attention, so they can receive an education. I feel that the lack of determination to receive an education is the fact that an educations value has dropped. When I say this I mean that, during slavery if a slave had an education he was regarded to with great admiration. An education was an important thing that everyone wanted, because, the value of an education was present with the slaves and the slave masters. (That is why slaves were forbidden to learn how to read and write). So, an education went from being a necessity valued maybe as much as freedom. To become a luxury which is defined as: something adding to pleasure or comfort but not absolutely necessary. A noticeable amount of children now see an education as something that would be nice to have, but isn’t a necessity. This type of thinking comes from media, stars who say they were dropouts. Also, children who believe that the only point to life is making money. So, they want to take an easy route that they see is, a rapper, or a professional sports player. An education is being taken for granted, which shows that most people only want something until you have it. Prejudice kept many minority children from receiving a (proper) education. But now an education had become a luxury (as well as many other things).


I am sorry but, I can't find the rest of this essay. lol.

I AM SO SORRY. but of course I got an A and extra credit since no one else did the paper. ( which I think in turn shows my point.)

My sister has to start school five days before me and I am so happy. I want to throw it in her face. But she thinks that high school is going to be so much fun.


Isn't it easy to love someone when they got money and the sex is good. But, when they broke and they can't get it up. Is that love still there?-Marz

-Marz

Simple

Today was very simple, I did absolutely nothing. School starts in two weeks. I am not ready for it. I really don’t have anything to write about today.

But I do have a question.

Do the men on, "So you think you can dance?", have orgies after the show. They’re all ( for the most part) gay. I think that Craig and Nick would make the cutest couple, they should hookup.

I am sort of sick, I don’t do sick so let me go lie down.

Okay and Mary Mary, ( or Maria Maria as I call them when I am feeling Spanish lol)Their cd cover is a mess. Well not Erica she looks really pretty, buy Erica even though her face is nice what is wrong with her neck? She always does something on the cd cover that makes me say," I know they had more film to choose from than that". Their next cd is going to be wonderful, but that is going to come out in next year sometime. Today I am going to be happy, ( which is my favorite song ever) and just relax.

So what you’re my mother no one asked you to get knocked up by that man..-Marz
That man is your father-Mom
Prove it where is my birth certificate-Marz
ummm...-mom
Exactly, I just need a little more proof, and I’ll be able to show you killed my real mother Marissa Jenkins ( Marissa Jenkins is a fake name I mad up).-Marz
Boy, get out my face lol-Mom

-Marz

Have you ever gotten really mad with someone? And you want to distance yourself away from that person, because, they are getting on your last nerves.

Today that person I got pissed off at, was I.

Another early started day today, my mother telling me to get ready to go school shopping. She’ll be home at 11:45. This week is my sister’s freshman orientation, and she has to go all this week. To be brought into a high school mind set. My mother has to do three hours of community service to the school or they will kick my sister out. They have a new principal and she is trying to make the school into a prep school. ( It’s not going to happen) I get ready and I am just chilling. 11:45 comes and goes. One o’clock my mother and sister show up, they get themselves ready, and we’re off. We are driving and the whole conversation is about my sister and her school. She keeps trying to make herself seem like something she isn’t.

(I’ll bring this to a college level so you can understand.) She is always trying to make it seem like she got accepted to Harvard, when in all reality, my mother had to beg the dean of the college one up before community, to take her in. She is talking, and talking, and talking, about how the kids are so smart and it proves that she is smart. And how the people at her school are weirdos (she thinks that smart people are weird) And how it isn’t just any old school it is the best. I was so angry, first that my mp3 player is broken and I couldn’t block her voice out. Second, because, we all know the truth the school is near the bottom stop trying to make yourself seem special. The school is not going to become a prep school, it is what it is. AT THE BOTTOM. My mother pulled over to some place to get her credit report. My sister left with her to talk about what they learned this week so far. Which is basic reasoning skills and math. While in the car I asked myself why am I so mad?


Why am I so mad?

It goes back to when I was in eighth grade and applying to high schools. I applied to the top nine, and the other school was a backup backup. ( Like how a child destined for Princeton would have a community college as a backup backup, if everything else failed.) I was accepted to all of them, (my backup backup was the school my sister is going to.) (Again on a college level, I was accepted to Yale.) When I told people where I was going, they were like," oh you couldn’t have done any better than that." "Why aren’t you going to Masterman?" .(The number one school in Philly) My school is specializing in the type of career I want, and is third so I was happy where I was going. But my whole family and some friends, made me feel like I as nothing for getting accepted to my school (Yale) when I should’ve gone to the best ( Harvard). And here comes my sister going to the college one rung above community and everyone is like Yay, go head girl. Boosting her ego up. Then I started feeling like they should’ve called her stupid, or something or told her something. I was mad because, there is always a different standard for me then it is her. I am expected to be the best and get honor roll and be successful. She is expected to do mediocrity and get rewarded. Only one person I told said," What! That doesn’t like right one child going to the school you go to, and her going to that school." She isn’t dumb, she doesn’t work, and since she has been babied and gotten over on test and homework for so long. She doesn’t know some stuff that she should. Like spelling, or how to do math in her head.

I don’t like the fact that, I got yelled at and put on punishment for honor roll report cards ( I am not joking they put me on punishment this year for honor roll). And she gets, "you can do better for straight c’s and a D." That is unacceptable, and they don’t see how they are hindering her, but, really it’s about me. I want that same kind of treatment I want to be able to be mediocre at something and not be looked at as if I spent my college fund on strippers. ( I don’t even have a college fund LOL) I am expected to be perfect, I’m expected to always be the great lawyer or brain surgeon, find the cure for AIDS. First black president, but they don’t mind if she becomes a waitress at Denny’s and works there from 18 until she dies. No, that is alright for her. I especially don’t like how my parents are like. Yeah this school is awesome and the principal says that soon it will be better than Masterman (Harvard). Why am I never babied? Why do I always have to be the damn adult? I don’t want to be and back in the day I would’ve said well I’m going to get mediocre grades and not care. But I have a future to worry about, and whose to say that they ( my family) will even be a part of it. Those heifers might disown me after they find out I’m gay. ( it is a very probable chance.

I sat in the car with my AP chemistry book, going over stoichiometry, and studying for the PSAT. (This made me angry too. That child doesn’t read books at all. Last year the only book I saw her read was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. SHE IS THIRTEEN READING A DAMN 100 PAGE BOOK WITH PICTURES.) It’s sad but this year I really want her to struggle in high school. I want her to have difficulties with every subject, and not be able to get help, and since she has been babied for the past years, and haven’t done any work. She will fall behind, I think she gets what she deserves. I know it’s wrong. But I mean my lord she has been skating by for forever, and I always have to follow every damn rule and I am the one who is always punished.

I was pissed with me for feeling so angry and jealous.

We went to Wal-Mart and I was going to go get a cd I wanted to get. But it wasn’t convenient for everyone so we went to the next store. In this store there were all these clothes that were nice but I didn’t feel like shopping. Also, the clothing is mostly the type of clothing that I used to try to wear to fit in. I am tired of fitting in, I want to stand out, ( lord knows I always do anyway, I might as well help with my natural ability to be different.) I didn’t really feel like being around people. There was this cute boy giving me the eye but I wasn’t feeling being social ( like I ever am though lol). I went back into the car. There I was dealing with my issues, but it wasn’t helping, I picked up my Chemistry book again. ( I will be ready this year LOL) I was flipping through stations and Ms. Williams was talking about Mr. West, and how he had it hard trying to make it to where he is. Because he was a youngster in the hood, who wore pink polos with the collar up and Gucci loafers, and when he said he wanted to be a rapper everyone laughed at him. Because he didn’t have "street" experience, and he couldn’t write one of the many hoes, Cadillacs, guns, and weed songs. I felt similar, I live in my surroundings, and I always get looks until I get to a more neutral part of the city (center city). I wanted to be home under my blankets, with some tea.

We go to another store, and my sister gets out and she is next to the passengers window. Yelling at my mother who is in the drivers’ seat. It was getting on my last nerves, then I yelled," get that noise out my ear." Then she says," I will yell in whoever’s ear I want to." I went to roll up the window and then my mom is punching me in the arm (I didn’t see my sister’s arm there in the window) And my mom is acting like I was trying to capitate her. (I didn’t see her arm.) I am getting really pissed with her attitude, she keeps getting smart with me. She keeps forgetting that I had one of the biggest hands in raising her ass. YOU BETTER RESPECT ME. ( But my father basically told her she doesn’t have to respect me. Because, I am not her father, well I was for a couple years prick) I would’ve told her off but I was having my issues, and I would’ve called her something, and would be on punishment now. They went into the store, and she gets back in and she is talking talking talking, about who she knows. How she said this to the teacher and that and whom she knows. I was filled with so much more anger. From what I‘m hearing she will be able to keep her same mentality, not mature and act the same damn way she acted in all of middle school, and still make the same grades. And my parents are going to say we know you can do better. I am sickened by the person she has become, and how my parents treatment of her has planted the seed. I tried to prune the bitch ( matter of fact I tried to take the whole plant up), but they threw fertilizer on her. WATCH HER ASS GROW THEN. My hands have been washed clean of her for so long now. However, it’s hard to keep your hands clean in a dirty environment. I NEED TO WALK AROUND WITH A GALLON OF PURELL.


Another thing I find funny, my sister went to the same middle school and one of the annexes of the same high school that my parents went to an annex of. She is following in their footsteps, and just like they went to college a half an hour form Philly. My sister plans on staying in Philly. I on the other hand went to a different middle school, I on the other hand go to a different high school. I on the other damn hand will be going to Washington University in St. Louis, and not looking back to this pisshole of a damn city until thanksgiving and christmas.

But please come to Philly tourist, the cheesesteaks are wonderful lol.


In another parking lot, I thought of how much I missed my mp3 player. Because, another person as getting on my last nerves. ME. I have this voice In my head ( no I’m not crazy)( well maybe a little) ( Alright I‘m crazy. Are you happy? lol) that always wants to analyze why I do things, or why I acted a certain way. What does it all boil down to? Basically I have a therapist in my head, that talks all day long of why I feel the way I do. I was thinking then of how I needed a best friend. I have friends, but they are surface friends. They stay on my surface but I get all deep in them, learning their likes and dislikes. I have to make sure that what lies beneath my surface is healthy, Before I had people going beneath my surface into toxic water with sharks inside. I used to have a best friend, we grew up together, but I had to cut him loose. We were fourteen and he was very immature, ( playing tag) when I was reading novels. I just sort of boiled that down to the fact he’s straight. Personally believe that since I’m gay, I matured faster than other boys. It just could be that I mature faster but, that was my belief back then (I had to make myself find pros to being gay, and not being a jackass in the sense of acting like I’m three when I’m fourteen was a huge help.) I began singing a song that dealt with my situation, then I turned on some classical music. PEOPLE IF YOU’RE MAD TURN ON SOME CLASSICAL MUSIC. I was feeling all calm and relaxed, my sister will learn. But, I have already told my parents when that child becomes nothing, you can only blame yourselves for how you raised her. I hope she becomes something great. ( she can’t outshine me though, never that lol) ( I know that’s wrong too lol)


We went to another Wal-Mart to get the cd I wanted. My mother felt guilty for something, I guess she thought she did to me. I got the new Mary Mary cd I love them so much. But I am mad that after three years, they come out with a cd that is 42 minutes. But since it was less then ten dollars I didn’t complain. But for them and other artist I must say. A CD CAN HOLD AN HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES IF YOU EXPECT PEOPLE TO PAY 21 DOLLARS FOR A CD, THEN YOU BETTER HAVE AT LEAST AN HOUR OF MUSIC. But that’s the magic of Wal-Mart stuff is cheap. ( God bring those poor slave children out from supporting their company.) But they do have this song that says I have cried my last tears yesterday. I have no time to dwell on treatment given to my sister and I. And other little drama that doesn’t matter, I need to move forward in my life. Because, one day I will be able to buy my little old poor parents a nice house in the suburbs. And give them the gratification that I am experiencing a life that they didn’t. ( not saying they couldn’t because both of them have degrees. That pisses me off too but we won’t talk of that today.) Lol


It’s amazing how we get mad at people for simple things, and everyday God forgives people for huge sins like murder. I need to learn some of that forgiveness and mercy, because, If anyone deserves to be angry it’s God. He deserves to be Noah’s ark angry and just kill us all. I personally apologize to God for the pain that I have caused him personally knowing and unknowingly.


I’ve learned to Give it Up.


P.S. No offense to anyone studying at a community college. I will be taking some classes at one next year before senior year. And no offense to people who have worked there whole lives at Denny’s. Thank you for the good service (This only applies to if you were good at your job.) Lol. Big Brother was on tonight and I definitely want Beau ( I just looked up his name, I wonder if he changed his name or his mother gave him a name meaning.a male admirer or boyfriend.) and Ivette to make it to the end, but, I want Ivette to win. They should have gotten rid of James. He is going to screw them all over.


Who am I to be mad at you.-Marz

-Marz

Day tripping

BOOM BOOM BOOM." Who's in the bathroom?, I need to use the bathroom". This was the screaming of my mother that awoke me, this morning. What time was it? I don’t know, but the sun wasn’t up yet. That is never good. I couldn’t get back to sleep, so, I laid there in my bed. Trying to fall asleep with no success. I lay in the bed until seven when my televison came on. Time for Starting Over, it was a rerun. I contemplated running, but that wasn’t going to happen, because, today was my day trip with Erica.

I came downstairs and turned on PBS. It has been so long since I have seen any show, ( except for Arthur, I love that show.) They have this new boy on Dragontales, I don’t like him. He can take himself back to Columbia, the show doesn’t need him. Then I was just filled with so much energy, I made breakfast lifted some weights and got ready to go. I got onto the trolley, and there were these two old women talking about how children are messed up. They were saying how you have to beat your kids and raise them right. It is so true, if some of these kids got beat they wouldn’t act like they do now. If some of these childrens’ parents, (who are children themselves) would raise their offspring. Then we would not be left with a generation of colored children, who are doing the work of the KKK.


Now would we?


I get downtown and I go to cash my check at the best bank ever. WACHOVIA. Everyone is saying BLAH BLAH BLAH, because they used my ancestors as collateral way back in the day. But, they are a really good bank, I like them, and they always have cute bankers their. I will opress myself as I was told by a friend.(And that’s why her bank sucks lol) I’m standing in line and then there is this cute black banker, who’s staring at me. I am like why the hell is he staring at me, then he gave me" the look". I was like Oh no he didn’t I just turned 16 and he giving me looks. HEYY WASSUP, I HOPE YOU CASH MY CHECK IT HAS MY ADDRESS ON IT lol. (Then I had to pinch myself and say no that’s bad.) He walked past me and he was gay, but he was grown. I went up to cash my pension check, and the banker tells me," you have to cash this at Citizen’s Bank". WHAT! I was mad but Citizen’s is across the street so it wasn’t that big of a deal. I go across the street, and the man tells me that I need two pieces of identification. (I had my school I.D. with me already.) Then he asked,"Do you have your birth certificate or working papers"? WHO WALKS AROUND WITH THESE. I was pissed I couldn't cash my pension check, I have been working so long to finally receive it and now I can’t cash it.lol


I met Erica and she had to give her mom one of the transpasses she just bought. She was off to her moms’ job, and I went to Tower. In Tower I was reintroduced to one of wifeys. Ms. Vivian Green. I listened to her new cd, and I love Beautifully Young( Sweet Memory) She is definitely going to be added to the list. (The list is a list of movies, music, and things I am going to do when I am free of my parents since they are so constricting.) I went to Border’s, and I listened to Ms. Green some more while reading Mr. Hardy. I am going to love it when I work at Border’s, I am so qualified already by working at the library. Erica finally came and we were off.


To the bus stop, and then on the bus. We had some great conversations, from boys ( which we always talk about), sex( which we always talk about lol), and other things that have happened. ( I am so jealous of her going off to college, I have less then 2 years though.) We get to the mall and it is huge, but I tried to make it seem like it wasn’t all that. ( I have never been to this mall, and everyone has been there.) We went to some stores and were looking at stuff( mostly clothes), and Erica said I had high taste. But, she is right, we went into Bloomingdale’s and my eyes went straight to the Juicy Couture outfit. We talked some more about this boy she is hopelessly in love with, but she is trying to make it seem like she doesn't care. She is like Sanaa Lathan In Brown Sugar. ( I hope that she does find someone that looks better than Mr. Kodjoe (two links there)in the process of getting with her true love, and let’s hope he is bi-curious. I have my fingers crossed. lol) Then we go to another part of the mall that is better than the first part. We go into the Louis Vuitton store, and I’m like let me look at the pocketbooks, for my mom for Christmas. Do you know how much those bags cost? The salesman was so sexy a firey Italian with a nice blue suit on I would buy him (he's probably is cheaper than one of them bags anyway. lol) Then we go into Neiman Marcus, and we are walking around looking at stuff. One day it won’t be a thing to go into these stores and drop a couple thousands. I am claiming it. I have the faith to get it, but faith without works is dead. I was motivated to work harder to get some cute high priced jeans and just wear them. Then while shopping I was picking up stuff and then I was thinking if I did buy it. I wouldn’t be able to wear it where I live or go to school. ( I would literally be shot, it’s so hard for young boys living in the ghetto addicted to high fashion. lol) We leave and we go into Victoria’s Secret, ( the first time I went in there was so funny it was the semi-annual sale last year. All the women were looking at me like a freak or something, then when I knew what I was getting or whatever I guess they assumed I was gay and calmed down.) We are walking around, she is looking for Love Spell. ( I think that Sweet Temptation smells better, at least out of that collecdtion of fragrances.) The Pink collection smells good too, and this lotion called Sweet Wafer (or something like that. ) OMG. I see why Victoria’s Secret won’t be getting out, it would put the heterosexual men into sexual submission. ( they wouldn’t be able to walk, and Lord knows some of the women would not be up to pushing their asses around in wheelchairs.) Then we are running around in circles, got some snacks then we were off to start the expirement.


What is the experiment?


