THEOLOGY/STATCOUNTER SUNDAY

During many sermons I have heard at my current church and on popular ministry broadcasts, the speaker stops in the middle of their point and will say something on the theology of a certain thing. For example, one time when Bishop Jakes was preaching, he stopped in the middle of his sermon to briefly talk about how many theologians arguue over if Eve got pregnant with twins or not. Because the bible doesn't clearly say that she had sex again. And since the bible only said she had sex with Adam once, the theologians assumed that she gave birth to twins. Of course miniscule things like whether Eve got pregnant with twins or had sex twice doesn't really matter to most churchgoers, or watchers. But theology encompasses further than just these subjects, and when it being taught in the pulpit it sometimes disturbs me.



"Theology, thee Ahl uh jee, is the study and description of God. It may also be the expression of religious belief. The word theology comes from two Greek words meaning god and discussion. Theology explores a wide range of questions, such as :” Does God exist? What is the nature of God? Some branches of theology deal with the history of religion or the study of sacred writings. Other branches deal with the defense or religious doctrines against opposing views or the application of doctrine to daily life.
Approaches to theology vary from one religion to another. They also vary within a religious tradition. For example, some Christian theologians base their understanding of God on such authorative sources as the Bible and the decree of church councils. Others explain their understanding of God in terms of philosophy, psychology, or science. In most cases, a theologian’s own religious experience plays an important part in his or her theological system." World Book 2004 T





This is an example of the courses for one semester at a theology school.

The thing I don't like the most about all of this is who is teaching this stuff. Everyone knows that the bible can be twisted the way of the user. For two instances, recently in Pennsylvania, an Arkansas based white supremacist group used the bible to condone hating blacks. (They also put them in the mail slot of that community.) Second, in the book Kindred, the main character goes back into slavery times. One of the minister's who rides to the plantations is noted for using "safe" bible verses, that teaches that slavery is the way of the Lord. (Sorry I left the book at school, and couldn't quote from it.) IF you click on the links of the classes to see the course description, you will see that the books for the classes are listed. (Amongst the fact that we are learning about the messages of other teachers besides Jesus.) PAstor's and theology students are taught whatever the textbook holds, and this in my opinion may not be correct. Theology from the World Book's description sounds like one of those courses that is mutli-dimensional in answers. It isn't math where 2+2=4. Instead we are given x+y= 134, which could be numerous answers. So the textbook authors can only put out there opinions on certain things. And although the answer could be x=133 and y=1, it could also answer x= 132 and y=2. Meaning there is more than one right answer or view on something in the bible. Also, there are many wrong answers that could be being taught to our future pulpit occupiers.


In church, I sit next to the pastor, sometimes he is reading some big book written by a theologian. Then he'll get up and preach what that person wrote or include it in his sermon. HOw can we sit and let someone else's beliefs that are based upon, "their religious experience". It doesn't make sense to me. Also when other preachers say things like," according to the top theologians". I DO NOT COME TO CHURCH TO HEAR WHAT SOME PEOPLE WHO DISECTED THE BIBLE DOWN SAY ABOUT THE BIBLE. WHAT DOES JESUS HAVE TOO SAY? Again our focus has been taken off of Christ placing it on man and his explanation of God and other things of that matter. I find it to be like in a class full of overanalytical readers.

I asked my mother what she learned in theology school and her answer disgusted me, because it wasn't much and she went for so long. But here it is:" I learned the difference between Jesus, the father, and the holy spirit. The devil doesn’t have power but we have power over him. I learned so much I can’t remember it all."

Many pastor's require their staff to hold a degree in theology before being ordained, and I am just writing because I have a problem with people being taught other people's doctrines without questioning them. Also, how sometimes it feels like Christians are being taught the doctrine's and thoughts of theologians, over the gospel of Christ, and his message to love. Because in the end, knowing if Eve went a second round with Adam, or if her egg split has no immediate effect on me. (Maybe someone else cares.)


I said I was going to stop including things my pastor said, but this one was just too horrible not to write. He was preaching from the scripture where Jesus tells his disciples what must happen before he comes back again. One of the vereses says, "there will be wars, and rumors of wars". Alright then the pastor began talking about how people waste their time praying for world peace. When Jesus specifically said there won't be any world peace. We shouldn't waste our time on such nonsense, and as usual the crowd sat there and agreed. I AM REALLY HAVING A PROBLEM WITH THIS. First, Jesus said about wars, that doesn't mean we can't advocate for safer streets, neighborhoods, and whatever else. Especially after last night, a 5-year-older was shot in the back of the head while sitting in a car. Second, how can people be so blind, put someone so high on a pedastal that everything they say is correct. NO ONE CAN BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME. I was taught that if you disagree with a teacher on an answer you should dispute it, or ask for better answers. Of course I want to say something, but, it's not my place. But I know this for sure, peace is included in the fruits of the spirit, maybe my pastor hasn't read Galatians yet.


Onto lighter subjects. I think I was channeling Mr. Cane's vibes this morning. It was so weird. I was listening to the Fiona Apple cd I snuck from the library, (SHHHH) while reading PArable of the Sower.



OMG my face is so going to be like here tomorrow. I wonder how I would imagine how I looked if I hadn't seen me, and I was a reader. I would most definitely think I looked kind of dorky. I don't know. (LOL)


OMG ( again) I think my parents know I'm gay. I WISH THEY WOULD JUST KNOW. THey have been saying and doing stuff lately, or maybe I'm just looking too hard. This morning my mother and I got into a minor argument. So she was making me apologize, because I hurt her feelings. ( I swear I apologize to her four times a day.) Then she stops me and says," Oh wait, how does my hair look? Does my ponytail look right?" She does this while pushing up her hair. I was so like, I don't know, normal mothers don't ask their sons how their hair looks. IF THEY KNOW AND THEY KEEP ACTING LIKE THEY DON'T KNOW I'M GOING TO BE MAD. WHEN I COME OUT, IF THEY SAY," OH WE'VE KNOWN FOREVER" I WILL POUR HOT BUTTER IN MY EYES. Making me live like a closet person when I could be out working on my male senior prom date. Knowing them, they are in ignorance. One of the college women at my church was talking to my mother about junior porm, and she was like," I didn't go to my junior prom, I could go with MArcus". You should've seen how fast my mother tried to hook that up. WHATEVER. (LOL me and my craziness.)



STATCOUNTER SUNDAY

YOu know I've been doing this for a while, and I'm so glad that people aren't stealing it. Allowing me to have my own little creative thing. THANK YOU.


CAME FROM

Yall have been acting crazy lately, and everyday a different person was on top, we'll have to see. I'mma give everyone project girl names for fun. (LOL)

1.Lafeeshia
2.Shaqualandra
3.Opheliomeesha
4. BR1loma ( you know people are going to start using numbers in their children's names)
5. Hoeshitia ( pronounced OH-EE-SHe-SHUH LOL)

Disclaimer: I wrote out the names before I assigned the links, there is nothing personal. For those who think that I gave them more ghetto names than others. Also, I want to know why you people want to write me like I control statcounter. I DON'T. I just go off the data.






KEYWORD ANALYSIS

"sexy thick asian hoes that get dicked"

At least they are specific. I swear people need to learn research skills. If they are looking for pictures, they need to search for porn the right way. ( Yes I said it.) I also know how to find porn the right way, and boy do I know the right place to go. (Let me stop before people start trying to figure out my little porn niche.)( It's been a while since I've look at any anyways, I'm like Mr. Franklin right now. )





CITY& STATE


1. Los Angeles, California
2.Atlanta, Georgia
3. Dartmouth, Nova Scotia
4. Chicago, Illinois
5. Regina, Saskatchewan



MOST POPULAR DAY: THURSDAY






Alright this spirituality post may have not been so great. But I just have so many topics pop in my head when I want to scream in church.
WHO KNOWS?



-Marz

3 WORDS

I have spent my the greater majority of my long life to escape these words, because they bought such a pain with them. The pain of my taught abnormality, my unacceptance, the internal hatred that was bred in me towards myself. I’ve received the three words twice in the last day, and they were wonderful.



Yesterday I went to work, and got my measly check. My hours have been changed, so now I’ll be getting an extra hour every week. It isn’t anything special, but it will make a difference to this poor black boy. (LOL) I also got my W-2 ( people please don’t get all hype,” you 16 blah blah blah”). I made 2475.00 last year, and I have no idea where it all went. I say this to my mother and she says,”it’s in the clothes you get”. I don’t know why they (my parents) think I have so many clothes. I have.... That’s another post in itself, but it’s not a lot. I began to think about my haircuts, my infrequent manicures, and other things. Maybe I should start to cut some stuff, to save money. You know, let my hair grow, and get one hair cut a year. Stuff like that, but NO. I know where I was, I have the reminder on my school I.D. card of me when I was 13. I have set personal standards that I wish to upkeep, and that is why I got the job. I save and whatever, and shop at clearance racks and thrift stores, But I look good with it. I will not look a mess, I just need to cut random stuff. I find when I don’t have a plan for my money and it’s just in my pocket, I just randomly buy a bagel or something stupid. I’LL GET BETTER. I think one of my readers may or may not be a financial advisor . ( You know who you are. LOL) Umm maybe this person can e-mail me some tips. (LOL)



Sidebar: Why do all the Chicago bloggers want me to come to the Windy City? Now I LOVE the Chi-town bloggers SO much, but I’ll have to see. If you don’t know by now, they all need tons of prayer? (LOL) Because they are a mess and 7½. (LOL)



Anyways, I get some Blistex from Rite-Aid, and Kiki and I travel over to the bank. I got my check cashed and she got hers cashed. The other girl who works with us was very anti-social, I think she has a brain problem. She laughed at everything I said, I AM NOT FUNNY. She left us in the bank without even saying goodbye. But whatever. Kiki and I walked over to the bus stop and we started talking about my favorite subject. SEX. Now if any of yall really know me or have had more than one conversation with me, you know that I like to talk about sex. ( Maybe because I’ve never had it.) But I am just truly interested in the topic, and its hard to find a mature person to talk to about it with. KIKI ISN’T THAT MATURE PERSON, STILL LOOKING. ( But my ghetto twin seems to be their. SOMEWHAT. LOL) I was telling Kiki about what my counselor said about me being a good hooker, and I didn’t understand. Then she stepped back and said,” yeah you would make a good hooker, you have the look of a great boy hooker”. DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW DISTURBED I AM BY THIS? Then I responded,” I DON’T LOOK LIKE A HOOKER. WHAT IS A BOY HOOKER?” Then she says,” you know you have the look of a boy..... that makes money......from other boys......after sex....... up the butt.” She then runs because I have a tendency to hit her after certain outburst, “I’m just saying”. Our conversation diverged to me saying that she was horrible in bed, and she was like,” Please I am miraculous”. Then we got into a conversation on how you can tell you’re a good lay ( ANYONE OUT THERE HAVE ANSWERS CLICK THE COMMENT LINK NOW SO YOU CAN WRITE AS YOU READ. That’s what I’ve begun to do.). She is always commending me on all my knowledge, and she’s like,” You know, you should do something with all that knowledge you are like good bo...y..f.r....i..en..d material” (She has a problem saying boyfriend. LOL)



Then she got extra hype, “ I have something to ask you and ummmmm.... let’s move down further this way.... now I mean.... if your ... offended then you can totally punch me right in the face”. She was acting really paranoid stuttering and acting crazy, “ ummm... this question... it doesn’t matter.... it’s three words.... umm.. Three words.. You know what, I’m not going to ask...... it’s not my business.... the fact I can’t ask means I shouldn’t ask”. I then was just tired of her mumbling and acting paranoid, “ I know what you’re trying to ask”. “ No you don’t, you can’t know, You have no idea, But answer just to see if you know what I’m talking about... but I know you don’t”. I say, “ You know who my parents are... take that and mix it how you want it.” I walk ahead of her to get on the bus, I sat on the inside seat, and she comes next to me still stuttering about she knows my parents, and how they are. Then she says,” are we asking the same question. Write it down what you think I’m asking.” I was cool, and collected as usual, but my heart was racing a bit. Someone called her, I got the pen and on the back of the Rite-Aid receipt I wrote the three words. “ are you gay?” I show it to her while she’s on the phone, she nods in agreement. She gets off the phone, “yeah but you didn’t answer... well you said your parents.... well I get it.... but I mean they won’t be over you for forever..... I mean they can’t control you once you leave.... then you can do whatever.”. She then starts stuttering really bad. Talking about how everyone was asking her, and how it doesn’t matter, and she was beating herself up. Because she felt that asking me made me feel uncomfortable, and it doesn’t matter, because she still sees me the same way. It was really weird, because oftentimes the person asked is all weirded out. But, she was the questioner, and she was freaking out. She started saying,” I can’t believe I asked you. Why did I do that.... it doesn’t matter. ..... Why did I let other people influence me like that... it doesn’t matter..... I’m sorry”. And she kept apologizing. I didn’t understand.



