SEPTEMBER'S END

Today is the last day of September and what a month it has been. Very hectic for me, school starting, work starting, getting back into the flow of things. I have not done well this month at all. I will try again in October, and make a conscious effort to try again every day. Today I am wearing orange and red, ( I have become very fond of wearing orange.) ( Maybe because it’s my favorite color.)

College Search


It has been very interesting, when I find a new college I jump onboard with everything I have. At first I wanted Columbia but then I changed my mind. And then I wanted Duke, and then I saw Washington University in St. Louis. That has been the school that I was on for the last couple of months. I still am very interested in them, but with colleges sending me letters everyday I am constantly changing my mind. I get about three or four from different colleges, and universities. I throw away anything that is in Pennsylvania. Yes, it would be cheaper to go to school here, but this entire state is baggage. I need to let it go. Alright so the other day my counselor and I were talking about colleges. She doesn’t want me to go to St. Louis, she says it’s too far. That the city probably sucks, because, if it didn’t she would have been there. She also said some discriminating thing s about the mental state of Midwestern people. So I said," Well, if I shouldn’t go there. Where should I go?" She got this goofy grin on her face and says," I could totally see you at N.Y.U."


NEW YORK

New York is so close to home its like a two hour trip by train, my mother and father could come up at any old time. HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE. That is exactly why I ended my desire in Columbia. It was too close, and Washington University is nice and far. After expressing all of this she says." I could really picture you there". I then tell her how they wrote me and that they basically don’t have an engineering program, and that the brochure mostly had art stuff. She responded, " they have more than art". WHATEVER . We parted our ways, the next days I picked up some letters from colleges. There was one from Lynchburg, Virginia ( must I say anymore) and they had the audacity to name their school Freedom University. Now, they might be running a good program, but, the name of the city just turned me off. So I trashed it, and there it was. This big booklet from NYU. I picked it up and it opened to the majors section., and they have an engineering department. I was like," when did this come about". I don’t know, all I do know is that Sunday I will be at an open house in Philly. ( I am going to look so stiff just coming from church. EWWW My personality will just have to shine on through.) I HOPE TO GOD, THAT MY MOTHER DOESN’T ASKS ONE OF HER QUESTIONS. Like," Can they pray on campus?", or" How many people in New York would you say are Christians?". I am exaggerating a little but she does ask crazy questions. Like when I went to Penn State she asked some off the wall questions. The teachers and my counselor all commented to me the next day how overbearing my mother seemed. They should be glad my father wasn’t there. ( I was so happy that he was too tired to attend after work, but then again it also shows how he has no interest in my life.) ( Why am I always giving that man flack? Does he really deserve it? HMM yeah.)

WORLD AIDS DAY CONTEST

Last year, our health teachers made us write a paper about AIDS. The topic was how does AIDS affect me. It didn’t affect me in any major ways ( none at all really), and I sort of struggled to write the essay( not really). My paragraphs were like, my wife could have AIDS, I can’t remember the other ones. But little did I know that AIDS (well GRID) did affect me. I had an uncle who died form GRID, ( before it was changed to AIDS). He was closeted from what my mother says, she didn’t really know anything. The basics of our conversation about him were she thought he was straight, he always had girls with him. She didn’t know he was a homosexual. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I think a lot now, about how it would’ve been awesome for him to not have died. I would have someone to talk to, about simple stiff that can’t be verbalized. I also really wonder where his soul went. HMMM. I pray that he visits me, because, all my other dead family have visited me in dreams or in other times. It’s funny how sometimes we want people to live who we don’t even know. I am going to talk to my mom about his death, and my aunts too. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this. I can only take so much of my mother saying homosexual, trying to make herself seem like she’s politically correct. She sounds like a radical uppity white woman in the fifties saying," Oh no honey nigger is so old, they want to be called Negroes now. Or if you’re feeling generous African American".

Our teacher says that she doesn’t want one of those fact papers. She wants us to invoke emotion. (those aren’t her words, but that’s what she meant.) It is also a contest so we could win money for our works. I’m undecided about a poem or essay, and if I should interview someone or not. I think I’ll interview Kiki. She worked with people with AIDS, and she wants to open an AIDS clinic when she gets out of college. Therefore, she has a lot of insightful information that will help me. This year’s topic is STOP AIDS: Keep The Promise.

Today we get out early, I am so happy. I am going to have a busy day, returning clorhes, and getting my hair cut.


-Marz

Top Model Thursday

Although I didn't get to see the first half hour of top model, because, my parents wanted to drive my last nerves in to the ground. I was able to see the parts that mattered, the shoot and evaluation. ( I need to see what drama happened though.)




NIK I LOVE YOU.Look at that picture she is going to win, she has been killing it since week number one. Everyone was on Bre, before the season started but look at her, next to Bre no competition. She can't take a a photo at all. ( well mayeb a little. but she ins't Nik.) Look at how Nik's booty is just like BAM! LOL WORK IT. In my book she is going to win it.














Alright next we have Kim and Kyle. I really liked Kim's photo, even though her left eye( right eye to us) is like looking wherever." She is a pretty gull," as Nigel Barker would say. LOL Kyle I don't like her new hair color, I don't know why Tyra thinks because she is Tyra, whatever she says about someones look goes and will look good. I mean how often does she dress her damn self, she has stylist all over the place. Her hair also looks Brillosque, ( even though that's not a word.) her arms are just anywhere, oh no.






















NICOLE AND DIANE

I am mad that Diane took a picture like that. It looks like something in the Catherine's magazine ( my G-mom added my mom to their guest list LOL.) She is wearing the clothes holding it, trying to look skinny. BIG D, you are a plus sized girl, let the world see the meat on your bones. It's delicious.( Damn I want some meat, this fast is killing me.) Now Nicole killed the picture, especially in her closeup( sorry I don't feel like uploading it.) I still don't like her whining ass, always complaining about something. But she might change just like Ms. Pigford did.

























Ebony and LISA
We must start with Lisa, she was voted Covergirl of the week. I personally think that Nik should have got it. But I guess I need to stop tap dancing on Nik's coochie, and start looking at the other girls. Lisa is doing very well for herself, the judges have noticed her. ( In a good way.) I like this picture she is showing off the oufit, has a viscious face on. GO AHEAD LISA.
Now Ebony, poor Ebony. I have said once and I'll say it again, she makes the black race look bad as a whole. ( well maybe not.) But I mean James St. James said it best," If that's the best picture on the roll, I would hate to see the other ones." I'M GLAD WE DIDN'T. She got it twisted when she took a picture like that, with her hair all in her face. Good Luck Ebony, you could host seminars on not how to pose when on TOP MODEL. (I think it would sell out.)



JAYLA AND CASSANDRA


Alright, I am afraid of Ms. Cassandra, when she referred to herself as a sociopath who doesn't kill. I was screaming,"She's crazy as hell". And she is so very annoying, she is rich, and comes from sophisticated people. I'm not mad at her for that, but the way she flaunts it and tries to imprint a molding that she's better. YOU AIN'T SHIT. But her picture is nice, I don't really like her cut, but, she is going to get it done again. I want to know where her right breast is, my goodness I have more than that. Also, Ms. Texas obviously doesn't care about being a model, when she wants to be a pageant girl so badly. She makes modeling sound like a fun summer activity." Oh yeah this summer I took a couple snazzy photos, and got to hang out with some poor bitches and homosexual men. I'm glad daddy wasn't there, he would've shot them all. You know when I looked into the blond headed one's eyes, I saw Satan". I hope she loses. ( and she will because Nik ( and maybe LIsa) are going to win. Jayla the Italian girl with yellow teeth, I really like her she reminds me of Norelle from Season 3. She is obviously holding her leg to protect her goodies, or to keep from falling off the haystack. Her ears are really big, that's a sign of good wealth( that's what my mothers say). I'm not going to expect anything great from her, but who knows what will happen.









AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL













Okay, let me tell you how Gorgeous walks up to me today and says," Wassup playboy, where you been? I ain't seen you all year."

AM I hype?

I don't think I am. I swear he's bi. WORK I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY SCHOOL WORK, NOT HIS ASS WHICH I CAN SEE RATHER WELL SINCE HE IS BENDING OVER AT THIS MOMENT.

I have been having mood swings today, like I'm crazy. ( Well crazier than I normally am. LOL) I was so sad this morning then I was angry, then angry and depressed, then just hopeless. Now I am happier, and I think i should be getting better.




I don't have any quotes, that isn't good.


-Marz

BAD DAYS

Today's song by Ms. Apple.


Today and yesterday were bad days. I have thought about typing this blog so many times that it's out my system about what happened. The basic point is, certain people care about me. but they way they are showing their care, or the fact that they care at all. IS PISSING ME THE HELL OFF.

Alright, today in the library, this gang came back. It's all these sexy hoodrat boys who frankly, don't belong in the library, but on the streets addicting a young generation. They always come with this one man, and I think he is their parole officer or something. And they always sit around the library reading a magazine, and talking about drugs, hoes, and nice cars. ( It's like any rap song nowadays.) How do i know all this? DID I not say they were sexy, I hover around them. LOL And they give me looks like," I wonder if he got his little check on him, so we can rob him". I'm glad even though they may have done whatever, they are trying to change themselves.


I AM SO FINISHED WITH SCHOOL. I AM NOT GOING BACK EVER AGAIN.

So let me go get ready for tomorrow's school day. LOL

God I hate school so much, and then being grown is going to be so ugly too. WHY HAS MY CHILDHOOD DISINTEGRATED? AND NOW THAT I LOOK OVER IT IT WAS SUCH A MESS. But i had my good times. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.


NO IT WON'T BE.

-Marz

Desperate Housewives, My weekend, and Children

This song is by Fiona Apple, I found her thanks to Mr. Cane. I like her so much I'm going to learn the words. ( that means so much.)

Alright was Desperate housewives not the best last night. I was screaming at the televison. "NO she didn't, oh no she didn't". My motherand I just sitting there, and every five minutes I had to bring her up to speed because, she only saw one episode last season (the one where Bree's son was doing drugs at school.) I must analyze the show last night.

Was not Bree not the craziest she is my favorite housewife out the gang. She is so crazy but she keeps that craziness under a mask of perfection. The only thing is her perfection really is perfection, not some near perfect type mess. It was too much when she was at the funeral and she got that tie removed. And when she told her mother-in-law she couldn't come to her son's funeral, and if she did come she would be beat with a stick by a guard. Her mother in law reminded me of my G-mom with the breast cancer and how she would be. I also love her look and her hair, it is so fllyyyyyy. Go head Bree ( Marcia) do it up.

Now Susan makes me sick, she needs to leave the plumber alone. Even though he is hot, and you just want to rip his shirt off, and lick ice cream off his nipples. But he's a criminal, and a little crazy. She should of left his ass, when she found the money and gun in his house, and fell through the floor. It's amazing what people will do for some dick ain't it? And Zach is his son, he sure didn't get the looks, Zach is kinda off. But I like his character even though he is very crazy.

Alright now Gabrielle I love her so much. Whoo, ain't she so much of a damn mess. Now it was bad when she got her mother-in-law addicted to gamblimg again. But stealing paternity tests. And that sexy gardener I love him with a passion. He is so sexy hot, if only he had an accent wouldn't he just be irresistable?

Alright but the gardener can move over for the new hot black boy. His back was so strong looking I just want to stand on it, and I don't know I have to work that fanstay out. lol. And his voice was so deep.

Isn't the black family crazy?

OMG, they're filled with the devil. Now Alfre Woodard there is something off with her ass. I swore she was going to smack her son with a stick when he cut the rose off. She is one of those calm killers. And that is definielty her husband in the basement, or maybe she isn't married but it's the son's father.Now Ms. Lynnette I wasn't really drawn into her last night. But I will be soon, wasn't she a mess taking them damn pills. And it was too funny when she kicked out her father-in-law and her husband because, they condoned cheating. But she ins't my favorite. But it's not like I hate her, she just isn't Bree.

BREE I LOVE YOU.

Oh yeah I didn't tell of my fun weekend, despite some things said in church yesterday. I wrote it up yesterday but then Word acted all crazy so I had to turn it off without saving it. And when I loaded it back up again the backup file, didn't have my last paragraph whihc was really long, and I didn't feel like typing it again. The main points are, me and KiKi went out and had so much fun.

HIgh point: Almost everything

Low point: Being stuck in Oktoberfest, but this really cute man hit on me. He swore I was older, because he asked me where was my beer?

Crazy things we did: well we stared at her ass alot becuase it looked bigger than usual. WE bought pepper spray, because last time that homeless man almost got us. We jumped out the way of this crazy man who tried to tackle us.

I had so much fun with KiKi our next trip is going to be on Black Saturday (you know the day after black friday.) and we're going to King of Prussia mall, and we are going to kill it.

AIDS WALK PHILLY 2005

I am going to go this year. Last year, I wanted to go because the health teachers were giving extra credit if you particpated. Also, I would get some hours of community service, ( which by the way is 360 hours to graduate.) and there was something else I would get but I can't remember what it was. So I asked to go, but I couldn't because it was on Sunday and we had to go to church. So me and my dramatic ass had to add the theatrics, you wanna know what I said.