Well, I am always mistaken for 19, my friends don’t won’t to believe this. (Most of them are short or look younger than they are so they’re jealous.) Erica is one of those friends, so on the phone we discussed going to a R-rated movie. If the man ask me for identification then I look younger than 17. But, if he doesn’t that proves that I look older. We run like amile across J.C.Penney’s parking lot, while screaming Hollaback Girl. ( I don’t know why she waited until 5 mintues before the movie starts before we go.) We arrive and we decide to see the 40-year old virgin. She pushed me up to the counter and then I turned and let her go first. She got her ticket, I walked up," Can I have a ticket for the 40 year old virgin’?" Lemme see some i.d kid." ( Sike). He gave me my ticket I gave him the dimples. When we were out of ear range I laughed in her face, of how I look older. She says it’s because I got taller and lost some weight, and because I have facial hair growing in (I am so not caring about being a hairyman, eveyone is so hype. CALM DOWN PEOPLE IT’S ONLY HAIR) Also, she told me that the song that I hate says gun in my pants. I don't know if this is true, because, on the radio they say hmmmm. I don't think they would cover gun with hmmm, but they would cover dick. And a gun isn't in your pants it's in your waitband right?

How was the movie?


I really liked it, it was funny and it was different. I didn’t like that the only black person fed into some stereotypes. But he was sexy, and he was learned, until he got ghetto in the store. They had these jokes that were like how I know you’re gay. That were said in between the friends they were too funny. I definitely recommend this movie. What did I learn, I want to give my virginity to someone special. I am not waiting to some 40 though oh hell no. But it really got me thinking about when I have sex the first time. I am so crazy. I was thinking stuff like what will be going through my head. And other crazy things, knowing how weird I am I will probably laugh. The mood will be ruined and I will be left to become a 40 year old virgin. Poor me.


We were off, back to the mall to shop and have fun. On our way back to the mall our conversations were marriage and losing virginites, and topics of that nature. Erica doens’t know I’m gay, I haven’t really told folk. People have assumed and the lesbians at my school basically threw me out the closet (but we will get to this later). I was just like I’m not getting married. My parents are married(and my whole family now that I think of it) it’s too much drama. I mean, maybe, I was thinking about something less obligatory.We went to Chick-Fil-A. their wraps are really good, I will be eating their again. At lunch we talked about her in college, and about Condom Kingoms. ( Condom Kingdoms is this huge store on South Street, ( A street I am banned from it is the craziest street in Philly, also that is like the heart of gay philly) and let’s just say they sell way more than condoms. According to a friend of mine they sell dicks in different types of food. Like pasta, and candy, I want a big chocolate one and I am going to freeze it, and eat it somewhere in public and make a lot of people uncomfortable. (I am too crazy) Yup, that’s on the list too.) We did some more store hopping, we were trying to find a shirt to go with Erica’s pants for the first day of college. I was telling her she needed a nice pastel pink blouse with a collar, and she was looking at other stuff. ( god bless her fashion sense.) We went into this store called Bang Bang (You hear it and you immediately think of sex or guns don’t you?) I categorize almost all stores, this store was a gay skinny store. ( Where men would go to get something before going to a party) You know a store is gay when the women are in the men’s section shopping. lol I saw this hot shirt in the window I had to try it on, I got some jeans with it. The jeans were in the biggest size they had, ( which was extra tiny) and guess what I fit them. ( Of Course I had to do the jump pull thing( don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about), but it was 5 sizes smaller than what I wore at the beginning of the summer.) I was happy but they were TIGHT, but comfortable. I saw my ass in those jeans, I was like GODDAMN. They were the type of jeans you wear when you looking for trouble lol.


While walking through the store some of the white people were scared of little ole black me. Children clinging a little closer to their parents giving me scared looks. Aww maybe if I was a lighter toned negro maybe then I. What? I don’t know. It was funny to me, I laugh at people’s ignorance, now it wasn’t all the people but a few were like whoa. White people are especially afraid of us darker negroes, but, it ain’t going to make me go get some bleach. BITCHES DON’T HATE BECAUSE YOU LACK PIGMENT. And eventually you want to look a little like me, spending however much on tanning salons. ( this only goes out to the discriminatory people.) My other thoughts were that, they should announce that the dark negro was gay. Then all the parents would gather up their little boys and hide them. Because you know us negroes we love to steal things, and if you leave your little boys out. I might steal them, and their virginity. My last thought was how funny it is that when some races see me they’re like run. But blacks, latinos, and asians. See my face and they know I won’t do anything. I don’t have the look.

This does not cover all the poeple in the mall.The other people were cool. I was sad that they have to live with people whose minds are engulfed with ignorance.

We then went into Old Navy (one of my favorite stores) Erica went off to find a shirt (again), and I went off to find something for my first dress down Friday. While putting an outfit together, I saw this cute boy. He was with a slew of girls, so of course I assumed he was gay. I went to get a t-shirt, and he was going for the same one. We touched hands, then exchanged nervous smiles. I went over to Erica to tell her I was trying on an outfit and not to leave me. I went to the dressing room, the attendant says," Go into any room that is open". I went into a room and put my stuff on the bench. I heard the attendant say the same line again.( Eventually he says that all day.) I went to shut the door, and he was there about to come in. He blushed, embarassed.

Two minutes later....

My kisses lay upon where just two minutes earlier, I held my index finger saying" shhhhh, come in". We helped each other undress. ( but it was unecessary for him to take off my underwear seeing as i need them on to try on the jeans.) We felt, kissed, and just had a good old time. Until," Mel where you at!". Came from the mouth of one of his girlffirends. " In here, I'm almost done". He put his clothes back on (with my help) and he was off. But I got his number YAyyy for me.

This was the story I made up while on the bus going back to Center City. Ms. Giovannis' writings were not the tone or mood I was in at the time so I made my own story. It was just wishful thinking. Yes, I had fun today with Erica we left each other with hugs. I hope she does well in college, and gets a cute boyfriend that isn't crazy or drama filled. Also, that she discovers what major she wants to do, because she changes it every week. I came in around 8:30 when I specifically said 8. I thought my parents would act crazy, but, they didn't. I also thought they were going to ask what movie I saw. ( I was going to have to come up with a lie, because, r rated movies are banned.) But they didn't, but, now everytime I see the commercial I want to say," I saw that movie, it's funny".


I am happy that I had such a fun day, outside of the ghetto. Like I wanted on Sunday, and got to experience something different.


What! you wanna wear some boots on the first day of college. you gon right on head and get labeled as a hoe wearing some hooker heels.- Marz advice to Erica

What is Victoria's Secret?-Marz

-Marz

CHurch, Music, and Drug Dealers

Chilling on the club, in my b-boy stance, with my hoody on, and my dick in my pants.

What the hell is happening to music?

This song is getting on my last nerves. It’s the only song you hear around the city on the radio. It shows how the quality of music has gone so far down. I am going to start listening to oldies. (Even though I’m only allowed to listen to gospel. But there are ways to get around that. ) I mean that song is just stupid. Where else could your dick be? This will probably be the new hot song. When school starts the new cool thing will be to stand by a wall and hold your dick. ( which is really nothing new.) And the girls are going to be like," He is fresh, yeah I want him". Then get pregnant by that fool. I am so sick of media and their affects on people. Also, when I am around 90 visiting my boyfriend in the nursing home, will that and other songs be on the oldies stations. God forbid. And If that is music now, how horrible will music be when I’m that old.


Today is Sunday. and what does that mean?

Church. Church was good today, I fell asleep in the middle of the sermon, I felt bad. But, on regular days, I don’t get out the bed until around one, except to eat. But the part that I did hear was good, it was about letting go of your bad qualities. While in church I was thinking about God. Like how flyy is God, he must be like really banging to look at. I mean he did get Mary pregnant without sex, he has skills. And if you think of it, God created sex. He should have wrote a book in the bible about that topic, oh well maybe in the next revision, they’ll add a book about it. (You know how the bible company is.) ( But, those people in the old days were freaks, they had like ten wives and did them all in one night and they all and children it was a freakfest back then.) After church my mom was taking her friend home. We stopped at this water ice place, then my mom parked. I got out to tell her friend we parked. Then someone in the line was commenting about my clothes. (I was wearing a large orange polo from old navy,( The polos from old navy where made in Pakistan, now I don’t want to start nothing. But heyy, who knows who you’re supporting) and some nice jeans and the new shelltop Adidas.) The girl is gonna say," look at him in the smedium", I walked back to the car. We drove my moms' friend home (she is so funny). We get to her house and my mom pulls over, her friend goes to get some perm for my sister. While in the car these hoodrat boys were standing in front of the Puerto Rican store, and looking at me then I heard them saying stuff. (It didn’t really matter, only one of them were cute.)( Not saying that cute people words matter more, but I really wasn’t interested in their presence on Earth.) We got the perm, and said goodbye and we were on our way home. On the way back I started to feel..........

Out of place.


I don’t fit in with the hoodrat scene, I like wearing colors. I don’t want to walk around with a 7X white tee on with size forty six jeans around my ankles. ( Personally I think that the drug dealers inner transvestites are getting loose. And they are trying to wear miniskirts (the long white tees) on the low.) I wanted out of the ghetto, somewhere where I could wear a shirt that fits and not be targeted as whatever. I began to feel a little bad about me and my style of dressing. Made me want to go home and throw something, from young black drug dealer magazine. But then I thought .


Wait a minute.


WHY THE HELL DO I CARE WHAT A BUNCH OF DRUG DEALERS THINK OF HOW I DRESS. I mean they looked like shit on crack. ( I am starting to get pissed that God blessed these straight boys with high, firm asses when they won’t put them to use.) I got home and ran to the mirror and looked at myself. Forget them, I look good. I can’t believe that I cared what some hoodrat girl and some drug dealers thought of me. I had to laugh at myself, I gave myself a hug and moved on.


I have truly experienced Growth.


Today, I was going to write about my old church but, I just can’t capture it into words. It must be experienced, but I will try again next week. They have inspired me to create about a show, that shows all the stuff hat happened there. When I said that my mom said that it would be a great show. Desperate Housewives doesn’t have a thing on my old church.


Erica called tonight so we are going out tomorrow. We are going to have so much fun, we have to, she is leaving on Friday.( Damn the lack of emoticons, a crying face is here.)


Back to church....


Everyone commented on how tall I’ve gotten over the last few months. I don’t see it. But maybe I have broken six feet. YAYYY. My mom’s friend asked me, "Are you ready to go back to school?"." No" I replied quickly. Then she told me that I should cherish these days , because, when I am older I will miss school. I thought about how I miss kindergarten naptime so much (Don’t you all wish they had naptime at work?) (And it’s extremely funny, because, I never slept at naptime on purpose, and now I miss it.) So I will cherish my school days. Because, one day I will be a boring old man in an office talking about business deals, and signing peoples paychecks.


Naw, never that me get boing that’s like the sun being cold. Never will happen, and it would to take God himself to do it.


Until tomorrow bye BLOG. And hello to anyone who clicked the link on Trent’s blog.


Welcome


I am out of sayings right now.

P.S. I can't wait until my ex-boyfriend Mr. West brings his new cd out. Yes. I will be downtown at Tower listening to the first six tracks. (I am so ghetto, but I wouldn't be able to bring it into the house.)

-Marz

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY

Today is my birthday.

YAYYYYYY

I’m 16 today.

What does that mean?


I have no idea, it supposedly means so much. It is one of those turning point ages like 18 or 40. I feel the same as yesterday, it’s funny though. I remember when I was younger, and being sixteen meant something. I remember watching television when I was younger, and seeing people date. I thought that dating was so cool, and my parents said that I could when I was sixteen. And now it’s here and I don’t care, there are so many things that I thought would be so life changing about sixteen. And it isn’t, or it isn’t yet who knows what’s to come. But it also makes me think. Will 18 be as fun and exciting in detaching from my family?


HELL YES


What did I do today?


Nothing, absolutely nothing. I woke up, watched some cartoons. On Little Bill it was Alice the Greats Birthday and they sung " Happy Birthday" to her, I felt as though they were singing to me too. (I love you Little Bill.) Then I just chilled the rest of the day. I got some money, and had some cake and ice cream with my family. A very simple birthday party, I am going to spend the majority of my money on Monday.


What did I wish for?


I can’t tell you that, or it won’t come true now would it. However, today I got to see the sexy light skin Jamaican half naked it was so wonderful.


The story on the Jamaicans, they moved on our block like maybe two years ago. They are so sexy, there are about ten of them all shades and heights and weights, but, they all are sexy. In the summer, the Jamaicans throw these crazy, loud parties. The street lines up with all these buff dudes, in cars like Mercedes and whatever. All you hear all night is reggae music, mostly Sean Paul and Mr. Marley. Well last year, they were throwing one of their parties, and the next day almost the whole house got arrested. A twelve year old girl lost her virginity at the party (or maybe she just had sex who knows.). However, she was invited to the party at 1 o’clock in the morning.(Which raises the question. Why was she out so late by herself?) The man who took her virginity locked himself in the house, and the police were outside all day trying to break down the door. ( It was so crazy they turned off all utilities on the block, to make sure that he would have to come outside. This affected our whole block. Also there wouldn’t have been such a fuss, because, it was consensual sex, and him resisting arrest made it worse. But it was still statutory rape.) They got him, and the rest of the Jamaicans were alright. My favorite one of them is the light skin one. He has this long straight hair, that curls at the end. He is so mysterious the other day he was on the porch watching the sunset, with no shirt on, but a Jamaican flag wrapped around him with some boot cut jeans and some flip flops. He is my favorite, the other ones always are staring at me. I don’t know if they are like let’s kick his ass or what. But one day they commented on my clothes, so I guess they like the way I dress, who knows.


Every year on my birthday, I start thinking about my goals for that year. This year I am focusing on my school work, this is the last year to get my college resume to look magnetic to the colleges. It would be nice to have a little relationship with a cool, STD free, guy. But, I am not stressing over that. School is going to make my hair fall out as it is lol.


My family is all sad, my aunt wrote in the card about how the years have flown past. Like I am 100 or about to die. My dad wrote about the first time he held me. My mother was extra hype.


I AM HAPPY TO HAVE MADE IT TO SIXTEEN, ESPECIALLY THIS YEAR. WHEN CHILDREN ARE DYING LEFT AND RIGHT AND THEY ARE YOUNGER THAN ME. THANK YOU JESUS FOR MAKING IT TO SIXTEEN.


Today. Ms. Figueroa ( I think that’s how her name is spelled) was found dead in the woods. I am so sorry for her family, but, I am happy that they found her killer, Her killer is her baby’s daddy, who from what I heard has someone else pregnant with his baby. It is such a shame, I will be praying for her family.


I WANT TO SEE THE LIGHT SKIN JAMAICAN NAKED. OR AT LEAST WASHING HIS CAR IN HIS BOXERS AGAIN. DAMN.


Tonight, on Big Brother 6, I am convinced that Howie is bisexual, he kissed Kaysar on the cheek when he was voted out the house. April you two faced whore, I hope you fall down the steps and aren’t able to compete. I don’t know why they didn’t get rid of James when they had the chance. Now he is coming back stronger than ever. BEAU is the new head of house. I am so happy for him. I want him and Ivette to win. My friend KiKi said that Beau is playing it on the low and he’s going to win. I believe this is his plan, I hope that next week the house doesn’t retaliate against him. But who doesn’t like Beau he doesn’t mess with anyonme. (Except for when he sexually harassed the men when he got drunk in that big box.) They showed the thirteen girls on ANTM, I am not predicting anything just yet. But one of the black girls looks promising, and the Latin girl who talked about having curves. GO HEAD GIRL KILL THEM SKINNY GIRLS. MAKE THEM JEALOUS AND WANT TO GO RUN AND EAT SOMETHING. ( No offense to skinny girls, but Eva did take it from Tocarra.)( But I wanted Yaya to win anyway, until I saw her real face behind that mask.)


That is all for today, my birthday is over in a little while. But, my new year of life is just beginning, and who knows what that is going to bring.


Thank you for the birthday present, but don’t forget my half birthday on six months.-Marz

-Marz

Purging

I purged myself today in the same form that, Ms, Arie, and Ms. Hill or Eve does. Anyway, today I got my hair cut. My head feels so light and it isn’t all hot anymore. In the barbershop the conversations were off the wall crazy. Like in all barbershops everyone spoke their minds, about some serious things ( and some not so serious).


Here are the conversations held in the barbershop today.

1. They were talking about a basketball game, that the men in the shop were at the night before. At the game a fight broke out, and some people started shooting. They were joking about how they all had to run, and how everyone was fleeing the scene.

2. How there were pregnant women at the game, and how some of the women brought their kids, and they have no consideration about their children.

3. One of the pregnant girls got trampled.

4. There was no need for the shooting by 14-year old boys, over a bike.
( This really saddened me, the children in Philly are losing their damn mind. They lost them when they were five, and have no desire to find them.)

5. When the fourteen year olders get caught, it’s not going to be funny when they are in jail for twenty five years.

6. What they would do if their children shot people up.
( I see it like this, there are some criminal minded five year olders, they need to be locked way as soon as possible. There is no changing them, they will become killers, if you lock them away early. Then you will do the world a huge favor in not having to hunt them down. If you know that your child is going to be a criminal. Do yourself a favor, they will kill you in your sleep too. That’s all I’m saying.)

7. They need to go home and pump up, because they’re going to have to protect themselves in prison.

8. Why do that? When it will only attract the faggots.

Then they just started reminiscing about how crazy it was at the game.

9. They started talking about this man who was nicknamed "Go-Go Man". And from what I took form, it, he is a dancer, who makes his own pornos. He is also gay or bisexual, but he is diesel.

10. They started talking about Go-Go Man and how he hits on one of the barbers, and the gay stuff he does. ( Touching the barbers inner thigh, telling people that they should dance with him. He can show them then outfits in the bathroom. Etc.)


11. Then the dude who does my hair, ( he is always getting preoccupied and stopping, but he is great at his job so I don’t mind. And besides where did I have to go? lol) said how go go man is going to make a porno and he wants one of the other barbers in it that he hits on a lot. Then he started talking of what would take place in the porno. The whole barbershop was filled with laughs and comments about what was going to happen to the barber.