I was going to tell Kiki in June when I left my job, because I would be leaving her daily aura. So if she was weirded out, and couldn’t accept moi, then she could step. But if she could, then, she would be brought with me in my life. I sat on the bus rubbing her back telling her its alright. She still felt bad, and then started to throw out other things to change the subject. ( Her defense mechanism is changing the subject.) I let her defenses be held up, because usually I go back to the subject she tries to change it from. But we went back there on her own, she then was saying,” You know, I’m glad that you’re alright with this”. I responded chirpily,” why shouldn’t I be?” I guess she is washed with the rhetoric and stereotypes of gay teenagers. Then she gave me the,” It doesn’t change anything, you’re still Marcus to me,” speech, after apologizing a million times, and declaring she was going to have to get drunk to forget the wrong she committed. Her stop came, and she got off the bus.



I walked through my ghetto with my street smart thinking cap on. Never know when someone is looking to rob you, and I had my freshly cashed check money. OH HELLNO. I talked to my mother ,when I got home, about what I’m trying to do with my senior year with the college courses, and whatever else. I called Kiki around 7:00, to check up on her. She said she felt better. I didn’t understand why she felt the way she felt, like it was inappropriate, and she made me feel like something. I guess on other cases it would be. Like when I was younger and people would ask me that before my name. But I don’t know, now, I feel like, it doesn’t matter. YES I LIKE BOYS SO WHAT. I guess its growth, because I used to be in my. “ What does it matter? Why does everyone always ask me? I’m wearing baggier jeans. I’m doing this or that, learned how to stroll, speaking from my belly. WHAT IS IT? WHAT DOES IT MATTER ABOUT WHO I AM?” Always sort of victimizing myself, especially when I was in my deep denial and I was “straight”. But now I’m like, “I don’t care if you know or not, it doesn’t change who I am to you, but if it does than screw you over five times to hell.” Of course I have to take caution sometimes because the ministers can’t find out until their appointed time, but it doesn’t matter to me. Really does it matter whom I sleep with or don’t? Does it change who I am if I give head to jack instead of Jill? NO. I guess when I ( or others) reach this point of indifference than you don’t care. WHO KNOWS?



The world tries to make it seem like I’m abnormal, and those are the ones who need help. Because they are trapped in a box of what is normal. Those who try to define normal can’t even find the same definition.



Normal- adjective conforming to a standard, usual, typical, or expected. Noun the normal state or condition.



So maybe they’re conforming to what are set sexuality roles ( a penis for a vagina). But I guess we (or I, rather) need to make it known that homosexuality is normal. Always was, and always will be. Also, we need to erase notions of abnormality from other gay people who have internalized homophobia built up. Homosexuality was just in the darker corner of the box, which was truly never stepped out of, by Alexander the Great or whoever was before him. ( Adam &Steve.) (alright that one was wrong. LOL) For those people who may view me or others as “out-of-the-boxers”.


KIKI IS OFFICIALLY MY HAG NOW. I’ll have to tell her on Monday. She hung up with,” you know that’s why I love you, you always know what I’ saying and I don’t have to say it”. I DO AND IT’S FREAKY. I know soon she’ll have her curiosity almost kill her cat, and she’ll want more in depth answers. I can’t wait for that conversation.



ANYWAYS, ( I get on my missions don’t I?) I think I’m pregnant. This morning like 12:30 I got up and had to have a pickle with some cream cheese, and some vanilla ice cream. All we had was the pickle. I then started feeling really sad, and then I just had to hear my favorite song, and starting to whisper the words really loud. ( How can you whisper loud right?). Afterwards, I went to bed. Also my sex drive has been DOWN, WAY DOWN, this whole month. It’s funny because it’s like this man in my head like,” man you know how good those handmade orgasms feel, you should hook one up”. And another voice is like,” I don’t want to, go to sleep”. It’s like an old married couple is in my head. (LOL) I don’t know, I’ve deduced it to my dick is growing and it doesn’t want any interference during it’s growth. HEYY I DON’T MIND. ( I haven’t even wanted to make an orgasm for a good while. I’s going to be so GREAT when I finally do feel like doing it. OMG I can’t wait. LOL) Who could’ve gotten me pregnant? I DON’T HAVE A VAGINA. What is happening? Maybe this is puberty making me eat strange foods combined and act crazy well past midnight. WHO KNOWS?



SATURDAY SCHOOL



You know GAYDAR who was renamed RICKY last week? I GOT HIS NUMBER. Maybe I should stop here, I do write too much don’t I?


















But I don’t really give a damn about what my readers think about the length of my posts. If I did wouldn’t they be getting shorter? (LOL) These are my teenage years. Remember that.



This morning when I got ready, I went to iron my pants. I was wearing one of the blankets on my bed around my waist like a skirt, because I didn’t feel like looking for my lounge pants. My father threw a fit over me wearing the makeshift skirt. I was so irked he made me go and find some pants to put on. I THINK THEY’RE FINDING OUT, OR KNOW. I got dressed, and went to school. My first class is extra easy, and the other kids aren’t too bright. (Of course by my standards.) One of the girls didn’t know the order of PEMDAS. Another boy had to actually sit and think what the answer to 4+18 was. (Even had to calculatorize it.) (I know that’s not a word.) I left there, and it was break time. During the break, I went and talked to the kids from my school. All the other kids looked as ghetto as they were. They stood in the doorways of the classrooms, I was about to yell,” You ghetto niggas, THIS AIN’T THE BLOCK”. But I held my tongue, I went to get a Green Tea, but they ran out. I saw RICKY talking to his friends, and we exchanged glances. ( Readers don’t be hype, it was friendly glares if anything.) I went to my second class, which is extra easy also. After that class I left to talk to the teacher, who teaches at the program, and works at my school. RICKY had that class, and of course I know that. Because, I have the memory of a bitter old black woman from the south who eats fish, cornbread, and pinto beans for breakfast. ( for those who didn’t get that one. Women hold stuff, ( they do) and especially bitter woman. And fish helps the memory. LOL) But, I was going to make it seem like I wasn’t there for him. Which I wasn’t. Because, I had to make sure that the algebra class I was taking would replace the D I got previously. Because, one of the students said it wouldn’t . He left while I was talking to the teacher, and he said that the grade I made there will replace my D. So of course it’s easier here, so my D is definitely going to be an A.



Ricky walked down the hallway to the last classroom to see if PRIDE had left yet. She hadn’t. I walked to see about her and another girl, as we passed I was all,” Wassup,” cheerily. He wassuped back. PRIDE and the other girl came out, and we all walked down together. The other girl caught up with the other people from my school, and she left us. The goodbyes were exchanged and it was PRIDE, RICKY, and MARZ. We sat outside, and talked randomly (well PRIDE and RICKY did). PRIDE smoked a cigarette, and RICKY wanted to see if his best friend TALLBOY whom we’re renaming HAGH was there. We walked down the street getting some chips, and went back to the school. PRIDE was getting a ride from her cousin and we had to wait for him. They talked, and I joined in where I could. ‘



I have a LOT of personality, about twenty just on my surfaces. ( it’s crazy but true) And when I meet people I don’t really like to give off too much, because it’s a stretch to get to like how I truly am. LOUD, CRAZY, & INDIFFERENT. (Sometimes. Depends on who I’m with.)



RICKY’S RUNDOWN. HE’s about 6'1 maybe taller. He’s like an inch taller than me, and last time I checked I was 6 feet. His voice is deep with a femme fag lisp twist. Beady eyes, DSL’s, bronze-colored. I guess he’s on the skinny side, he was dressed baggy today. He dresses labeled. Lacoste, Polo, and Chucks today. He does (convincing) drag, hair, drill team, and boys. Beyonce lover and all that jazz. (Why did he say,” How you doin’? Just like Trent, I’m so sheltered, I hate it sometimes. LOL.)



Alright so we sat on the stoop, looking for PRIDE’s cousin car. RICKY was seeing if any of the drivers were cute, and he was saying random stuff about how he liked this and that, and some sexual stuff. Then he turns to me and says,” oh, don’t be thinking I’m a whore , because I’m saying all of this”. I laughed. Halfway through our sit he turns to me and says,” I don’t mean to be rude, but, are you gay?’ PRIDE leans back because she is between us to see what I say. “ Gyea” calmly. PRIDE then jumps off the stoop and starts screaming,” I knew it, lying ass, telling me you weren’t”. Then I said, ”well both of my parents are ministers and it couldn’t get back to them”. She didn’t seem to hear, but RICKY did. Then RICKY starts talking to Pride about how I wasn’t telling the truth. PRIDE says,” remember last week I was saying, ‘ He says he straight but I don’t believe it’ “. RICKY then says to me,” Oh I always can tell”. I could tell about him and I didn’t see anything but the back of his head a few yards from me. He then says to me,” yeah, because you’re really cute.” I respond, “thanks you are too”. ( it was friendly. calm down. Maybe not. Who knows?)

I was reminded of my aunts and mother again. “ You have to make sure these girls self esteem is high, and they know they are GORGEOUS. That way when these knuckleheads out here come with that tired, ‘yo baby you sure are pretty,’ they can respond, ‘ I know that. What else you got? You think that is going to get you somewhere. I would tell you to come correct, but that would waste the time of me rejecting you again’”. I am so glad I listened to everything that they said while I was trapped in the cars with them. Then they would give me tutorial on how to be a man that they would desire. “ Don’t ever whine, a whining boy, becomes a whining man and there is nothing worse than a whining man”. I KNOW FOR A FACT IN MY SOUL THAT IS THE TRUTH THEY ARE AN IRK AND A HALF.



PRIDE’S cousin came, and I got her number and hugged her bye. RICKY followed suit. She got in her car screaming, ”and get each others numbers”. Then we were all like,”Which way are you going? Oh alright “. We walked down to the Bus stop, and RICKY talked about a hair show he’s going to be in, and other stuff. Then I gave him my number, and I got his. We chatted until the bus came, he got on saying to me,” make sure you call me,” and he left.



I walked away smiling. I HAVE A GAY FRIEND OHHH OHHH YAYY ME.



Of course I had my quick contempt moment of how PRIDE might tell the lesbian crew at her old school, my school. And then they’ll be all,” welcome to the club we have a fag now”. Also, because they have my numbers and could call at any moment, and I don’t know if they are the type to call at 5 in the morning, curse out my parents, etc. These are valid things to think about, but I won’t let them control me. Also, I told them I can’t get late calls, I just hope they respect that. But PRIDE had my number last week and didn’t call so who knows.



Alright so I know my readers are like,” you naive bitch he wants you”. SO WHAT AND WE DON’T KNOW THAT. That doesn’t mean I have to get with him. He isn’t anywhere near the criteria of my first ever real life boyfriend who has breath, and a soul, and dare I say it, a penis. (GASPING DEATH) (LOL) ( I am so virginal it isn’t funny. LOL But I always get a laugh off of it, but I like me this way). I mean from the conversations he held with PRIDE he is still holding relationships like a 17-year-older. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? AND WHY SHOULD THAT MATTER BECAUSE I AM 16?



Let me break it down. During the conversations with Pride. A man came to pick his girlfriend up from the school, and the girlfriend’s girlfriend got into the car. RICKY started going off on how that is stupid, because, then he’ll start to cheat, and you have to keep your man away form other people. “One day he might go over to the friend’s house. You showing him where she lives”. I THINK THIS IS BULLSHIT. If I’m in a relationship where I have to worry about my boyfriend trying to get with my friend, then I don’t need his ass. Why should I hold on to an unruly dog when I can go right on back to the pound and get me a nice trained one? I’ve been training myself lately, because no one is up to the task, or I think they lack credentials to train me, when they aren’t trained themself. I have too much in my life to be worried, stressed, and crazy over. “ Jaliel looked at that boy over there, is that his secret lover?”. I know many may feel that my mind set is wrong, but that shows your relationship maturity level I guess. ( Ouch, that one hurted, told about your romantic inadequacies by a little gay virgin boy. LOL) I guess I’ll be cheated on numerous times, but whatever, makes it easier to let the whore go then the fact they lack a personality. I’m going to be SUCH a great breaker upper, because I just have that flair.




EXAMPLE SIMULATED:



“ Trevor I think we should break up.”
“ Why? What happened?”
“Because we’re not right together.”
“ I won’t let you get away with that I want the truth”.
“ Ugh! I didn’t mean to do this but, you are like a virus infecting my soul, and I just want to find the antibiotic so I can kill you..... thanks for the good times.”



Alright so maybe I won’t be like that, but I do have that bitchiness in me to do it like that.





I then went and got a Lucky shirt, my first Lucky brand shirt ever. (Yes I’m hype.)


I have a chance to be on Oprah, but I think I’ll pass it up. I’ll have to see how I feel later about it.. Who knows?


Have fun commenting. LOL

P.S. I so need to start a bloglist on my side thing. It’s getting hard to remember everyone I read.




-Marz

Course Selections

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS FRED SHOULD BE HEAD OF THE TOURISM DEPARTMENT OF L.A. AND DETROIT? I nominate him, does anyone second it?