"Mom, it's has nothing to do with church. you hate people with AIDS and you want them all to die, that's all. And you know that if I go, I'll raise money and the people with AIDS may have a cure made. And then they'll live you AIDS hater." She said that she doesn't hate people with AIDS, and that we had to go to church.

We didn't get to church that day until,1 in the afternoon. And on the noon news, they showed the walk ending. I could've been home in enought ime to go to church. I was so mad, and I said other mean things about her character like," you just don't want me to get a good grade in health, because you probably failed." And," you don't want me to get my community service hours so I can't graduate. You want me to become a nothing."

OH and it was also angering when the Breast Cancer walk happened. I wanted to go to that, but I dind't even asks because it was on Sunday. And my parents were in their room watching the news, and my dad says to my mother," Did Marcus ask to go to that?", " no he didn't that surprises me, he usually asks to go to them all."

THEY MAKE ME SICK. I'm going to have a walk for children who are sick, from their parents.

I swear that working here (at the library) has given me a new appreciation for my education, and my high I.Q. These kids that come into this library are just UHHH. I don't want to call them dumb, because I'm sure they have the ability to learn. But the teachers aren't teaching them. but one seven-year-old child said that the numbers between 10 and 15 were 66. And today I sat with this one boy who is like 8 and I basically taught him how to round up to the closet ten, and he didn't get it. I drew it out if he was a visual learner, I made examples, and he didn't get it. After around twenty minutes I thought he would get it, but he said 59 should be rounded down to 50. And he had like 50 problems, I just can't help these kids, and I am not going to do their homework. I barely have time to do mine. The children that come in here can't do simple math. One girl had to write out 21+2, and she was in eighth grade. I don't want to judge these kids, but the educational stanards of the Phildelphia School Disrtrct must come up. I mean even drug dealers have math skills. ( Most of them have better math skills than those with doctorates.) My eighth grade teacher that was just as hood as he wanted to be. ( His math examples were too funny, and they either related to drug deals, or prostitution. You know the career that most of the children wanted.) But he said one thing," You need math to get any job". And you really do, I mean I don't really think we need some things, ( I will since I want to be an engineer.) But, the school district is messing up the children in these black schools, and they can't even rise above, because, most of these kids whose parents try and send them to a charter school. Can't pass simple entrance exams and have to go back to kindergarten when they're supposed to be in third. ( I have seen it happen too often.) Also, how are childrens supposed to be ready to learn algebra by ninth grade when they can't do simple math. In neglecting our children a good education, aren't we just setting them up for a life of crime. They don't get a good education as others and feel dumb, and feel that being smart is uncool. So they'll be cool and sell drugs, because they don't need a degree. I wonder if the government chooses our black men at birth, saying this one won't amount to anything, and that one will only get a trade. But that one there, we better watch out, because, he is going to see right through us. YUP. That's me, I see yall assses and I don't like the smell or view. You need to take a bath, you filthy whores.

This job is really making me think about a job in education. But seeing as how pissed off I got with that boy, and was about to give him the answers. I don't know. It can be a career path for me. I think all you need is your master's and certification. It would be fun. But maybe older kids, but I wouldn't want a job like that until I was older. And it would be something fun to do.

I AM LOVING THIER EYES WERE WATCHING GOD. Tea Cake is a mess, go head Janie get you a young man. I'm about to sue Ms. McMillan because if this isn't Stella. ( Well it isn't, but, it does has it's similarities.) I am extremely amazed at how, Ms. Hurston was born in 1891. ( Not a good time to be black or female, or put together.) And she managed to get her books published, and get an education. It makes me wonder why am I taught that no one in my race had an education. ( Only the few rich, and civil rights people.) Everyone else couldn't read though. HMMM. More lies, and proof that the Philadelphia School District is out to get all it's inhabitants, including staff. HMM

Every second that passes we are one second closer to death. How may seconds have you wasted on foolishness?-Marz

-Marz

CHURCH

I went to church alone today, my mother stayed home with my sister. She was supposed to come later on during the service but she didn't and I had to walk home. And my father had to get to work around the time of the service, so he wasn't there either.

Today's service was something, there weren't a lot of people in the congregation. But, God was there so that's all the people we needed. And today there were some very controversial things said about "my kind". lol And I'm so happy that I'm not tripping or acting crazy and this post isn't CHURCH PAINS 3.

At the very end of the service, my pastor was talking and was about to say the benediction. He says," People we need to pray in these last and evil days. Oh yes, and I need you to pray about this law they are trying to pass. They are trying to add onto the civil rights movement act, and pass a law that says pastors cannot preach against homosexuality." This statement was met by," my lord", and ,"the devil is a liar", and many other things that Christians say on a regular basis like that. He went on to say that, they are trying to add this to civil rights statements like it's like being black. He then says," Those people really think that they're like us. I mean that they were born that wayand they deserve civil right laws. I know that I came out black but they didn't come out that way." More "my lawd", and "we need jesus." Then he started talking about how it's not the same because we chose the way we are. And that last year during a gay pride event downtown, some people were arrested for passing out tracks and telling them they're going to hell. He has a right to tell the homosexuals were they are going, because, it's the truth. And it isn't a hate crime, they don't hate them, they hate the sin they're doing. What sin exactly are they doing? Who the hell is coming into a church and having anal sex on the pulpit? I need to know what these sins are, when you can protest something that truly I believe should stay in the bedroom. When was the last time you condemned a killer, or bank robber? I do believe that was on the ten commandments.

Other things said:

Canada and other countries already have these rules established and that's why they're going downhill.He made it seem like the homosexuals are the cause of the worlds problems, I mean I don't want to come at him. But I do believe that homosexuals were some of the main ones to donate to Katrina victims. Him on the other hand didn't take up one offering. But just talk about how those people in New Orleans got what they deserved for being evil and doing voodoo, and having homosexuals. Oh yeah God got rid of them, but let the rapers live so they could get those nice little children in the Astrodome right?

How about then he went on to talk about, the origins of people's "abominable lifestyle". Because they were raped, and that it has been shown that homosexual men are more likely to try and rape a young person than try and step to a "real man". ( Meaning someone of their own age group.) He says that they are trying to make the church formfitting to sin. Homosexual groups have millions of dollars that could be better utiliized, than for sin. Then he said a whole bunch more about the topic of homosexuality.

Alrighty then, my thoughts are these:

1. If he is annointed and can detect peoples evil spirits, and I have a spirit of homosexuality. Why doesn't he call me out? and get rid of my evil demeanor and likings. I mean wasn't he the same pastor who told that other gay man he can't play the piano. Also, never return to his church unless he wants to be delivered. Shouldn't he be able to see the devil in me?

2. UMMM. I haven't been raped, and I don't want no little boy. I want someone my age. Any sixteen year olders out there? LOL

3. How isn't telling people that homosexuals are going to hell for their lifestyles not verbal abuse. When parents hear that and then have my peers on the street turning tricks so they can buy a quarter bag of chips. I mean I used to throw a fit,and go into a state of depression at the thought that maybe the ministers are right and I am going to hell. So I mean I'm sure that other folks feel a certain way about it. And also, I don't have the privilege of going to a community church. One lesbian girl that goes to my school said that, her church banned her from coming in. You know if we are such sinful people, shouldn't we be allowed in church, and made to sit on the first row. Better yet the pulpit.No one better. They should make all the homosexuals of the world eat the bible, page for page. Then the sin wouldn't be able to dwell inside of us with God's word.
Right?


Why can't anyone answer my questions?



4. He mentioned how it isn't the same thing as being black. This made me think. What did the preachers preach about being black back in the day? ( I mean the white preachers.) I'm sure the had sermons titled," Niggers are black because they're filled with evil. Don't even waste your time bringing them to Jesus( or church), because their soul is already with the devil. That's a day worth of cotton and tobacco not harvested." Yeah, you know they were in the south, because that title is as long as a county song. lol. What I'm saying is, I'm sure that back in the day. There were messages taught on how African Americans are going to hell. How white people should treat African Americans and things of that nature. I mean I have read sermons from way back that teaches, if you don't beat your wife, you aren't a real man. And you're wife won't obey you. I mean maybe we should abolish the rights of blacks, and Latinos and anyone that isn't Caucasian, male, and rich. And the rest of us should just move into the basement of the White house, and be slaves to George Dubya Bush. Right? I mean weren't there people back then that said being black was an abomination, being poor was an abomination.

If there wasn't, people wouldn't have been taking bleach baths or had get-rich-quick schemes now would they?

I STILL HAVE NO ANSWERS, INTERESTING.

5. Isn't is better that people are true to themselves rather than having another media frenzy and another six down low books written. I mean from my personal experiences in the church, I was telling myself at twelve that I was sick. Praying and praying for God to make me straight. And I just said to myself that I am straight and that I am going to get married and have kids and do the whole American dream thing ( Which is all a lie conceived to blind everyone from true self. Made up to be the only form of true happiness, when it's just all a lie. My household is the "American dream" A mother, father both married, and two children boy and girl. You look from the oustide and see WOW. But truth can be well hid behind lies. Can't they?) Wouldn't that be a lie to myself, and be a hot mess, when I'm having an office affair with Braheem with thick hips and lips. After sometime, I just told myself that I was going to be asexual ( yes that exist) and that I wouldn't be attracted to anyone or do anything sexual. But who the hell am I or was I trying to kid. My closet now is only obstructed because of my damn parents. ( I love them despite their homo-ignorance, because, they claim they aren't afraid of spirits.) Aren't we just repeating history with diminishing civil rights of certain groups. ( I guess I should pay attention in that class, so I don't repeat history.)So according to the church I should do one of those last scenarios, and ruin my life and potential others. Right?

IF THE HETEROSEXUALS CARED SO MUCH ABOUT KEEPING UP THERE STANDARDS AND WAYS. WHY DON'T THAY HAVE A STRAIGHT PRIDE FESTIVAL?

Oh wait because being proud of being straight would be like being proud of being white. It's the way everyone is supposed to be right? Everyone else is just proud, to cover up there true insecurities of who they are. Because, being white is perfect, and black is the opposite, and same with gay, and straight.

HMMMM. It seems that our minds have been corrupted by the evil white man. If we now take a look under the mask of the KKK, we'll see pastors. Because they believe in the mission statement of that group.

BETTER NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR COCOA SKIN.

It's so very funny to me that the African American race has enslaved their minds with more ignorance than what exist on the Earth( that's why we had to travel to other planets).

I WILL HAVE A LEARNED MIND.

But it's so hard when ignorance is the cool way of life. It's the way of the majority, because, lord knows how the minority is treated. ( Have we been watching the news with hurricane Katrina.)

Hard to believe these words come from a boy in an entire minster family right? (Except for the other heathens, who won't go to bible college.) LOL

I can't wait for Desperate Housewives tonight.


-Marz

FRIDAY

Don’t you hate when really old people keep talking and talking, And you want to tell them to shut up or have to go? But you can’t because they’re old, and you have morals.

I sometimes wonder whose social security number is right after mine or before mine.

Why does everytime I’m on the bus some really big dicked man gets on, and has to stand right in front of me? And I am just staring at it in his pants, and I just want to do some things. But I can’t. OOOH And I really hate when they have to lean forward to let someone go up the aisle, then it’s like right there in my face.


These are some questions that I thought up today.

Anyone got answers?

Oh yeah and you know how people say that black people have rhythm so we can clap to beats and stuff like that . I mean that’s good if you get a job as the clap person for the song, "make it clap." But isn’t it horrible whenever you hear a beat and you just have to shake you’re behind . I want you to listen to this song and try not to dance, it’s impossible. IT’S THE CURSE OF HAVING RHYTHM.LOL

Alright today is another dress down Friday/Orgasm day. I am rocking orange and red today , and I look banging. And those glasses that I found at the library may be Prada glasses, or they may be Pradah sunglasses. I have to find out, because, if I have some real Prada sunglasses that I got for free I will flip. Alright so the shady hoes, are all up in my ear, just wanting to share the gossip and talk about folk. I don’t want anything to do with it. But I must talk about this one girl who I personally don’t like. She is about the only person I don’t like in the school, except for this gay bashing fool. ( Who really wasn’t worth me typing the last six words.) One day last year, I walked into a class she had to deliver a message to the teacher. And she began talking about my outfit, and saying she heard I gave some boy head and this and that. WHOA I haven’t even had my first real kiss, and she gonna spread rumors like the ugly person she is. And I looked GOOOD


SO I DON’T LIKE HER.