It never ever amazes me how straight men come up with gay things so easily. What he said and the other men said men said made me say. WHOA. It was off the wall OFF THE DAMN WALL. I was laughing, I thought he ws going to mess up my shape up. lol


It reminded me of how, when I was in middle school. The straight boys would say that I am going to become a barber so I could touch little boy’s head, and how I would rob a bank but after I get the money I would stand there. So I could be taken off to jail, where I would drop the soap on purpose. I could never think of stuff like that, but, the " straight" men can. HMMM makes me wonder. I don’t know what I’m wondering though lol. ( That man in the new show Jailbreak does that when he rob the bank too. lol)

It was good hearing a new topic other then how these black men are going to get rich quick on schemes. Like where they can get some discount shoes in NY and sell them. Or how they will get a food cart and sell food outside the new post office. This list goes on and on, I hope that I am not bitten by this bug to get rich quick. Because, the quicker you get rich the quicker it is to lose all your money. Hard work pays off so much more.

All though I have had some get rich quick schemes that would’ve made me rich. But they’re immoral.

I love after I get my hair cut, and I’m walking down the street and people are staring. Because, I am something that you must look at. ( yes I’m feeling a little conceited.) But my do, like a mini fro, with my natural nappy hair with a messed up hair line was not cute.

I got home and was alone, by myself. ( mommy was out with Gabrielle at the movies, and Dad was at work.) I got to enjoy my last day of being fifteen in my lonesome. I cooked, cleaned, exercised, studied, and just relaxed and thought.

I thought about this past year, and how before I turned fifteen I was a mess. And how over the last year I have embraced me, and boy do I love what I’ve embraced, and have become in being embraced. For example, last year I would have felt all like pressured to be straight, because of what was said in the barbershop. ( Eww I was such a mess) But yet, I was thinking about my growth in myself, and how I have changed (also was it going to rain). I am ready to turn 16 and ready for the many experiences that will occur. And how you my blog will be here to record them. ( And after looking back over this year I realized how I needed something like this blog. This year was fun though.)


I am ready to embrace my next year of life, and the new chapter in my life.


This song has been in my head all day.

I’m incapable of hating, I’m filled with too much love.-Marz

-Marz

Random Thoughts

Is is just me or is Conan O'Brien really sexy? ( it's me)

Why are the fonts on blogger.com so bad?

If they had Comic Sans we would be cool.

What am I going to wear on the one hundred and thirty second day of school. ( forget the first day)

I need a new dressing style.

A mosquitoe just bit me. I might die of West Nile Virus.

Why do banks close before 5 on Thursdays?

I am socially retarded.

This is a really bad post right here it really really is.



Anyhow this blog was supposed to be funny and interesting, but , the dialup took so long to get here that all my ideas are gone. OH WELL.

August is such a horrible month. There are no holidays, it's the month before school and it's always so hot. The only good thing is my birthday which is in two days. When I have my company or whatever I will own. August 20th will be a holiday, and all the people will be given 50 dollars the day before. (To give to me as a birthday present, well maybe they can give me like 20 dollars.)

EWWWW My parents are having adult fun like right this second. ( the walls are too thin in this house.)

AT the teenzone party tonight. I did no talking at all. What is wrong with me, I will never meet people not talking. This is weird, because, I can talk to anyone about anything. Then after that I went to Border's (again), and read twenty pages of James Earl Hardy. I am walking around center city on the outskirts of Gay Philly and, I see this really banging older black man. ( Like 40.) I began thinking about me at 40. I am going to be so sexy. It is going to flow from my pores. I don't want to be one of those older black gay men, who live in Manhattan and walk around in Neiman Marcus leather sandals . And wear white shirts with two buttons on the top undone, and some khakis. After admiring his ass a little bit more , I went underground to go home.

Underground there are these two cute gay boys. I was mad at myself for not saying something. I have to get over my social problems quick. I work at a public place where being a people person counts. Especailly when school starts again. I don't know.

But I am happy that my self esteem stayed at a high level today. Usually when I see other people and they are dressed better than me. Or I just start feeling down I start beating myself up, but, i didn't. My hair looked a mess, and my shirt was all wide necked, but, I still had my high esteem. I think I am accomplishing the type of self esteem I wanted. The kind that isn't high just because I have my hair cut and my outfit is new and whatever. But because, I love me for who I am.

Tomorrow is my last day of being fifteen.

Today's PSAT words are:

abase-humiliate,lower.

blithe-gay,happy,joy

I have so many of them to learn.


Let another man praise thee, and not thine own mouth; a stranger, and not thine own lips. Proverbs 27:2

-Marz

2 YEARS 3 DAYS

My parents are crazy, they heard the word "party" on the answer machine. They didn’t hear anything else, and they started yelling at me. About what you may ask?. Well my father thought that I was going to a party, without his permission. My mother thought I was throwing myself a surprise birthday party. I was so angry because, they didn’t even listen to the message all the way through. And they began yelling at me like I’m doing drugs, and stealing the bill money for it. ( not saying it would be alright to do drugs with my own money, but you know.)


It clearly said that it was Maria calling about a party for teen zone ( the online magazine). They wanted know was I bringing something.


Then my mother and I have a conversation about me getting married and me having children. ( more like her telling me that I have to have children and get married, to a woman of course.) OH HELL NO. I am the last person in my family who can pass on our last name. First off, I don’t want children, because, I raised myself and my little sister. I want nothing to do with that. I am looking forward to being a cool uncle. Then marriage, even if gay marriage is legal, I want nothing to do with it. Then my mom says what if you meet a nice woman and she wants children then what. WELL BECAUSE SHE WANTS CHILDREN WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME. I DON’T WANT CHILDREN. I AM GAY. I am so through with these folks acting crazy over every little thing, basically telling me to get married and make her some grandkids. HOW DARE YOU. I told her don’t expect it, because, I am not having children. Then she always, say you never know who you’ll meet and BLAH BLAH BLAH. WHATEVER. I am so through with my parents


Other conversations tonight. My mother talked with my G-mom Pastor. She got a piece of glass stuck in hr foot, and took it out. Then drove down to Georgia the same day. ( G-mom Pastor is so crazy.)My mom is getting back with her family and I am happy for her.


I told my dad that I am going out with Erica on Monday. He didn’t say anything he was like so why are you telling me. I was happy and mad, because, this is a prime example of how he’s a parent when it’s convenient. He wanted to know where I was that weekend, because, I wasn’t where he wanted me to be at the time he wanted it. But now that that time has pass and it isn’t convenient to him, who cares right. But I am glad that he didn’t say anything and we didn’t have to talk.


My mother has another conversation with me telling me that, she has to mentally prepare herself to realize that I am leaving. She told me this two years ago, when she sat me down and told me. " I had to realize that you’re going to college I thought you were just saying it as an idle threat." I AM SO THROUGH WITH MY PARENTS. I AM SO THROUGH WITH THE GHETTO, AND PHILADELPHIA AS A WHOLE.


Pushing heterosexuality, marriage, and children on me is not cute. I will have to have another discussion with her tomorrow about it. I WAS SO MAD. Especially because, she tried to make it seem like she cares so much because our last name. And how it has to go on in history. IF YOU WANT THE FAMILY NAME TO GO ON, HAVE ANOTHER SON.( It’s not even her last name damn.)


I AM MAD THAT I ALLOWED THOSE HEIFERS TO MAKE ME MAD.
( I do have to take some credit, nobody can make you angry. I got angry on my own, but they piss me off.)


I WOULD SO RUNAWAY IF I COULD BRING ALL MY CLOTHES.
( I can’t leave any of my jeans that I brought with my own money oh hell no, 2 years 3 days.)


I feel like writing something deep and beautiful but I am so angry.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SCHOOL STARTS IN THREE WEEKS.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And get this, this year was our family reunion, when I ask why didn’t we go. My mother responds because we were busy.


DOING WHAT?


NOT A DAMN THING.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Two days after I choose to be in control of my anger. Life is a trip. I am going to go make me some tea, and relax my mind. Because if I stay in this state, I will be up for the next couple of hours.




-Marz

PENSION CHECKS

I received a pension check today, in the mail from the city of Philadelphia (my employer). I don’t understand it, so I asked my mother. Why would I be receiving a check for something that I’m not supposed to get until I retire. She didn’t know, and I don’t know, so I am going to go cash it. The theory that I have come to is that, "the man" wants to kill off another black young man. They are giving me my pension, because, soon a sniper is going to pluck me off . ( It isn’t more than 20 dollars) But money is money and a penny looks like a million dollars to the poor. If my posts are discontinued, you know what happened.

Also, in the mail was an invitation to a meeting with the undergraduate admissions officers of Washington University. The college that I know that I am going to for free.( Cuz I got it like that.) I tell my mom, and she is trying to not commit herself to going. But, I got her in a guilt trip saying. "If you don’t go you don’t care about my education, and I mine as well drop out now". She wants me to go to a school like Temple, Drexel, or University of Penn. They are down the street around the corner. I have to get free, from living with them and there rules. We are going to go, and the people will be so smitten by me, I will be accepted on the spot.

Alright besides that nothing really happened today. It was so hard watching" Tommy Lee goes to College", " Big Brother 6", And the "Teen Choice Awards" at the same time. But I did it. I don’t think that the teen choice awards were that good. All award shows are going downhill, they need to let the presenters say whatever, because, some of them can’t read. Why are the people on Big Brother trying to get rid of Kaysar instead of James. GET RID OF JAMES. Kaysar is evil too but James I more evil.


Update on work stuff: I am starting on September 8th, because, I am going to a concert on my the 7th . ( I know that’s wrong but I don’t have an assigned first day.) Yesterday, I went to the library and all the staff were begging me to come back a month early. I can’t because I can’t work until the first day of school. However, I did some work and got some volunteer hours. While there I asked about the new boss Kim.( She took Ms. Hansen’s place.) Everyone says well I haven’t got a feel of her yet, she is very sickly and she is always lying down. I don’t know what this means for me, but she seems nice.

However, she is a follower. Nikki was talking to Kim and was looking in my direction. Then Kim comes over to me and says all this stuff that obviously Nikki just told her. I asked the other people if Nikki was my boss, so I would know if she could fire me and everyone said no. Then one of my co-workers tells me that Nikki doesn’t like males, especially males of color. Then she says I guess it’s form past traumatic events, and Nikki thinks I’ll get rid of them before they can hurt me. I feel sad about males that did her wrong. (Because, like I said she is definitely bitter about life.) But don’t take that out on me, You better get over your issues with males today, you sexist woman, because, I am here to stay. ( at least until the first of July lol).


May today be the best day of your life, until tomorrow..-Marz

-Marz

ANGER

Anger is defined as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. For me it is an emotion that I experience too often. I get angry often, at what, many things. Tonight, as I stood in the ghetto watching people pass both my parents cars turned towards each other. Trying to give each other a jump. I became enraged, because, I should have been home. It wasn’t working as fast as it should’ve. I then began to look at why was I angry, and how I shouldn’t be. Anger is not healthy or something that I should dwell on. However, I find myself going to anger as my first emotion when dealing with things.


I wouldn’t say that my anger is out of control, and that I am just filled with rage. But, it still isn’t healthy to become angry at little things. Or is it? I don’t know, I think that the main point is that I work through my anger and am able to release it in a healthy way. I still will get angry, but I know it will be healthier, to work on my anger problems.


But tonight was a night to be angry.


My mom dropped me off at the library so I could see when the boss wanted me to begin work. ( She said the seventh but I am going to a concert that day so I’m starting the 8th.) My mom tells me that she will get there to pick me up at 7:30( when she dropped me off at 3). Seven Thirty comes and goes and I am standing outside the closed library at 8:30. I am picked up by my mother in a car of one of the church people. She drives us back to church. ( where my mother went to intercessory prayer.) We pull up on my mothers’ car and then my dad is there with his car. He comes over, and gets in the car. He throws my moms’ pocketbook on me like I wasn’t sitting there. Then when I got out the car, he comes behind me and is like move get out the way. DON’T YELL AT ME PRICK. Then the whole time while he is trying to get my moms car together he is giving me hate stares. The whole situation made me angry, plus I was so embarrassed because I am standing by these cars both of my parents looked a mess. And we just looked so ghetto, then I realized we are in the ghetto and no one cares.

I sat back and began to pray, this relaxed me. Then I turned on my music, and watched the cute boys pass. I realized there is no reason to be mad, especially since the weather was so nice. Even though I am truly mad in the manner that my father was treating me. He won’t be happy until I push him down the steps and throw some bricks down after him.

It ended in my moms car being put into neutral and my dad pushing her car home. It was too funny, because, we are driving down the street and everyone is yelling lights lights lights. And oncoming cars are flashing their lights, because, my mothers lights weren’t on. But she couldn’t put them on, because, it would take from the batterys’ power. While in the car she told me that she saw my Aunt Tamika while shopping and they are reuniting their relationship. (My mother disowned her family after my G-mom Pastors’ wedding.) I am happy for my mother letting it go, and I was truly happy for myself for not being a little ball of anger. ( Cause lord knows I was going to tell her off for having me outside in a vacant parking lot miles from home.)

I am going to learn to mange my anger, because, I am black and we do die from high blood pressure. I’m not for that.

New things for today: My new husband is Freddy Adu, the soccer player from Ghana. I saw the Bow Wow video "Like You". I have to watch it again. But did Mr. Moss go through puberty, because, it doesn’t look like he did. He is all scrawny, someone should have said to him, "oh no boo, put your shirt back on if you ain’t got nothing to show". I don’t know. But he was hype at the end when he told that man his breath stinks. I don’t know I have to watch it again. TOP MODEL 5 STARTS ON SEPTEMBER 21,2005 I CAN’T WAIT. I am a top model fanatic I will be discussing everything. Well I have checked the website, Ms. Dickinson will not be gracing us, because, of her debut on The Surreal Life, and another book. But, Jay Alexander ( Ms. J), and Twiggy will be new judges. I cannot wait, they showed two of the girls Jayla, and Coryn they aren’t going to win, sorry girls. What happened to the first two top models ? You only see Eva and Naimi.


Well; now that mommys’ car is down we will be trapped in the house. Oh well.

Red isn’t my color.-Marz

-Marz

HELLOPHOBIA

I have a fear of hell that is rooted a ways back. At my old church ( my Grandmother’s church) the little children would come to Sunday School. In Sunday school they would teach simple lessons, like the ten commandments, Jonah ( I love that story so much), Noah, David & Goliath, and stuff like that. Well whenever, the children would act up the Sunday school teacher would say," Now Johhny don’t be bad you don’t want to go to hell". Well when you are telling a four year older this their response is," Why don’t I want to go to hell".


Why don’t you want to go to hell?


It is hot hotter than this church ever gets. ( I used to hate when it was like 100 degrees in the church surrounded by a bunch of black people ( I don’t care what they say we attract the most heat) with them paper fans ( from the funeral homes)that make it hotter, and the preacher would say I don’t know why yall are complaining about this temperature because it’s hotter in hell. Then everyone would get up and start shouting elevating the temperature. Everybody move out the aisles so sister such and such can be escorted out by the paramedics she just had a heat stroke, but keep praising him. NO GET SOME AIR CONDITIONING LOL) Anyway, and demons are everywhere and they just kill you over and over. They rape you and make your life miserable. There are bugs that crawl all over you and you can’t brush them off of you, and the devil knows exactly what you don’t like so he’ll make sure it is there to get you. And you’ll be there for eternity, which means forever.


This is what they would tell a four year older of why he shouldn’t blow bubbles in his water.


I was told all this at like three, and so were my friends at church. But, the thing is they told us if we were bad that we were going to hell. Then they always made sure to say, obeying your parents is a commandment. The bible says, obey your parents that your days may be long upon the land. So if you don’t listen to your parents, then you’ll die earlier than you should and since you’re died being bad, you’ll go to hell. They had a whole group of children afraid to be bad. But the thing is how can you not do something bad at this age ( or ever). But the parents always said something, like stop being bad or your going to hell, you’re going to hell for that one. (Since they were older that automatically made them right) we are all walking around at six thinking that our souls are bound for eternal damnation.


I now realize that this was a way to keep the children good. Although it is true that people are going to go to hell. If you eat those cookies you’re going to hell is totally unnecessary and out of control. It was a way to keep children in line, by scaring them. It also added many issues to all of us at DHOG (Deliverance House of God Prayer for all People my old church they will need a month of post to capture their essence) I would just walk around and cry sometimes when I was five because I was going to hell and there was nothing to do about it, for, not asking to get that penny off the floor in my parents room. Because stealing is against the laws of the ten commandments, church folk will screw you up so badly.


I am no longer believing that God will say you took that penny off the ground say hi to Satan for me. But I was still raised with some really strict and ( now that I look at it crazy rules. This is why I am always so worked up about going to hell for liking boys. In just in general, but living in fear is not fun, cute, and I will have nothing to do with it)


I think next Sunday I will write of DHOG, but, I know it will be too much to get in one post.


Today, I went to church by myself, my mother was cooking dinner and breakfast at the same time. She says you go ahead we’ll be there. She shows up by herself ten minutes before service ends. And why because of a stupid conversation. My father who I have said talks for forever about foolishness. Uses every chance he gets to hold a discussion with my mom about, bull. Like he will hold a discussion about how my mom used to do something that annoyed him in their first year of marriage when they are in their seventeenth year now. He always just wants to talk and talk and talk. The reason why these discussions always get on my nerves are, first, they take up all my mothers time to do something more beneficial. Secondly, because, then I have to listen and talk to her about her man. Today he started to talk with her about the shopping. Since, my father has the new job he will not be able to do the grocery shopping anymore. He used to do it all the time and clip coupons and evreything and chase sells, because, he liked to oversee the money. He also thinks that he is just this great shopper, he is sometimes but then again he isn’t. For example, it’s good when you can get something on sell and use a coupon and get it for free. But when you bring home eight dozens of eggs (when we don’t eat eggs very often), and it’s outrageous. My mom is going to start shopping and she has a new system and he is afraid to let go of this repsonsibility, and do something new. Also, because, our mom is talking to us about what we want to eat instead of him just buying what he thinks we like. For example, he would buy all cereals that my sister says she likes ,when she doesn’t even eat cereal. Leaving eight boxes of cereal I don’t like in the cabinet for me to eat. He rants and raves about him wasting money. I am glad that he is letting go, and getting rid of a piece of uneeded stress in his life. So yes I was there by myself, but, I am glad that I showed that much perseverance to go by myself.


I am not ready to begin this week, but it’s not what I want now is it.