Today we had course selections for senior year. There are so many choices to choose from. There was six pages of course selections. I am going to have about 21 credits at the end of this year, and I need 23.5 to graduate. Which means I only need to take two more classes to graduate. The problem is the way my school is set up, instead of giving me two classes they will fill my roster with unneeded classes. I am trying to talk to them about letting me take classes at the Community College and they count the grade I get there as my grade in high school. That way I can get high school and college credits at the same time. Also, I would have more time in the day and take a full schedule of classes. Instead of one like I’m doing now. I”m also trying to see if I can get the English 101 class I’m taking now counted as English 4, because they are equivalent. That way I don’t have to step foot in my high school next year. I can go straight to college. My English Honors teacher wants me to take AP english, but I see no purpose if I am taking English 101, and the purpose of AP classes are to take the test to get college credits. Also, since I’m in honors double math, ( Algebra 2 and Elementary Functions.) I’m expected to take AP Calculus, they must be out their minds. I don’t have a problem with it, but I don’t want my senior year to be heavy and stressful like this year. I am taking Calculus this summer and just get it out the way. MY SCHOOL IS TRYING TO GET ME SO HARD.


Especially since, for the last three years al the teachers have been screaming," get your electives, get your electives". I have well over tha elective requirement, and now all of a sudden I'm lacking arts and humanities. NOw I have to take Arts& humanities classes next year. I want to know why they didnt focus on these classes until now. PLus, all the classes are worth half a credit, and I need 1.5. The choices are:African American History, Art 2, Contemporary Issues, Creative Writing, global Studies, Instrumental Music, Poetry, Psychology, and Desktop Publishing. I'm interested in most of them so I don't know.


I want to know why the seniors and sophomores are at war with each other? They are fighting everyday outside ths chool of course. Because the kids at my school are all college bound so they know the laws as to not get suspended for fighting a block away 30 minutes after school ends. I HATE THE SOPHOMORES SO MUCH THEY ARE POISONOUS TICKS THAT NEED TO BE KILLED AND LEFT TO ROT IN THEIR OWN POISONOUS BLOOD, AND THEN FED TO PRESIDENT BUSH. ( Maybe not that much but my goodness, I can't stand them.)

ALSO I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THESE NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND CLAUSES THAT ARE APPEARING. Like a couple months when I had to sign the paper for the government not to get my name, and if the teachers didn't say anything they would be able to come to my house and get me. Every other week they are testing us to see if we've made progress, growth, learned something. BEcause all my teachers are like the best in the district they are like," You will not embarass me, this is not only your grade it's mine, and I demand excellence". IT'S LIKE TAKING A DAMN SAT EVERY TWO WEEKS. I am not a rat and you will not test me as such, don't make me have to cut someone.


THIS SUMMER

I am already looking into a things to fill my empty schedule for this summer. I WILL NOT be stuck in this house writing all day, and reading people’s blogs like last summer. Although it was fun. NO. I need to do something meaningful. The things I have scheduled right now is a two week paid journalism program at Princeton. ( CHILE I don’t play.) I meet all the criteria I just have to write something. It is so hard to write stuff, IF ONLY I KNEW HOW TO WRITE. But I’ll get it done. I’m taking courses at Community College so I can knock more of my first year of college out. It would be awesome to start college in my third year, and have my bachelor’s degree by 19. ( Doesn’t it just sound sexy.) “ Hello my name is Marcus, my age..... I’m 19. .., Yes that is my bachelor’s degree on the wall. “ OH WAIT I FORGOT I WANT TO DOUBLE MAJOR. TWO BACHELOR’S DEGREES AT 19. TOOO HOT AND SEXY. It can be done, it may not, but I know it can be done. IS there a way to go to like honors grad school and get your master’s degree (Ponder.) I have to look into that, because I could have like my master’s by 20. I won’t plan too hard, then life will happen, and God will laugh in my face like this is comedy hour. But that would be hot, let me put that on the hopeful agenda. (LOL)


So basically this summer what I have planned is a nice job somewhere where I can get a discount on clothes, summer courses, and then my summer vacation to Princeton. HOT.


MY LIFE THE SCREENPLAY

Every Friday I've decided to add some lines that were exchanged during the week, because my life is funny like that, and some stuff should just be written for a televsion show. I guess it also shows that television isn't all too far from real life. WHATEVER.

This happened during an assembly telling the boys about testicular cancer. I am so becoming an advocate for it. TEST YOURSELF FOR IT. I'll have more stuff up later, I'm writing an article for my newspaper. Because testicular cancer affects males 15 to 35. Yall thought it was an older male disease. Anyways, it was after we atched the video that showed a man testing himself for cancer, right after a shower. ( THEY SHOWED IT ALL. Surprisingly I wasn't really aroused, I laughed along with the rest of the audience.) But I didn't turn my head like the other people, because, it's just dick and balls. This sexy male nurse was answering the questions of the crowd and here is what happened:

"Yes you have a question"
" Can you catch testicular cancer from getting kicked in your balls?"
" Umm.. It can have an affect, that is why you have to test"
"alright, you have a question over there."
" Why does it hurt so much when you get kicked in your balls?"
The whole audience verbalizes their wonder also.
" Because there are a lot of nerve endings down in the testicualr area"
Someone blurts/screams out.
"Is that why it feels so good whe you're getting head?"



Love peace. happiness, stay safe and sexci.

-Marz

COLLEGE CHOICES

This autumn I will be applying to colleges. I am starting looking for them now. ( I started when I was 12 really though.) At first I was on Columbia, but then I changed my mind to Washington University in St. Louis, because it is far. I dropped them after September, and jumped right onto NYU. I have since droppd them, because their engineering program is new. I want to be in a prestigious program that everyone knows, not something new and being tested out. ( NO offense to NYU, I still love yall.) I asked my mother to pray, and she said God wants me to go to Penn State. I was reluctant at first, but if god wants me there, then I'll go. Also, I had one of those three signs things happen to me ( like on the movie BAPS). I was up at Penn State this past summer, I really liked it. But it is kind of racist up there. It's not like," there's a nigger get the ropes ready" racist. It' like," please mr. black man , please don't kill me, and rape me and put my daughter in one of your rap videos that are derogatory to women". At night, my friends and I were walking around the campus, and we all got really scared looks. Some of the people got wide-eyed and then crossed the street, or made sure to be as far away as possible on the sidewalk.


When I told my counselor this she started to give me her advice," You can't go to Penn State, You're going to NYU and that's final." Another boy was in the room that wants to go to Penn State, so he screams," why can't I go to Penn State?" (He isn't as important to her as I am, also she knows all my situations. LOL) She turns to him annoyed," oh yeah, you can go wherever.... But you you know you need to be in New York. You're going to NYU, and I won't sign your papers to Penn State." (Counselor's have to sign college applications.) Of course she is joking (somewhat LOL). When the boy left, I started asking why I have to go to NYU. She starts scraming in this bansheesque tone. "THE VILLAGE, THE VILLAGE, THE VILLAGE". I am like, AND. I mean of course I get it, she wants me to be in New York around a bunch of the children but my lawd, I don't get the greatness of the Village. I asked some people and they were no help. " The village is like...... the village... I mean.. it's like... WOW... the village," was what Kiki had to say, others said," it's like South street and South Broad street put together but better". THAT IS NOT ANY HELP TO ME. Maybe someone can break it down for me.

At first I wasn't caring about NYU, because it's an art school. ( I don't know why everyone thinks I am going to get into theatre, dance, or writing. I mean MOI,... NAW. Many people are like," yeah your into that other stuff now, but you'll see what your calling is. WELL THANK YOU, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU ARE THE HEAD OF VERIZON OR SPRINT CREATING THOSE ANNOYING WALKIE-TALKIE PHONES.) But when I found out about the engineering program, I went to the orientation. But I mean, other schools programs are better established, and are recognized worldwide ( Penn state), and I would rather be there then something new. My counselor and I have been arguing lately about me in New York.

MARZ THE NEW YORKER


I want to know why everyone wants or expects me to go to New York. I have been hearing ALL my damn life. " You have the spirit of a New Yorker. Watch you're going to be a New Yorker. You're going to love New York and never leave. You're going to be one of Manhattan's elite. You were made for New York. You have what it takes to make it in New York. You have the aura of a New Yorker. What you've never been." I don't get it, what the hell. Even my parents," Yeah you're going to be in New York. I've never seen anyone walk as fast as you, only my uncle did, and he was a New Yorker. You must be preparing for when you move there". My counselor gets this knowing look and is like," Marcus you are a New Yorker, you have IT. You could make it there. You need to be exposed to the culture, the fashion, YES YOU AND THE FASHION. You would grow into a wondeful, beautiful person in NEw York, sutup you're going there". She had to say thiis about me going to Penn State," You can't go there. The people are hicks and dress bad. You'll be bored and pick up alcohol and bad poormenhobby." What is this IT? That I supposedly have. Like I'm going to be dropped in the middle of the Amazon in a crate and I just read, HOW TO SURVIVE IN A RAIN FOREST.


Her most recent comment happened when I was in the office telling the drug counselor of my fake ecstasy addiction. ( The one I'm going to get out of class for hopefully, to talk to her on Tuesdays. LOL But she said I can talk to her about other stuff not just drug issues, so I'm just going to go to her and get out of class.) My counselor says," You are going to new York, You have it to make it there. You have what it takes to be a great hooker". I was like," WHAT! A HOOKER?" She was like," not a sex hooker, like a hustler, making money, HELL, you could work money out the men without sex". She says to the drug counselor," couldn't you see him as a hooker in New York?" She agrees I'm hooker material. I was disturbed by this, and I wouldn't do that. (Gold dig and all that mess.) But I guess never say never. (LOL) ( MESS)


Since she has said so much about me in New York, as well as MANY people in my life, I've decided to look up some colleges in New York with good engineering programs. I found Syracuse and Cooper Union. I don't think I would want to be at Syracuse. Cooper Union was described very harshly by the students. One was like," you don't know the definition of stress until you come to Cooper". I'm thinking about going to college in Ohio. WHAT YALL KNOW ABOUT OHIO BOYS? I'm not going to tell yall bout their freaky asses. ( Oops but I didn't give out the cities.)


But do we really want me in New York? ( I'm going to take a different approach Charles. LOL) As we all know, when I go off to college I am going to be released upon wherever I go. I have decided to no drugs, or alcohol. (They've killed a great majority of my family.) But I mean I have SOME stuff planned. (Don't worry some of yall might be invited.) But me free in New York, and I surely will not be doing all the stuff I'm doing now. ( the extra curriculars) I'm going to be free with tons of time on my hands. Plus the way I just roam around places. (You have to see the way I roam around Philly like a tourist. CRAZY.) I DON'T KNOW. Me free in New York, SCARY THOUGHT. I think I need some rehabilitation first. Like a wild tiger going through a small box. Before, they are allowed to be in the fields where they sleep all day.


FREE THE ANIMALS FROM THE ZOOS. WATCH NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO CARE THAT MUCH FOR ANIMALS TO SEE THEM OUT OF THEIR NATURAL HABITAT.


WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE EXHIBITS FOR THE ALIENS?


(Why am I so crazy?)

P.S. I attend school in North Philly, thank you for your concern but please do calm down. North Philly is advertised the same way I guess Harlem is advertised. You'll get shot automatically upon entering that part of New York. Howmany of you all have gone to Harlem? How many have been shot? Frank lives in Harlem, is he not still alive? I have equal oppurtunity of getting whatever done to me where I live as in North Philly. I STILL LIVE IN THE GHETTO. But again thanks for your concern. ( Random thought) If one of the bloggers so happened to die, how would we relay the message? I mean no one would get in here and write that I died. (A morbid ponder hunhh)

MARZ reminder to self: CWB doesn't have a booty like you or any other black boy. YOU CANNOT GRAB HIS WHOLE BEHIND WITH YOUR WHOLE HAND. YOU MUST USE YOUR PINCHING FINGERS.

( HEHE this reminder is so needed. Maybe I'll write about it later, leave you all curious to who I'm playing pinch and tickle with.)




-Marz

Parents, Pant Fiasco, AMerican Idol

I was going to write a long post about how my parents have taken a new interest in getting on my last nerve. But as I wrote that, I thought this, " at least I have parents- although crazy- I have them. At least my parents aren’t mute and can use their voices. At least I know they love me". (Well that last one is yet to be tested. You feel me?) I must admit I have been acting really mean towards them, but they just irk my soul. Like my mother complaining about her four hour job crossing kids across the street, " Ugh I’ve had a long day," is always what she is saying. HEIFER YOU DON’T KNOW A LONG DAY. I’m up at 6 in the morning going to high school, doing my thing, going to work and dealing with mess, and then heading to college. I get in at 10 at night to you and your husband acting crazy. YOU DON’T KNOW A LONG DAY. Then she wants to make my day seem as though it is similar or less in drama, stress, and craziness. I WON’T HAVE IT.


I digress, saying again," at least I have parents". (LOL) I hate being so mature sometimes I want to rip right into them, but why should I be an ungrateful hoe?