Alright, she is one of those girls that are"trying" to look cute but aren’t accomplishing. I mean she can’t walk in ½ inch wedges. And she tries to wear 1 inch wedges every week wobbling, and looking a mess. Also her feet are extra fat, so they are busting out in the sides. Now what she needs to do is get some wide shoes, and take them home over the weekend and learn how to walk in heels. Because otherwise she is going to fall at the junior prom. ( I am LMAO thinking of her in three inch heels at prom, just falling in the middle of the dance floor.) Also, she has this air of snootiness, she has this walk is supposed to be "top model" , she looks a mess. Also, she flings her hair like Ashanti, and like Ashanti it ain’t real. ( But Ms. Ashanti you have gotten better, and have learned some other dance moves I don’t what they are though. LOL). And she talks about people like she is something so big, and because she "thinks" she looks flyy. She feels that she has a right to talk about others. LISTEN UP HONEY NO ONE HAS A "RIGHT" TO TALK ABOUT ANYONE BECAUSE NO ONE IS PERFECT. And she definitely isn’t with her wobbly busting out the side shoes, bad weave, and clothes self, make me sick. Where’s a portable toilet when you need one? LOL


I would tell her all this, but, I mean what straight boy would notice that a girl is wobbling in ½ wedges. It would turn into " yeah, he only thinks like that because he’s gay". That would be too much drama added onto what already is happening. In one class she walked by and I looked at her and my eyes went straight to those neon orange shoes, and one girl was like, "Marcus why you do that." " What are you talking about?" " I saw how you looked at them shoes, yeah she does look a mess, and someone needs to tell her." But to give her her due, the outfit would be nice, if she learned how to walk in shoes, and get some that fit her feet(Lord knows they hurt when she gets home.) And didn’t try and act like she’s some rich girl, because, I think she’s from the hood in West Philly, Girl please who you trying to fool. And I don’t know about the outfit as a whole, she wore mostly baby blue and white, and because she wore a orange belt (Which didn’t match) she thought that gave her a right to wear those hideous shoes. Who knows I could be wrong, and she’s wearing the newest thing in couture. ( lord I hope she isn’t)


I AM SO TIRED OF THE METALLIC, BOHEMIAN LOOK AND EVERYONE TRYING TO WEAR A MOHAWK LIKE NAIMA. Everyone is walking around looking alike, and it isn’t cute with them long dresses. But I guess that is good for the sluttish girls that only wear panties outside. ( And we all know that outside is the hallway in their apartment complex because they’re too lazy to turn tricks like a regular prostitute.) NO offense to prostitutes, because truly some people need you’re services. ( Without them they’d be virgins and would die a virgin.)


SPEAKING OF VIRGINS: ( Not me LOL) In Philly, there was this big file of over 400 pages of sexual abuse written about young children and teenagers in the Catholic church by ministers over decades of years( i believe it's decades. It's at least a few years ago). But the ministers can’t be arrested because, it is out of the time to which it can be reported. And the person who had this file was a top priest. Ain’t that some mess. I hope those people get justice for the wrongs done to them. Also, maybe priests should be allotted a conjugal or two. Also, I do believe that this proves that, just because boys are raped or molested by a man that doesn’t make them gay. ( Because lord knows, my mother was quick to tell me that all homosexuals were raped .)

Alright why did I leave my i.d. card home on the day I needed it to cash my check? I am so mad, and my money was all messed up, I had to get Kim to call the people downtown. Also update on the work situation. Today I saw that Nikki and Kim were talking to each other in fake tones. When really they have so much to say to each other. They both want to seem nice, but I believe Nikki is going to slip, and they will have a verbal fight. I hope I’m there to see it.


Tonight, my sister, mom, and I are going to our old church. Why? Because my cousin is having this youth thing and he invited us. First, we’ll talk of my cousin. Let’s name him HOLY. He is older than I by 16 days but, acts like he is by three years. HOLY always wants to walk around and speak like he knows so much. He sounds like one of those foolish black men that everyone believes, because they don’t know any better. But then again, he does have many responsibilities for his age, and that matures any youngster quicker than needed . He is very fake, he is one of those people that try to fit in with everyone. So one second he hates basketball to fit in with one group, but the next he loves it to fit in with another. He wonders why I don’t care about trying to be with everyone all the time. He is also, always trying to be better than me, I keep trying to tell him.

You can’t be in a competition with someone, who isn’t competing.-Marz


Like he wanted to go to a better school than me, ( which he did but he got there and failed a whole bunch of classes.) He wanted to be skipped ahead of me or to his right grade. ( his mother moved him around so much, she made him repeat one grade for her liking.) He is also very very homophobic, but what should I expect. He is a member of my lovely minister family. My examples with him are these two ( these are just a few I can remember):


1. When I was first coming to terms with my sexuality at twelve( Well that’s when I started realizing that it wasn’t going to go away with prayer.) I wanted to talk to someone my age, and see if they had feelings for boys. Or how they felt about things like that. So I tested the waters very gently (Momma didn’t raise no fool, I sure wasn’t going to come out to him. ) I told him about this boy that liked me in school, and he began telling me how he’s going to hell, and he’s an abomination, and blah blah blah. It wasn’t what I needed to hear at that moment. I loved it when he told me that he wants to tell him that personally.And that I should do it because he can’t. YES HOLY you sure are doing the work for the kingdom of God. I wanted to have a bond, or at least be able to talk about my issues, but he wasn’t the person. ( and nobody was, so I had to deal with my issues alone.) And that prick tried to come at my neck so hard the next day ( which was Easter DAY 2003). All the kids were in the basement and when everyone that I didn’t really associate with started coming at me. HOLY trying to fit in, stands up and says" Yeah some boy likes Marcus".Everyone started laughing, and began saying things like," faggots only like faggots", and" you better watch yourself you know he’s going to try and turn you out". And my favorite," don’t drop the soap." I told HOLY off, and then his mom said I was being mean. It isn’t my fault I have a knack for telling people the truth about themselves, and on a deeper level than. "Your momma is so dumb that it takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes."


2. When I first got to high school, I wasn’t used to seeing lesbians being so open and free. They would kiss each other and public and dare someone to say something. So one day I mentioned to him that there are lesbians at my school and he said." EWWWW, why don’t you get transferred?" Yeah I don’t know how he’s going to get a college degree with that mindset.


Tonight we are going to this thing. I hope there is no drama, but there will be because we haven’t gone back since we left, and some people felt like we did that to spite them. WHATEVER. I need to go pray.


Tomorrow is going to be so much fun, me and KiKi are going out. We plan on getting clothes, food, mace( for rapers and crazy homeless folk) (The homeless downtown will try and cut you, you better have some mace.) We think that we might go to 7th and Arch.

For all those non-Philadelphians, that is the prison, and more recently it has become the prison in which Lil Kim will be serving her sentence. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could see her? What would I say to her? ( I’d probably get some tips, for when that shady heifer’s rumors come true lol)


I’m off to enjoy my life( or at least plan for the one outside this house.)


P.S. My grandmother’s lump in her breast is continually shrinking , and the doctor say that they might not have to take off a whole breast. But they can go in and take the cancer out. But my mother and her had a very interesting conversation, in which my grandmother said. Jesus visits her in person ( which I don’t believe to be strange) but that he is a 5 ft. man with a hunchback. My mother says that she argued, with her about the height of Jesus.


-Marz

TOP MODEL THURSDAY

Alright my show is back on, and boy is it. I love the new season the girls have wasted no time in getting bitchy, and catty. WHo do I want to win? Well it's a mixture, between NIk, Bre ( who I think look alike but one is darker), and Diane. NO it isn't because they are minorities but because they are killer. ( I do want Diane to win because she is the big girl. KILL IT BABY) I was not able to watch the second episode because of my nine o'clock bedtime but my favorties pictures are.

This is Diane the plus sized, Puerto Rican woman from Miami. OH yes, I like her pose, and her face is do I have to say anymore.
Alright then we have Nik, I saw it and I was like DAMN! Doesn't she look like a throwback super hero, like Black Power woman in the sixties lol. I love it and her closeup oh yes, those lips are an asset. Nik you better cash in on them at Wachovia. $ching ching$ ( Wait money doens't make that sound coins do lol)

Alright beyond top model, I am having issues. I have lost my motivation to do well in school. My motivation to be a top student is to get away from my parents, and live without their strict rules. If I get good grades and do extracurriculars then, I can go to a college far away for free, or reduced price. This should not be my reasons for doing good in school, I should want to do good because I want to do well. What is going to be my motivation in college? Nothing. I have to change my mindset. I don't want to live a life full of obligation, I do things because I have to. I want to have happiness in my life. Doens't everyone? Why can't I have it?

The answers aren't there and the reasons why are because, at the age of sixteen. I truly don't know what I like, what makes me happy, or I enjoy to do. I don't have fun in my life. and I won't be able to expirement in doing anything because of my parents. They don't allow me to do anything, I go to school, work, church, and extracurriculars, besides that I'm in the house. And they drive me insane. I need to find these things out, or when I leave I am going to be trying every little thing I can. which can be so very deadly.

No quotes today-Marz

-Marz

SHADY HOES

It has started up again, the shady hoes, are starting there mess. With me and everyone else.

First off, like I was saying in the summer. Since all my claasses are advanced I was going to be with the smart kids, who're bitchy and fake. They all don't like each other and talk about each other behind each others back and smile in each others faces. Everyone knows who doesn't like them, but still they try to be friends with them. They say stufff like I lknow that bitch don't like me, that's why i invited her to go shopping with me. does that make sense? I feel like I'm being drawn in, in a class of thrirty there are about sixty little cliiques and what not. And everyone wants to know who I like and don't like ( as in person not like dating), and trying to get me to join a clique. I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YALL TO BEGIN WITH. These kids are going to be the future business leaders. GOD HELP US ALL. I try to stay cool with everyone, and they keep trying to get me to tell them stuff about everyone else. This is a trap to get my name in something. Because everyone always brings gossip to me. GET OUT MY EAR TRICKS. How is someone going to be your friend and you're saying, "yeah she is my friend but the bitch can't dress, and I don't like her ass." I CAN'T STAND TWO FACED HOES. If I don't like you I will tell you and move on, I won't associate with you on a daily basis. I will speak and give you a smile, but that's all you're worth to me. I mean I undertsnad forgiveness and all, but I asked one girl," why dn't you like her?" " Because I just don't like her, and I hope she says something to me so we can fight." These kids are poison to my soul. I can't take it, I will not murder myself.

Also, in history my girlfriend gonna ask me if this really flamboyant boy is gay. I don't know, everyone says he is, but I don't really think he is. Although he fit the stereotype of a queen, that doesn't mean a damn thing. So then she jumps into, "Are you gay?" I am so through with that question my usual response would do," Are you?, DAmn". Then she goes on to say, that everyone keeps asking her, and she keeps telling them to ask me. That means a whole group of people are going to be asking me over the next month or so, it will drive me insane. I am going to lie of course. People want to know things, but they really don't care. No one really cares they just want a hot rumor for the day, and then I'll just become an easy target to talk about. I AM NOT GOING TO DO SOMETHING THAT DUMB TO MYSELF. Also this school has such a damn double standard that whooo yeah lesbians, but god hates fags. I am so through. I AM THROUGH WITH SCHOOL AND THE DRAMA, I AM ONLY HERE FOR MY EDUCATION. During second period I had to turn to some of the smart kids, and say" damn what is wrong with yall, always talking about who yall like and don't like. We are here to get an education, not to make friends." They responded," true we are here to get an education, but why can't we make friends after that." YALL AREN'T MAKING FRIENDS, YALL BACKSTABBING HOES.

I know that by me being in classes with the shady hoes, that by December there is going to be some drama in between me and some other kids. And they gonna start rumors, and try to pull that talk behind me back smile in my face shit. I WON'T HAVE IT. I will call you out, and tell you about yourself. And I think I know the heifer that is going to do it. This boy that is obviously in denial of his orientation, he is so bitchy and no one likes him. Even his best friend said she hates him, but he continues on talking about everyone. I think he likes me. ( When I was at Penn State this summer for this technology program. He roomed next door to me, and he came over to my dorm, and I was about to change or take off clothes for swimming. And he was standing in the doorway, staring at me.) I really believe he is going to start some noise about me. And I will have to punch my name out his mouth. But since I don't believe in fighting to solve problems. I will have to verbally smack my name out his mouth. THEY ARE BRINGING MY OLD EVIL WAYS BACK TO ME. I don't want to be that bitch that is always on the hunt to lower the self-esteem of someone I don't like or doesn't like me. But I mean he is there and if he has to make his appearnce, the door will open. And the icy bitch will step out, and no one will be ahppy. (including me)

Imma let my light shine brihgt, to keep the shady hoes away. Because the dark is afraid of the light. RUN BITCHES RUN.

On another note: i am so mad that O'So Krispie won whatever. Tomorrow will be our first top model thursday YAYYYY. I need to pray.

Lord give me the strength to shine my light on the shady hoes, and keep them back from me. I don't want my soul to be poisoned. A body with a dying soul is a perosn on their way to becoming nothing. I don't want to be that person again, guard my ears, mouth, and eyes from evil.

-Marz

A very long weekend

Alright, this week was very busy.