Okay today I was verbailizing a song( that’s when instead of singing it I put it into words like it’s poetry so my parents think it’s something I’ve written.) "Wake Up" by Ms. Keys. ( I know her diary is extra old, but I snuck it in the house and have it on my Mp3 player ( wait that might be why it broke lol)) I was syaing the hook or the bridge part, about when the smoke clears was going to be left and Blah balh balh. Then my mom is like, did you write that, I say no then I continue saying the words, then she says you didnt’ write that. That’s formt he song Break up to Makeup, I am like no Ms. Keys didn’t steal some song lyrics from someone. It mkaes me mad that she knows music that isn’t gospel and I don’t. I DON’T WANT TO BE VIEWED AS THE STEREOTYPICAL PASTOR’S CHILD. You know crazy, and wild but have to stay mild mannered or I will embarrass my family. But I am, it’s a shame.


Today I ventured into the thought that what if, a family member found my blog. They would decide to run their mouths, and start drama. If anyone I know personally reads my blog all I have to say is.


WASSUP. MAKE SURE YOU READ MY BLOG COMPLETELY SO YOU CAN HAVE THE FACTS WHEN YOU CALL MY PARENTS.


( but I might want to take my picture off from a couple of days ago. lol)


The only three men you can ever rely on is Jesus, and Ben&Jerry's.-Marz


-Marz

I LOVE ME

I have just viewed Ms. Carey's Shake it Off video. Well hmm. She could've done it better, the song is about spiting the man for cheating on you, some parts didn't make sense. is Chris Tucker her new man? Very sexy in the bathtub, but girl you could've worked it on out, don't just rub your knee. Who washes like that.

How it ould have been better, if the man came home with some woman and checked his messages. Because according to the song, she broke up with him on a the message on the answer machine. Then the woman would leave because she would hear of how is he. They could show her taking her clothes and his car, the man wasn't left in despair the way the song let's off. She didn't come off as a bitter bitch, and that is how she should come off. Sort of like Kelly in the Girl video when she tied thatman up, now that video wasn't all that. But I mean what did she do to the man took her clothes and left, the car didn't even look expensive. I should become a music video maker. But overall Ms. MIMI I am so happy that your cd is doing well and you are selling and you showed your ex. KARMA IS A Motha AIN"T IT?

I have just finished another entertaining episode of Big Brother 6. All the lies, deceit, they are too much, for me( please who am I lying to? lol). If I lived in that house I would have people so messed up, it wouldn't be funny. Okay, so first April I don't like her at all I hope she loses. Kaysar you are to sexy, I have decided that my hubby is going to be from the middle East, Indian or something like that.( No offense to black folk, but I am all for interracial dating and I will be all up in it.) Janelle how do you get your hair like that. It's flyy keep it up. James you're evil and I want you to lose with April. Ivette I like your attitude show them little girls how to be a woman. Howie is a bisexual, he is always acting curious about Beau( the gay brother on the show). He says that it is a strategy that if he needs Beau to support him than he can act bi-curious and get an ally. NO. You like men there is a diference with flirting just in case you need someone not to vote you off. But, you looked at his dick in the shower, and commented like you to ssuck it.(according to how the women were screaming when they peeked, it's huge.) Beau two things, first I don't think you have the evilness necessary to win. I will support you because you are a gay brother and you're cute but I should have better motives than that.Please give me a reason to support you. Second,you better jump on that, I mean if I was trapped up in that house I would jump on Howie. ( well right now I would jump on howie if I wasn't in that house.lol)

Speaking of being trapped in houses today I was freed. YAYYYYYYY. My family wanted to go to this baptism on this farm, with a pool with the church. But where did I have to go? I had to sign the rest of my work paperwork. Can you say free in Center City. I was going to call up a friend to go with, but since, it was such short notice I decided to just go down by myself. My parents left at around 9 and I knew that they wouldn't be back until at least 4. I had to be down there between 9:30 and 3:30. My mind start racing with the possibilities of what to do. First thought find some cute boy who is shopping downtown, and lives in my neighborhood and bring him home for some fun. (Jesus please help me to be a good virgin like you were) ( Can you imaginme him doing that for 33 years my lawd.) So I cleaned and got ready, I stepped outside it was so hot and I had to run down the street because the trolley was coming. I got on, and that air conditioning hit my face. Beautiful.

I got downtown and headed for the library, I arrived there after walking through the park with the huge fountain across from the Art Museum. There were all these people in it. I signed my stuff and it only took like 5 mintues, and it was 1. SO I decided to be dull and walked myself on over to Border's and got Mr. Hardys sixth book( Mr. James Earl Hardy I promise I will buy your books one day but times are hard. I'm not emplyed right now lol) ( BB I have decided that I will pay you back by taking you out to dinner and your meal will come to the total of the book, and I will buy a second book you can autograph) While I sat on a bench listening to the new Mary Mary cd( which I must have). I started looking at the cute center city young/men. Thought wouldn't it be fun to have a nice lil thang to go shopping with, on these lonely ass weekends. when I'm curling up with Little Bit and Pooquie doing things I want to do ( People don't follow my lead pick up the B-Boy Blues series by James Earl Hardy, with money.) Then I thought about all the drama in having a lil thang, and dealing with his shyt and mine and ours together and how much drama that would add to my soul. Drama unneeded. I enjoyed being by myself and being my own lover. ( And boy can I love me right lol) Today I shot my healthy eating to hell ya hear me to HELL. Cakes, and donut holes ,and deliciousness, if only vegetables tasted like bacon (I am turning into the folk in my family lol) I'll do better tomorrow( maybe lol).But what if I could have a lil thang without drama? These questions are the kind that get my ass in trouble. They get me to thinking misconceptually.

School starts on September 7 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. This is the day Jeana and I are supposed to go to this concert. DANG. I Am so not ready to go back even though it's 25 days from today. Another question is why does the people at my job have this knowledge when the School District doesn't. ( I've been calling my school for the past two weeks asking when the first day was. They said they didn't know, but the library does it doesn't make sense. I swear the Philadelphia School District is the worst in the country) Another thing about work I thought of while downtown, Nikki said that Ms. Hansen hated me and wanted to fire me so bad but didn't beccause she was retiring right? But Ms. Hansen was the person who gave me my re-hire papers and was the one who chose my new co-workers. If she really had a problem with me she wouldn't have given me re-hire papers now would she have. I want to talk to Nikki about these things so bad, because, she makes no sense. But I think it's best I don't, then I will be fired. Lying, deceitful old woman why do you hate me so much? I'm going to let it go, but, if she approaches me then it will be brought to the light. If the heifer tries to fire my ass I will do her one better I will get myself transferred downtown(maybe to the Gay library I have a huge smile on my face right now). Who knows it's in God's hands, but like I said earlier KARMA is a MOTHA. It's coming around Nikki you just wait. ( and lord help me to not laugh and be happy when it does come around but let me be compassionate to her poor soul.)


Men are like snowstorms you never know when they're coming, and how many inches you're going to get.- Erica

You can never have to much dick, dick is like money. You can never have to much. I love them both so much. - Alicia

I wish gravity worked on men too.-Marz (think about it)


-Marz

2 YEARS 8 DAYS LEFT

Right now I am experiencing a different sense of boredom. Not the kind last week, wanting to do something great, spectacular. No. Today, is the type of boredom I usually feel on most Fridays. On Friday nights nothing happens at all, and I long to go out and do things. All my friends are at a party, or a club, risking becoming pregnant or getting someone pregnant, or just plain having fun. I never do anything fun, because, I can’t go anywhere or do anything, because, of my parent’s strict rules. It’s the kind f boredom knowing that I could be having fun, but, I’m not, because, of the wardens of this jail.


Do you ever just feel something for no reason? Or just want to do something out of your nature?


This is how I feel on weekends nights. For some reason I just feel like dancing and drinking and acting crazy.( I think it may flow through my blood like a party gene or something.) I know for a fact that there are some party animals in my family. ( my G-mom Pastor used to own a bar and her stories are outrageous.) I don’t know, but, I can’t wait until college, it’s sad because since my parents are so stern I am going to become this crazy wild party boy. (Hopefully my grades won’t reflect this, I don’t think they will) 2 YEARS 8 DAYS.


I wish I could go do something fun, my goodness. It makes me so sad every year on the first day of school, when the teacher says. Alright we need to see your writing skills in action write me an essay of what you did with your summer. I always have nothing to write so I make up something funny and get an A( as usual). But, I would like to write I went somewhere I did something meaningful with my summer. I mean I wanted to volunteer at somewhere like Planned Parenthood, but my mom said that I can’t work there because, Christians are always trying to bomb them. Then I said you’re one of them aren’t you. She wasn’t ready to respond right away so I gave a second. I am a christian but I am not that crazy to bomb Planned Parenthood. It came down to her telling me that she didn’t want me promoting sex.


Tomorrow, I have to go and sign my paperwork for my job.


My mom said she was alright with Erica and I going out, but I had to tell my dad. This made me extremely angry. He is not even going to be home so why does he have to know. My father chooses when he wants to be a parent. He chooses to be a father when it is convenient to him. Like when I get honor roll or do something really good or something really bad. Otherwise he doesn’t care ( or at least this is who it seems when you tell him something and he says so what does that have to do with me) , or act like a parent he is as I call him just my mothers husband (I say this to my mom and tell her not to refer to that man as my father( She can’t prove it anyway, neither one of them can show me my birth certificate, but it is so convenient that they have pictures of my sister as a child and her birth certificate in a safe place) I swear that I am adopted. I have given my mother several chances to tell me, so that when I meet my real mother I can still stay in touch with my adoptive kin. But, she continues to lie so I am not going to speak to them ever again when I find my real parents.) Anyways, my father made this rule that he wants to know where I am going. ( Because I would just tell my mom because it didn’t concern him, and she is my parent.) One afternoon after my training downtown I walked around center city, and came home like an hour and a half after the training was done. My mother knew where I was at, but he was worried ( about missing the beginning of the movie we were going to) and now wants to know where I am going.


The thing is if I tell him, he is going out get all hype about this being a date, and want to talk for three hours. ( He is one of those men who just keep talking and talking.) I don’t have time for that. I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I CAN GO OUT WITHOUT HAVING MY PARENTS ASK ME IF SOMEONE HAS A SECRET AGENDA TO HAVE MY BABY. God reading this it sounds so crazy, but it is so normal to me. I NEED OUT OF THIS DAMN ASYLUM. 2 YEARS 8 DAYS.


E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES yes the birds are in summer training camp and they don up and loss their minds.


T.O. is acting a fool and he left the city, and isn’t going to practice. He keeps saying stuff about Donovan McNabb on television. DONOVAN baby why are you on tv with your hair looking a mess, and your facial hair all funked up( making press statements). You make millions a year take twenty dollars from those millions and get someone to braid your hair, and shave your face while you’re at it.


He is on tv talking about how T O is a great player but keep Donovan’s name out his mouth. They are crazy, especially after they loss the SUPERBOWL, and Donovan says to the cameras, we both are men if he has something to say about me then we can handle it like men. See that’s why you don’t give niggas money they up and lose their minds acting all crazy and ghetto. Now I love Donovan, he is cute, he plays injured( they be trying to kill him on the field), his ass is a piece of fine art, and he gives so much back to the community. But can you represent your race in a respectful manner my Lord.


I’m not a really huge football fan, but living in Philly you have to rep your team or you will be killed( literally they killed some man for wearing a Jordan jersey when the sixers were last in the playoffs.) I will have so much to say about this season. My first thing to say is if they don’t win the superbowl this year, people will be shot.( You should’ve seen how folk were acting last year I was afraid to go outside. Shooting everywhere panic in the streets. Thought God had come back.


Other news it is hot, this is the fifth heat wave of the summer. Today with the heat index it was 101, let’s add on the insulation of this house with no a.c. 1,000 degrees F. I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I CAN LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH AIR CONDITIONING AND WHEN IT GETS HOT I CAN GO DO SOMETHING FUN AND COOL. 2 YEARS 8 DAYS.

Ps I have taken all this energy and have divided into exercise( my back is killing me from it), becoming a better person, and studying for the PSAT. (I can (and will) score perfect on it God willing) My mind is so out of whack, I need to be at a party dancing.


You ain’t worth two pennies in a quarter factory-Marz


-Marz

SCHOOL SHOPPING

Every year around this time many companies lower prices to make a bigger income for this quarter of sales. Which companies? The paper, pen, school supplies, and clothing companies. Yup, it’s that time of year again, BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING. The signs depress me so much, I have to take uppers just to walk into any store now, or watch television commercials. Anyways, last week my parents began getting school supplies, which includes, getting the cheapest things possible. ( the pens they got last year were 10 cents for a ten pack, however, you have to take two to school because they explode within 4 hours.) Today my sisters school called, to tell her that her orientation starts on the 22nd, and that she would have to wear the uniform. My mom then decides that we should begin pricing uniforms. We didn’t leave right away, because, my mom had to go get my dad from work. I cooked dinner some fried porkchops, butter garlic egg noodles, and veggies.


My mom is starting to get on my last nerves every time I cook something now. She goes behind my back and adds something to it. Like on Monday, I made some baked chicken (it was so good) and she goes and throws all this buffalo wing sauce on it, and says, we’re having buffalo wings tonight. NO WE’RE NOT. She messed up my meal, I am tired of her cooking behind me. Today she puts like a whole stick of margarine in my egg noodles and makes them all oily and nasty. STOP COOKING BEHIND ME AND MESSING UP MY DISHES. ADD IT TO YOUR PLATE. She better not cook behind me tomorrow when I make my famous fried fish, because, then she will be cooking dinner herself.


My sister, mom, and I get into the car around 7:00. While in the car my sister is talking about how only one bus goes to her new school ( she is starting high school this year). When she says one bus she means, only one bus goes to her school at one time( the 402), because, the rest of the bus drivers drive whatever route is convenient to them. This is a lie, because we drove past her school, and the bus was there she is so dumb(also, the sign outside her school had like 8 buses poster on it). Plus, another bus drives past there constantly all day, so she is lying. While in the car she starts getting hype, and talking about whatever. With her she wants to talk and not be interrupted but when it’s my turn to talk she wants to talk and turn the conversation back to her. SHUT UP YOU STUPID TRICK. Then she starts talking about how good a school she got accepted to trying to make herself seem like something special. ( I am trying not to bust her bubble but you would think she got accepted to Harvard).


In Philly there are a lot of different high schools. Some focus on certain things, and have subjects like a trade school would. Some high schools are College prep schools, and some schools are neighborhood schools. Neighborhood schools are the school that the children in the neighborhood get accepted to, because, they can’t get into a criteria based school. Meaning that they take anyone. (like a community college but for high school). My school is the third best in the city, her school was an annex of a neighborhood, that is a little smart, however, it’s t nowhere near the top twenty high schools in Philly. She didn’t even get accepted to the high schools she applied to, and my mom had to go to this high school and plead with the principal to accept her, because, she didn’t want her to go to the neighborhood high school( where she was going had the principal not accepted her). So when she sits in the car, and tries to make herself seem like she is so smart and try to make it seem like she got into a really good school on her own. I just want to yell at her who are you trying to impress? We all know what happened so SHUT UP YOU STUPID TRICK. My mom always looks at me and when we are alone she says I know you want to say somethineg to your sister but leave her alone. Let her feel good about this.( More like let her be delusional.)


Then while she is talking everytime I looked at my mom. She started yelling, why are yall always trying to make me sound stupid. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT , I said, NO ONE SAID ANYTHING TO YOU. . Yall always trying make me sound stupid and BLAH BLAH BLAH she replies. Listen up no one is saying anything to you I am listening to my music. No one is talking, the only thing that is happening right now is you’re showing your insecurities. She got all mad. Then my mom said your brother is right. No one said anything about you being stupid, no one said anything. I then ask my mom about my school clothes.


Basically, she told me that I have to buy my own clothes, because, I have a job. WHAT ( She didn’t use those words, but, you know how people try to make things like different than what they are.) Then my sister starts talking, why do you need new clothes anyway, why do you need anything for school. You have a job, this is my first year of high school. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Listen up honey, the money I get from work 10% goes to God and the rest goes into the bank. SO that when I leave this hellhole of a city I will have spending money to use at my free will along, with my college job, and the extra monies from all the scholarships I am going to apply to(and get). Don’t question me about my money, you mind your business.( This is how I felt.) Then she starts trying to persuade my mom that she shouldn’t buy me anything at all. She starts talking about my school wardrobe like she is an elf in my closet. HEIFER YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I DO OR DON’T HAVE. SO DON’T TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU DO. We go into the clothes store, I go off by myself. My mom and sister go into the women’s section then I see them in the men’s section and then my mom is like, come on we’re leaving. She is saying to my sister that she is going to buy her shirts that aren’t tight but she won’t let her dress like a boy.


OKAY, today I noticed something that I have noticed but didn’t want to take comment on. I think my sister may be a lesbian, she walks around belching as loud as she can, dressing like a boy. She did some stuff to her hair so it fell out and now it’s shorter( her hair was banging but the dumb child doesn’t know that you can’t keep washing and blow drying your hair without putting some oil or conditioner on it. FOOL.) Also, she is always talking to this girl named Jennifer who may be more than a friend, and whenever she is not having her phone conversations in her room. I over hear her talking about who is gay and who is a butch lesbian and which boy is gay and BLAH BLAH BLAH. LET ME FIND OUT. I can’t live with that kind of dram in my soul.( This whole statement is selfish BUT WHO CARES) She can’t be lesbian, because, my parents can’t have two gay children. ( they would feel like failures as parents, they can’t take the disappointment of two children) In the fact that the only reason why they won’t be crazy about not having grandchildren from me is the fact that. That one would get pregnant, but if she is gay then she won’t be having children( who knows she still can though.) She can’t be, because, AHHHHHHH my reasons are so stupid but she just can’t be. DAMN CHILD I CAN’T STAND HER. ALWAYS BEING A DAMN THIEF STEALING MY GAY GENE, I WANT IT BACK. Who knows she could just be a tomboy.