PANT FIASCO


This happened June 2, 2003 I had gone in my parents room to iron my pants for the morning. I had recently sent in my acceptance to my current high school. I go inside my parents room and started to iron my pants. My father starts yelling about the way I’m ironing my pants. He likes to iron his pants with creases, that takes too much time to me. He told me to iron them the other way, I said I didn’t know how. I started to shift them to the crease way. He jumps out the bed, and grabs the pants out my hand and throws them on the floor. He then yells, " You’re not going to be like everyone else. You’re going to be going to school in North Philly, and you’re not going to start doing drugs. Now iron these pants right". My mother is in the background screaming my father’s name like their doing the do. He put the pants on the ironing board the right way to iron them creased, and he goes to take a shower. I look at my mother, "he thinks that since you’re going to school in North Philly that you’re going to start some bad habits. He thinks his life was ruined because he grew up in North Philly". He comes back and says," You WILL iron your pants like this or you won’t be allowed to wear pants. You are ironing your pants like that to try and be like everyone else." He left again, and my mother it all up to Empty Nest Syndrome which she has also.


North Philly is the stereotypical worse part of Philadelphia, it gets a bad rep. ( Sort of. I have almost been shot a few times.) There was some other things that happened but I blocked them out, with a lot of the craziness that my parents do. I know I left out some details form this story, but that is the drift. (LOL You see why? Please none of those sorrowful comments, because I’m so over it, I laughed writing the whole thing.)


American Idol

I SOOOO want Anne Nesby’s granddaughter, Pasirs Snippet ( I think) to win. She has it in the bag, bring it GURL WORK IT OUT. I WILL BUY YOUR CD AND VOTE FOR YOU. But we’ll have to wait until the top 10. Why are the older twins fugitives? I am so mad that it is always the good singers that get eliminated. ANYONE REMEBER FRENCHIE? Also, has anyone noticed how Paula is reluctant to look at the really cute men. She doesn’t want another Corey Clark story exploding. That srgt. singing Marvin Gaye had my smile a glow and my legs opened. (LOL) ( WHORE) (LOL) That Rhonetta made me ashamed to be a human, let alone black. Paula didn’t even say anything. But she did give me an interesting post idea. I had more written because I was writing stuff out during the commercials maybe next week I can give an in depth type thing. Take pictures of the television and everything else. (LOL)



I’m not feeling all talkative today, school and college are getting crazy. Gotta go. But hold on, have you ever watched the recent posts thing on blogger homepage. I swear I just saw a blog by Nikki Giovanni. IF I FIND OUT I THINK I WILL DIE.


Let me go.(LOL)


-Marz

MY SEARCH

Why does Ramon think he can just roll his tongue in my ass and everything will be fine? OH HELL NO. Pack your stuff and get out. (A word from one of the soap operas in my head, that keep me entertained when I forget my cd player on the bus. LOL Also, for the kinja people. LOL)



I'm on a search to find some teen blogs. Because frankly I think our generation needs to be heard, and maybe there are some people who I've personally missed that we'd all like to get to know. SO I'm on a search so far all I have is:

CHARLES X ( Boy you still a teen don't be trying to be a grown up they're old and decrepit and complaing about bills all the time. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED AS ONE? I don't lol Because I have a feeling you gonna come commenting you grown. LOL)

Daniel. 14, Yes two years into his teenagehood. Live from London with his random thoughts.


I would LOVE to find some other gay teen blogs, all the other ones look like the way people think I write when they hear," 16-year-old blogger," and the others ended in 2004.


While searching the blogs for gay teens I came across a story that I AM DISGRACED NO ONE WROTE ABOUT. Do we only care about black gay teens who are killed? Do we only care about Americans who are killed? Shows why no one seemed to care about the earthquake in the Middle East, or the tidal wave in Asia. CHECK IT OUT.

I should have the results of my finds up on Friday, or Saturday. HOPEFULLY I WILL BE SOCIAL SO I HAVE A STORY. They won't all be gay, and they won't all be anything like me. I'm looking for diversity.

NEW YORK TRIP


My school planned a ski trip very poorly, so my friends tipped me off on how close Philly is to New York. ( I truly was clueless.) They planned a trip for our four day weekend next week, and we were going to have a day trip to New York. Because my friends know how my parents get, they made up some backup plans for ways to get me to go. I mentioned it to my mother, and she said No. I told her that the girl who is planning the trip mother will be going, she said she has to talk to her. That means that she is going to hold a three hour conversation with her, and getting to know her. Acting friendly, but really she will be trying to find a reason for me not to go. ( I still can't believe how close Philly is to New York, it's like a train ride away, and it's cheaper than regular bus fare in Philly. DAMN SEPTA) It looks like I'm not going to go no matter what happens. But my friends are really intent on getting me out the house, they pity me and my restrictions. IT'S ALRIGHT GIRLS. One of my girlfriends said what Kiki is always saying," my god Marcus, you're almost 17". I always respond," what the hell does that mean?" My parents are going to act so much more strict and crazy when I turn 17. I will not even go into the ironed pants incident that occured when I graduated high school. ( Maybe tomorrow along with whatever else.)

MY BACKUP PLAN

A brother needs a manicure, so I'm thinking a day in the boring ass city of Philadelphia. ( WHY IS THIS CITY SO BORING? WHY DOES LEE ALWAYS MAKE IT SEEM SO INTERESTING?) Afterwards, I'll head to TOWER and listen to the devil's music. ( The only place where I can really do it.) Then head to Border's and read something inappropriate for my age group. ( some porn or HEHEHEHE... yall don't need to know my business. ( the curse of having readers sometimes .LOL)) followed by COSI, some green tea and one of their huge macademia nut white chocolate chip cookies. Watch the white dancer man with the phat ass glide across the room collecting trays. ( MY LIFE IS SO BORING, I NEED SOMETHING THE HELL TO DO. WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE IN THE MOST BRING CITY EVER THAT EXISTS?) But I guess that is better than nothing. Maybe I can find someone to go out with, BUT WHO? (HMMM....)


I'm off.


Anyone know what I'm thinking of?

Mischevious grins shall follow me until I get what I want.-Marz




-Marz

STATCOUNTER SUNDAY

II don’t really have much to say today, I’m listening to Ms. Ginny Owens and that girl will calm the most hype of people down.


ANNOUNCEMENTS: I realize that even though I write about my life, and other things I don’t understand, people read my words. ( I still don’t get it really, what others find so interesting about me. LOL) Anyways, I guess I feel a responsibility to tell my readers this:


Third marking period starts tomorrow. I take two college level classes in high school and everything else is honors, so I need to get back on the ball. I’ve been slipping and just making it through because of some internal mess. All of this is to say, if there isn’t a post everyday please don’t e-mail me, asking where I’ve gone. I’M DOING HOMEWORK. I don’t want to curse you out, and that is what will happen if I receive anything questioning where I am. Now if you promise to write and send me a check every week when I’m on the street because of my lack of an eleventh grade education/diploma. Then I will blog directly to you.


Pictures up on the 30th, for those who missed it on my first day back. I’m thinking about taking another round. I don’t know. MAYBE.


OH and I thought I made myself clear, but I guess I didn’t. The Saturday program isn’t at my school, it’s at another one. The gay boys at the program don’t go to my school, neither does PRIDE (any more). I was saying that if the people who are at the program, who attend my school saw me with the gay boys. The rumors would spread through my little school of less than 700, and it would definitely get back to my parents. That is the issue, my parents finding out. At school there is speculation but after avoiding the question for FOREVER people have just went on with their own opinions. AHHHHHHHH I JUST WANT TO DETONATE THE BOMB IN THIS CLOSET. BLOW THE WHORE DOWN. I BLAME THE CULT FOR THIS.


STATCOUNTER SUNDAY:


CAME FROM

1.TRENT ( My sane twin in LA.)
2. CASH (freaky nice guy. ) ( You know why I’m saying this LOL.)
3.NO FO’ REAL
4.MAURICE( Freaky nice guy too. ( He knows why too) I was going to comment but it takes FOREVER with dial-up. But, your post on positive words blessed my soul.)
5.CHARLES X ( My ghetto twin who works knoives better than a Japanese chef.)

DLoser

It’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon, and as usual, mother and daughter are sleeping with a cooking show on. We won’t do anything today. I could tell from the grumble my mother gave me when I asked, "Are we doing anything?"


Yesterday I got my haircut, and there was drama. But it wasn’t as much as usual. It was so ghetto how the whole barbershop staff was shooting craps as I walked up. The conversations were about exercise. The better majority of them are in their mid-thirties and slightly out of shape. The way they talk, you’d think they are triathlon runners. I became sort of disturbed when one of the men was talking about what good health he was at 34. Because he is his age, and still wearing white miniskirts, some Timberlands, and baggy jeans. I mean barbering is an honest profession and all. But my lawd. I don’t know, I guess I don’t see it as progress in his life. He isn’t trying to own his own place, or anything. I DON"T KNOW.
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This morning I missed the early trolley by like two minutes. I then had to wait for the late trolley. I got to the Saturday school thing, and they were handing out rosters. All of the children got theirs, but my school associates and I were the last to get one. The two boys were there, actually they were wearing the same jackets as last week. That made it easier to point them out (I love my memory so much, especially being able to remember what people wore.). The one who was pointed at last week, took off his hoodie while talking to the principal. HE LOOKS SO GROWN. That tall lanky toned dancer body.Halfway through waiting for my roster, I walked up to the front with an associate. He ( the tall boy) and his hags were in the front row, and he pointed at me and said something.

I got my roster, and I’m taking Algebra 2, and World History like I wanted. One of my associates knows the two gay boys, and since she is bi or lesbian ( something. LOL) She is one of those "scout gay pride representatives," type people. The kind that is always scooping out the gay people, and then making sure they have some type of rainbow pendant. She’s not as hype as the other people in her group, but she was on me hard last year to admit it. ( Still haven’t, and she’s left me alone since.) She left our school and goes to another one now. She said that they are best friends, and she says they’re extra funny. ( GAYDAR and his friend)


I went up with her to our second class, since we missed the first while sitting in the auditorium. On the third floor we saw GAYDAR. He walked towards us two, and started some slight conversation with the girl. I wanted to say something, be social, but it’s hard. I DON"T KNOW. So she got his number and other stuff. Then he says," Wassup" to me," wassup" I respond". Then he asks what classes we have, and then we went to our classes.


My world history class is going to be a breeze. The teacher is from one of the slower schools in the district. I forgot how easy it is to be in classes with average children and below average children. I finished my work extra fast. I sat there, and was amazed because in normal school I don’t finish as quickly. But the work was extra easy at the program. The teacher kept saying," I’mma have to keep up with you". He’s nice, he asked me a few questions about why I’m there, and he seemed surprised that I was getting credits for next year. After the class I went to my friends, and started talking to them about how easy these classes were. GAYDAR whom I’m renaming RICKY, comes up to my girl RONNA, and says,"cute boots," and vanishes. She looks at him," Cute but gay DAMN". I thought she would say more because she gay bashes A LOT, but only on boys. ( It wouldn’t matter if he was straight, because she already has her fiance.)


I exited the building, and walked over to PRIDE GIRL ( we’ll just call her PRIDE though.) I talked to her about my class, and she talked about hers in between cigarette puffs. She was standing right next to RICKY and his best friend. I had noticed my heart pumping harder, but it wasn’t that crush heart beat, it was like a gang-is-following-me-I-want-to-run-but-better-not-because-then-they’ll-definitely-jump-me heart beat. That comes with Fear.


WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?


Having gay friends would be excellent, because every friend has something special they bring, and you can say things to a gay friend that you couldn’t say to a straight friend. Same for someone a different race, or the same race, height, weight, etc. But, I have people from my school at this program. If they saw me talking with them, then it would get back to my small school. I don’t care about being out at school. I was actually kind of vexed when PRIDE talked about the only gay boy at school, and I wanted to add," NAH UNH there’s me too". But it would definitely get back to my parents. I always think about the sexual harassment suit filed against this lesbian girl sophomore year. Since it was the straight girl’s word against the gay girl, the straight girl word prevailed. (Sort of like a Negro’s word against a Caucasian’s in Jim Crow times. EMMETT TILL. Even though we are still in Jim crow ways, but let me not begin.) The gay girl got expelled from the school and her parents had no idea of her orientation. Then all the lesbians banned together and signed petitions and got the girl reinstated, even though she didn’t harass anyone. I COULDN’T HAVE SOME MESS LIKE THAT HAPPEN TO ME. Then I always flash back to ninth grade, when everyone was curious about my orientation, and I almost had a sexual harassment suit filed against me. Because a boy insinuated to a faculty member, I was trying to rape him or something. (THANK GOD THAT DIDN’T GET TO THE MINISTERS) (That’s another story for another time. LOL) I mean I so can’t be living on the street, and if they didn’t throw me out. They would want to take a special interest in me. Want to hold constant talks, like if we talk for three hours every day I’ll become straight. (I know from when I pre-came out LOL) Also, if I was allowed to stay inside the prison (my house LOL) then I would have to talk to the pastor for forever. Then I know my father would be really disrespectful, and I would have to be disrespectful right back, because that is what he earned from me. Basically, it would not be good. WHY IS IT THAT THE GAY BOYS GET THE DAMN MINISTER PARENTS? ( Also why do they always throw shade and the straight facade at you when you visit their church? You don’t know how many pastor’s sons, grandsons, nephew, etc are gay. I’m always at their church and they want to act shady when they sense someone on their gaydar. I guess to keep themselves from being found out. JUST SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND FOR A WHILE.)