Saturday, I finished my written drafts for my project. While watching the new season of cartoons. I love Loonatics unleashed it will never be Looney Tunes, but in reality they really aren't trying to do the same thing. I then cleaned my room, to get my miniscule allowance, so I could go to a training downtown. I get there, and I looked good. I walked into the room, and I'm the oldest one there, all the other TLA's( teen leadership assistants) looked like they were 12. They looked all counfused not knowing where or who they were. My heart went out to them, but then I had to take it back. I had a project to type up. I typed up my project during the training, I already took the training so I didn't need it. I saved it as a draft on my hotmail. I had scheduled a computer in the library for 3 and the training was over at 2:30. I get to the conputer and my essay isn't there, I was mad. I did all this stuff, and I made it worse. Because I could have gotten my essay, but, it was too late. I printed out what I had and went to Border's. I swear there is nothing to do in this city. I HATE THIS CITY WITH THE PASSIONS OF CHRIST. I must leave and get a change in my life. As I stood and read James Earl Hardy's book, and listened to Vivian Green's four good songs on her last cd. My conscious is in my head saying,"you need to go home","you're parent siwll be worried." I listened to that trick. And left and went home, I get there and my parents weren't there. They didn't even get home until around 7:30 with all these vegetables.

Our church is going on a fast, and all we can't eat meat. I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE. Who knows I might live, I almost threw myself down the steps( like I was possessed) on Friday when I couldn't fry up some fish. I WANT SOME MEAT.

I sat on the computer and tried to write another essay. I TOTALLY forgot about the soul train awards. I turned it on when Aretha was coming out, and singing her duo with Stevie. I was so mad because the whole time she was singing. my mom, and sister were yelling at each other. "Will yall shut that noise till Aretha is done." I had to say, then my mom kept going on about how back then people had to sing, dance, and they just couldn't get a record deal. Yes that's true, but it does not need a half hour conversation. it was funny though when my sister said that Stevie Wonder couldn't dance, how'd he get a record deal. And I said he could dance if they put a glass cage around that stage. I AM SO WRONG. I don't think Amerie should've won that award. I personally don't think she can sing, dance, or take a picture. They try to market her as if she's sexy. She's not sexy, everyone can't be sexy, she's more like pretty, cute, with a touch of beauty, but not sexy. AMERIE JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE WEARING SLUTTY CLOTHES THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE SEXY. But I love "Touch" it is so freaky

Don't be afraid to touch, I know you think I'm a good guy. Don't you think a boy like me should be touched?

And boy did she mess up that video.

Another thing that boiled my blood was a commercial I saw.

DID YALL SEE IT?

50 Cent is making a movie. i don't understand why these people who have made two cd's are making a movie. Who gives a rat's ass about 50. Then we are brought back to the Awards show, where we see Aretha can we make a movie about her? I mean they were supposed to make a movie about Jimi Hendrix, but they couldn't get his music released. These are the folks that need a movie chronicling their life, not Curtis Jackson. I was through, I finished my paper, and went to bed.

SUNDAY

I went to church as usual, I left feeling all peaceful, and calm. I usually work myself into frenzies for no reason about my grades. Because, I see every paper, essay, homework as my ticket to college. I must have a high GPA, otherwise the good colleges won't want me, and I won't be able to get a scholarship. I must leave Philly, i must leave my parents. I must begin to live my life. I don't have one now, And I am just walking around dead inside. And it's not cute at all. RUN FROM THE GAY ZOMBIE, FEAR ME. lol

After chuirch we went to the library to print my essay. I don't really think it's original, anyone could've written it. It's a very generic essay. But it will do. But I printed out the same essay twice, when it was two different essays I needed, when did I find out, when I was in the car watching the library close. I was mad.

My dad drives buses now, his crazy schedule has begun and whatever and it hasn't affected me. Because I'm never home myself. But he gave my sister,mom, and I passes so we could catch his bus, and ride with him during his route. I wanted to go, but my mom didn't know exactly what bus to catch. So she was going to sit in the hot sun in the hood, waiting for his bus to come on down the road, which could've been any old time. I said no, I went home, read from a f ew books. Worked out.

Sidebar on working out: Alright, I have new goals, now that I know that it is possible for me to be well not as big as my other family members. I have new goals for my body, I want to be banging for Spiritfest. What is Spiritfest? It's this day in May, when our school goes to this pool, slash fun park, but it's not an amusement park. I haven't gone the last two years, because, of my low self-esteem and worrying about who may say what about my bigness in the pool. ( Even though I wasn't that big, it was all me telling me this. I realized that sometimes, we hate on ourselves more than anyone else.) I want to go this year and take off my shirt, and have all the haters try to jump on my dick. GET OFF HONEY IT'S REACHED IT'S MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF PEOPLE. But I am proud of me I went from a 38 waist in June to a 34 now. I still weigh the same amount though. HMMM But I look good. He will be my motivation, along with them.


Then I watched some television, I had a really healthy dinner. That was ruined when my parents brought home pizza. I swear they want me to be as big as them.

I saw a picture of him today, and I had to remember my first love. ZANE COPELAND. ( If those jeans were a little lower. MY LAWD)

MONDAY

I went to school, I almost stayed up for all of History, but then he turned the lights out. And I went with them, I want to stay up so badly, but the room is at that temperature, and his voice, and the lights off. ZZZZZZZZz.

My counselor sent my pic to the boy, she was trying to hook me up with. He said I was a cutie pie, but he's 19. I was thinking the same thing, before she sent my picture. But we would look really good together, our pics complimented each other so well. OH well.

BREAKING NEWS: MS. McMillian doens't have HIV. ( Sorry I'm reaing an article in the October ESSENCE.) I wonder if she would've got tested if he cheated on her with a woman.??????? ( let me stop trying to stir something up.)

I need to relax but I have so much to do.

I remember when I used to pray for God to make me a normal boy. ( You know straight.) But then I realized, that normality is, a nothing man with AIDS, why fuck with it.-Marz

-Marz

HEYY

OH MY LAWD I MUST LEARN TO PLAY THE GUITAR.

I should be back posting next week, I am so busy.

-Marz

SEPTEMBER 14,2005

Did anyone watch House last night with LL COOl J? Didn't you just want him to lick his lips (they were extra crusty looking lol). It so turned me off, especially when he was pooping blood. OH NO LL. Can we get him back under a waterfall, telling me to,"touch it why doncha." That's right he was talking to me, yall better step off my man.

Sike. ( But don't make me hafta cutcha. As my grandmother would say.)

Alrighty then. I got a really good nights' sleep last night, which is very unusual. I was late today, and I can't be late anymore this year. I will not be like last year late 51 times. ( I know it is a mess.) I am going to be taking classes at Community College of Philadelphia, starting in the spring. I plan on contuing to go until spring 07. Which is through the summer and everything. I want to be able to start college, in my second year.

School, is getting so extra busy. I was given four books for one class. DAMN HONORS ENGLISH lol. I was given," Their eyes were watching god". I really like it so far. All my classes are equivalent to first year of college, and I see why college is so hard. There was supposed to be a fight, because, this boy called a girl a bitch. And she told her cousin, so who knows. My guidance counselor knows I'm gay. ( I admitted to her that one of her previous students ( who's also gay) is cute aloud. After she asked me about what I thought of him.) I think she is going to try and hook us up. What will happen with that? Who knows.

Work, Kim isn't here, and Nikki is acting very nice. She usually acts nice, but when she gets in her moments she shows her true face. I wasn't big on helping the kids, but, today I helped a girl. And I explained it like a professional. Could I be a teacher in the making? Hell no. I don't like kids, and I didn't like me as a kid. But I have been thinking that when I get my Spanish degree I could become a Spanish teacher. My Spanish teacher inspired my heart, and he was sexy.

Nikki has seen why I am here. In the last few days, she has asked me to help her out with numerous things. But I'm not unindustrious. PLEASE. The patrons in the library are loving that I'm back. But there were a whole bunch of hoodrat kids today. They came in and didn't know what to do. Reading escapes the walls of their minds. The other staff had to kick a few out. I want to know why the hoodrats are always so cute. Why can't they be ugly, and why are the smart boys so ugly. Or really cute and straight. DAMN THE LOGIC OF THE WORLD. I mean why can't there be another cute gay smart boy, . ( But then again who said I was smart or cute. LOL Who the hell am i kidding), besides me in this damn library at one time. If only I could catch the person taking out James earl hardy books, but women read those too. I'M ALL SCREWED UP. But, I was brought back into why i love my job again. I am being paid to go to SAT Prep, and I can get tutoring for any of my classes, and get paid for me to go to tutoring. If that isn't one of the sweetest things to get paid for. I LOVE MY JOB.

That boy was really cute, i think I'm going to bite the bait (with my counselor).

OH and me and KiKi have a date next Saturday, it is going to be so much fun. We are going into Gay Philly, I will make sure that I look exceptionally flyy. LOL. So much is going to happen, last time, this homeless man was trying to get us, and we had to run from him. We have so much fun together.

People have you gotten the new cover of Jet yet. ( Since I work in the library I see all the new mags first.) It has Mr. Kodjoe, and Ms. Parker, and their baby. Me and Kiki have decided that she looks nice. But it's going to be hard for her. Because she is pretty and her parents are beautiful, she is never going to out-beautify them. I mean if Mr. kodjoe had hooked up with some ugly chick everyone would be hating on her. But Ms. Parkers' got it, and I know she won't be losing it. Just them eyes are like MY LAWD. ( Hmmm, I wonder if he's good in bed, anyone got Nicole Parker's number.) ( OMG why does she have the same name as Mo'nique on the Parker show LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL)

AM I CRAZY?

As you can see my mind is a jumble right now. Tomorrow will be all about the Children of Destiny.

To say that me liking males is my, Sexual orientation. Is to say that i am not mentally, physically, emotionally,socially,and spiritually orientated towards males. Which I am. And seeing as those are the five aspects of health. I would say that if it was only my sexual orientation, I'd be an unhealthy person. Now wouldn't I be?-Marz

P.S. but I'm extremely healthy.

-Marz

SIMPLE

Today i am feeling very smple, I'm am receiving joy from simple things. And am just being simple. ( In a good way)

I got a good night's sleep.

Had a good breakfast.

I am doing good today.

And I don't look a hot mess, like yesterday.

Prisonbreak is my new favortie television show. ( Until top model, arrested development, and desperate housewives starts.) That Latino cellmate, OMG, and that girl gonna stop with the sex visits. BOO I"D BE THERE EVERYDAY. But he makes faces when he's showing any emotions and they are uigly. ( He is beautiful when he smiles).I'd just have to throw a pillow over his face as I ride ride ride. " oh boo, you can't breathe? I'm smothering you. Well, will you stop scaring me with those faces? "lol. It's funny how television lowers our standards. Had me up kissing the tv( I ain't shamed to admit it) of a criminal. Lord knows, I don't want no criminal ass man, in jail talking bout." Yeah boo, we gon move to Canada when I get out, and we gon get married. " He seemed to have forgotten the part," Umm, yeah you gon to have to support my broke ass, because, they ain't gon to give a convict a job" ( Not saying convicts don't get jobs, but these aren't petty crimes for the men in that jail.) . Also just the fact that we all want them to escape from prison ( at least I do). But the show is sooo good, I swore that crazy dude was trying to rape Michael when he was ripping his shirt. Also that hick man, and the other men. Were they planning on pulling a train on Michael? I need to find this out. And was the man that was killed by the black drug man. The hick man's boyfriend?

I got this cd of Nikki Giovanni reading her poetry in where else, Philadelphia. ( But for real though I am tired of this damn city. Philly is so boring, or maybe it's my parents that make me have this view. HMMM something to simmer on.) Her voice is so different from what i imagined it to sound like. she reads her poetry, like a book. I was like, damn girl I could perform that better than you did. MS. GIOVANNI NO OFFENSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. It just takes a while to get accustomed to her way of perfroming. I'm used to Def Jam stuff, with all the emotion and drama and what not. But I still love it. she has this poem about riding dick(well that's the underlying theme.) I was in the kitchen screaming "go head girl, giddyap." ( Giddyap is the name of the poem.)

I am calmed today, it is different than yesterday, I know what needs to get done. And I intend on making it happen. I like feeling at peace, and all serene. Let me go eat anad get ready for two periods of Algebra 2.

-Marz

Conversations with A George Bush supporter

That's right these are several conversations held with a voter and supporter(even after the recent events) of George Bush. This person is a black, woman, and a democrat. It's funny how we choose against our own political party the same way we do our race ??? ( Sorry typing aloud.)

( Before the elections, W is the woman)
M:So who are you going to vote for?
W: George Bush
M: Why? Haven't you seen how he's screwed up this country over the last few years.
W: Well him and his wife are saved, and he has Jesus. and besides he receives to much flack. He is someone that will stand up for the morals of America. He won't instate gay marriage like that Kerry.
M: Well they say in four years that Ms Clinton will be running will you vote for her.
W: Oh no I won't be voting for her either. She will do anything to get a vote. I will not vote for someone that will compromise the morals of America to win. ( She is again talking about instating gay marriage.)

( The night of the election)
M: So who did you vote for?
W: George Bush
M: You make no sense
W: Whatever

( Around last week)
M: WHy did you vote for George Bush again, you see what your presidentt has done for America nothing.
W: Well his wife is saved.
M: What does his wife being saved have to do with anything?
W: Well if somehting happens to Amrica she can pray and lead him in what to do by what God says.
M: SHe is not running this country he is, and her being saved makes no difference in how he acts.
W: Well it's good to know that there is a Christian in the White House. Someone that will pray, and has Jesus.
M: Mrs. Bush is not in the White House, she is not the one making decisison for America.