On the way home she is done talking to us, because, she says I am never talking to yall again and I can’t wait til school stats and I can interact with children my age. HOW OLD ARE YOU, WHO IS GOING TO BE A CHILD AT YOUR SCHOOL NO ONE. IT’S HIGH SCHOOL BABY PEOPLE ARE TEENS TO ALMOST GROWN. I am talking with my mom about if I get scheduled to get World History, or American History she will have to get my roster changed to Social Science ( it’s an easier class and I don’t feel like taking the histories until senior year). Then again she buts her big head in, you have to take whatever classes are assigned to you. NO I DON’T .Yes you do, and I don’t see why you don’t just take the history class if you get it. WELL YOU WOULDN’T KNOW BECAUSE YOU AREN’T EVEN A FRESHMAN YET AND YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND THE CLASSES. Short story short I chewed her out OUT YA HEAR ME. Had her so mad she said that she hates me and will never talk to me again CAN I GET THAT ON PAPER. I WILL SIGN IT WITH MY BLOOD. But I did feel bad for my mom because she was having cramps, and having heat flashes, and had to listen to us argue. But the trick wouldn’t stop pestering me, when I wasn’t even talking to her. If you don’t know what you’re talking about, THEN SHUT YOUR MOUTH. If the conversation doesn’t concern you THEN SHUT YOUR MOUTH. But her insecurity of her being stupid was shown to be true because she didn’t understand these concepts. I’m through with you little girl, and watch next week she is going to want to know all about high school. ( Last week she told me I know nothing about high school, because, I am just an 11th grader WOW SHE IS BRILLIANT)

I am through with her, and I can’t wait until school starts just for the fact that I won’t have to interact with anyone in this family, because, I am so busy. Also, I am so mad that they are going to try and make me buy my own wardrobe, JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A JOB, I MEAN DO I HAVE A DEGREE AM I PULLING IN A LIVING SALARY. MY GOD I GET PAID BIWEEKLY. I know that mom and dad probably came to this decision unanimously.But I will do what I have to do and when I do it I will say I did it on my own.


Because that’s what Marz does, he does it own his own.

Tomorrow we came to the conclusion that they will go shopping by themselves, YAAYYYY. But then again she makes it seem like she hates shopping with me. But she always wants dressing tips from her older faggot brother. Is this how people dress in high school? Does this look right? Can you pick me out an outfit? (She doesn’t realize the advantages in having a gay older brother with fashion sense. Quick story. Once we were in a store and she was trying to pick out an after Easter outfit I picked out like five outfits and she dissed them all. The girl who worked at the store, turned out to be my cousins best friend. And when I saw her at my cousins prom send off, she was like. I remember you, you’re that boy who picked out them outfits. I never saw someone put stuff together like that. I went and picked up all the things you put together. Then she turned to my sister and said I wish I had a brother like that.) Every year she wants my advice on how to dress and look, but, afterwards she wants to treat me like a dog. Dogs are treated the way they’re because, the expect nothing better. You better learn who I am and fast girl. She doesn’t know what she has, and for that matter I don’t know what she has that I am taking for granted. But right now I see nothing at all, she is a loud obnoxious little girl who acts like a loud, ghetto hoodrat boy. Hopefully we will learn to get along, and be friends when we’re grown.


But if we aren’t, I am not crying no tears over her. She will always be blood, but that doesn’t mean she has to be a friend.


Dispel yourself from my presence-Marz

-Marz

BRING IT ON SISTAH

Today, my mother, sister, G-mom Rose, and I went out for lunch. At lunch today, first it was rocky, because my sister said something smart, and I told her about herself and then my mom yelled at us both outside. It got better as the lunch went on, these three men walked in they had on these shirts that had STAFF written on them. I began to think about how men with jobs are so much better than the unemployed. ( by my opinion). We continued to eat, and the man who hit on my G-mom last time we were at this restaurant, was there( I think he goes there everyday.) He was with this other woman, my sister was like G-mom your man is cheating on you with that lady. Then my G-mom was like we were never together, because, if we were he wouldn’t be with her. But I guess he needs to be reminded of what I got. She began to grab at her shirt, and be promiscuous, she would have tried to get that mans number if she had her walker near her. We talked and had a good time. We dropped her off at home, and then since we were in the car mom took us to South Philly to pick up dad from the bus depot. Then my sister began to say all this stupid stuff.
She says that she is the skinniest person in the house. WHAT NO YOU AREN’T HEIFER.( That is what I said), Then she was like, I’m not, who am I not skinnier than? ME. Then she began trying to say that she is skinnier, than I said you make no sense, first off I am a boy we weigh more naturally, plus I am taller than you. Just because you weigh less doesn’t mean you’re skinnier ( walking around looking like you six months) I CAN’T STAND HER. Always trying to put someone down to make herself seem better, NO HEIFER YOU’RE LOW SELF ESTEEM IS SHOWING, JUST LIKE YOUR JIGGLING BELLY. ( wearing that belly shirt today make no sense)
Today must have been no shirt day, niggas just walking around showing all the got. I want some. DAMN MY WANTING TO SHARE MY VIRGINITY WITH SOMEONE SPECIAL AND NOT JUST GIVING IT AWAY TO ANY JAWN ON THE STREET. I was looking at all these banging men just walking around Southwest with no shirts, ball shorts on under their asses, which were covered by some boxers. ( I loved it) But then I began to think wait a minute. REWIND. It is three o’clock in the afternoon, and these men have to be at LEAST 20 why aren’t they at work. OH no I am not even sixteen and I have a career, several JOBS, and extra curricular activities. I began to think about long term relationships. ( not to much, because truly I don’t really want a short term one now) But how my man is going to be a corporate man, he is going to wear nice Brooks Brothers suits, with Kenneth Cole shoes, with a brief case. He is going to have a big office, with a mahogany desk,( which we have some noon time quickies on), he will be a professional like me. Because, I sure as hell am not going to be pulling ten thousand a week. With some broke man sitting at my house all day playing Playstation 2, and he is just there to entertain me during night time hours. OH HELL NO.
We get to the bus depot, and OMG the bus drivers there were so banging. I was like you could drive my bus anyday. Then this dark sexy ass man came walking out, and said to my mom heyy he’s about to come out( my dad) then my mom was like thank you. I was like mom so he’s the one your adultering with. I was so tempted to say girl you got some good taste. ( HE was so banging he had to be thirty, I was taken to one of my scenarios( Lord knows I have so many) Where I get on a bus at like twilight hours in the morning, and there is no one else on the bus and he pulls it over to the side so we get nasty)(I am too much. lol)She was like child, that man said one thing, I want fifteen children, I ain’t bothering no one but my husband. And if he don’t work out, I got Jesus( they will be married til death parts them. Knowing my mom she will make sure that he dies the same time she does so he won’t be with another woman. I think I should adopt that attitude, now and when I get my professional) Then she tells me that my dad might be driving the bus that I can take to school. I hope that if he does get my bus that he gets it at night, because I will not be getting on the bus with him. And have him want to hold a conversation with me. That would be so horrible in the winter, because the bus takes me directly to school, and it’s heated. The other choice is the train which is faster but then you have to walk 5 blocks( that is nothing to me but in ten degrees weather it’s not cute. Although I do take the train more often, the bus is when I’m feeling lazy or it’s really cold) I hope that he doesn’t get my bus, because, I would hate to have to die in the cold to avoid him.
We get home, and my dad heads off to bed. I began reading Nikki Giovanni’s more current book ( it is so good) and helping my mom to cook. Okay the stupid cat which I hate, because it isn’t the one I wanted ( yes I know that is petty and selfish but who cares). Is getting really fat, just last week he was extra skinny, and now he’s gotten bigger over two days ( it’s creepy how fast he grew). He had a cold, so that is why he seemed so lonely and depressed, but now that we have been giving him medicine he has let his true nature show. He is wild and crazy, he chews electrical cords, it’s tail, and any other thing it kind find. I think the kitten is stupid, but everytime I say this. My sister gets all hype like I told her I hate you or something. So I was talking to my mom saying that it got extra big, really fast and how not normal that is. Also, his heart beats faster than normal cats, so I said that it may have a heart attack. ( then I said if (and when) it does can we go get the one that I wanted( I’m not an animal hater but, I really don’t like this cat, and the only way to get a new one is if this one dies.) ) Then my sister says it’s not going to die and if it does I hope it does in your arms. ( she is the worst at comebacks and name callings I try to leave her alone because I make her cry with simple stuff). She thought that I would get angry or I don’t know what reaction she wanted, but I said WELL IF IT DOES THEN CAN WE GET A NEW CAT. Staring directly in her face. She makes me so angry trying to start stuff. I WASN’T EVEN TALKING TO YOU. GO DO SOME CRUNCHES SO YOUR BELLY WILL COME IN, SO THEN YOU CAN REALLY BE THE SKINNY ONE IN THE FAMILY. Later on I am helping my mom cook dinner( really I’m cooking but she is orating directions for this new recipe). My sister walks in the room, and say to my mom I am taking this water ice of yours, because, it has been up there for like weeks. When she is in the other room, I say to my mom. What kind of math is she doing you got those last Friday, then my sister( always got to act fake on the phone and make herself seem like something she is not) Why do you always have to say something, I’m tired of you stupid dumb.......hey get off that phone girl how many times I hsve to tell you about saying something to someone else while you’re on the phone. Don’t be doing that in Jennifers’ ear my mom says.
Then I have to correct her that I wasn’t even talking to her, and how am I stupid when you don’t even know enough math to realize that 4 days is not weeks. The time has come like it does every summer where she test my patience one to many times. And then I have to CHEW HER OUT. It is not cute, me dropping to that petty person who lives deep inside. Picking away at her insecurities, making her cry everyday. But if she wants to bring me there. LET’S GO. Maybe this year she has learned something deeper than ugly, fat, dumb, and stupid. Which are elementary teases. Girl I have stuff that bring grown people to tears DON’T START SOMETHING YOU CAN’T FINISH. ( she never does, every summer it ends with this big arguing match and she starts crying and she’s on the ground yelling your stupid, trying to make me feel like oooooooohh that hurt. Then my mom has a talk with us about equal respect.) I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOU LITTLE GIRL. I AM NEARLY GROWN (I still do have a ways to go) BUT YOU ARE STILL IN A CHILD’S MINDSET. STILL HAVEN’T PICKED UP, YOU’RE A TEEN NOW. ACT LIKE ONE.
I fell asleep on the couch while reading Ms. Giovanni, then watched" so you think you can dance?".
Big Poppa is extra sexy,( and a few others, especially the dance teacher with the curly hair).
I must go Nikki is waiting for me, to caress her spine, and take her in to me.( The book that is )lol

P.S. Yes my teenage "whore moans" are raging so bad. ( WHEN WILL THIS PUBERTY END LOL) I hope so bad that there is a naked man in my bed when I go upstairs. And I know I said last week I didn't like that boy coming at his sister but she didn't comt him. My sister has been starting stuff since she was born.( There's no excuse for my behavior I should act more mature. Leaving her to be petty by herself, and that's what i'll do)

Lick me baby, WHERE? My body is a big lollipop, pick whichever flavor you like best.-Marz

-Marz

Reminiscing

Reminiscing doesn’t take much, just some space, time, and maybe a scrapbook or two. Yesterday, while cleaning my room, I found my scrapbook. I decided to put some of my more recent pictures taken this year inside. I then begin to look at me after growing all the years.

1.First picture is me 1 year old, smiling with red overalls on, with my nappy fro. I couldn’t have known what would wait for me in the years to come.

2.I’m three years old, running down the hallway. With this huge smile on my face. This is my favorite picture whenever I show it to people they say what happened. ( it is so cute) I was so young so innocent, three was the year I began to be physically abused. But my innocent young self, took it as a result of me being bad ( Spare the rod spoil the child they said) Thank God I’m not spoiled, but to what expense.

3. We jump to me at seven, This ugly cowboy shirt on, with these black pants. My head is really big compared to the rest of my body, and my feet look extra long.( They were) my boots are dirty, and wet looking ( they were way beyond dicked). This boy has a smile on his face, but, you can tell this smile is fake. It was plastered on when the photographer said smile. It is a reflection of me at seven, pretending to be happy, because noone liked the smart kid( with the fruity touch that I couldn’t pass off because only I could catch it). Oh no if someone saw the me that was hurt, because, of the pain I was put at by ( seven year olders) they wouldn’t like me. But they didn’t like me to begin with . Well maybe like my smile, and happiness. I can act fake to join their group and be accepted.

People who are different will never be accepted by the normal.-Marz

4. Me at eight, with my big Urkle glasses on. ( I hated them so much). Another fake smile upon my face, a whole bunch of teeth missing.. Boy did my parents hate this picture, my outfit is kind of cute. This boy still trying to fit in.

5. Me at nine, a swish swish suit on, with wire frames now. ( I thought those would make me happier, but they just made my lenses more obvious.) This is my first year of public school, I wasn’t ready for the safe haven of Christian school to vanish. ( But I am so happy that I went to public school, it taught me more than private school would.)

6. Eleven me sitting on a chair smiling, trying to look cool. ( ha cool, what is it? who wants it?) I don’t have my glasses on, because of what I have heard people say. My self-esteem is so low, that I did anything to try and fit in. But a high I.Q., growing hips, and attraction to males doesn’t allow this. This was the year, I contemplated suicide in it’s entirety. The only thing that kept me alive was my fear of going to hell. As I wrote my suicide note, I thought of how I would die and wake up in hell. ( But according to people my type are going there anyways, there’s no winning) I began to love me for me, but I didn’t ;love me for me. It was a front that I put out that I was great, wonderful, and everyone wanted to be like me but they couldn’t. I became conceited.

7. I am twelve I look at myself at Easter that year with my fresh braids. ( everyone was mad that my hngtime was longer than theirs on my first set of corn rows. ) Conceitedness is just a front, to cover up that person who isn’t conceited, a person who hates themselves with all their might. And the only reason why they don’t kill themselves is the fact that they will, wake up in hell. Now that I look at the fat kid( who looked a mess), I think what did I have to be conceited about. I had nothing going on. Lies surrounded me at every turn. Lies placed in an intricate way to keep people from seeing the ugly boy I knew I was and despised. Lies used to make people believe that I was not what I was, I wanted to be them not me. Big problem that would have to change, but change cannot be administered unless you see your own flaw. What I realize now is that, if you are something people will say you’re something. And although I lied and put my name out there and had this huge facade of perfection. When I heard my name come out of other’s mouths the would say. Yeah, he’s a faggot( fagghot in the hood means gay( for those not in the hood)). Naw, I heard that he isn’t he’s just very effeminate. But one thing for sure he sure is smart. ( For all you smart kids, in school you know that being smart is equivalent to being the poor kid.) ( I was sort of the poor kid too though lol)( not the really poor kid but the poor kid none the less)) This was also the year that I contemplated murder again, not mine, but my father’s, he had to go. But a twist of events taught me so much (later post). Forgiveness is not for other’s it is mostly for ourselves.

8. I am thirteen graduation picture nice suit looking flyy, but I was fat. My double chin was just right there, and it’s not cute. This child was so confused about his sexuality. He lived everyday like a Sunday now lol. He didn’t know who he was, but he had an idea of who he wanted to be. He wanted to be the facade that he put up during middle school. During high school, ( I was just accepted to the third best in the city) he wanted to be the role he created in his play called life. Not so. Through a summer of self discovery, exercise ,( a slight porn addiction lol), and asking questions that took a look at himself. He arrived at high school ready to exude himself, but the facade was easier to put up. So he went with that, until he was smacked by life, into seeing who he was. Not a pretty sight. Self change had to happen and it did.

9. Final pictures of me now. Just a couple of months ago. I know who I am( somewhat), have high self esteem and all the other selves in tact and takes time to put the bad habits in check.

And as I look over the pictures of my childhood I have two thoughts.

First, the boys in my childhood have nothing on me now. NOTHING AT ALL. My pics are fierce(at least I think so) I look at the little boys, even the ones from three years ago, and I look nothing alike them. I have a different outlook on life, myself, who I can be, and what I can achieve. That the boy with the low esteem, and love for himself could never muster to say. I am not at that point where I can call myself handsome ( or any name like that) but I mean I have brought my thinking of me appearance to at least a 6. I have to work myself up to thinking I’m a dime. ( But I feel bad for dimes in reality, if they slip up one day they are no longer a dime. It’s in the rule book.) ( oh no she didn’t have a bad hair day, and wearing a hat to cover it too. Oh no Miranda you’re officially a nine.lol)

Second, I wonder when I put pictures in my scrapbook from when I’m like 17. What will I say when I look at this fifteen year boy. Who has such self knowledge, how much will I know then.

The only way to find out is to keep living.

Okay while watching television tonight, there was this commercial for Orbitz. That showed this gay designer and this young gay couple. They are trying to find somewhere to stay while in San Fran. It is like a game show trying to see who can find this place first. Then the one of the men in the couple finds the place. Then they are like use Orbitz.com to help you find a gay friendly place to stay. I was so at a loss for words. I don’t know, like what was that commercial, will there be a whole new line of commercials just targeted towards gay people, I don’t know. Then I began thinking about commercials, like stupid commercials, the one where the woman falls off the roof and then she does her cat’s litter is extra stupid. The man on the Garnier Fructis commercial is hot, I must have him.(He is on the list) And my major question about the commercial world what happened to the Joe Boxer man. You know the man who did his little jumpy dance. I loved him. ( my mom always said OH I love that man there, I love his smile, then my dad would always say yeah I bet you do like his smile ( he was all jealous) I LIKED HIS SMILE TOO Wink Wink) lol. I think that there should be an awards show for commercials, with all the stuff they have shows for now, I mean really how many commercials do we see in one broadcasted show. I think that Target makes the best commercials.

That is all for today, tomorrow I am going out with G-mom rose again. What fun we will have.

You catch more flies with honey, than you do with vinegar.

Who wants to catch flies -Marz


-Marz

YALL ARE HYPE

I awake to my inner alarm clock, set the night before by God. I get off of my bed," Wassup Jesus, good morning?’. I say aloud,( no answer). I check the time 7:58 let me go running for an hour, I am ready to go by 8:30 I come downstairs, "are you still going to the hospital with me, your grandmother appointment is today" my mother ask reluctantly. "I guess so I have nothing better to do, and I will be there for her in her time of need" I respond. I leave the room where she sits by the computer to go into the kitchen. I see a bug let me hit it, I bang it with the swatter, " what is that noise? What are you doing in there?", comes from the other room. " Nothing mother" I reply. We begin to argue about, me telling her what I am doing, and since she is my mother, I have to answer her. Our argument ends with" I shouldn’t have to deal with two ignoramuses, today".