The friends talked to PRIDE about this party tonight, and I was filled with some undescribed emotion. In my head I thought," this is probably one of the gay house parties that I long to be at on Friday nights. DAMN". PRIDE got my number and I went to go get on the train. I was so disgusted in myself, and the, "wassup". I kept screaming in my head," You could have extended your hand, did something. DAMN." Again I will have to wait until next week. ( But then after reading what I wrote one paragraph up, do I want to risk what MAY happen next week.)


I decided I didn’t want to catch the train, and walked to get on the bus. As I walked up, RICKY’s best friend walked the opposite way. The bus wasn’t coming, so I decided to walk around Center City. RICKY’s friend was at a food cart, on the street I was walking on. I was going to walk past. But they had some RED HOT CHIPS. ( I LOVE HERR’S RED HOT CHIPS.) I bought some and some seeds, and continued to walk. After two blocks I stopped in one of the dark windows to adjust my fitted hat. I saw RICKY, PRIDE, and TALLBOY ( Ricky’s friend name for the time being.) I was like, "Are they following me?" Another block up I stopped to get a free newspaper, and they were much closer to me. Another block I turned, but they didn’t. I went to get my photo ID from Community College, but after much drama I didn’t. As I sat and waited for the photographer to come back from their break. I felt somewhat hurt, and since I had no one but myself to lash out at. I tore myself down, which isn’t good. I built myself back up quickly afterwards.


I USED TO BE REALLY SOCIAL ABLE, WHEN I WAS EXTRA FEMME QUEENY. But she had to die, to keep me alive. (Literally) I was so mad at how I’ve become this boring person. WHY AM I GETTING SO HYPE OVER MAKING GAY FRIENDS? IS IT REALLY THAT SERIOUS? Of course my teenage mind thinks it is but maybe I’m hype. NOPE. Alright so," good morning," should be good right? I have a disdain for my socialness now, I must bring this down, it’s the only way to start building a life. I am so disgruntled that I am acting like a DL. EWWWW. YUCKY YUCKY DL MALE.


I DON"T KNOW.


I am such a loser. A DL loser at that. (LOL)


I wonder if PRIDE and the others discussed me. DAMN. I should’ve gotten her number. Maybe she’ll call. But after her last round of questioning she left me saying," you know you gay, don’t be in that closet too long, it starts to kill you".( The pride people can work your emotions right on out the closet can’t they? LOL) So if they asked my orientation she probably said something like," closet lover". THAT SO ISN’T CUTE. But they seem to be on the same, everyone should be out mission. So whatever.


I can’t believe I am this hype over making some friends. Maybe because it is a GORGEOUS day, and I’m stuck inside with NOTHING AT ALL to do. Also, my normal lot of friends seem bored with me. Maybe its just my judgmental perception.



So it is now about 3:30, with nothing really to do. So I think for my afternoon I’ll write an article for my online newspaper, do some homework, exercise, masturbate, nap, and whatever else until about nine. (That is when good programming comes on basic television. LOL)
OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW MUCH OF A LOSER I AM. It’s alright though. LOL. I take it in stride.



If forty is the new twenty, does that make me negative four?-Marz


-Marz

REPRESSION

Last week, I tapped into a lot of emotions that I have kept repressed for so long. I repress a lot of my feelings, because expressing them is kind of hard. Of course I don't really care about expressing feelings to most people. But the emotions being represed, are those unexpressed to my parents.

I am expected to be quiet, and not talk back. Not show how I feel. Hide being the Christian facade, like the pastor's wife who is having herpes breakouts in church from her husband's extra marital affair. Any emotion that is not of"GOD", is attached with a demon. I can't be sad, because then I have a depression demon. Angry, I have an anger demon, and so on, and so forth. Anytime I show forth some type of feeling, I am told to pray.


I NEED TO YELL.


Most children my age get to talk back to their parents. Older people find that to be sacrilege and totally out of thier mind to be able to grasp. Because they still can't tell their parents," no" at fifty. I don't want to be one of those people at a funeral, conflicted whether I want to yell" I hate you," or," I love you". Now I love my parents, but we all have seen one of those people at a funeral who didn't like the person who has died, but they should. Since they have so many repressed feelings, and emotions, they aren't able to show what they should, and instead the repression is let up. My mother will allow me to say whatever for only so long, then she gets her face. My father doesn't allow any of it, because he has a fear that he'll lose ground with me. He feels once he loses ground, then I'll want to fight him. Because he wanted to fight/kill his father, and he thinks I'm think like him.( So passed that immature stage.)

I guess I just need an outlet, a way to release from certain things, frustrations, and STRESS. And I'm not allowed to, everywhere I go is quiet. School is quiet, my parents can't dwell in anything but quiet. I WORK AT A DAMN LIBRARY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. Last week in my moods, I bought a cd. The groups name is Skillet, and they are like Christian rock. I like them, moreover, I like the anger expressed in their music. One verse may be this sadistic scream coming form the core of the singers belly. Everytime I hear it, I just want to rip stuff up, and go a bit crazy. They are so hot, I have to find out about their tour dates or something, and catch them in concert. It would be one of those mosh pit concert where you jump the whole time. HOT.


I have so many things I need to say, so much anger to vent, I don't think I can cry anymore tears after years 10-12. (LOL) So many undescribed feelings that need to be dealt with. But I can't. This blog doesn't really get the whole of my feelings, because if I'm angry after eight. It doesn't matter, because I can't be on the internet after then. Let me say some things I've been dying to say for FOREVER. (They probably won't make sense yo any readers, but I know exactly what they mean......)

IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE UGLY.

NO ONE ASKED YOU TO.

I DON'T CARE.

IF YOU SAY ONE MORE WORD I WILL CUT OUT YOUR TONGUE, SET IT ON FIRE, AND THROW THE ASHES IN YOUR EYES, SO YOU CAN SEE THE NEGATIVITY YOU SPEW UPON MY SOUL EVERYDAY. (This is my normal lingo at home, extra drama queen to show my opression. But you see my damn rules. ( Scroll down a lil)LOL)


║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I║║I


This week has been really good. I didn't have school on Monday or Tuesday. ON MOnday I went to a AIDS convention at thomas Jefferson University Hospital. I didn't think it was well planned out, and the staff seemed very unproffessional. I dind't learn a lot. But, I have been learning a lot from LEE.

My cousin HOLY was there, when the staff starting talking about how homosexual males are at a higher risk, because most have anal sex. He started to scream," homosexuality is an abomination in the eyesight of God". I found it funny he didn't say anything when they talked about heterosexual anal sex. I also was glad I saw the growth in me. Back in the day I would have recoiled upon any words. But I sat shoulders broad, smiling still, and reading my Metro. We didn't talk much. I answered a lot of the questions about sex. So I was concerned what he would tell my aunt, and what she would say to G-mom PAstor. Knowing him, and the rivalry he has created in his head, he thinks that I'm having sex. He probably was filled with green and wanted to nail someone on the spot. MY WATERS ARE UNTAINTED IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO PICK UP A BOOK AND READ. ( let me move one.)


I started college, with my English 101. I so am going to knock out my first year of college before I start full-time. My professor is this nice Nigerian man. I liked him. (Not like that.) There aren't any sexies in the classroom who I'd like to throw their thighs across my shoulders and......


But I know I'm going to pass, I'm already done Monday's assignment and it's Friday. WHEW ME. Third semester in high school starts Monday, I want to rock that out also. I have to get it.

Tomorrow is my Saturday school program, and the cute gay boys will be there. GOD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THEM BE SANE, LET ME BE ABLE TO MAKE SOME NEW SANE FRIENDS. GOD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T LET ME BE IN MY LONER MOODS, AND BE ABLE TO SHOW SOME SORT OF PERSONALITY. PLEASE GIVE ME A PERSONALITY TO BE ABLE TO SHOW. PLEASE GOD PLEASE.


Alright I feel like it should be good tomorrow. And speaking of friends, my friends are planning a trip to New york. Because our ski trip was planned so poorly. They just gave us flyers demanding $165.00 next week. My friends know my situatuon with my parents, and they are scheming and conniving to get me to go. I FEEL SO TOUCHED. Of course I know how to work an emotion, and manipulate a feeling. So I should most definitely be GOING. I hope I do SOOOO MUCH. Of course I have my setbacks in going, but I've never been to NEW York. It could be fun, all the people there are always so hype about it. " We live in New York; we're banging; we're so hype because all the law& Order series are set here; HAHAHAHAHA" So Who knows?



SEE YALL.

If you pray for me, I'll pray you don't get hit by a bus. That doesn't mean you won't get hit by a car though. -Marz (Remember when I used to put little cute quotes, I have a few surfacing.LOL)




-Marz

Late Night Friday

It's Friday night, and all I hear is the soft hum of the computer fan. In my brain, the tune from that Fiona Apple song is driving me insane." Bum bum bum buhbuhbuh bum". My thoughts are running wild, rampant, and plenty as usual. I have no one to talk to, everyone is asleep, or doing their own thing. I don't have a thing, and since. my blog, you would be a great friend to me if you weren't inanimate. I'm talking to you.


I have written or pre-written this post several times. Wondering what others are doing, what fun they are having while I type type type in my little friend, as a fan hums, and Fiona hits the keys in my head." Bum bum bum buhbuhbuhBUM". DAMN FIONA if only you sung gospel then I wouldn't have to wait until whenever to hear that damn song.

RANDOMNESS is coming from me, because this is what comes from me every Friday. As I sit wherever, feeling socially outcasted. But who outcasted me from the socialness, I guess I did. I could blame my parents for the strong moral structure which they have built around my life. But, after a certain age I don't think its cute to blame your parents anymore. I haven't reached that age yet, but let's pretend I'm there. It will save in years of theraphy as an adult.

Tears fill me stomach with the hydrocholic acid, and fish for dinner. But they aren't tears to cry, they are tears to reflect on. In broken mirrors causing seven years bad luck. Year five is almost done with.


LET ME STOP BEING FAKE, LET'S GET DOWN PAST SURFACES TO THE DEEP STILL RUNNING WATERS.


I WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE. I feel like I am a good enough child, I deserve to go out, and experience being a real teen. WHY MUST I BE TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE? I'm tired of feeling so damn old all the time, always being so damn reasonable.


OMG did I just say that?


The reasonable side can't even let that slide. Saying," trick you don't deserve anything, you are supposed to be good, you don't get a reward for what is required of you. Get out of here with that mess". Its true.

I want to work out, but I don't feel like going into the basement. I need to get ready for school tomorrow. But I can't, my mind won't rest at peace. WHY CAN'T I EVER BE AT PEACE WITHIN MYSELF? Too many thoughts, too many ideas. Why must I be left by my lonesome so often? Left with my thoughts, left with my ideas, that are constantly floating through my head.

DO YOU REALIZE MY TEENAGE YEARS, I HAVE POST IDEAS UP UNTIL MARCH? THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE THE LITTLE THING CALLED LIFE WHICH WILL MAKE SOME INTERESTING TURNS.

In these moments, I always try to reach out and grab something like if I had this then I wouldn't feel like I do at this moment. If I had a boyfriend I could call him. BUT I HATE USING THE PHONE. If I had a personality I would be invited to parties. Maybe... Maybe.... Maybe..... NO. Life is not built upon maybe's, if's, or shuolda woulda's, they are built upoin fact. FACT IS: I need to shut the hell up, and get over it.

"bum bum bum buhbuhbuh bum".

I want some ice cream, maybe Breyer's French Vanilla. I have some cookies, but I don't want them. Funny how earlier I was so intent on pumping up my arms; after seeing the bulkiness of the basketball team, which resulted in the extra bulkiness of my boot cut jeans. Funny how people want what they can't have, and when they get it, they want the opposite or more.


SHould I desire freedom then?

Should I desire to be able to do something on a Friday night? I believe that I DESERVE to be able to do whatever, because I am supposedly so good by my own standards. Is freedom only something that I want because I don't have it? If it is human nature to look upon what you have newly received with disdain after a while. Then isn't it better to stay in my oppression, than to be unoppressed and feeling disgruntled? And seing as I wouldn't want to appear ungrateful by my new freedom, I would hide it under the SURFACE. Or maybe then I really wouldn't have an excuse for my lack of a social life. All of the arrows would point towards me.

YEAH. I think I'll just sit in oppression. Better to know that I am here because of my rules, and whatever else. Than facing the fact that if I didn't have these rules, I'd probably be here, because I am so damn boring. Yeah........


"bum bum bum buhbuhbuh BUM". damnit now jill scott wants to join in.

" do do do doooo do dooooooooooo DO BUMP BUMP BUMP"

OH look the tears are starting to flow down now, how cute. How quaint? How wonderful of me?


This is one of those post where the cursor is the tennis ball in the game of " save as draft", or " publish Post".