(Friday after hearing some things at Teen zone meeting)
M: Guess what Mrs. Bush said?
W: What did she say?
M: Well her words paraphrased were that since the people in New Orleans are below the poverty line they should be happy in the Superfome, because, it's above their normal living.
W: Oh well that's nopt right
M: I thought you said she was so saved
W: Well, I believe you but I have to hear the ontext in which she said this.
(Which context could she say this without it being wrong)
M: What are you talking about, she said those words, and that's not chirstlike which the word Christian means.
W: You're right it's not. But agian they always try to make her and her husband look bad. I'm sure it was quoted out of context and she didn't mean it that way.
(I wonder if this person would have the same views about the bibles "supposed" saying about homosexuality.)
M:Well you sadi that you vited for her husband because she is saved. Nad now you see that sheb isn't as saved as you said
W: WEll, again I have to see what the context was, but yes that is wrong I can't believe Barbara.

CAN ANY OF US BELIEVE BARBARA?

(sunday)
W: I couldn't get to sleep last night. I had this dream that a motorcade was trying to run over George Bush. And that all these peopple were trying to shoot him. I was running through the streets with a gun and George Bush. And I was the only one trying to protect him.
M:HE NEEDS TO GET SHOT AN IF YOU'RE PROTECTING HIM YOU SHOULD TOO.

The lengths we'll go toto keep gay marriage from being instated.

Today, I look a hot mess, a hot hot mess. I have work without Kim but with Nikki, what will happen? I NEED SOME SLEEP

-Marz

MY SEPTEMBER 11th STORY

First off, I would like to say how proud I am of my Americans. Four years ago, everyone felt as if we were doomed, and we joined together. And we made something happen.But then when you think how that sort of escalated to the war. And the whole case about pre-warnings, and how we have screwed over Katrina victims I must begin to frown.

My story:

It was about my fifth day of seventh grade. I was in school. It felt like I had been there longer, because I was with the same kids from fifth grade. Lunch had just ended and my class was coming downstairs. When one girls' mom was on the steps and grabbed her daughter's arm. She then yells," Come on girl get your stuff, they're blowing up America". This stirs panic in all of us children, we run to our homeroom. Our teacher is yelling for us to calm down. I and everyone else wants to know, do we get out of school.

She turns on this news channel, and they show downtown Philly. There are all these people running down Market St, screaming like in Godzilla. ( It was funny at the time, because known of us knew what was happening.) They let us out of school yayyy. My friends and I waited outside the school for one another.Once everyone was there we were off. We walked extremely slow home. We got out at around 10:30. We stopped at stores and played around, and got home in our own good time.

When I got home, no one was there. I knew it would be a while for my sister, because her school is farther than mine. And my mom worked an hour and a half from Philly, and I didn't know whether or not my dad was coming home from work. I went and got a snack and turned on the television, that's when I saw it. The airplanes flying into the buildings, and then there were officials trying to determine where the terrorist were going to fly next. They said that they might fly to the gas reserves in Philly, I live a few miles from the gas tanks (They look like big tubs of crisco, and they hold gasoline for Sunoco and other gas companies.) If they hit that I would die, and so would a great majority of Philly. My mom got home with my sister, and she(mom) was asking where was I. Because she was driving around our neighborhood looking for me.

My sister, mother , and I then sat and watched the news. I remember this one "witty" newscaster who said something like. "Yes today is 911, and it's in the date, we should have called the po9lice." The next day we didn't have school and that was good. I remember my dad made sure to get the newspapers from that day and like the whole next week. He says," they'll be worth something one day". And they will, and he kept saying things like, yall have to remember this, you're the future. Your grandchildren will have projects on this day, and you've experienced this part of history, and you can share it with them. I felt bad, about the whole thing. but I didn't know anyone in New York. So it didn't really affect me personally.

what came from the attacks?

Church was filled that week, everyone repenting and trying to get right with God. The whole church kept saying," Didn't you see how the dust formed the devil's face.""These are the signs of the time, Jesus is coming back soon". . I did't see it at all, but everyone else said they could make it out. God Bless America was started and everyone, joined together under the name of God. Becuase they realized who they needed at that time. But that time has passed and they've left. People then were saying that this was to get people to serve God again.. I don't know.

Tomorrow I will have clips from a few conversations with a voter of George Bush it will be very interesting. And if it's not long enough I think I'll include why I hate the school nurse.


-Marz

Work

As I have previously wrote I work at the library. It started on the 7th, I
wasn't going to go, because I was supposed to go to a concert.

"Supposed to" are the main words. lol

Sidebar: Alright people. Has anyone seen the cover of elle? ( I believe it's
elle) With Ms. Spears on the cover, is she not killing? Alhough her belly is
all out there. GO HEAD MS. SPEARS REPRESENT FOR THE PREGNANT WOMEN. Although since watching her little show with her husband has shown that she is extremely dumb. Also, I have been mentioning Mr. West comments, and no one at all knows about his denounce homophobia statements. I will make an end to that, I will be writing an article for that teen zone ( which I need to write about our last meeting) website. Also, I see why no heterosexuals want to speak out, everytime I say something. They start going into how he must be gay and trying to make the blow less hurtful.

Alright so, on the first day of work. I get there at 4:10. Kim, ( the new boss) comes into the back, and her first words after a whole summer are," You're late we'll talk later". DON'T GREET ME LIKE THAT. I sign in and go out to the magazine section. It was truly a mess, everything thown askew. I started putting up books, and talking to my coworker/friend KiKi.

I told her what Kim said, and how I'm not late. Because we didn't establish a time that I was supposed to be there. And I usually get there at the time I did, and that's good because my school is across the city. 9 I really do make good time I have to run to the train though lol)

Then Kim comes into the magazine section and tells me to come with her so we can talk. She takes me to the children's section, and introduces me, to my immediate boss. She is cool, I talked to her and she's alright. Kim asks me,"So why were you late?" I used my nice "negro-addressing-massa-voice". " Because my school is across the city, and the trolley is detoured. ( You would think she knows that because she takes the same trolley. And it has been detoured for the whole summer.) Then she asks," Will you get here around this time everyday?" I answer yes. Then she goes off to tell me, that I'm there for the children and everything else is extra. ( Extra is:shelving, magazines, bettering the library.) She is new and messing up the flow, the library looks a damn mess. And all the people who do the "extra" work, are busy doing other things.

With my old boss, when the children didn't need help. We had to stay busy or she would make us do something crazy ( Once she had me on a ladder vaccuming water from around the sockets.) All the children there were on the computer, and I was trying to do something else to help the overall flow of the library. Now I have to ask Kim, and my immediate boss, before I do something that is "extra". IT'S NOT EXTRA IT'S REGULAR STUFF.

I go into the back during Kim's break, ( that's like my break because no one else is going to say anything , and there was one child there under five.) I talk to another one of my co-workers/friends. Our conversation:

F: Hey child, how've you been. You look like you lost some weight.

M: I did I'm fine.

F: You got taller too. Let me see where I am now

( She then stands next to me, then she sees that I have a little facial hairs.)

M: Let me tell you how Kim. Addressed me.

F: How?

M: She comes into the back after not seeing me for three months. and says you're late we'll talk later. How dare she adress me like that.

F: What the bitch was late herself. How dare she say something to you. And I mean Paula knew the circumstances of why you came in when you did. And she could've pulled up your timesheets from last year to see what time you come in.

My older co-workers always say things like this that get me thinking like yeah she could've.

I went back outside and since there are no children. I stood there for three hours with nothing to do. When I say stood there, I STOOD THERE. With nothing to do. All the patrons that know me were like heyy welcome back. I love the patrons since I have great customer service and bring smiles, they all like me. About five minutes before my shift let out. All the staff(minus Kim) were at the front desk talking ( no one was in the library). They were saying how they were mad that I can't help in stuff like shelving, because the library gets extra crowded and busy and they need help. ( I didn't realize it, but I looked at the number on the turnstile and we had 76,261 patrons that day. And that's the normal number.) Then the security guard comes over and says that she doesn't want me behind the circulation desk.( I wasn't behind it, he was trying to explain why she didn't want me doing "extra".) Then the rest of the people were like, we don't want him behind the counter, but that doesn'tmean he can't shelve books. Then he was like, why can't he shelve books.

THIS IS WHAT ALL OF US WANT TO KNOW.

The answer the trick NIKKI. KiKi told me Nikki had this long discussion with Kim. Nikki didn't want me rehired, because she is a racist sexist old woman who will never be loved( except by her cats that only use her for food). She doesn't like me for some other reason, and instead of Kim making her own decision about me. She is going to listen to Nikki. YOU ILLOGICAL TRICK. If I was such a bad worker, would the patrons, and staff be so happy to see me back. Would I have been re-hired by my real boss? ( That's right Nikki doesn't even come into contact with me, but she has so much to say about how bad a worker I am.) I mean the library looked nothing like what it did, when I was there before the summer. Well guess what I am back in the flesh baby. I think that I can get Nikki to call me a "nigger", she has a really bad temper. Then I can get her fired.

The way that Kim is treating me is making me not like her ass. Especially since she is her age, and can't mak her own decisions about people. I want her and Nikki out. I know that I can get Nikki out. But Kim will be tricky. Luckily she is out this week for vacation or something. And my co-workers say that she is really sickly. They said that she will be in the bathroom for two hours. And then come out and take a nap. WHO"S THE BAD WORKER THERE?

And now that I think of it. How am I a bad worker? I came in at my regular time. And went straight to work, should I sit around and collect a paycheck for doing nothing, because no children were there. While the library looks a mess, how is that helpful to our patrons. DAMN YOU NIKKI. And since Kim isn't there this week Nikki will be the boss, fireworks will ensue.

-Marz

TGIF

In high school Fridays mean so many things. But, it all boils down to four
main things.

1.Dress down Friday is number one. All throughout the week we must wear our
uniforms.(Which everyone still manages to conforms to fit their style.)
But on Friday we show out. The boys ( for the most part) they wear their
miniskirts and some jeans. But today I have noticed that the new trend are
the t-shirts with the iron on messages. The messages all take something and
add a hood spin to it. Like hustler's depot which from afar looks like a
Home depot shirt. And hood gum that advertises that their hood is sucka
free. The boys have no sense of style.Now the girls the way they hook it up
is by first picking two colors.( Lets's say they pick red and yellow) They
would wear red sunglasses, with yellow earrings, red necklace, and you get
the point. Hook up the two colors. The controversy comes in when the girls
announce what color they'rer wearing and another girls wears that color.
Then it's like," How dare that bitch wear my colors". Then they try to get
some outlandish colors( but they still hook it up). It's very rare that
someone will try to do three colors. I do three colors often, because, I got
it like that. Today I am rocking blue and green. And like all my senior girl
friends are walking up to me ( and since thye haven't seen me because it is
still the first week) they're like," heyy wassup, damn you look flyy". Let
me tell yall how at the lkibrary I found these glasses in the lost and
found, and I told my coworkers if no one claimed it I would take it, and a
month and a week passed.NO ONE CLAIMED IT. They're mine now, and I am
wearing them they're so extra flyy. And now that I'm here at dress down
friday, and I'm being told I am looking flyy. I have been awakened to
shopping, and dressing again. I drew out three outfits in English class, I
will be killiing it. But, I want to shop and express me, I don't want to
wear something to try and meet the new style. I MUST GO SHOPPING. I also
need a gay friend to shop with. It's on my to do list. First I need a nap.

2.Freak me Friday. The girls and boys go to their sex partners, and they
light it up on fridays in high school. Come to school on Monday glowing and
happy. That's why I'm so dim and angry on Monday( and always now I think opf
it lol). lol After school they go to whoevers house get some dick, or pussy(
whatever melts their butter and seasons their grits.) Then they go to work
or somewhere.

3.WORK. Many of the boys don't have ( legal) jobs. My friends are holding
down a job,and so am I. Friday means PAYCHECK. Oh yes, their is nothing that
makes me happier than the interior of wachovia, with the cut banker licking
his lips and giving me looks. I love it. Can I have an envelope please?( for
the money that I worked for HAYYYYY)

4. It's the beginning of something fun that they're going to do over the
weekend.

I don't do anything fun at all. I live this sheltered closed, restricted
life,and it gets on my last nerves. Can I have something to do on the
weekend besides nothing. I NEED SOMETHING TO DO TOMORROW.

P.S. Today I was looking at the freshman I think there is a gay one. i must investigate. I will be talkihng to gorgeous next week, about how hhe passed ap us history, and how he stayed awake. That will be some great convo, that will keep our hopeful hookup senior year possible. ( am i a mess or what?)

-Marz

IF I HAD A HAMMER

If I had a hammer
I'd hammer in the morning,,
I'd hammer in the evening
All over this land
I'd hammer out danger
I'd hammer out a warning,
I'd hammer out love between
My brothers and my sisters
All over this land.