I am through with trying to be all literarily correct( yall authors got that, well I could write a story but I’m not feeling it right now.)
I was so mad, ( my mother was trying to pump herself up to deal with whatever G-mom would throw at her, by arguing with me early in the morning she was too hype) I wanted to say oh, I know G-mom is the one ignoramus, I guess you’re the other. ( but I do need to enjoy the little freedom I have left during this summer.) She went upstairs and tells me to be ready by 9( when the appointment starts at 10. I say this doesn’t make sense, then she asked well do you want to go( I think she was trying to deter me from coming.) I rode my bike for like 15 minutes, then I ate breakfast and got ready. We get in the car and she turns up her radio show really loud, because she love s" Focus on the family". ( it’s this show about how to deal with different types of people and run your family more productive, the minister who runs the show or started the show is the man who made the big stink about Spongebob being gay and how he teaches kids to accept homosexuality. I LOVE SPONGEBOB, so I don’t like him, also I didn’t need a repeat of yesterday until this week’s service.) So I turn on my Mp3 player and started listening, we stop to get some stuff for the car, I pour in the liquid. We drive to the hospital in silence but she is all into focus on the Family. WE get there get a ticket and park in the parking garage. We get out of the car and she is like, I am glad that I heard that. She informed me of how this show was showing , how the children of alcoholics are, and behave, and why they do act the way they do. Then she is all hype about how she is going to get some books to understand my G-mom better. ( G-mom Thelma’s mother died when she was like 7, and she was raised by her alcoholic grandmother.) I then say, well why don’t you ask your husband, ( G-pop on my dad’s side was addicted to everything but he was a really bad alcoholic.) Then I say really Gabrielle and I are children of alcoholics( my dad was until he met my mom and she made him find Jesus, this was like three years before I was born but still he was an alcoholic) She starts yelling about why do I always try to make my life seem like it’s worse than what it was. WAS DADDY NOT AN ALCOHOLIC?. Yeah he was. OKAY THEN.
We get on the elevator, we arrive on the breast cancer floor, we are standing in the receptionist line, my mother tells me to go see if G-mom is there. I go to the waiting room, but she isn’t there. ( while inline my mom was so hype( I know I am using that word a lot today lol) she says oohh look there’s a boutique we should go there. I am like mom it’s in a hospital it’s not a real boutique it’s not going to have Dolce& Gabbana, or Louis Vuitton she is like who are they. My family are soooo UHHHHHHH I can’t wait to leave.) She asks the receptionist if my G-mom is there she checks and says no. Then she gives us her home number and we call home no answer. My mom is like well, she could be en route here. Then the lady( who was really helpful by the way) was like her appointment was at 10:20.( Okay the ticket we got in the parking garage had the time 10:18 on it and my mother walks so slow that it had to be like 10:30 when we got up there) My mother then decides that she is late, and we will wait for her. My mother is very impatient, I on the other hand have learned it over the years, I was also equipped with about five books. The lady behind the desk says it’s around 11:15 you mine as well go home because is she didn’t show up by now then she isn’t coming. Mom leaves a note just in case she does come then we go to get on the elevator. While on the elevator she was hype about her not coming, how can she not care for her own life BLAH BLAH BLAH. I say listen up, it is her life, she is grown, and last time I checked she is older than you, which makes her your elder. You can’t control her, this is her life, and if she wants it to end this way then oh well let’s go to our next place. We walked back to the car, and s he was putting up a front of how she doesn’t care.( I have used every front known I can see right through them) She is walking around the garage trying to find the car, I have to say this way( She has the worst sense of direction ever). We get in the car and we get outside the garage, and proceed onto the Center City library to turn in my paperwork. While, in the car she asks. If your G-mom died would you care? I say, What do you mean would I care. Of course I would care. But I mean it’s her life if she dies then she dies I’m not going to waste my time trying to get her to be or do something to better herself. If she wants to keep cancer and die then we mine as well go out and get a funeral outfit now. Then I say I tell you to eat right and exercise, but you don’t listen and I can’t make you. So when you have something happens to your heart, (God forbid) I’m not going to be all stressed out. You don’t care about your life then oh well. Like I said I will sit there all day and poke you with a stick I have my own life to live. Then she says thank you because she had to realize that she can’t control people ( then why do you keep trying to).
Her thing is, at one time both her and my G-mom had so much hatred for each other. Mommy wanted her to die, and G-mom felt someway about her taking her son and being light skinned and would the children be light skinned and a whole bunch of other mess.( She is one of those racist who is racist against black people, she talks about her own race like she isn’t a part of it.) (Black people are so stupid, last time I checked your skin is darker than mine, YOU FOOL) But my mom forgave her, and moved on, but every time she tries to be there for G-mom or show forth love. G-mom does something simple like this and she gets mad and takes it as a personal attack. I SAY SCREW IT. She ain’t hurting me by not showing up.
I turned in my paperwork, now I have to just fill out some more paperwork this Saturday, and I have my job again YAYYYYY. ( there is nothing nothing nothing in this world like making your own money, and spending your own money,) I got some new PSAT books from the library and some Ap books. ( for the classes I am taking this year) They w ill not be returned until next year some time. Because, I work at the library I can keep books as long as I want and the limit of books doesn’t exist for me.Also, since I learned the job of an LA I know the computer system and can erase my fines without paying. I love my job.
On the way back home mommy was saying you know I am glad about this and that. Still talking about g-mom when you said that you let it go when we were in the parking lot two hours ago. ( WOMAN GET RID OF YOUR BAGGAGE< CAUSE YOU ARE TOO OLD( She isn’t that old but she acts like she is 90) AND WEAK ( in like lifting weights) TOO BE CARRYING ALL THIS EMOTIONAL STRESS. I said to her eventually you do care if you keep talking about it. Then she had a smackface on, because she knows I*’m right. I need to pray is her reply. YOU DO THAT THEN
My issues right now are this. Erica and me are planning on going shopping, lunch, and the movies before she goes off to college. I told my parents that I wanted to go out with her. They swear that I am going on a date and they’re all hype wanting to know things about her. First of all my mom met her at the Thanksgiving Parade. Secondly. The stuff they want to know is going to be crazy. ( For example, when I was invited to this other girl’s birthday party. They asked me questions about her like not what’s he name? OH NO THAT IS NOT IMPORTANT. What is her religion, What are her beliefs on Christ. Does she smoke, Does she drink. Does she want to get pregnant, Does she want to get pregnant by me. Who asks these questions to people that they don’t know all like that. ( although I knew the answers to them, and eww no she likes D who she flirted with all year to see his supposed big dick( I wanted to see it too if it was as big as he bragged, besides hearing yeah it is long and thick and BLAH BLAH BLAH all year long for an hour in your ear will make you want to do some crazy things) and then he fingered her in the library) ) It is times like this that I just wish they knew I was gay, because, they are so HYPE, trying to see if I am having sex with girls. NO we are just going shopping. I am STRICTLY DICKLY. I have no interest in girls(sexually), and most of the time when me and E are out we talk about boys, and whatever else. But they don’t understand that girls with me are just girl friends not girlfriends. THEY ARE SO HYPE. ( especially my sisters’ menstruating ass had to say, oh so he can go on dates now. And pipe things up so high. Can’t stand her and her jealousy of her younger age and mood swings.) But I think that I should come out for a better reason then so they won’t question me about the girls. I shop with and stuff. I mean shopping and lunch, and movies. I don’t even think that straight boys would shop with a girl for a date especially for more than ten minutes ( A stupid one would , I know for a fact we going to be in the stores for hours but I love it so much. Critiquing outfits and acting crazy I love it so) I mean I think they think that I am some whoremonger who wants girls so bad. ( At least my dad does) I CAN"T STAND THIS HOUSE, IT IS JUST A DAY ON THE TOWN MY GOD. I DON"T BELIEVE THEY HAVE SEX BOOTHS IN THE GAP.( And if they did I wouldn’t want E I would want one of the cute men there) ( Why do they always pick such beautiful people to work at the gap, and all the men are usually gay. I swear that almost all the stores in Center City are like a gay club without drinks and stuff. Especially Express I will talk of Express in a later post) But, I know mom is going to freak when she finds out E is 18. She’s going to be like why are you hanging out with grown women. LOL. Until then I will sit here and drink my Honey Vanilla Chamomile Tea ( it is so good). I swear that I should find a man , get him upstairs in my room, and purposely let them find us half naked sleep with my head in his lap. LOL Or rather us in the 69 position with jeans on. (Hmmm) naw I don’t have time for games I will be straightforward when the time comes. But it’s not now and not for this silly reason. I will just answer the damn questions. I CANNOT WAIT, 2 YEARS 12 DAYS UNTIL COLLEGE.



Don’t treat me like a prostitute, unless you’re giving me some money making sure I look cute.- Missy Elliot

-Marz

CHURCH PAINS

Sunday is today and that means church. If you haven’t noticed by now my family is very religious, my whole family(not kidding) is a minister. My mother, father, grandmother, aunts, and uncles. There are some exceptions, but they’re looked at as sinners who’re going to hell. Anyways. I am supposedly going to become a minister, I really don’t want this career choice. Ministers are always looked at with such grandeur like they’re perfect, but when they fall everyone wants to gossip about them. I don’t have time, because, I know that I am going to fall. Also, just because my family are ministers doesn’t mean I have to be one. I know I will be confronted about becoming a minister later on in life. I am going to tell them off.
Dad starts a crazy schedule when school starts from like 3 in the morning to like 2 in the afternoon or something like that. He is complaining about it, you’re the one who wanted this job and now that you have it you want to complain. MAKE UP YOUR MIND WHAT YOU WANT. Also, when he was talking to my mom, he says nonchalantly of how he was able to brag to G-mom Thelma. That the mortgage is paid up for seven months and that all the bills are paid in advance. Then, why did you call me in the room last week and try to tell me that we are going bankrupt and you can’t pay my insurance.( I don’t want him to pay my insurance I am going to pay my own bill.) But, he always does that, always makes me feel like I can’t have what I want because, then we’ll be on the street. Always using this sort of guilt trip to keep me from wanting or having things. I WILL NOT BE IN BONDAGE LIKE HE IS(NOR HIS WIFE). He says to my mom, you know the kids won’t be able to act all loud when I’m home. He basically wants us to be quiet all day long for the possiblitlity of when he comes home, that is not going to happen.
My sister is starting to get on my last nerves she has PMS ( literally, I am not making this up to excuse her behavior) and she acts crazy on purpose towards me. Because then she can say, my period is on. Since my dad is like regular men he won’t say anything to her, but he will yell at me.( Most of the times mom isn’t around to tell her off, for acting crazy) However, I know that she is using this as an advantage to do whatever she wants, without repercussions, and as an excuse for acting crazy towards me. I hope she has the worst cramps ever, and I am going to hide the ibuprofen.( DUMB LITTLE GIRL, WE"LL SEE WHO GETS THE LAST LAUGH). Also, last week she basically stopped talking to all her friends, because, one of them said she dated some boy as a joke and the rest of her friends believed she liked this boy. But, now she is calling people gossiping about some girl being left down. ( I can’t stand people that act like a victim when something happens to them, but turn right around and do the same thing that they didn’t like done.) She is foolish one day she will learn, or maybe she won’t. She ain’t my daughter.
Today in church, I reached the place I always do. The I AM GOING TO HELL PLACE.. I usually come to this decision, because I am gay. And I was raised in strict Christian rules, and teachings, and although I have different beliefs. It’s hard to leave something down rooted in you. Today in church, pastor says during his message. When I first started the church it was this man who sat in the back of the church. After the service he walked up to me, and looked me up and down. Now women if a woman comes up to you and looks you up and down. RUN. The man says to the pastor , I will play the piano for your church for free. Then the pastor asked the man if he was a practicing homosexual( I will get to this term later). The man says I don’t know what you mean. Then he says What do you mean you don’t know what I mean. Then he says to the congregation either you are or you’re not. Everyone laughs, I didn’t know how to react,( I usually don’t) I smile most of the times when being gay bashed, but sometimes I think I do it too hard. I just started focusing on the soundboard. Then he says that the man says yes, then he told him, no you can’t play a piano in my church, and not to come back unless he is going to get delivered. This brought on my whole teaching of how I have an evil spirit( the spirit of homosexuality), and although I know this isn’t true( well maybe it isn’t). It is hard to just disown what I was raised with, like a child leaving all the racism they were taught. ( it must have been hard, that’s why racism still exist.)Then I hit that place again, HEIFER YOU ARE GOING TO HELL, YOU BETTER GET YOUR SOUL RIGHT WITH JESUS. ( I ear myself saying to me in my head) WHATEVER TRICK ( I respond)
A practicing homosexual, this term came in to affect, when this minister ( I can’t remember her name it was like Beth) was defrocked as a minister of a Presbyterian church in Philly, because she came out. There was this big, court trial over discrimination because of her orientation. They had a law in affect that said something like you can be a minister if you’re a homosexual but not a practicing homosexual. WHAT IS PRACTICING HOMOSEXUALITY? Well according to what I heard from other folk, it is basically being out the closet or having sex with someone of the same sex. One of the ladies I worked with that they can be a homosexual just not out the closet.
So the fact that he said practicing means something right, does that mean if you don’t practice it you don’t go to hell. Or if you are a homosexual just look by this and live a heterosexual lifestyle. WHY DO CHURCH FOLK MAKE JESUS LOVE SO CONFUSING? OF WHO GETS IT AND DESERVES IT. I mean I know for a fact that I have read myself that a liar and a blasphemer won’t tary in his sight, there was no homo mentioned. Sometimes I wish the bible just said
and Jesus said to the faggot, "You are going to visit Lucifer forever". And then Jesus addressed the crowd, and said" All homosexuals are evil, may this one be an example of God’s hatred for them".
At least that is what church makes me feel like the bible says. If there were homosexuals back then, then why didn’t Jesus acknowledge them, say something. AM I SUPPOSED TO THROW MY FEELINGS OUT THE WINDOW, AND MARRY A WOMAN AND BE UNHAPPY( well in some senses don’t get me wrong I don’t hate women, I have so much love and respect for their gender). But like G-mom Pastor says ain’t no sin worth an eternity in hell, so should I be unhappy, or by myself. Until it is time to die, then have an eternity happy in heaven. My parents have screwed me over, making me want to disown a part of me that I love.
Other questions that I thought of while in church. Back in the day( racism time). Did the white pastors teach that the niggers were evil. I wonder did they teach that interracial marriage was of the devil. What about not beating your wife. ( I recently went to a play, and it had a handbook from the 1500's of how to treat your wife. By beating her to show her you love her, and if she doesn’t do anything you tell her to.)( Oh yeah it was popular distributed in the churches.) What about letting women work. Did they preach against these things, saying it’s in the bible. Several ministers have said my G-mom Pastor ( different g-mom that will need two post to describe her) is not a real minister because she is a woman. They have shown her (supposed) scripture, are they right?

After church, my parents had to take an hour and talk to the pastor and his wife about nonsense(literally church ended at 2:00 ). I was so mad at the fact of me going to hell, and just tired of the ghetto, Philly, Pennsylvania, the whole Tri -State area, The US of A. I was so ready to go I wanted to leave so bad today. I am in no rush to grow up, but I will look forward to being my own person. I was truly pissed, then my parents wanted to get on my balls and kick them really hard( my nerves are gone). We went to the supermarket and I was so mad, my mom went off after she bought her stuff and told me to sit by the door. I AM GOING TO HELL. I AM SICK OF AMERICA. I CAN"T WAIT UNTIL I LEAVE. Swirled in my head. ( it was funny now that I think of it, I was looking at women trying to be like yeah she’s hot, I want that. Breast just don’t do what pecs do, where’s the bulge in the pants girl. Is it my fault I am attracted to men. GET THIS DEMON OUT OF ME, WHERE IS AN EXORCIST WHEN YOU NEED ONE? lol ) I was so angry, and then this old lady walked by me on her way out the store with her husband, and said don’t look so sad baby. I gave her the dimples hard. I said thank you god for her. ( I love women, but in a different way, especially little old black women, because you know they have been through hell.) I was still mad in the car, and every song that I hated made sure to come on, I was so through. Then CeCe Winan’s new song came on. ( I love you CeCe glad you are doing better after your heart attack) I have been trying hear it for forever, and they play it only once every three weeks, it touched me, the words almost made me break down in the car. I went inside and turned on some classic CeCe, played a game and relaxed. I am through thinking about my orientation and if this will result in a place in eternal damnation. At least until next week, I know Jesus loves me unconditionally. But doesn’t he still love the folk in hell, who will; never be released.
I am so through.
I don’t try, I accomplish -Marz