I think I'll publish it, for this is a part of my teenage years. Where I am being whiny about situations. AT LEAST I HAVE PARENTS THAT CARE ENOUGH TO ENFORCE RULES ON ME. ( Damn I hate being so old all the time. WHat damn person my age would say some mess like that?)


To be my real age is such a longing, OH wait. Then I'd have to be on the block. But I have dimples and a fat face, and those types aren't good for the block. They give off a gay vibe, that can't be concealed under homothugishness. So I guess to be my age and black and gay. I must be at some house party starting my days as a low-self esteemd whore early. Or on the suicidal tip.

Why am I constantly syaing this?

Maybe because that is how I feel my orientation+age+race is always displayed. Oh but I left out, carrier of the disease, future alcholic, bitter person altogether.

That wasn't nice. But niceness and truth rarely go hand in hand. That is how gay youths are viewed today. Makes me wonder is that why everyone wants to be my mentor, keep me from these paths. If so, I guess there is nothing wrong with that. But mentors are for people who don't have thier own minds. ( Why do I always do that? Try to elude my feelings, make me appear higher than others. IT ISN'T WORKING LITTLE BOY.)



I'm tired but can't achieve rest. Sleep is for anyone who can lay their head on a pillow. But I need rest.

I need to stop complaining, because complainging is for the ungrateful. No one likes an ungrateful person, and I don't want to be one. ( Unliked or ungrateful.) But many hate me, so I mine as well just aim for the gratefulness.

I just did some push-ups, it probably won't change anything physically.

"bum bum bum buhbuhbuh bum".


What kind of friend are you blog? You don't even talk back.................................................................................................................................................................

Screw you too whore.


Until tomorrow night, I leave these emotions alone. To find a hand created ecstasy, and view the four bitter hoes with low self-esteem. ( sex&the city)





-Marz

"You're not going to go wild"

This is what a million people have told me throughout my life. When I talk about how much fun getting out of my damn house will be. My friends all say," You are going to go crazy. You’re going to come back from college for winter break with your hair dyed green, with spikes coming form you jaw". It isn’t that serious, but I guess people don’t know my rules. So I’ll share them here, because it takes to long to tell everyone in real life. (Also, because if my readers are going to read I guess thry need a better knowledge of why I say certain things.)


Of course my parents are ministers, so I am restricted form a lot. Hence the reason why all church children are stereotypically the crazy ones.


TELEVISION RULES: We don’t have cable, and I can’t stay up past 9:00 p.m. on weekdays and Sunday. ON Friday nights, and Saturday nights, my parents want me in bed before 11:00. In the summer they want me in bed at 11:00 everyday.


Shows I’m banned from and Why:


1. Basically all adult cartoons( Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park) Because they’re vulgar, disgusting and morally bankrupt.
2.That 70' show ( which I loved) Because they make drugs appear fun, and make virgin seem bad.
3.Everything after 9.
4. Anything on cable.
5.Charmed Because it has witchcraft.
6. Soap Operas Because they lead to sin.


The list goes on, but I only see about one hour of television once a week so it doesn’t matter anyway.



MUSIC



Only gospel music. Everyone else is going to hell, and their music influence you to be sinful.

BOOKS


Only approved reading materials can be read. Preferably little kid books, without cursing, and the bible is always around. ( we literally have about twenty bibles around the house.)



My bags are checked when I come in the house. Because I might be bringing something in.



CURFEW. What the hell is that? I’m not allowed outside unless its school related. They expect me home on weekends at 2:00 p.m. All we do is sit at home and watch the cooking shows on PBS.



INTERNET: We have dial-up so it takes forever to do everything. I have to do fun internet outside the house. Because I can basically only use the home computers for homework.



PHONE: They listen on the other side, or want to know the conversation in detail. I don’t use the phone. Since I am so strong-willed when I decide to do something I DO IT. I vowed never to use the phone again after they listened in on this conversation and wanted to act crazy. ( This boy in middle school wanted to know about the homework.)



FUN. What is that? I truly don’t know. I am not able to do anything. Everything is chalked up or down to the devil or sin. Everything has a demon tied to it according to my parents, and since we are Christians. We don’t partake in demonic things. It really seems like whenever I find something fun they find a way to make it wrong. " Stop playing with that string, that’s girly(homosexual demon in the string AHHH RUN.)". Whenever I’m seen at home enjoying my time doing whatever, I am given a task to do. I don't have A DAMN LIFE.


I'm only allowed to have friends they approve of. They approve of no one, they allow me out with Kiki, but my mother thinks I'm trying to impregnate her. My parents are always leaving hints, tips, schemes to convert her to Christianity. (My father so tried to give her the plan of salvation.)


I can’t even get into all the rules. It’s funny because there are so many. But I can’t remember any of them right now. I guess because they have become so commonplace I’ve just given up.

My friends are constantly trying to give me advice, and say I should demand stuff. Telling me what they would do, and how they would do it. But I see no purpose in rebelling, what does it get you. I mean I used to care so much about the "devil’s music" when I was in elementary school. All the other kids knew the words to the Biggie and Tupac songs, and I didn’t. I felt like a loser. ( I was. LOL) But I mean, I don’t care now. So I realize that now, I may feel like having friends to go somewhere with on the weekends would be fun. But, will I care in three years. Probably not.


I mean of course I hate these rules. I feel like I am in bondage. I need to break free. My parents aren’t even forty yet, and they are the oldest people I could ever wish to meet. THEY CAN’T STAY UP PAST 9:30 p.m. When they do the next day all you hear is," I am so sleepy, I shouldn’t have stayed up so late". ( Ten o’clock is late to them.) I have taken on so many characteristics of them. I FEEL SO OLD ALL THE DAMN TIME. If I ever stay up past 1 in the morning I am no good. I sometimes wonder how I’m supposed to stay up next summer before college when I go to a ball. They have me enjoying being quiet, slow, and boring. My parents are making me the most boring person on Earth. They are halfway done.


In spite of all of this, I found some sort of silver lining. Even though my parents are strict, they are just following what they believe. This teaches me that no matter what that I should do what I believe. For instance, I let my mom listen to some India Arie, and she responded," WoW. I like her, she has a positive message, she keeps her clothes on, and she isn’t singing about mess". I then asked about getting some of her music. " no. She may be all those things but she isn’t saved". In this world where people are constantly trying to divert you from being you and what you believe this reinforces me to hold true to myself and beliefs. The truly hilarious things is my parents always say," You’re wthe one we trust, and allow to do the most".


"You aren’t going to go wild".


I guess I have to take in perspective what people mean by going wild. Wild for me may be staying up past 9 on a weekday, and not for school work. Buying a Jill Scott cd, and using the phone. Others usually get this face like they imagine this drunken high boy running around organizing trains of twenty and I’m the only passenger.


Then there is the batch who always refer me to think about how soon college will be. I know that it’s 1 year 7 months and 1 day away already. But college isn’t going to have any affect on my life. For as my father said some time ago when I expressed my joy in going to college to be free. " Don’t think because you go off to college we can’t still punish you. You will be on punishment when you come back from school for the breaks". Meaning they expect me to follow their rules up on campus.


( That train is starting to sound good. LOL) ( MESS. Let me stop, before someone goes and organizes it at my future college as a welcome to our school party. LOL)


Oh yeah, last Thursday I had a breakdown. It wasn’t an ugly one. But I started to laugh insanely, and say random things that were annoying me recently. (Alright so it was a bit crazy. LOL)

I forgot last wednes day yesterday, which was a HORRIBLE day. It was just bad, I don't ally want to re-cap. I came home from my long crazy day, and went straight to bed at 8 o'clock. I didn't eat dinner, and still woke up tired after 10 hours of sleep.



-Marz

CLEANING MY LIFE

Last week in my insanity, I cleaned my room. Cleaning is so relaxing to me, it has so much symbolism in it. While cleaning I saw the symbolism of my room as my life. How in my life I have those places were I don’t touch. Those places where I know mess is, but won’t go there. I just let it fester, and whatever. I have the things in my life which I am so easy to go to, quick to change, dust,, and disinfect.


When I clean my room my format is first pick up the clothes and put them in a dirty clothes hamper. This represented how I let myself to not be organized. Save things for later, when the time counts, and they arne’t right. If I were to put them in a hamper to being with, then I wouldn’t have to wait until I went to clean it. ( I usually do, but my family always wants to steal the hampers.) I then vacuum the floor, moving all the big things, that shouldn’t be vacuumed on my bed. Vacuuming is like getting rid of the small things, an easier way then sweeping, getting down and dirty. Its to much easier for me to deal with mysle fin a quick easy way. Then getting down and looking all the way down at my issues. But no matter how I get it done, it gets done.


After the floor is done, I put all the stuff on my bed were it belongs. Put the chair under the desk, and the stereo in the corner. I am then left with a little left. ( because my room is small). I then go over to my desk which has been filled with mess. I then have to take everything and sort through it. How I let all these papers, and whatever else sort up is beyond me. This paper is from three months ago, why haven’t I thrown it away? I go through my life not conscious of stuff that I have allowed to accumulate, until I actually am stopped by it (or view the big pile of papers). Then that is when it becomes a problem, when I have to sort through, ripping things up, so others don’t find my address. After all the papers are discarded, I start to organize my desk.


DISCARDING
When I clean I throw so much away. My mother always says,: you can’t clean without throwing something away". We as people try to clean our lives up without throwing something away. We try to organize mess, and try to make it appear right. How we make other subject to our organized crap, and dare them to say otherwise about it. I threw away more than usual last week. I went through those places that I don’t normally go. That place in out lives where we like to leave alone, because revisiting that spot may be too much for us. I got rid of some clothes, which is heart-breaking for me. I remember what I felt when I wore those clothes, what I was trying to portray. Most of them were form when I was fat. When throwing the clothes away, I reached a sort of epiphany. Many of the clothes I couldn’t fit in the first place, and they were from when I was trying to butch it up. Yet, even though I knew I wasn’t going to wear them. Because of size, or what they would personify about myself. I couldn’t seem to let go. In my head I kept thinking, " what if we get fat again?" " I don’t see why there is a problem with that shirt and jean set with the guns on them". How I tried to rationalize keeping something I had no need for. HOW MANY THINGS IN MY LIFE HAD I RATIONALIZED TO KEEP THAT HAD NO PURPOSE IN MY LIFE WHEN I ACQUIRED THEM? I threw them all in the trash bag, so they would be taken to the thrift store. I then began to think about when I HAD to shop at the thrift store and wished I could find something like what I was throwing away; the boy who would see the clothes, and his smile would shine. ( But my mother says we are giving them to some man form out church. HEY. I like being a blessing to others.)
I finished with the dusting and the other things. I still didn’t go into places which are closed off like my closet. ( I have such a crazy history with that closet, and I’m not prepared to open it.) I made my bed, and layed on it, staring at the roof as I so often do.

I looked over my room, and it seemed to have a different aura. Clean houses, rooms, etc have a different feel then when they are dirty. I always look at my clean room, and say," I’m going to keep it like this". I map out ways to eliminate the filth from building up again. But they never seem to totally take hold.
But cleaning our rooms (lives) is a constant endeavor. There will always be a new thing brought in, taken out. Dust forming, lights that need replacing, a new wall color, and maybe some demolishing. But no matter how dirty our rooms (lives) we get we should always make a conscious effort to clean it, and to the best of our ability, not some half-assed thing that we would be embarrassed to show someone.


-Marz

UNHEALTHY (Part 2)

Moving right along with my unhealthiness. This is one is starting the plunge into me, the one I said to prepare for.


Social Health- interactions with people to build satisfying relationships.


Social Health Grade: Z


I personally think I have the personality of mildew on a dead tick. It’s hard to say actually. I can start conversations when I want to, but that is rare. I have like business social skills, because I am always trying to get an internship. But I don’t build satisfying relationships, or really have any.


I am a loner. Always have been, probably always will be. I love being alone, in my room staring at a wall. (YES I KNOW I’M WEIRD.) It tracks back to elementary school recess when I played by myself ( pun it if you want to) in the woods, on the far side of the playground from the other kids. I was always the one alone, in my higher level school work. The one who had a disdain for other children. I have my moments, of course, when I want someone to joke with, I venture out of my self-imposed square. But, this isn’t too often.


I am social in school, to the extent where I am friendly. But, I don’t really give too much of me to anyone. I don’t see a reason why I should. I feel like none of the people I talk to on a daily basis are going to be in my life after graduation. So what is the point?


I think it’s because everyone has an idea or definition of what they want their friends to be. And when we see what we have, and view them as inadequate to our definitions of friends. Then it’s like, "damn I don’t have friends or real friends". I would say that all my friends have some sort of dimension. Some are school friends, work friends, church friends, play friends. Now some of them can cross the barriers, and break the thresholds, but right now only KIKI is doing that.


The older people are always saying," you need to get over that loneliness, that doesn’t get you a girl". ( Usually an older uncle.) Well seeing as boys talk with their eyes, maybe I should just practice my blinking. Or maybe because half of them I don’t care about being social too in the first place, because they are confused, suicidal, DL-ed, crazy, a mess, and the list goes on. ( I’m not the exception. I fit into the crazy part. LOL. I find it funny how people leave themselves out the groups.) If someone walked up to me hand extended," Hi, I’m Davis". (My future husband’s name at the moment LOL) then I would shake it and say something witty. Even though I am not that funny.


WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIPS DO I WANT TO BUILD?


Well let’s just cut romantic ones right on out. I soo don’t have time for anyone else. (WILL I EVER? MAYBE. LOL) When I meet people I always throw out this overly friendliness. So they know I have no type of sexual connotation. I am clueless about dating in todays’ society, but from what I see you put on a front as a playboy, and lick your lips a lot. I don’t really get along with boys, at ALL. There are so few that I get along with, and that is usually because they are quiet boys. (Come to think of it) a greater majority of my male friends are really shy. I discovered in middle school that boys are so full of themselves, always trying to keep a facade running. I don’t have time to peek through your mess, see what you’re really saying, translate it, and then act like I don’t know what you’re saying. That is why girls and I get DOWN. I walk into a room, find the first girl who has a sense of self, and head right towards her. Strike up some conversation, through out the I’m-not-a-sex-threat vibes, and I have a new friend.


Family relationships hold no interest to me really. My parents both disowned their family, but have this belief that I won’t disown them. I don’t want to, but knowing them I’ll have to for my sanity. I know how my family is, and they will never make the transition from boy to man. I mean they treat me like I’m three now. Overall, I would say that I don’t know. When it really comes down to it, I’m my best friend. My family are going to be dropped like a baby five months overdue, and romance HA, I laugh at that word and the thoughts that come with them. People nowadays don’t know what that is, anyone can throw some flowers on a bed, run some water, and light some candles. CAN SOMEONE BE CREATIVE.



I have no form of a social life. So I keep myself busy to not acknowledge this fact. I am the most boring teenager on the face of the planet. ( Well maybe just in Philadelphia. LOL) ut I’ve accepted that and moved on, somewhat.



Mental Health- the ability to recognize reality and cope with the demands of daily life.


Mental Health Grade- C

I am able to recognize reality well, so I won’t even go there. But I don’t cope with the daily demands of my life well. On a normal day, I am up at about 6:00 a.m. and I don’t get to bed until around 11:30 p.m. All of that consists of work, school, and more work. I fall short on so many things, a homework assignment, getting to school on time. My mind works so fast that I need breaks, and time to relax. I usually get this during my baths with some jazz playing. My head is submerged in the water, but all I hear is my thoughts. Imagine every word from this blog from beginning to now, running through your head in a single line in about two minutes. IT IS MIND-WRECKING. Sometimes I just want to stop thinking but I can’t turn my damn brain off. I am doing alright with my new scheduling of things, but some times I can’t cope with daily demands. Most times I don’t feel like getting out the bed. Most times I wake up sleepy, because sleep doesn’t equal rest. I need to rest my mind, body, and soul.


WHAT DOES MY LIFE DEMAND?


I am constantly demanded to be as near to perfection as I can. Up early, dressed fly, looking right. Getting to school twenty minutes before the bell. Happy, Smiling. Homework done, making the grades, making the friends. Getting to work, dealing with my crazy bosses, playing with the dumb funky children. Leaving there, going to an extra curricular, having done what was assigned. Leaving there, coming home, dealing with the ministers; wanting to be in my life, discuss my day in length when I don’t care. Eat, maybe do dishes ( depending on the month) homework for a few hours. Start it all again.


Throughout all of this, I see people like the valedictorian of my class. She does everything I do and more. She has probably five more curriculars than me, a boyfriend, and a social life. Walking around unboastful about her 4.07 grade point average. What does she have that I lack? Who knows? But then, do I really wish to have that drive in me? I don’t think I do. I need to learn how to cope with my daily demands, because more are being added all the time. Also, last Tuesday I shutdown in the middle of my day. I was walking around not doing anything. I just was on the verge of losing it all. I dropped my pencil, to hold onto my sanity, I was no good for the rest of the day.


SELF-ESTEEM ( this isn’t in the health list but I’m adding it.)


Self esteem- feeling good about yourself and your abilities 2. Pride in and acceptance of yourself; sense of personal wealth.

Self- Esteem Grade: A+


I have high self-esteem. But last week it fell a few pegs. It wasn’t like suicidal level, but it was like the level of normal people. I was walking around feeling self conscious about how I looked. When normally even when I look a mess, I’m not all freaked out. Because I have grown from that phase where my self-esteem relies upon if I’m fly, if my hair is fresh, my nails newly polished and whatever else. I looked in the mirror in the school library and was like," OH MY LAWD" in a bad way. I mean I know that I’m not the best thing to look at, and I’ve accepted that. So many people spend their entire lives trying to be a 10 ( facewise). I’m here to say, "what the hell is wrong with a solid 6?" Of course this is my own rating system which is extra harsh. Truthfully, after all the trauma I have been through. I know what each scar, mark, and blemish represents, and I know how they used to look. I am proud at the way I look. Bodywise, I am so tired of this damn 16 year old body. ( Truthfully, I am through with all 16-year-old boys bodies.) My upper body is so damn scrawny I HATE IT. My legs, and thighs are always together. I am disgruntled about my ass ( TMI coming) I think it looks flat, because after losing the weight it isn’t what it was. I got over my lower self-esteem last week. I realized that self-esteem isn’t something that you just get, and it stays with you for forever. You have to keep up with it, I do so much. Always giving myself love, gifts, compliments. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MYSELF IN A HEALTHY WAY. (Not like arrogant mirror kissers. LOL.)


MY ABILITIES


I don’t feel my abilities are amazing. I truly don’t feel I have any special abilities. Two weeks ago, a friend asks if he can send me an essay to read. I asked,"Why?" He went on to talk about how great I write, and all this other stuff. I responded," I can’t write boy, but you can send it anyway". I took a look at myself, and saw I throw a lot of self doubt in my path as a way to keep me humble. I mean I can write somewhat, its nothing amazing what I do here or anywhere else. But to keep me from getting like," I’m MARZ. I write better than everyone". (You know prideful.) I tell myself. "Bitch you writing is not that good. Don’t go get all bigheaded". I guess to keep myself to strive until the point where I say to myself," oh you can write". Also, I think there are other factors that are thrown into the mix.( Focusing on writing as my ability now.) The way I write is what is expected of someone in my school, with the type of English class that I take. I am nothing special, because how I write is the norm. It is what I should be doing, and not something I should be applauded for. Like how in a family where no one received their high school diploma, if you were the first to get yours you would feel special. But someone else whose whole family holds a PhD, you still have about six more years to go before you just get a smile. I think I have a fear of being prideful, and that keeps me from being happy about some of my abilities.

I have pride and acceptance of who I am. I have accepted all of my craziness, my mess, my essence, my goods, my bads, and my uglies. My still waters that run SO damn deep, I sometimes drown reaching the bottom myself. I have a high sense of personal wealth. I am supposed to hate myself, because I am a poor black fag in the ghetto; who will probably get shot on my way to school or contract HIV/ AIDS. But those people must have the personal wealth of 0. Personal wealth is that type of thing that money can’t buy. Like happiness, love, fulfilling your life purpose. Price tags fail to take hold, no matter how strong the glue is.


I LOVE ME SO MUCH, AND I HATE WHEN I SEE MYSELF CRY, HURT, FEEL PAIN. THAT I JUST WANT TO END ALL OF THAT, BECAUSE I LOVE SEEING ME SMILE.


So I’m still unhealthy, but I’ve admitted to it. It’s like that first step, admitting you have a problem. Now I must make changes to make myself better. I have some things planned to change all five aspects making a healthy person.


So how is your mental, and social health? Self-esteem? I am dying to know.


-Marz

UNHEALTHY (PART 1)

Last week, I discovered that I am unhealthy. Health is defined as, a state of well-being that comes from a goof balance of the five aspects of health. The five aspects of health include, social health, spiritual health, mental health, physical health, and emotional health. I’m going to break this down in two days of what I discovered about me. Maybe a reader can discover something about themselves and their health status.


Emotional health- expressing feelings in an appropriate way.


Health Grade: C


I am alright at expressing emotions. I write things out, and pray a lot. I’m not running around tormenting children with my anger. However, because feelings aren’t being expressed negatively doesn’t mean they’re being expressed positively. I do good at expressing emotions. I deal with a lot of my stuff alone. Because I am not the type of person to go around talking about my issues. I know me best, so I can deal with me best. (with God’s help.) This is because I don’t trust other people, and I don’t believe in going to someone for help when they are a mess themselves. WHO ISN’T A MESS? Many people want to make themselves available to me, and I sort of play mind games with them. I ask them a myriad of questions about themselves so I can draw out some issue. Then I walk away saying," That psycho thinks they have some type of something to offer me... HA I laugh... what the hell do they know. They are still holding on to stuff from twenty years ago". Also, a lot of my issues are multi dimensional. They aren’t quick answer problems. I know the dimensions, and explaining the dimensions takes so much time that by that time I could have the answer. Maybe I need to get over this, who Knows? ( I guess I do since I have a C)


But people always view this as expressing anger, or distress. I think I am good at expressing joy, and other emotions. I am a silly person. I express positive emotions great. I think a lot of people are so conscious of how they express negative emotions that they fail to remember how to express the positive. Giving smiles, hellos, hugs, etc.


Spiritual health- maintaining harmonious relationships with other living things and having spiritual direction and purpose.


Spiritual Grade: F

My spiritual life is so out of whack. I am at a point where I am distinguishing the difference between the religion of Christianity and the gospel which Jesus lived and professed 2,039 years ago. There is so much that I don’t understand. No one has the answers, and even if they did, I wouldn’t really listen. I have to learn things on my own, otherwise they serve me no purpose. Also, how can someone else direct me on my own spirituality. I need a break from the church, the religion which is pushed down my throat so hard. I mean my lawd, both of my parents are ministers, as well as my grandmothers, aunts, and uncles. My cousins are already thinking about theology school.

Many people are always like if you have issues with your spirituality talk to your pastor, spiritual leader. I don’t believe in spiritual leaders/ pastors, etc. I live with an evangelist, and a deacon, and they are just as full of mess. I could go to the pastor saying whatever, but would he not go to my parents. Of course he would. And again I deal with my alone, and I don’t need him to help me. I need a break.


But I can’t get a break. Church has become a mark on a schedule, and I don’t feel as though it should be that way. It has become an obligation, and not going to better myself. Truthfully, I don’t feel bettered there. I have grown a disdain for the bible, I don’t listen to any of the sermons. I feel so... I don’t know..sinful. Because the (supposed) ways of living righteous are so prevalent in my life, by what everyone is constantly professing. But, all of this has to be covered up by that fake Christian facade. I can’t express any of this to my parents. They surely didn’t care how I felt when we switched churches. ( My old church was more of a mess than this one.)


I am expected to be a minister, every time I tell someone about my parents. They always react the same way," HMM, you a churchy church boy. You know they the worst ones. They are bad, and freaky." ( LOL NO comment. LOL)" So you’re going to join the church like the rest of your family?" I mean even the people in my family who don’t minister, have some basis of their theology degree. MY GRANDMOTHER IS REGISTERED TO ORDAIN FOLK FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE. I have been prophesied on in my mother’s belly, that I am going to be a bishop. I always say that I don’t want it, and everyone always answers, "It’s not up to you, God will have his way in your life". I know this is true, but I truly can’t see me as a bishop. Being there for a bunch of people all the time. Perpetrating living a perfect life to make the congregation think they can do it too. HAVE A WIFE. Recently I’ve been on this sort of weird phase, I’m like" I’m not going to say I’ll be straight forever because I truly don’t know. Maybe I will like girls one day". ( You know never say never. But I think never can go here. I think I want to be open or something, I don’t like being closed minded so why should I be. I DON"T KNOW. Again I must say, I would have to be drugged, and high to be with a girl. I am not worth all that drama in any way, shape, or form. LOL) I Don’t know.


I want to experience Jesus, and not all the other things. Everything else is just static and I’m looking for a clear frequency. But gospel is only played on the AM, and everyone knows after dark all you get is static.

Physical Health- your physical characteristics and the way your body functions
Physical Health Grade"B


I don’t really like the definition. But I eat healthy, and exercise, but I am not where I could be. I am really healthy with my immune system, I get sick once every three years. But when I do get sick I catch some new disease and have to be quarantined. I am pretty good with this one, but I could be better.


For those who want to know. Last Monday was a horrible day. I literally almost had a heart attack. (I totally forgot I sort of have high cholesterol. DAMN STRESS LOL) My heart was hurting and I had to keep massaging it. I felt like so weirded out, and I was done with my school, job, and extra curriculars. I truly just wanted to have the attack, and be able to rehabilitate in Children’s Hospital. ( They have cable there, unlike my house. LOL) Okay this sounds crazy, but this is how I felt. There was just way too much stress, it piled up, and that day was just horrible. Two trolleys drove right past me, I was almost late, and had to run in the cold to get to school on time. My day was declared bad, and it wasn’t even 7:30 a.m. But I got through it very roughly, and went on to Tuesday when........


You’ll see tomorrow.