If I had a hammer
I'd break the jaws of ignorance
and heal them with knowledge

I'd swing my hammer between.
Mr. Bush's legs
and
he wouldn't flinch

I would knock on the doors of heaven
and inquire
who
exactly wull burn eternally

If I had a hammer
the handle would be from Africa
dark, strong, proud
Ya know
the qualities African Americans are missing today
The handle would be made of diamond

Because saying they are only a girls best friend is
sexist

If I had a hammer
I'd hammer houses for the Katrina victims
I'd hit the water and it would fly
into the sky
and make Mars inhabitable

I'd smash the skulls of
thousands of pigs
create a fire
and they'd have good eating that night

If I had a hammer
Caucasians would try to
arrest me
saying
I'm a danger to soceity
or rather it would be the level of my pigment?

If I had a hammer
heterosexuals
would claim faggots don't know what to do with a hammer
I'd show them

I'd hammer in the midday because
Lee Hays and Pete Seeger missed that time
I'd hammer peace
across the world
that's what needs to be hammered out
PEACE BE STILL

If I had a hammer
I'd hammer in the morning,,
I'd hammer in the evening
All over this land
I'd hammer out danger
I'd hammer out a warning,
I'd hammer out love between
My brothers and my sisters
All over this land.

Lyrics and music by Lee Hays and Pete Seeger (1949)

I felt poetic today

-Marz

KATRINA&GORGEOUS

The city that loves you back, (That's right, yall must have not gotten the memo, but we are no longer the city of Brotherly love. It promoted ill values, of acceptance, and unbiased judgement, and you know how Americans are. We can't promote something that positive, I mean what's our country without isms? America before the Europeans found it.) We have opened our doors to Katrina victims. Two schools, have had showers, beds, and all the necessities of life installed. They will receive medical attention and sponsorship while in Philly. There is controversy in Philadelphia over this though.

People in lower classes, who have been trying to receive a section 8 house. Are not receiving their houses, because they are moving people from Louisiana into those houses.(At least that is what was said.) I do believe that it's wrong to just jump in front of people that have been in that list for forever. But I mean at least they have a house now, those people have next to nothing. I will be donating to Wanamaker and help those people. But I want to know why they picked a very crime filled part of the city to place these people. Bring them from flood troubles to be assaulted, raped, and murdered. Can we put them up in the hills?


Todays song is needed in America today.


Also, throughout this time I have found attained a huge dislike for newscasters. The way they are so fake, one second they're sad talking about Katrina, the next they're happy talking of our good weather. CAN YOU PORTRAY ONE EMOTION AND GIVE ME THE NEWS. IF I WANT ACTING I'LL TURN ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. ( damn even them girls keep the same emotions up and don't change back and forth.)

Alright today I saw Gorgeous, he grew a couple inches. ( In his stature lol) and his beard is so sexy. He looked all rugged. Me and Gorgeous's history is this.

We met freshman year, he was in my biology class. He was cute then, but he wore classes, but it gave him a booksmart look but not nerdy book smart. He gave me strong signals all year, that had me questioning his orientation. But it didn't really come down to it until. One day he sat behind me( his seat was moved or something.) and he put his foot on the back of my chair. I was sitting their and all of a sudden there is something on the lips of my ass. I jumped, because it was so sudden, then I turn and looked at him. Because he was basically toeing me( like fingering, but with a toe) my behind. He gave me this smile like, "turn the hell around and feel my boot". Alright then, later on in the year we were watching the movie," The miracle of life". The movie that at the end shows the woman giving birth. So when they show the penis under the heat thing. To show how hot the testicles are, then show how a penis gets hot when it becomes erect. So it was basically porn, because it was a penis getting hard. I put my head down so I wouldn't sit there and stare and get this smile. Like oh yeah baby. ( and besides I felt the eyes of everyone in the classroom on me, trying to see how I would react.) I looked over (he sat next to me then) and he gave me this look, this puppy dog look. I was like why he giving me looks. Then he grabbed my arm and started playing with my hand, and like rubbing my palm. Then he took my watch off, and went to the bathroom.

Are you confused?

I sure the hell was. When he came back. l I took my watch back and that was all for that day. ( I was hoping that he did some freak stuff with my watch. You know like rub himslef on it. I don't know, I am so weird) He is my little crush, but he's not the type of crush that you want to be boyfriends with. I just want to tap his ass, and maybe receive the same. Oh WAIT. I decided that with him, I wanted to bite the small of his back, and suck his belly button out( it is so cute you have to see it.)

Sophomore year, he lost the glasses, and all these girls jumped on his pipe. Plus, the fact that he's funny he brings a lot of attention to himself. I am sort of glad he's not in any of my classes this year, because, I would sit in chemistry thinking of what we could do in the lab after school. ( and of course other boys. I have to keep myself interested in school when it gets boring. And I go to porn land, were I make little scenarios, and pornos in my head. They are the best) But I did love stealing glances at him in gym, ( I am so happy that the showers are broke, because if they weren't I would have to fight once a week. lol " WHY YOU LOOKING AT MY DICK?" LOL)


But there is this freshman boy that has great looks. his body is so mature for his age. ( I would love to see his maturity lol) He is going to stimulate so many clitorii through out high school, it isn't even funny. He had the sluttish seniors looking at him. And that means something, their standards are very high for a bunch of hoes. I have to watch myself, because I find him turning my head, and people are going to notice my head being urned. OH yeah, and I underestimated my popularity, people saw me today. And they were like, "I was asking if anyone saw you, wassup." I guess I am a little popular, I mean people do know me and I try to stay cool with everyone. I have no enemies, if I don't like you I won't associate with you, so that our dislike can escalate to something crazy. So i am on a cool basis with our whole class, everyone else either hates me because. I'M AN ABOMINATION. Or because they don't know me.


Today is my first day of work. I will talk of that tomorrow because, so much happened in it.

It takes a village to raise a child.-African Proverb

It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a city to raise a teenager. And it takes a state to raise a man. Maybe that's why only fifty real men exist every generation. Are you one of them?-Marz

-Marz

MY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

I am sorry to my readers about the lacking in my posting recently. I had a very emotion filled weekend, and today I started school. How was school, it was so good.

I am a junior, and I knew who I was, and didn’t have to pretend to be anyone, it was great. We have a new advisor teacher, and I would rather have my old advisor. I have honors English, then AP Chemistry, then Health, gym, or art ( depending on the day), next is AP US History( which I didn’t sign up for but still, got that’s wassup. But I detest the teacher, that bastard took my MP3 player, but I will forgive him.), lunch, then two long periods, of back to back of Algebra 2. That is until January when I will be taking two extra long of back to back periods of elementary functions. ( And at the end of the day too, my lawd.)


No one really commented on me losing weight except this one boy,( who I suspect to be bi or something, but if he was I wouldn’t be sweating him. Is it wrong to only care if someone is gay if you want to get with them? I don’t know.) He says," WOW you got really skinny". I didn’t know how to respond, yes I lost some weight , but I am not a skinny toothpick boy. But my friends were like," you look good", then they started commenting on how I’m a working man and blah.


My girls are surrounded in all my classes I love them so much. And RA RA didn't leave and she sits behind me in two classes( you know because of alphabetical order.) I am so happy abou that. My classes don’t really have any boys that are like whoa, one has this boy that I think of freaky things to do with him, but I want Gorgeous. Gorgeous is this boy who is well, gorgeous. Ill write of him tomorrow maybe.


Being a junior is so different, everyone knows who they are, and how they’re going to be. People aren’t acting as fake, as they were in freshman year. I really like this feeling of maturity.


I got all the classes and teachers, and children I wanted I am good.


I can’t believe that I was assigned homework on the first day, and he had the audacity to give us this fifteen lb. Book. ( And my bookbag today was one of those cute shoulder bags.) But I’m going to have to bring out the industrial sized backpack.


I am happy to be back with my friends, and am sort of ready to get this year started and through with. Because truly over the last few days I was motivated on a reason to get better grades then I’ve ever received before. TO GO TO A COLLEGE FAR FAR AWAY. They are getting on my last nerves. LAST NERVES. I need this motivation, because, I get really lazy in school.


Another thing I realized today, I always sit in the class with the kids who cry over their grades, and put them on a pedestal. Like they are smarter than me, or as they are Harvard’s elite, and I’m some kid who snuck past security. I realized that I am always with them, and I am one of them. I have to be in the top twenty of the class. ( We will find out my ranking soon though lol. I’m scared)


I’m off to do my homework, and prepare for tomorrow. ( I already don’t feel like going back, maybe I should get sick.)

PS I am being a bad ass, (again) I got this book called Passion Marks. I started it like two years ago, and now I can read it in my time. I really think it will be good, it's a gay, black novel, that involves an abusive relationship.Hopefully, it's not found ( but I don't think it will be.)

-Marz

today is the last day before school. LAbor Day. What exactly is labor day?
When me and my sister were little we would say it is the day that women go
into labor. This holiday was just made up for nop apparent reason, but, I am
going to research and see if it has a meaning.

CHURCH PAINS 2

I was truly saddened today...


Saddened that I have taken so many steps backwards, believing that my spitirtuality and sexuality can not coexist in my being.

I WILL NOT BE FORCED TO CHOOSE.

The events that led to these feelings today are too many to write about.


"I recently attended the funeral of a minister. There were all of these pastors and bishops there, talking of how great this minister was. How much he has done. These ministers are well known too, up there praising the works of a homosexual"-My Pastor

I am too sad, and angry too comment, I need to pray, and let my soul recooperate.

-Marz

Popularity and my social status

Popularity in high school. It’s amazing what some people will do to attain it, and be known as popular. After all my analyzing, I have boiled popularity down to one point. Confidence. It takes confidence to be a popular person, to know that no matter what, you are you. You have nothing to hide and you dare someone to challenge who you are. I lack this type of confidence in my orientation and other things at school. But even if I did have it ( confidence) I wouldn’t be popular.

People, tonights’ music is from Kanye’s new cd. It is one of those cds that basically every song has someone rapping or singing with him. ( and you know these people are on his cd, because they were on his.) I like the songs I’ve heard so far. Gold Digger, Bring me Down,( doesn't Brandy sound a mess, lord bless her voice.)and Hey Mama. (I like this one.)

The most popular boy in my class(‘07 don’t hate.). Has tons of confidence, able to say whatever he wants and no one will challenge him. He has admitted to washing every other day, liking Avril Lavigne, ( when everyone wants to act like they only listen to gangsta rap.), and he wears brands like Aeropostale. ( But he adds a hood spin on it.) He has my vote for most popular in our year book.


What event would win?


Maybe always is smiling( I smile a LOT in school), most quiet, or maybe best dressed.


With the best dressed thing, every Friday is dress down Friday. Almost all the boys wear, their white miniskirts, with some jeans. I ( along with a small few) wear different things. All the girls say that the butch lesbians, make the boys look like trash in dressing. But I believe they are only referring to the other boys.


In school I am quiet, I don’t talk to many people. I realized that I am at school, to get an education. Anything extra is just, extra. I have friends though lol. My friends are ( for the most part) every girl in ‘07. Girls are just on a higher echelon of thinking, they talk of different topics, and are just banging. Now the boys are a different story. The boys at my school all talk of rap music, or sports all day, everyday. Have nothing going on with their grades, they are a waste. I mean in a couple years having my girls as contacts, will be very useful. I don’t see how drug dealers, and convicts could help me. ( Well they could but not for anything legal. Lol) But these aren’t all the boys, but a good majority.


People talk about me being gay, like they have video of me giving head. I deny it to the end, ( I would tell the truth but, first, I been lying for two years, it’s easier to just keep it up. (Is it though?) Also, if I did come out at school, you never know what might get back to my parents. Plus, I am not going to be on the news, portrayed a some homo boy who, "got what he deserved", for looking at a boy. You know how it’s portrayed in the news.) Most of the boys, (the stupid heteros who are a waste anyway.) Whisper behind my back, and when I sit next to them they move. And they just act like fools. ( The really hot thing to do to me before school left out. Was to Z snap and scream "Diva", like that man on Making the Band. I never have done this or said this, but they look like asses and I’m amused.) They swear they know me, but half don’t even know my name. I’m just the "gai boi". ( that’s another thing being ( rumored or) out in school makes everything you do as a result of you being gay. For example: He walks, talks, eats, stands, sits, get’s good grades, writes, does whatever, the way he does because he’s gay.) There are some really cool boys, that are cool with me. And I am cool with them. I am mostly viewed as, "having strong females in my life." Whatever. And people are always saying I have potential to be straight, or act straight. They make life seem like a play, I’m not walking around switching, and queening out. But, because, I don’t wear the same attire. Sell drugs, have ambitions as a rapper, just stand around a grab my dick. Something is wrong with me? This year one girl asked a boy, why does he wear boxers, ball shorts, and jeans. He said because all boys do, then she asked if I wore them. ( She wasn’t coming at me, she’s my friend she just wanted enlightenment.) I said I am only wearing boxers and pants, than he said I said boys. I am ALWAYS CALLED SHE, HER, and other female pronouns, by boys. ( and sometimes my friends slip up, and are so used to saying " Girl let me tell you". I have been gay bashed and called more worse names when I was seven. ( Oh yes, them straight boys had me pointed out at seven. I didn’t find out until later though.)

If I was in middle school, I would have been all sad. Lowering my self-esteem, because I don’t fit in with being a boy, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. WAIT A MINUTE THOUGH. I DO BELIEVE, I HAVE A PENIS AND TESTICLES. But it’s not my fault that people are stupid is it? I just hope and pray that they get hooked up with a gay roommate in college. ( Most of them will experience prison so they won’t be singing the same tune at out ten year reunion now will they.)