-Marz

Yesterday, as I lay asleep in bed my sister came to my door and said something and then threw the phone in my bed. I swore she was crazy so I went back to bed, later on she came back. She asked did I get the phone MS. Hansen was on the phone asking about my rehire application and if I wanted to work in the fall that I would have to turn it in soon. WHAT! THAT MAKES NO SENSE was my reply. It probably doesn’t make sense to you, so let me explain.
Last year around May, I was finishing my freshman year and I thought about stuff that I wanted to do for my sophomore year. I wanted a job, however, in Philly not may places would hire a fourteen-year-old. I begin to think of where I could work and that place was the library, so not only would I be able to work there, and get paid, I would be able to get homework done. My fake big sister worked at the library for her whole high school career. She advised me to go to the head librarian at the library I wanted to work at and ask about a job. First I had to decide which library I wanted to work at. I could work at the one near my school, but my school is an hour from home and I didn’t want to be getting home past my bedtime (which is 9:00 p.m. a later blog topic). Then there were the two in my immediate neighborhood, however, the people there are extremely loud and ghetto, and the children are bad. It is just a mess, so I decided to go to one that is a little farther from my house but still just a twenty minute bus ride from home. I asked the head librarian about a job she said that they already had their three Teen Leadership Assistants ( TLA) position filled, but, I could leave my resume and if anything opened up she would call. I finished my resume. ( That was a crazy adventure) and gave it to her in about July. I went about my summer and school started and I wasn’t worried whether she called or not. If she didn’t, I was going to join the track team. One day I get home and my mom is like Ms. Hansen called and she wants you to call her back. I call her and she asks am I still interested in the job. YES. Can you come in for an interview? YES. I came in for an interview, then another, but, the second was to give me my paperwork to get filled out I had the job. YAYYY. This was weird, because, they usually give these jobs to kids who volunteered there from the age of 10 until they are old enough to work. I got my paperwork filled out and I started work the first day of November.
The hierarchy of the library. Children’s librarian ( head librarian Ms. Hansen), Adult librarian (NIKKI), LA2's, LA1's, ( these are the people behind the desk that help you find books, check you out and things like that ) ASL( my immediate boss), TLA’s ( so I was at the bottom of the barrel because of my age) This will come into play later.
I loved and still love my job, it is very relaxing after a loud busy day, my library is fun because of all the drama that goes on inside, and we through great parties in private. I get money, something to put on my college application, also, the training. I get paid to go to SAT prep, resume writing, and financial classes. There are so many other types of training that I should be paying to go to.
By January I had my feel of the place and I came in and knew what to do. I begin learning the responsibilities of the LA’s and begin doing them along with what I do( but I am there to assist the LA’s also) Around February one TLA left, leaving me and Shavon ( God I miss her I have to give her a ring). Then Shavon left to a better job at the airport, making smoothies. Her leaving was a little of a relief the boys always hit on her and since they always came at her with the same opening line. "CAN YOU HELP ME FIND A BOOK?" She would say I don’t know how to find books but he does then walk off and help some kids. I was left to answer questions about her love life and whatever. In addition the three boys that liked her and swore I was her boyfriend so they tried to start a fight with me every day. ( I guess they thought that if they beat up Shavons’ friend that she’ll no longer like me and like them. (Some straight boys are such a mystery, and I’m not a detective trying to figure them out.) The main one trying to get with her always starting stuff with me got on my last nerves. I was tempted so say, We just friends, but right now she is taking a break from the relationship thing, but I’m free, wassup. ( Then I would really have to fight LOL) When Shavon left the library I was left to do the work of three people by myself, and the other work that I did to help the LA’s. Since, it was so late in the year the boss wasn’t going to hire any more TLA"S.
This year there was a lot of controversy around the library schedule. The mayor who is always saying that we don’t have enough money in the budget. Decides to shut down some libraries to shorter hours and move staff around to bigger libraries that will stay open longer. ( It’s funny how there isn’t any money in this budget, but you are spending around six million is it on remodeling the center city library.) ( Which is the best library in Philly, if you are ever in Philly you must visit, just the architecture is breathtaking) There were rallies and petitions signed and protest, but some libraries would have to close at 5 when they usually close at 8. My library was on this list. However, the man who is the representative for the libraries on city council, used to work at our library so he made sure it stayed open. ( At least until July.) Good because my last day( by contract) would be June 30, 2005 yall aren’t going to mess up my check over some foolishness. ( The reason why I can only work until then, is because, I am there to help the kids and the kids are obviously not coming to the library in the summer.) This controversy was too much for the head librarian Ms. Hansen to take. She put in her retirement, but she was only like five years from her retirement age. But she is a missionary and she is really rich. Then our ASL Jeana left, because, she was taking summer classes and couldn’t be there and work at the same time. My whole team was gone to help me with the kids, but, I managed to do it somehow. Plus, by now I knew the LA’s job back and forth so I was doing their job( I like the LA’s job better, if only I was old enough to do it). The year was ending out and I had to decide if I was coming back next year, of course I love my job. I was given the paper work to come back. ( by the way I love the staff, and the patrons of the library and almost everyone likes me)
Ms. Hansen left the library on June 23 I was up at Penn State for a technology program. I was mad that I didn’t get to say goodbye. When I came back to Philly, it was the last week of my employment until the fall. Nikki who was now first in charge until Ms. Hansen; s replacement came said some stuff to Quiara. ( A LA 1 whom I love so much we have so much fun together). Quiara tells me she has something to tell me later. I am like what happened I say am I being fired. Then she is like well, I took her into a corner and acted like I was putting away books. She tells me that Nikki told her that supposedly Ms. Hansen didn’t like the way I worked and thought I was a horrible worker, and was going to fire me but since she was retiring she saw it as it wasn’t her problem. Also, that Nikki was going to tell the new head librarian about how bad a worker I am. ( I was told that this new worker hates TLA’s, and thinks they are a waste of time) This made me angry, but I continued the day doing my job, after I was off I went to the back and got on the computer. She comes back there and tells me that I am not supposed to be on the computer when I’m not working, ( I didn’t know about this rule because no one ever told me this) Then she goes off telling me that I am a horrible worker and that Ms. Hansen wasn’t going to rehire me and basically that I should’ve been fired. And if she had been boss I would’ve been. And the only reason why I was kept was because, the whole staff likes me and I have a good attitude that other teenager’s lack.
What you must know about Nikki, she is a really fat, cripple, old lady. I can tell she has bitterness in her heart, and she shows it to others, no one on the staff likes her. She gets smart with the TLA’s because, she thinks because she is older and has a higher position that makes her someone. Also, because she is second in line she can sort of have us fired. If I told her about herself, I would make her cry. So I am glad she didn’t come at me this year.
Then she tells me that I am on probation and when I come back in the fall I better not slip up because someone is waiting to take my job. I t was late that day, so I just nodded and said what she wanted to hear. I felt as though I wasn’t a good worker. However, the next day when I told the staff what she said, they all said what is she talking about you are on of the best TLA’s we ever had. You are a great worker and we are glad to have you. I discussed my conversation with Nikki with my aunt and she told me that Nikki was just power tripping, because she was head librarian for a day or two. When the new head librarian came ( KIM) I was nice and gave her a warm greeting I didn’t really want her to interact with her because she was going to be told bad things about, I and she would have to form her own opinion someday. Also, because I was off shift and I only had two more contracted days left.
Alright so now it’s August and Ms. Hansen called. WHAT? If Ms. Hansen thought I was such a horrible worker why would she be calling me in the summertime when she is retired to make sure that I am coming back in the fall. This makes no sense, yesterday I went in to get certain forms filled out by Kim so I could turn in my paperwork. The whole staff was happy to see me asking when I was coming back because they were behind in work. There magazines not put in and tons of books not shelved it looked a mess. ( The whole staff is asking when am I coming back to work, but I am such a bad worker) And now that I am writing this blog I realize that I was doing the work of four people by myself, and doing things not in my job description. AND I AM ON PROBATION. Well sometime this week I will be going downtown to turn in my paperwork. I will be back, and I will smile in Nikki’s face, act pleasant, and do my job and then some. ( Just because she is, a bitter unpleasant trick doesn’t mean I have to be.) But I dare her to try and be my boss, tell me I’m not working, or come at me in a disrespectful way. I will have that lady crying so hard, all her fat will start to come out and people will think she is anorexic.
But, I forgot that there will be two new TLA’s so I will be the veteran and have to teach them everything.


What I did today was nothing, my parents left to go shopping. I turned on some Jill scott and I cleaned,disinfected, and freshened the house. it was kind of enlightening to me of how I will be once I get my own place. I felt so free ( cleaning relaxes me) also the fact that I could listen to Jill Scott in the open( i'm only allowed to listen to gospel). I called erica up and we are planning to go out to a movie two weeks fomr now before she head soff to Penn State. ( erica is my fake big sister, I became that because I thought she was too spoiled as an only child.) My father received the recent internet bill, and he is walking around wondering why the bill went up from the introductory rate to the regular rate. (it's called a deal dad) OKay, so i have this fear that he is going to request all of the websites visited and then he'll find my blog and he'll be mad about me being gay, the profanity, and just stuff I have said in general. Then I'll be put on punishment for two years. Hopefully, he won't ask for a list like that,( a friend told me he can't do that) ( but friends also tell you that before you call adult sex lines) (a later post)

P.S. My parents took T.J. to the vet. He got his shots, and he has a cold so now we have to give him medicine. The doctor said that he is too skinny, he is only seven weeks old how fat should he be. But he is finally doing his job and contributing to the household. He caught Mickey, now for the rest of his family.
Tomorrow is church which means I will feel like a sinner on my way to hell ina gasoline can.

My knowledge is never ending, because, I continue to learn everyday -Marz


-Marz

¿¿ Who AM I ??

I am me

I am a perfect soul
wrapped in sinful flesh
and a wicked mind

I am fifteen
two weeks
from the day I was born

I am a black young man
Which means my supposed
role model
is a man that can't pronounce the word
"Fifty"

I am a White young man
Although you wouldn't
believe
unless you saw my mother's light skin

I am a native american young man
OH REALLY WHAT TRIBE ARE YOU
cherokee
EVERYONE SAYS THAT YOU LIAR
but my ancestor linnie spikes
was a native amerivan midwife for the slaves
(Need some glue your face just broke)

I am mixed
between three races
but I don't experience
any of their cultures
but you wouldn't
believe

I am anything but black
because

I am dark skinned
Which is supposedly deemed ugly
by who
by you
by media
( Looks like the KKK have got a hold on
another generation)

I am tall
like skyscrapers
I outheight my father
makes me wonder
Where's my birth certificate
I need to
check some things

I am curvaceous
I have legs, thighs
hips, and ass
(there is a difference you better ask)

I am attracted to males
emotionally, physically,
sexually, mentally,
and any other ally's
you can think of

I am in the closet
I don't like it
however
it's comfortable
nice wardrobe, decorated gray and red
it's used
not to hide who I am
but
because I know the repercussions of
returning my closet to K-Mart
no returns for something bought
When I was ten
also the repercussions of being seen without
a thin layer of deceit on my face
will cause an uproar against me

I am not a fool (lol)

I am handsome
or so I am told
because someone says something does it make it true
I mean should I believe something you say because it's positive
I would much rather hear how

I am selfish
wanting what I want
not considerate of other's feelings

I am mean
I love to spite people
make you feel the pain you've caused me

I am a bad person
in general
not deserving of life

oh wait that was me
when this poem would have had
I am dishonest with myself

I am constantly changing my bad qualities
to good ones
although
some bad does exist.

I am the result
of my parent's love for each other
deciding to share that love with me
Does a time come when sharing can longer continue?
Or is it that the love you have for me is not
What I need?

I am a virgin
I have learned to treasure it
like a two dollar bill
no longer in a rush
to discard it for a dollar hoagie
some HERR"S red hot chips
a quarter cherry vanilla soda
a Comsic brownie and some gum
NO
I now wait
for the day
I can share and
become one

I am a freak
I have inherited
a love for penis
enough for mine
and another two
or one ( if it's big enough LOL)
from my foremothers
(and maybe a forefather or two lol)


I am addicted
to Winterfresh gum
it's given me
two cavities so far
but I love it's taste

I am book smart
according to recent
standarized test
I am in the 99 percentile
of the country
honor roll
has loved me and has stayed by my side since
kindergarten

I am street smart
not enough to be a drug dealer
(but they don't have common sense)
but enough to know
when someone is trying to jack me

I am a hoodrat child
although people mistake me
for a surburban child
They are fotrune tellers

I am rich
in morals, potential,
destiny, self love esteem and worth
money is next to come

I am the future
you look at me
and
you see it will be bright


I am hope
that someone will make it
and not forget
from where they come
( Then people will say i am a sellout oh well selling in ain't working now)

I am love
for myself
and others
although I may not like you
Everyone deserves a hello and a smile

I am happy
or so it seems by the
dimples caving into my cheeks
but I do have happiness in my heart
can you see it
good
now maybe you can attempt to feel it

I am God's child
he sure looks out
for me
couldn't ask for a better parent
but sometimes
when my life isn't what i forsee
I Do

I am a great cook
chickens,pigs, and cows run
to the slaughterfouse
in attempts to be cooked
by me

I am respectful
of myself first
then others come
I feel bad for those
who have the order's mixed up
(They may be the same who work at Burger King)

I am a working boy
went out and got my own job
to make my own money
so I wouldn't have to ask my parents
because

I am independent
always have been
ever since I sent mommy away
my first day of kindergarten
but I have realized I do need people
but not for all things

I am a male
although according to popular
beliefs
I am a girl for liking boys
I have an adam's apple, testoterone
and inches of penis
WANNA CHECK

I am not inferior
to you
because of your status
lack of pigment
lust for clitorii( is that the plural form lol)
or any other reasons

I am questioned
about the way I
walk,stand,eat,
chew,sit,talk,dress,
smile, and act different than you

the answer:

I am Marz
and when i rule
the little rock called
Earth
I will be signing off on your paycheck
and you best not forget that

I am so much
that I cannot begin
to write them all out
but I'll try again soon

P.S. Today i felt very poetic. and daddy threatened to punch me in the mouth for no reason, LORD HELP ME TO ENDURE THESE NEXT TWO YERAS.

-Marz

The bitter bitch returns. (But she never left)

G-mom had a doctors appointment today and was it a doozey I didn’t go but I got the dish from mother. SO I said that te lady my G-mom was helping was named ethel her name is Elanor. Anyway, on Monday G-mom made her sound so horrible because she didn’t come to her appointment when she was there for Elanor (supposedly) for the last two years. But elanor was there today, But the thing is G-mom is only using Elanor for her paratransit. After she goes to the hospital she makes it seem like Elanor has to go to the market when it’s really her who wants some food. She is just using this old woman for a free ride( literally). Mom said that when she got there they started talking and G-mom cursed out the assistant doctor ( the one who helped her fill out her medical history) on the phone. Why? Because she called and said that they wanted her to come down on Tuesday to get another mammogram and biopsy. (The woman has nothing to do on Tuesday, but can find a way to complain about going somewhere to save her life.) G-mom is in a study so they were going to pay for basically all of her medical bills and whatever but she would have to have more test done than regular breast cancer people. ( The study is to see what behavior results in breast cancer.) She cursed the assistant out and told her she isn't a guinea pig, and that noone loves her and that noone cares. And what’s the point because she is going to die anyway. ( yes you are but not now) ( By the way this woman talks you would think she is like 99 the woman is 59.) So then she got herself token off the study which means now she will have to pay for everything herself. Then for some reason she started saying that she should have aborted my father. Then was looking at my mom and saying I should have aborted your husband then I wouldn't have to go through cervical cancer. (Heifer you got cervical cancer from the anger you had then and from my whore of a grandfather( god rest his soul) who gave you venerial diseases.) She was trying to get my mom mad because my g-mom's game is to only have one person to pay attention to her at a time. She was trying to get my mother mad so that she would leave. How do you respond to that. But my mom didn't say anything, like oh wow if you had aborted him then she would have had someone. Mom had so many boys chasing after her to begin with and she never liked your little stalker boy. ( oh yeah my father had a crush on my mother since the seventh grade and followed her until high school and they finally went out for prom because all her seven of her dates had other things to do.)( She didn't need your son) SO the day goes on and later on in the cafeteria she offers to buy my mother some food. This is another trick of hers she buys little dollar things for people then calls someone else and says I bought this one this and now I have no money,( making it seem like she spent her whole check) so she can get pity then hold a conversation about how she hates them. So she tricked my mother by buying her an ice tea without permission but mom is going to get her back, by giving her a card with money in it. While they were eating, g-mom started talking of how Gina hates her so much. Then she says that she didn't argue with Gina and that she just started yelling at her. Then when mommy said that isn't true she tried to hush her up, because she didn't want to bring up the fact that she was talking behind elanor's back. (two faced hiefer, I see where your son gets it.) Before the two left to get on paratransit, G-mom went to the mac machine then got change then tried to give my mom some money for coming ( trying to pay her off for what I don't know) my mom was like oh no I am here because I care about you I love you. I would have loved to see the look on g-moms face she hates my mother with the passion of Christ. Mommy left out stuff that happened but I know more happened. ( DAMN I WISH MY MOTHER COULD TELL A STORY AND REMEMBER DETAILS)

What I did today, was go to my teen zone meeting. Teen zone is an online newspaper. I am a journalist for it, however, they didn't put up my first article. ( it was a Harry Potter review.) The head editor said it was to revealing I felt that too but fr5om other reviews I read mine was nowhere as revealing as there's oh well. I'll try again. During the meeting I started noticing the boys there they are so sexy well Matt is sexy, Dan is cute( And i wonder if his legs are naturally unhairy like that ) ( I wish my legs were). I look at Matt and my mind starts running of all the things we could do with some time and room( maybe a prop or two lol) I look at his lips and I want to taste them. ( Lord knows I'm probably a horrible kisser seeing as i've never kissed noone) I want to wash his beard, with my juices ( yes i'm a freak but who isn't) ( my theory is everyone has a little freak in them I have tons.) But Matt is straight, at least I think he is. Yes I am going against my cute boy rule but he has things happening in his mind, has a job isn't some nigga. ( lord knows i hate using that word) But that is what some other boys are or rather it's the only way to describe them. Afterwards, I went to Border's and I was looking for Trent Jackson's book. lol but to no success. I got James Earl Hardy's sixth book and went to find Nicole Bailey Williams second book. When i entered the aisle to get this book their were two men sitting on this little stool one with his head on the other's back. ( I love downtown because you can be free to do whatever and people aren't so judemental or they keep their judgements to themselves rather.) I got my two books and headed to the third floor to listen to music while I read. ( i was supposed to be on my way home , but I'm a rebel) I must have mary mary's new cd, I heard it and it was good. So then I left caught the trolley and came home.

That's today.

Perspectives come into view
When
Contrast are made
T.A.I

-Marz

Turn your head and cough

Today I went to get a physical for my job, and I figured mine as well get my permit paperwork filled out too. (OH gyea I work at the library)( I will expond more on my wonderful job later.) My mom hates our medical place, because, the people are unprofessional. ( What does she expect we are in the ghetto.) So we go in and she signs my name and she is having like a panic attack because they aren't moving fast enough. I had to say calm yourself down you impatient old woman. You know how this place is so don't front now. ( She been saying she is going to change us to Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, CHOP for a year and a half now. Please she still didn't call)( But CHOP is excellent not only were they voted best childrens hospital in America last year, the only channels you can wtach in their is NICK ,it's heaven) Then I threw Jill Scott's less in your face poetry in her face. The doctor sees us and it was extra quick. I was weighed and OMG i only lost four pounds. But my booty jeans, don't even fit the same way. i done went down a size. I don't understand. Maybe it's because I didn't take off my shoes, and I do wear a size thirteen so they are extra big I'll look them up to see how much they weigh then subtract them. We leave then we are outside and the car won't start this old lady starts talking to my mom and she babysitted me when I was like a year and a half. ( I hate when I meet people from this early in my life, they expect me to remember them.) She called me handsome, but I wasn't feeling handsome today maybe average looking today lol. I don't know why, but I attract a lot of older women. I NEED TEENAGE TO YOUNG TWENTIES MALES. lol So then my mom decides that she is going to catch the trolley home. I was so mad at her we were like 4 blocks from home. I said you make no sense whatsoever, and you're lazy, this type of laziness will get you a place in the hospital and when you're there I will sit there all day and poke you with a stick. She got on the trolley with her two quarter bags of popcorn. WHATEVER SHE GROWN. I walked and it was this hoodlum boy staring at me. (Oh yes I live in the hood.) He was staring like he was bout to do somthing don't play little boy. Thought because I had on some jeans that fit, and a polo that didn't come down to my knees that I must be a faggot. Yes I am, but I will kick your ass, then while you're laying on the ground. Laugh and say you just got beat up by a FAGGOT then blow him a kiss and make sure I walk away switching extra hard. I grew up in the same hood. What you want, bring it? Then I guess when I went to pass him ( I walk fast) he saw how much taller I was then him and the muscles under the shirt then calmed down. Why do hoodrat boys find it fun to fight or try to rob someone? (Practicing for their career I guess. lol) So that was basically today.