Everyone always wants to focus on what they go through, and who has done them wrong. But we fail to focus on who we’ve done wrong, or is being done more wrong than us.-Marz


There is this boy who is definitely gay, he is the stereotype that people always try to put my ass in. He denies it too, but he receives HELL. I thought I had it bad until, one day while walking home with his friends. Whom we all share, since his friends are girls. They were talking about how, he asked some boy for a pencil, and they replied," I’m not gay, I don’t want to be with you". They have his back and always curse people out, when he receives homophobia. They cursed that boy out. ( He personally gets on my nerves, freshman year he told everyone that I was looking at him. HONEY IF YOU CAN’T GET A GIRL, YOU DEFINITELY CAN’T GET ME. I HAVE STANDARDS, AND LIKING MALES IS AT THE TOP. NO ONE WANTS YOUR STRAIGHT ASS, THAT’S WHY YOUR HANDS KEEP BREAKING CAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO FEEL YOUR PENIS AT NIGHT. ) This girl told him off and called him every gay bash in the book one morning ( the other boy), and he cursed her out. Since this girl is in my advisory, everyone came in and wanted the dish. Then we got into this conversation about his orientation, and how people turn gay, and how he has to be gay because he looks gay and acts gay. You can tell these statements were made by some of the dumb ass boys. The girls are educated, and told them off the way a gay activist would.


I used to call people names and dwell on their ignorance, no more. It takes too much time wasting to go to someone’s level. This helps in making me look gay, because, someone may call me a faggot and I’ll just sit there. Am I supposed to respond to your ignorance? I realized in middle school, ( I realized so much there about people and myself.) Would a straight person be offended if I called them straighty. NO. If I called a heterosexual man, "straighty", he would laugh and say so. Right? Would he be offended, and say something back. "Well I may be straight but you’re ugly." NO. Why should I be worked up over these statements. Isn’t that just feeding into thoughts, that homosexuality is wrong, and unnatural?


All Philly high schools aren’t like this, University High School, which is nicknamed" Dike City", has a very high homosexual community. However, at our school we have lesbians, and they are out and proud. Kissing in the hallways, got their rainbow everything. Reading lesbian porn books in school. They just are out and don’t care. I’m sure they receive discrimination, but no one is going to say too much about a lesbian. They will have to fight the whole crew, and they don’t play. However, media always makes it seem like everyone is like."Lesbians are hot". The boys are very turned off by the lesbians kissing each other. Many have joked about starting a," turning girls back in" program. Where they have sex with the girls, and since they are( supposedly) so great in bed. They’ll love a penis between their legs. I mean doesn’t that mean that if they bend over for me, then I can make them like homosexuals. I CAN’T STAND IGNORANT HETEROSEXUAL MEN. Lord knows I can’t.

So my social status is, closet case, quiet, and smiles a lot. I am not popular, many people don’t know me, and those who do either know me personally, or as the"gai boi". But the lesbians know me as a closet case. ( I should write a whole post concerning them.)


When many people meet me in different classes ( like ’06,and ’08),, they are always like. What you’ve been here since 03, how come I’m just meeting you. I am so low in popular standings, but will popularity get me into college. Will someone ask how popular I am on a college application. NO. But they will be interested in my 3.8 GPA., I have my friends, and the people who are cool with me are there. I have no desire to try to be friends with everyone. You can’t be evryones friends it’s just not capable. And it makes it very easy to determine who to befriend.


At least that’s what I think it is, it would vary from people who know more or less about me.


My close friends say that I am going to go crazy after graduating from high school, because my parents re so strict. They are right. Just tonight, my mother says," Turn off that jazz music,." She says that listening to jazz music will send me to hell. I deal with that just over jazz, I swear they are going to murder me when I come out. lol. The life I lead.

-Marz

KATRINA & THE BIBLE

I haven't been saying very much about the hurricane, except that my prayers go to those people. But now I must comment.

(It's just those Rainy Dayz, I think this song is appropriate for this post.)

First the whole, looting, finding, stealing thing. Yes it has been discriminatory against people of color. Here's my question. (Which I would love some feedback on) If you were in New Orleans now, would you steal?

My Answer: HELL YES, I know that stealing is against one of the ten commandments. But sorry, all my money has probably vanished in the flooding, ( seeing as dollars are biodegradable, or are they not made of paper.) I would take my raft, canoe, boat. Whatever. I would go get a pot from Wal-MArt, get one of those fire things that caterers use to keep food warm at parties. Then I'd hit the supermarket. I'd also go to all the stores I love, and get me a little happiness ( you know clothes). Don't I deserve it. I did almost die. I don't know if my family is alive.

People are taking bread, and the government wants to bitch over 1.00. WILL THE STORE BE ABLE TO REOPEN AND RESTAFF IN ENOUGH TIME TO SALE THAT DAMN BREAD BEFORE IT MOLDS?

NO.

How much of the food down there (or other stuff), is really going to be taken in the inventory, which item of food will they be selling a couple months from now, when New Orleans is up and running. Let's hope none. ( I would sue if they tried to sell me some shyt like that.) So why is the government complaining about people taking things, that if aren't taken will be wasted. Also how many people are dying while you (waste time) put me in a submerged prison.

It's reminiscent of how, at the end of the day all the unsold food at fast food restaurants are thown in the garbage. When they could help plenty of homeless people, but since they don't have money they're screwed.

Also what if someone did have money and they left it on the counter. Who the hell would believe them anyway.

Some people are saying that this is like a Sodom&Gomorrah type thing, God is giving these Southerners what they deserve. Sodom&Gomorrah was destroyed by angels and fire from the sky, not water. ( These dumb ass bible scholars are thinking of Noah's ark.) In Sodom&Gomorrah God only let certain people escape. ( I believe it was only Lot's family, but I don't want to state wrong facts.) The whole city is not dead, so shut up with that God is trying to reward these people for their sins. We are not God, we don't understand his logic. He created us, and when it's our time he'll uncreate us. ( In a sense) Don't try to understand the most intelligent being in the universe, because, you end up looking like a dickhead.

SPEAKING OF THE BIBLE, GUESS WHAT I FOUND LAST NIGHT YALL. A HOMOSEXUAL SCRIPTURE, OMG.

I was reading the bible late last night (you know my Proverbs), and I saw this scripture:

Every man shall kiss his lips that giveth a right answer.-Proverbs 24:26

I know it may be a little out of context. but how much of the bibe is quoted in it's original context. And it is sort of a scripture that involves homosexuals right? SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS MY HOMO BROTHERS AND SISTERS. Cause lord knows a hater is quick to recite Corinthians 6:9. ( Next time some zealot recites that scripture ask them what Corinthians 6:10 says, bet they can't say it.)

Also get this, don't you know my mother's bible, the one that I said changed effeminate to homosexual, in this post. I am reading it, and it says:

He who gives right answer kisses the lips.-Proverbs 24:26

Does that even make sense? Is it anywhere near the original scripture? (Which is probably translated incorrectly istelf.)

Simmer on these things. I must prepare for my day, I will post again later on today.

When are we truly going to Wake up, because it is time for some loving.


-Marz

THURSDAY WITH THE FEMALES

Thursday’s agenda: Eye Appointment at 3 p.m.

You read this and you think it would be so very simple, but so much drama ensued with this visit. It started very early in the morning. Both my sister and mother are ice addicts, they love eating ice. So they freeze a bottle of water and right before the whole bottle is frozen, they get the ice. But, since the ice is so big and hard to get out the bottle. They must continually bang the ice filled bottles on tables. Therefore all you hear is BANG BANG BANG. All morning long, my sister has the idea to hit the bottle with a spoon, and it’s this chiming noise. Then my mother is screaming to me to be ready, and who’s making that noise. My sister and mother get ready or something. ( I was out of it, I was still sleeping.) Then I get up and am trying to find some food, I make a bowl of cereal. They leave to go get something my sister wants from the supermarket, and to get our referrals for the optometrist. I go run my water, get the radio, and shampoo, I was going to chill out. I go to get my brush, and it’s not where I left it.

Dear readers, this post is very long, but drama filled here are three songs referred to me by Mr. Cane. Enjoy the songs and post. Fool of me (which is the first song I heard from her while searching for that song I still haven't found.),faithful, and waste of time. People if you haven't been clicking these song links let me tell you. You won't leave my blog, your windows media player will play these songs for you. there fore you can listen to some music as you read. AREN'T I CONSIDERATE? lol.

If something of anyone’s goes missing in the house. The place it always ends up is my sister’s room. She is a thief, I have been telling my mother about her problem for years. But, they always just say give it back. They don’t whoop her behind like she needs. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, I looked around the house and in my room. I go inside her room and stand near her bed, survey the room. And there is my brush along with my Bergamont, ( I think I might have more beauty stuff than her.) I take my brush, and go get washed, I went to use the brush but it has this gray hair in it, which makes me think that she was using it on the cat or something like a Barbie doll. ( The child is 13 and acts that immature.) When my sister and mother arrive back home, I am drying off, and getting dressed.

I scream downstairs," Brielle, I know what you did, and when I come downstairs I’m going to get you.". Then she starts saying to my mom, she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. She has been being good, she didn’t do anything to me. Both of them are screaming upstairs, " What are you talking about?" My sister comes upstairs and after a minute, I tell her that I found my brush in her room and I’m tired of her being a thief. She then runs into her room,. And runs downstairs and tells my mom that I went into he room and destroyed it. GIRL I MADE SURE NOT TO DISTURB ANYTHING IN YOUR ROOM. We then got into a half an hour conversation over. How she’s been stealing, a nd I’ve been telling my mother about this for years. They never deal with my sister, it’s always like stop. But me I would have been punched or something. My lord I took my moms gel in June, ( after asking her) she found it in my room like a week later. Two weeks ago, she was yelling at me all in my face saying that I stole it again.. And where is it, like I am constantly stealing her gel. My sister tried to sugar coat it and make it seem like my dad is always putting my stuff in her room. HEIFER YOU TOOK MY BRUSH FROM DOWNSTAIRS. I told her off, because, I am tired of her stealing my stuff. My parents are always saying you’re not her parent, tell us we’ll deal with her. But you don’t deal with her. If I dealt with her she would know she’s been dealt with. ( Believe me I raised that little crumb snatcher and I got her damn number.)

I am then told to go upstairs, my mom laid her out. Had her crying and screaming," I’m tired of yall calling me a thief and a liar". ( Then stop doing those things.) I must admit that my father sometimes ( notice sometimes ) puts my things in her room. Like shampoo, or lotion or something. But she stole in recent years my Gameboy, Gameboy cartridges, She took my Pokemon cards and hid them in her diary ( That was a trick, because when I took them out she could say I was reading her diary. I did read her diary though, and recited basically word for word what it said, and she denied. it. But, I only read it for payback, for whatever it was that she did all I remember that trick got me on punishment Anyway) She steals things from other peoples’ rooms all over the house, and when you confront her. She either says it wasn’t her fault, it was put in her room, or why couldn’t she take it, if we wanted it, it would be in our rooms. She has taken so much that when I lose stuff I know it’s in her room. ( And it usually is) The first time I remember she stole from me was when I was nine.

I begged my dad for some white out, because, I had just begun using ink in school. ( Which is a big step, since I had been writing in pencil for forever. I felt older or maturer lol) My father complained and said he didn’t have the money. ( Always pulling that we’re poor can’t afford shit scheme.) He finally got me some, I had it I used it, and whatever else. One day it went missing from my backpack, I didn’t really fret over it, I went home and looked for it. I would find it that Sunday. I went into my sister’s room and she had white outted this huge spot on her ( pink) wall. I grabbed the bottle, and my dad came upstairs and was like. Why is your white out in your sisters room? Why did you give your sister your white out to do that to her wall? ( The bitch was seven, the way this story sounds you would think she is 3 right?) He whooped my ass, because he was asking questions so fast I couldn’t tell that she stole it. I eventually told my mother what happened , ( she was always there after my ass whippings, unless she administered it.) Then my sister got a beating , I laughed so hard, and I was taken off punishment. But my butt was sore for maybe two days. ( I swear that’s why my ass is so fat from the swelling from my beatings from my childhood. Maybe that explains why only certain Caucasians have booty and some don’t lol) ( You know because most Caucasian children get some stuff like time-out, that stuff don’t work. But a belt ( or whatever my mother could grab lol) does.) ( That statement was so wrong)

My mother is done talking to my sister and she goes to pick up my father. ( He had a shift that started at 4 a.m. today.) I cleaned up some of the house. ( Cleaning is so therapeutic to me.) My father gets home, and he calls the mechanic. The police came and took my father’s car from outside the mechanic’s house. ( Our mechanic is one of those nigga mechanics that get to your car when he wants to, instead of when he should. And he is only your mechanic because he is either family, friend, or cheap. Yall know how it is in the ghetto, and if you don’t know, I’m telling you.) My mother is trying to be sympathetic but we had to leave for our appointments. We get on the road, and we go to the gas station. Hess had some gas for 2.71 . What! You ain’t said nothing but a word. We jumped up in that line. It took forever my mother is in this car line, and we get one from the pump. Then she reaches the epiphany that her tank is on the other side. I told her off. We finally got gas, there looked like a fight was about to happen before we left. PEOPLE IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR AN EASY GOOD PAYING JOB. GO DOWN TO YOUR CHEAPEST GAS STATION, AND APPLY. THEY WILL BE MAKING SOME SERIOUS MONEY IN THE FUTURE. PEOPLE AREN’T REALLY GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE RAISE SINCE IT’S TO HELP WITH KATRINA VICTIMS. I would hook it up, but I am already legally obligated to the library, and I’m probably too young.

We continue on driving, and my mother is telling me that this Saturday we are going out with my G-Mom Thelma. ( the one with breast cancer). I don’t want to do it, there’s a difference between visiting her for Christmas, going to the doctor’s with her, and then going out with her. ( and that woman has the audacity to tell my father, that if wants to take her out, Eleanor has to come along.) My father is the one that wants to be with her, but he needs someone to change the subject to, when she goes too far. Or embarrasses him,. With some story from his childhood. My thing is G-mom is crazy, when we go to eat.


Examples:

1. We took her to McDonald’s after a day of shopping ( which was horrendous in itself). She is there eating her food. Talking about this old woman across the hall ( who is like 96), and she says. "That black bitch, thinks she’s better than me. I go over there and she asks me to help her dress herself. And I get over there". I began to tune her out. Then she starts screaming," and her black ass is in my face. She thinks she’s better than me, I can’t stand niggers or white people". When I say scream I mean SCREAM.

2. We are at this nice Japanese restaurant, ( this was after my grandfathers death ( The one that cheated on her and gave her STD’s, which un turn gave her cervical cancer, which made her ovaries had to be cut off, and made her start menopause at twenty two. Which is why I think she hates my father she was pregnant with him at the time.. My family has so much drama) and we were trying to get our family closer. You know because it takes death in a black family to bring people closer.) ( It’s sad but for the most part it’s true.) So two of the Japanese people walk past her, and one says something like, "We need a mop", or something small like that to the other .My grandmother than says," I didn’t know that the Chinese speaks English, I thought they could only say Hong wong yong". She laughs amused at her own damn joke, then my ignorant father says," oh yeah they speak English they know basic greeting and how to say. You pay" He says you pay in this disgusting accent attempting to sound like an old Chinese woman. I was truly ashamed to know these bigot ass people. First off we were in a Japanese restaurant not a Chinese one. Secondly, I have several Asian friends, and I would never want my dad to meet them. I talk about of them to my mother, and he says all this racist stuff.

Therefore, you can see why I don’t want to go to this restaurant. It’s in New Jersey ( not a quick ride like Camden) far New Jersey, and the staff is for the most part Caucasian. This will ensue some drama, but since her friend is white she’ll probably not act as much a fool. As my mother started talking about this I began thinking about what font I would have to use to record that trip in you my blog.. Trebuchet, in goldenrod should do lol


We are driving through University City, ( this is the part of the city where the University of Penn., and Drexel’s campuses collide.) There are all these beautiful college students in their cute little outfits. I was ever more motivated to go to college. I say to the cars occupants," I don’t want any laughing when I am getting examined". We are driving around and we finally get there, we go inside and register. We go inside the room, and our optometrist begins. ( She is voted one of America’s top optometrist and I’ve been using her for the last two years.) She puts this thing on my glasses left lense, and asks me to read the smallest line I can( with my right eye(. I go to do so, my sister is busting a damn gut. I say to my mother," kick her out". She says," Gabrielle stop laughing at your brother". She then put the lense on my other side and I began reading, she starts laughing uncontrollably again. She scolds her saying if you keep it up I’m going to send you out. I say kick her out, tell her to leave. I said it in my nice voice to not draw attention ,but I was so stern with it. (Even though I know that my optometrist isn’t racist. I have this saying," Show your blackside while inside." Which means don’t act ghetto when you’re in a public place, or anywhere where it could look bad for my race. Even though I am three races, my dark skin says black.) My sister than lowers her head, then is giggling in her chest, then she is passing notes to my mother. My mother is trying to hold in laughs. Then during a different part of the test, my eye kept going to my sister. The doctor had to say," If you’re going to be that much of a distraction I think it best that you do go." my mother still didn’t send her out. While she was looking at my veins or something. She says that I need to get tested for high cholesterol, because I have cholesterol deposits in my eyes. I blew a fuse , (sort of imploded, instead of exploding) I am the healthy one. I am the one that exercises, and eats the most vegetables, and fruit. I am the one always saying stop putting so much salt and butter in the vegetables, because, they are supposed to taste fresh not like the fat glands of a pig. Even though I know that eating styles, and weight have little affect on high cholesterol. I was mad. Then she asked if it ran in the family, my mother tries to make it seem like it doesn’t. Like only one person has it. You know that list of stuff that you fill out on your medical history, every single thing on that list runs in either sides of the family. I got my drops for my pupils to dilate, and I was done. I got my stuff and waited in the waiting room. It was to prove that I’m not an ignoramus or all around jackass. That I could control myself and it was to make me feel better, and show how much more mature I am than my sister. I did some problems out of my AP Chemistry book, and read the last few poems in Nikki Giovanni’s book. I sat there for about twenty minutes. I got up to o into the room, I entered right when she was beginning the test that the doctor said I might have high cholesterol. I just swore she had it, I mean she did eat a damn 11 oz. bag of chips the other day.
The doctor said nothing I was happy in the fact that she was healthy, but I did want her to have it. Because, if anyone should have teenage high cholesterol it’s her right? The doctor says that we have 15 minutes to wait until she needs us again. I take my mother’s watch and say I want to go to the Gap. My mother is all like, I want to stay in the waiting room. But, we left to go to the Gap, my sister was ahead of her. I told my mother that I was mad at her, because, she didn’t send my sister out the room.

Everyone has insecurities right?

Right

My eyes are one of mines, and she knows that. I had to wear big ass Urkle glasses with Coke bottle lenses when I was five. Five year olders are mean, but I was meaner than all of them together. I made them all cry, ( it was that inner bitch, that most boys lack sense they just have a nigga. Which makes them jump to violence. I contribute my bitchiness to me being gay, but I was soon to find out about my inner faggot and he makes the bitch look like a cute puppy.) Any way, it is very touchy to me, years of growing up. People asking questions like. Am I blind? Can I see without my glasses? If I can see without my glasses why do I wear them? And just knowing that my eyes will never be normal ( I have a really strong prescription, I can see but I need them for school like seeing the board, but I am told to wear them all the time except for up close reading.) I told her that she was being inconsiderate of my feelings and she knows that I’m sensitive of my eyesight, and then the fact that I have high cholesterol made me feel bad. And I told her that that made me feel bad and that I shouldn’t have it because my sister should. I was just pissed that she didn’t kick her out. She responds.

" I handled your sister, and I was expecting her to act mature".


YALL BABY THAT TRICK AND YOU EXPECT HER TO ACT THIRTEEN. SHE WAS USING THIS ANNOYING ASS BABY VOICE THE WHOLE TIME SHE GOT EXAMINED. When I was thirteen I acted nothing like that, I will eternally be more mature than her. My mother than saw it as I was mad with my sister, so she tells her to apologize. My sister feels bad, because not only did we make her feel bad by telling her she’s a thief. But we were talking about her behavior in the eye exam room. When she felt she did nothing offensive. I TOLD YALL HEIFERS IN THE CAR. My sister protested apologizing, I continued to walk on.


Life is a runway, you better work it, or get left behind.-Marz

I am walking with my beautiful Robin egg blue polo, my Gap jeans ,and the Adidas flip flops everyone wears in the summer. ( I decided to wear them out the house, even though I usually just wear them around the house.) One rips, while walking down the street in front of all these college freshman. I laughed at my shoe, and picked it up. When I walk in a hot outfit, I model it. That means I have that model face that is like DAMN. And I add my little model walk ( oh yes I was a model for two years until I got fat. Lol) I got my face, grabbed my shoe, and worked that sidewalk, with one shoe on and one sock on. We arrive at the Gap, and I am looking at their clothes. Guess what yall Brown is in this fall. It will look excellent with my skin tone. But me and fashion have taken a break from each other. I have lost my drive to shop and care about how I look. I hope it comes back, I mean I still look good. But I am just wearing simple outfits, not throwing it up and taking chances like I normally do. We leave, and my sister finally apologizes, I say to my mom. I don’t know why you made her apologize, my problem is with you and the fact that you should have sent her out, and honored my feelings. ( Yes, all three of our estrogen levels were running high today.). While walking back my other sandal broke. I laughed extra hard. ( someone else would have gotten mad, but I was to mad to get madder so I laughed. I have another pair so heyy.) So I am walking with my socks on for a couple blocks, and I worked it, I looked fierce, and everyone looked my way, wishing they could work walking around in socks. ( Or maybe because I looked crazy walking down the street, in socks, and a sandal in each hand.)

We get back, and she gives us our prescriptions. We get into the car, my sister said something. And my mother says to her, "Don’t say anything about or concerning your brother." We are driving and she’s asking all these questions, and whatever. Then she says," Mommy what’s cholesterol?" She knows what it is, almost all our grandmothers have it, and other family members. My mother says that she doesn’t really know for sure, but she knows that it’s like plaque that clogs your arteries. Then she asks," so it’s like plaque off your teeth?" in this voice that sounds like she is three. She uses it when she is trying to appear cute, or she is trying to seem coy. It pisses me off, because, then she really gets babied. Then my mother goes into it’s not plaque from your teeth. Then she asks,"Well why is it bad?", my mother goes into how this and that can happen form high cholesterol. All these things that could happen to me. Then I was so enraged, she was told not to speak of it, and she did it anyway. And instead of my mother saying shut up you stupid piece of trash ( that’s not what my mom says but that’s what she should’ve. Thirteen. Starts high school tomorrow and she’s asking these simpleton questions when she knows the answers.) I yell," It could fill my arteries and I could have a heart attack and die." Then she is asking another question, I scream," will you stop with that annoying voice. And I don’t know why you’re are purposely speaking of something that you were told not too. Are you just being ignorant or showing how inconsiderate you are". I laid her out, ( she brought my faggot out out out, the faggot throws verbiage at you so fast. And you are not able to comment because I am so loud I can’t hear your words anyway, And I don’t stop until I’m finished talking, it takes so much to bring him out, but when he gets out he’s there.) But, the time I’m finished she is crying saying stuff like," You talk about stuff that, I say not to talk about". She always tries to change the subject to her when we talk. I am not the one girl I know your tricks, I brought it back to her, and told her what she’s doing and how’s she acting.

But since what I said hurt little Gabrielle’s feelings, my mother started yelling at me. " I don’t know what’s wrong with you, why are you on the attack?" I respond," I didn’t attack her I didn’t call her one name, I just told her what she’s doing. And besides you didn’t stop her, you told her not to talk about certain topics and you did nothing while she talked of them for twenty minutes." The attention was drawn where she wanted it away from her, and she tried to pull one of her other tricks. Once attention is drawn to me, she can join in on trying to attack me. I cut her down, had her crying and snotting. DON’T PLAY GIRL. I raised you and you can’t handle the tongue, don’t get into a word fight with me. It ended with me telling her ," you were told what not to speak of ,and you did it anyway. You only had to wait about 20 minutes and you didn’t. It shows truly what kind of person you are." And since she has low self-esteem about herself, that means that we think she is dumb. I left her in her self pity, and my mother all mad, that I made her baby cry. I didn’t say nothing that would hurt her personally. I just spoke it as it was, and how it was, was messed up. We got home and I put on some CeCe. ( I now see where my damn stress comes from.) Later on tonight, I begin saying, don’t stress me out. Your raising my cholesterol and your killing me. I’m going to have a heart attack because of you. ( Of course this will make my mother feel guilty, but it will be a great way to get her off my damn back all the time. Because, she truly stresses me out, but I love her nonetheless.) For my sister, she keeps playing games. When I was in middle school, all I had was my words. (People wouldn’t fight over name calling it took more than that.) And since I never did anything that would result to a fight I just had word fights. ( Plus I was that fat husky kid that the fat doubled as muscle so I was extra strong.) Anyway, whenever I would meet someone I would automatically make up three things that I could say about them. If they verbally attacked me, Plus I found peoples insecurities, and would purposely pick at them. ( Only if provoked of course) Because you know being the (supposed) gay kid makes you lower than: the fat kid, poor kid, ugly kid, and the dumb kid. And I basically was those children too ( but not the dumb kid never that lol) So I have experiences of making people feel low, and I know personally all her insecurities. It was my inner bitch, and faggot joined to protect my hurt self underneath. Don’t make my inner faggot come and stay at the surface with you. And honey child, I’m not that low self esteemed boy anymore. I want to warn her, that I would truly make her hate her life. But she really truly should know by now, shouldn’t she.


Off to eat some salad. And lower my cholesterol LoL.-Marz

P.S. Sorry my popularity post isn’t here maybe tomorrow. Hello to Ms. Pam, And Mr. Jackson.

-Marz