While sitting around today I heard people talking about the Bobby Brown show. This made me extremely angry, because we don't have cable. ( I know you're like WHAT NO CABLE HOW DO YOU LIVE?) I don't. My parents won't get cable, becasuse, my mother says that it will corrupt our souls, and she couldn't handle the temptation.( I don't know what that means, but I know she would watch the western channel twenty four seven) And my dad is like we can't afford it, this is what he says to everything. I think he thinks if he lets us have something then we'll realize he was lying.WE ALREADY KNOW YOU GOT MONEY, AND WE AIN"T POOR. Then I started thinking about the condition of television. Television is going downhill,, not all of it but a good majority. Prime example the shows that they allow to go into syndication now. Girlfriends whose brilliant idea was it to have four women talking about orgams around 6 in the afternoon when all the little kiddies are home. ( I love girlfriends.) But I mean who thought the day would come that parental advisories would have to be made in regular programming and before seven. Other syndications that make no sense. South Park on UPN and the Bernie Mac show( I love that show) But what happened to the days when shows were syndicated for longeviety. Has it been four seasons, and you know what that means every month they will begin from the first season again. Plus the fact that primetime television nowadays has the hits and everything else is just trash. Some shows deserves more credit than they are given Arrested Development for example is extra funny nominated for 11 emmy's but is being discussed on being taken off the air. What happened to the days when poeple read the scripts before they just threw something together. A show that I am happy is being syndicated is My Wife and Kids. I love that show but never can watch it because of American Idol or i'm busy. I hope that the television business takes more consideration and integrity into what they let broadcast. I mean at like six in the afternoon I heard bitch bitch bitch. From a tv show, soon they won't be bleeping shit. Before you know it Sesame street will be teaching the proper way to use the word fuck. ( if anf when they do I hope it's between Ernie and Bert, the first realistic gay couple on tv and children's shows)( They are role models in the way there relationship has lasted for more than 35 years. But i hardly don't want to argue as much)

Today was a simple day, enjoying being bored.

-Marz

It's August

Yes it is August, the eighth month of the year, my birth month, and one month from school starting. (AHHH school I hate you with a passion). I think I will elaborate on school today. But first we must go over today.

Mommy is yelling around God knows what time, that she is taking my Grandma Rose. Totally different Grandma from Thelma. G-Mom Rose is happy carefree she has a young soul, she was born cripple but never let her handicap make her a sob story.

So mommy is yelling that she is taking her to the bank and that when she is done we are going out with her. So I'm like whatever, mommy gets ready and leaves. I see the bathroom door is open but I don't feel like getting out the bed, I was so sleepy. Long story short. Mommy comes home and I'm in the shower she starts yelling I told you to get ready. asking me do I want to go. ( Like we were going to the beach or something). And i get ready and get into the car. So we go to the new Old country Buffet in South Philly, it is so hott there it's better than any other ones in Philly. So we seat G-mom then i go off and get my plate. this beautiful boy walks in. ( i want to adapt his outfit style to how my first day of school outfit will be) So I continue to eat, and I am staring at him. Then I went to go get another plate. So i return to the table and my G-mom is like why are you eating salad. You trying to lose weight,( She was coming at me, so I had to come back) I am eating it because it's healthy and you need some yourself. GOTCHA.. But in fact I am accomplishing in losing pounds this summer. But I will definitely not become a skinny heifer boy . So then the boy stood up and I turned my head to watch him walk because the current conversation was boring. My sister said that my eyes got all big but I tried to play it off. But then I saw him teasing his little sister cause she had some extra weight on her. He's going to regret that when that weight hit's the right places and he's going to have to fight boys off. But that made him so less attractive. Speaking of fat in the right places. My sister today wears some tight jeans and this shirt and my lord. She done already inheritted the curves that run rampant in our family.( I was lucky and got them curves too, not a skinny heifer boy like my cousins) I just hope that she picks a boy with something in his head, heart, soul, and a face. Afterwards we go on, home and today was a pretty fun and relaxed day.

Grandma is so crazy she was regretting this man that she should have married like two years ago. He was rich and he died and saying how much money she could have had. She is just so funny, when i am old I want to have a young spirit, but, that might be difficult seeing as my spirit is old now. Also, how come everytime we go out some old man hits on her. She is like 73, with her wig on that looks nowhere near realistic. (G-mom get a wig that is not auburn, you need something that will match your newgrowth that is always visible) ( I'm gone to have to hook her up) But she just smiles and flirts away, last week we were in the Chinese buffet and two men were spitting game at the same time. When they left she whispers in my ear Grandma still got it. I know I'm hating but noone ever hits on me. (Well there are always the women in the twenties who swear i'm like 20. But they are not only a waste of my time but they make me feel old. I"M FIFTEEN GET BACK YOU CHILD MOLESTER.)

Oh yeah my conversation with dad on sunday. He basically told me that he might not be at my birthday because SEPTA might cause his schedule to be crazy. And that i should hold off to getting my permit because he doesn't have the funds to pay it. I don't know why that man always trys to get pity and make himself seem so poor whenhe has thousands stashed away in bank accounts. And according to my mother the mortgage and other bills are paid until like February. I am going to pay my own car insurance bill, because, I have a job but I might wait to get my permit.

While thinking about the boy leaving I realized that I'm kind of shallow. Always looking at the cute boys, I have realized that most cute boys rely on looks and all they have to offer you is looks, and regret of course. i am going to start looking at ugly boys, which would force me to look deeper. But really what's the point of looking at boys, I am not getting no boyfriend anytime soon. I don't have time for that kind of drama in my soul.

Oh well i will talk of school later.

-Marz

There are no words

Okay, so today's agenda go to hospital to support G-mom during her time of need. Gyea like that really happened. I mean I was there and I gave support but well let's start out with breakfast.

I am eating my breakfast, and my mom is talking to me about how she is getting back with her best friend. And how she has learned to accept people for who they are. She was cutting people out of her life, because, they weren't who she thought they should be or act. This was all nice and dandy. But NEWSFLASH both of my parents are fake fake fake. My dad will smile in your face and talk about you behind your back. Then talk about what someone's problems are like he is perfect. My mother is different with her fakeness but she exibits some of the same ones as my father. She always condemns people for what they are doing wrong. With their lives and children, when she did the same thing and I always have to remind her you did the same thing. Also, she has these nice conversations with people then when she repeats them she makes it seem like she cursed them out when that is not the case. I mean it's just the case my parents are fake ( and their daughter is too) I have learned to accept it and move on. So then G-mom calls and says that she would like us at the hospital like an hour in advance for her appointment. So I get ready so while i'm brushing my teeth I turn on the radio it's on the ABC station. The view was on and they said that next they were going to interview the husband of the woman who slept with her 14 year old student. So both of us are ready and we are in the car and I turn on the interview. So then we get near the hospital but you have to park like at least a mile away and that's a good parking spot. So then they start this interview with some man, who was gay and I wanted to hear it. My mom gets out the car, and I'm like give me the keys. I turn the car back on to listen to it. BIG MISTAKE. Then my mom is like why do you want to listen to the interview of the homosexual. Then I said because I want to ( I didn't get a lot of sleep and was getting over a headache I wasn't thinking.) Then she said whay are you interested in homosexuals. I got out the car and began looking for my headphones ( I was so mad that I left them at home I would have to talk to her. DAMN YOU HEADPHONES). I began walking towards the hospital, then she is like slow down. I do. Then she says I know you like drama, but why are you so interested in homosexuals? HOW DO YOU ANSWER THIS QUESTION. UMM BECAUSE THEY ARE SO INTERESTING. I wanted to come out right there. But I was taught there is a time and place for everything and the time to comeout would not be on my way to my grandmother's cancer appointment while walking down the street. ( My sexual orientation will be discussed with both parents present at a candelight dinner at a nice restaurant on my 18th birthday) (Unless they catch me with some boy in my room naked, read my blog which they could never find, find that book I just read, or I tell them before then) So then she made several more attempts to make me say I dunno what she wanted to hear. But I wanted to smack her in the head with a stick. I LOVE YOU MOMMY.lol

So we get to the place we're supposed to be so we're on the lookout for G-mom she doesn't appear so we run all around two hospitals. We finally find the place and it was in the building we were in originally. I am in the room with my G-mom and she is filling out the medical history form. Then when the doctor comes in she starts talking to herself but you know it's meant for the doctor to hear it. I don't know why I have to fill this out again, they are so inconsiderate of the blind. My G-mom says she is blind but hat women can see better than most people. I don't want to say she is lying but she sees more than a blind person. WHERE IS YOUR LITTLE STICK CANE. Okay so the doctor feels all like OMG let me pity you. SHe begins to help my g-mom fill out her medical history verbally. Have you ever heard a family member's medical history aloud. Secrets come to the light, brief rundown of G-mom's history.

She got preg first time when she was 18. She had three children but was preg four times in her tubes. I didn't know she had a miscarriage. She got cervical cancer when she was preg with my dad, and they told her to abort the baby. but she kept the baby, and had to get tested everyday. After she had my dad she had a hysterectomy, at 22 so she immediately started menopause. She had to take hormones. SO then it starts again around 98 and she was depressed and then in 2001 she had to get brain surgery, then she had several more sugeries. Has high blood pressure, has relfux, and chronic kidney disease.And i was sitting there in awe of how much she has been though. But, two things that stuck out, all these diseases she made it seem like it wasn't her fault. She has victim mentality she feels as though the world is out to get her.Second, where are all the diseases you said you had in the nineties, because, i distinctly remember you telling the family you had leukemia. I don't know about the other ones you claimed. So then after all this was dropped on me I leave the room for her to get examined. But, not before she called me her inspiration for teaching computers.( most would feel touched but I know this woman, and she always makes me look good because I am her favorite, it make sme angry that she shows a capacity to love but, doesn't use it for anyone else and shows fake like for others.) I was just in awe at the fact that she had a fourth child. So i am sitting in the room with a whole bunch of middle aged women waiting to get mammograms and what not. They were so friendly but I chatted a little then I read Nikki Giovanni ( NIkki I love you so much, i would pay you to look at me and speak.) So my mom comes out around two and says we are getting ready to leave then I realize there's a radio in the room. I change the station and everyone seemed to be playing Free yourself at the same time it was weird. Then wendy started talking bout folk. I became inpatient and go into the exam room and they are ready to go but where are we going. Not home, but to get chest x-rays after they take blood. While going down to the chest x-rays in the elevator my g-mom says to me well this shows I am going to die soon. HOW THE HELL DO YOU RESPOND TO THIS. WOMEN IN MY FAMILY STOP SAYING UNRESPONDABLE STATEMENTS TO ME. Then she goes on about how she has the worst cancer and other people are in the elevator now and she is justa yelling. She is not going to die, she is one of those old people that want to die but make it seem like they don't want to. But deep down she wants to go like today, but since she wants to die that is what keeps her alive. God's irony is eternal. So in the waiting room i get some money to go to a cart and get some food I was starving. I get some chips and a soda. ( I was so mad that i screwed my new healthy eating habits over.) So while I sat in the room I looked at the tv and it was 4:00 we got there at 11:30 i was mad. SO then this woman in the room ask how old I am? Are you hitting on me Ms. Nurse lady. I say 15 but i'm turning 16 in like two weeks she says happy birthday with this look of shock. (My face has an older look and people often think that I am like 19 or 20. When i was at state college this lady let me in the bar so i guess i look older.) G- mom comes out and we are leaving then she goes to the mac we go outside, and she is like there used to be a restaurant here but it must be gone. Then she says well let's go to Mcdonalds my treat. I hate mcDonalds in the fact that they love to make sure your burger havea three thousand calories and 1 million grams of fat. But before we go in we have to wait until she smokes a cig. I wanted to hit her in the head with a stick. YOU CRAZY OLD LADY YOU HAVE CANCER AND YOU ARE SMOKING. According to what she told the doctor she smokes 3 quarters of a pack a day. She sits on a bench and my mother and I join her. She starts talking about how she has the worst cancer and she was trying to make someone pity her. Then she started talking about how my Aunt Gina told her that she could get healthy look at Lance Armstrong. Then she starts saying Lance Armstong got healthy because he is white, and a male, and young, and has money. Then she says the same thing about Merv Griffin. Then how she is a black, blind, old woman. How the world is out to get black blind old woman. HELLO THIS IS 2005 NOT 1965. I mean i don't believe we went to the colored hospital, we were in u of penn the best in Philly, ( and most of America). Then my mom is just agreeing left and right then they start this conversation about how black women are stronger than any other race or gender. I WAS SO THROUGH. Then my G-mom who hasn't forgiven my dead G-pop. Starts talking about how black men are the worst and blah blah blah. I WONDER DID YOU SAY THAT ON YOUR WAY TO ORGASMS. My mom tells G-mom that Mother Allen wants to meet her. ( She is a breast cancer survivor) Then my g-mom asks a few questions then says oh no i don't want to meet her, she sounds like one of those people who says herbs or Jesus healed them they would truly devastate me. I was so angry, so what Jesus healed mother allen she still went through what you're going through. You want to complain about how you need support and someone to help you, then one is offered. You pass them off, and refuse to join the breast cancer support group at the hospital where you can talk to someone who went through what you're going through. YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY. She finishes her cigarette, and we are off to Mickey D's. I was so mad at mommy for not saying we have to go home or at least suggesting a better restaurant. ( I love WENDY'S) So we go in and I have no clue what to order I want to get a salad but Mcdonalds salads are a mess. I don't know how you can mess up something frown from the ground but you did. So i order their new chicken BLT. the number 6. ( it was good, go out and get that sandwich)So then they gave us the cups, i went to fill up our cups. When I came back to the counter this magnificent looking boy/man I would say he was inbetween 17 and 20 maybe. Turned around I was like DAMN HE"S FINE. But was he gay, according to my gaydar which is up their with the best of the best. YES HE WAS. Especially his belt. ( not saying his belt had any sayings of his sexuality but it was a gay belt) I didn't look at him to much while we waited for our food. but when we got our food, I went to get the hetchup. They were out of the sauce cups so my mom went up to get them. CURSE YOU MOMMY FOR GETTING THE SAUCE CUPS FROM THE CUTE GAY BOY. I wanted to talk to him but, as I thought about it what was I going to say. Do you have any sauce cups? In a sexual manner he would've laughed in my face I would've laughed at me. So we begin eating, G-mom begins in who screwed her over. I could care less for this conversation ( i've heard her list far too many times). So I ate and stared at the boy. While staring I realized that I am really bad at flirting,why is this, because I don't ever present myself in a sexual manner to people. I always appear as the friend. Also, I don't know how to talk to people. HAAA THAT"S A LAUGH. I do but I mean what would I say. I was thinking about ordering an ice cream cone. SO I could say something to him. But what could I say and with my mom and g-mom withme. BACK TO REALITY. My children don't care nothing about me, they don't know who I am. If and when I die i'm going to have to write my own obituary. Because noone knows me except myself. Then what her therapist told her seven years ago. How her children hate her. BLAH BLAH BLICKETY BLAH. Back to really cute boy I wonder what his name is. He looks foreign. Wonder how he gets his lips all shiny and delicious looking. I love his hair. I wish I could braid then I could do his hair. But i do know how to plait, I could give him indies. ( i know I make it sound like i was just drooling over him but I know how to look at folk without them noticing.) I offer to get our drink refills to get a closer look. DAMN HE"S FLYY. AND IN HIS MCDONALDS UNIFORM TOO. I return to the table, do you know what my children say about me do you know they say I make up these diseases. YOU DO WOMAN (well not this one but you have). My mother and I are finished eating, she says sorry I don't eat as fast as yall. It's alright. NO MOM IT"S NOT WE NEED TO GO. Then this man who was just yelling at his employees went to the women's bathroom. I took his anger for the fact that he had to be like 35 and a manager at McDonald's. ( That was wrong to think.) Then this other cute boy walks in, he was like rugged thug cute he goes inside the bathroom. "Gina doesn't care about me", she tried to schedule you a mammogram for two years she visits you every friday what are you insane? The thug cute boy walks out the bathroom with an apron on. WELL HOT DAMN the boys that work at the mcDonald's inside CHOP are hot. Then the man leaves the women's bathroom and g-mom goes inside my god we are almost done. I look at my mom and she just starts to smile. I say you should've said no we are fasting for your health. you should have said we are on a fast for your health. G-mom comes back and we're getting ready to leave the cute boy and the thug boy switch positions. The cute boy walks out with an Old navy bag in hand, looks straight at me and smiles. I COULD'VE DIED RIGHT THERE. Why did i have to be with my mother? Why didn't I talk to him? But i'm not going to live with regret. I'll just assume that he was a whore with chlamydia.( at least that will make me happy I didn't speak to him)(that is so wrong).

Rest of the day we get g-mom on the bus and head for the car. We stop in the middle of the walk, and sit on a bench to regather our thoughts. Being around so much hatred will drain you. We get home and dad passed his license test YAYYYYYYY. He can start for SEPTA, I'm happy for him even though I can't show it after being around such a bitter bitch for seven hours. oh yes we didn't get home to 6 when we left at 11. (g-mom I hate to call you a bitter bitch, but you know what you are and if you don't let me tell you, you're a bitter bitch.) ( hope you get rid of your breast cancer.) We went to this doctor to get a second opinion, and her way is less dramatic then a mastectomy. She will go through chemo for six months then get the cancer taken out when it's smaller. I guess it was fulfilling when G-mom hugged me and thanked me so much for coming. I think i'm guessing wrong though.


I am so though with today, there are no words to explain my feelings.



-Marz