How are your physical, spiritual, and emotional health?


I am dying to know.


-Marz

MESS/ STATCOUNTER SUNDAY

Starting two weeks from today, I will begin to write pieces on spirituality on Sundays. Sorry I can’t give a broader perspective than Christianity, but that is the only religion I know. They will be on all aspects of the religion, and they won’t all deal with gays and the church. ( Because many probably expect that.)


Alright since I will be on a broader base than just my pastor’s ignorance I must say something about last week. ( Because I wasn’t writing.) The pastor was preaching about spiritual warfare. Christians are at war with the devil, and we have to not be tolerant of him. Of course he ventured onto homosexuality.


He was listening to the radio and heard an advertisement for Brokeback Mountain. He called the station exclaiming his outrage.


I was amazed that the conmgregation didn’t know about this movie. He had to explain it, " This is a story about homosexual cowboys. And they adverstise it saying’ this is the greatest love story every told’. About two men who have families. YEAH. Married with wives and children". (This of course struck a cord with the women who are still in there J.L King phases of suspecting there men.) Yes, I called. Don’t you know when you offend the homosexual.... GENDER. They call up".


Well they obviously don’t listen to the Homosexual GENDER? ( I am so through addressing his ignorance. I wanted to jump out the window head first.) His last statement got a roar of laughter from the crowd. "John Wayne would turn over in his grave". Everyone agreed with him. I wonder if Martin Luther King turns over in his. HMMM ( Ponder)


{ BTW. So I don’t have to say whatever tomorrow. I am attending a HIV/AIDS conference thing. I don’t exactly know. I like that they have taken his birthday (or celebrated birthday) and made it into something positive. The majority of America strives to do some community service. Now let’s imagine we did it everyday as MLK did. HMMMM ( another ponder.) I also sometimes wonder about Mr. King Jr. About the Martin Luther King we didn’t know. I mean we are all human, and have flaws. Did he bite his toenails? Drink milk out the carton? Have a weird fetish? HMMM I also sometimes think about being a descendant from his gene pool. That must be so hard. They can never do anything wrong, go to jail. Have a life that isn’t prosperous and involved in civil rights. I mean I guess that’s good, but they must feel like the English princes. They want to get out, and do stuff sometimes. WHO KNOWS?}


He then went on giving a speech about how God justifies hating people. ( OH YES HE DID. USED SCRIPTURE AND EVERYTHING.)


I’m not going to quote him, because, I was about to die from internal rage. But the basics were, people say that we ( Christians, or humans in general) should love everyone as God loved everyone. God didn’t love everyone, because he wrote somewhere," Jacob I love, and Esau I hate". I was through, especially with the way he just justified hating people, and the fact no one challenged him, and they ate it up. He then started talking about how," we as Christians cannot tolerate sinful behaviors and reprobates". He went on to give examples of how to cut people lose from our lives who exemplify sinful behavior forever; until they get their lives together, and delivered from sin. MOMMY was so lovingly writing this loving sermon in her notebook. FATHER couldn't stop gazing upon the infinte wisdom of this pastor.





I BETTER HAD START PACKING NOW, BECAUSE I SURELY WILL BE LIVING ON THE STREET. (LOL)


I already know they’re going to kick me out. " We will not tolerate homosexuality in our house," will most likely be their statement of eviction. But according to the church, I am not a practicing homosexual. ( Meaning I haven’t had gay sex, or any for that matter.) So I don’t qualify until my hole is opened, or I enter someone elses. ( Being mouth, or whatever. ) Or is it have an orgasm with another man? The rules need to be made more finite, otherwise the cult members might be led astray.


Its going to be hard, because I am too picky to turn tricks. " Eww, why is your penis so crooked?". Alright I shouldn’t be making fun of this, because there are people living this as a reality. But I guess I’m putting a humorous tone on something that is more than likely destined to happen. But my savings account is already being compiled with a percentage of my minuscule check so I should be alright. ( for a day because of my stupid job.)

I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS CULT WE ARE IN.

After the sermon when they made us all stand up. The pastor satsrt screaming," Praise the Lawd, worship him, lift your hands to heaven". The whole audience obliged, I was so disturbed by this image. It was so cultish.


Anyway, this week of post are going to be real. About me last week, and the things I did to get through some stuff. Don’t come expecting some mask shown, because I will be raw, candid, and open. About myself and other things I see, that I don’t like. Fair warning. For those who are so curious about my disappearance.


I was so shocked by everyone, I was getting e-mails. People requesting my return early. People were actually saying I'm like a daily read and what not. I was like touched. I love yall.


STATCOUNTER SUNDAY


The data is weird because I didn't write all week. I want to know why I hit an all time high on like Wednesday? ( WEIRD)



-Marz

LALALALALALA

Photography by: MARZ




Yes my blog I love you, your essence, your spirit, your soul. Which is an personification of my essence, my spirit, my soul. That both add together equaling that which is Marz. Without you I have no form of self expression. I am an analytical being, roaming the world with numbers, science, etc. I’ve missed this art, and I almost died a few times this week without it. But, I am so glad I survived my near deaths, and learned a few things about me in the process.



I have so much to say. A week and then some stored in my core, but, I think my day should suffice. (LOL)


I failed Algebra 2. I’m really great in math, so it was a shock to me. I studied, passed the homework, and quizzes, but then I failed the tests. Which was a shocker too, because I have great test taking skills. ( Example: my high PSAT scores, tests in other subjects.) To make up for the D that would be on my report card as a final grade, I signed up for this makeup class. I’ll attend another high school on Saturday mornings, and take Algebra 2 again. But the grade from this session will go onto my report card. It should be easier, because the school isn’t as smart as my school. ( They accept anyone.)


This morning, I woke up and got ready. I waited for the trolley, which runs abnormally on weekends, so I knew I would be late. I get down Center City, and on the train with all these other kids, who were obviously going to the same place. I go inside, and some of the girls were giving me lustful looks. I was like," Oh, thanks sweety, you’re cute too". ( In my head) I go inside, and I follow the kids that attend this school normally. We end up going towards the auditorium. We go inside, and my eyes popped open, there were about 150 children there. I got a seat in the back, near some friendly associates from school. The administration started giving this remedial speech about what they expect. Everything they were saying was written on the papers they gave us, I listened with one ear, and joked with my associates.


There was this boy one seat in front and over from me. I didn’t see his face, he didn’t even make a movement( he was listening to his IPOD.) But my gaydar went OFF. I was like, "we haven’t even seen his face".( Talking to the voice in my head. LOL) The speeches ended, and everyone was highly upset they got up early to come to a remedial orientation. This program requires me to take two classes, so I decided to knock out World History for next year. Everyone rose to exit the building. I go outside the auditorium, and outside. I then realize I don’t know what time it is. I was supposed to meet KIKI at 11:30, and it had to be like 9.


I go back inside, and the GAYDAR boy walks up to me. " Did you get one of the SEPTA papers?"
Since many of the students have to use school tokens, we need authorized papers stating that we are doing something pertaining to school. Otherwise we have to use real tokens, which aren’t free, like school tokens.


" No," I respond, with a smile. ( We all know damn well he didn’t care if I had a paper. ( I surely didn’t, and he asked no one else.) He was scoping me out. LOL) So I went back inside the auditorium, and wrote the classes I desired. I went to get a SEPTA paper, but couldn’t find one. I went back outside into the foyer. I started glancing around for the boy, then gave up. All the corridors were empty, except for the children entering and exiting the building. I then walked to the glass window of the school office. I was looking for the time. I scanned the room from left to right, and then I saw GAYDAR on the phone. I walked back to the doors of the auditorium. POETIC GODDESS, and her boyfriend were exiting. I hugged here, and whispered in her ear," Be safe gurl". She screamed back," You know it honey, wrap it up!". ( LOL I love her so much.) I was about to exit for good, then GAYDAR and this other cute boy leave the office together. I go to go down the stairs. "Hey boy," GAYDAR calls out. No one was around so I knew he was talking to me. I turned, as he repeated "hey boy". I just looked as the two turned a corner, and GAYDAR pointed to his friend. ( I guess his friend liked me. WHO KNOWS?)


I was about to walk towards them. See what he was calling me for. ( Like I didn’t know.)

But all the women in my family appeared in front of me. " Don’t EVER chase after no man. If he wants you, let him chase you. I don’t run to dogs, dogs run to me. All men are dogs, but some you can train, discipline, and make them into something. One day you’ll turn around and see that you done turned him into a man with fleas." I laughed at the infinite wisdom of these women, who all had their husbands and in check. I walked down the steps, and got the time from a guard.


I walked outside were it was gloomy. But I was smiling inside. They would definitely be there next week. MARZ HAVE GAY BLACK MALE FRIENDS. Wouldn’t that be fun? Maybe even a future boyfriend. WHAT? I’m not going to get hype and over exaggerate something. But I will definitely be looking cute next week. ( I always look cute on weekends though, its not for them. But if they happen to notice......) I felt I don’t know. Cuter than usual, I mean girls are always staring. But I think its because I dress better than most boys. Or how they would want their future/boyfriends to dress. I was off to meet KIKI.


She was late as usual. We walked to the movie theaters, and saw the movie we wanted to see didn’t start for another hour. So we went to our second stop early. THE MAZZONI CENTER. I like to add a little craziness/ something different to our day trips. I decided with this one, we should get HIV/ STD tests. ( People don’t go scrolling down to the comment sexion early. My flower ( innocence, purity, cherry, LALALULU LOL) is still untouched, and locked in the damn garden. And frankly, I lost the key to the gate in the dirt, and don’t wish to look for it at this current moment in my life.) But I would be there for moral support, and who knows. There are other ways to catch something, than sex. THEY WERE CLOSED. I should’ve called. KIKI was happy she didn’t have to get tested. I’m still going to make her, just not today.


We went shopping, and I got something cute for my first day of college. Which begins this Wednesday people. I am so nervous/excited. I’m taking English 101 for right now. I placed really high on my placement tests. The counselor man was like," UMM, yeah. You can take anything starting from Pre-Calculus to English 101. And well you scored so high, you can take anything else you want. " I wanted to take a web design class. I mean mommy, and daddy are going to kick me out sooner or later. ( Because I like boys, or because I won’t want to abide by their cultish rules during winter breaks.) I need to have a skill I can cash in on. I also thought about you, my blog. Having you reflect me in all forms. But it would be too much for my already insane schedule. My outfit is very booky, like sexy librarian. I hope there aren’t any distractions in my class. ( Sexy ass men, who want to flirt, and think I’m grown.)


We walked back to the movie theater. KIKI has a fear of movie theaters. ( I don’t know why, she said its from something she saw on HANNIBAL.) We decided to see Capote, which was rated R. Since I have this old looking face, I didn’t get carded. ( The pleasures of my hormones finally producing something good.)


THAT MOVIE WAS EXCELLENT. All you people who went out to see Ms. Latifah, and Mr. COOL J. ( Whose birthday is today by the way.) You wasted your money. The movie was so good. About Truman Capote, and his life trials while writing the book," In Cold Blood". I thought I would scream out my head when....... GO SEE IT.


Kiki and I then went shopping at this fake thrift store. ( The clothes were like 14.00 for everything, that is not a thrift store. It was because it was on South Street.) There was this hot grown man giving me looks. He even pointed me out to his hag. ( That is like the step before standing in the middle of the aisle hoping the person will come up to you. I CAN’T STAND THE OLDER MOS. DON’T KNOW HOW TO ACT. YOU SEE MY GENERATION HAS IT, THEY APPROACH YOU, AND ASK YOU ABOUT DUMB SHIT ( SEPTA papers). Start up lines for further communication.) This inner whore almost came out, and I was surely about to go over and start talking to him. I don’t have time for other people in my life. I barely have time for me. Kiki and I left, walking through a downpour to COSI. Where we shared another great lunch with great conversation, great food, and great vibes. Usually when I’m on my day trips with Kiki. I see her laughing at something I said, and I’m pausing to start talking again. I think," Man I’m a really great date, this would rock if KIKI were a KIREEM". Then, she starts talking, and I start listening. I don’t know. I don’t have time for boys, and I’m not ready. ( OMG did I just say that? WHOA. Maturity is being shown. LOL) But It would be nice, I have to get them two boys next week as friends. I came home, and the ministers are at a birthday party. I am running the house, but the loyal subject is being good tonight so no issues.


MY TEENAGE YEARS have been interrupted for a week, and I’m so glad I’m back.



Announcement: I will have pictures from a crazy photo shoot up on January 30th.. For one day only. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, if you miss it.



-Marz

Letting the Creativity Run Wild

Yesterday, I went on one of my many extra curriculars. This one was the one where my school does community service projects. But, they mix us with these snobbish suburban kids. To get interaction, and meet new people. We were at this church, that gave clothes, and food to the homeless. But, it also was like a thrift store. We went into the main room, and the kids from my school asked if we could purchase what was there. We were given eight thumbs up to shop. The snooty kids were giving us looks, as we looked through the Thrift store stuff. I truly didn't care. Because I get down at the thrift store. I don't have shame in getting a bargain. CHILE PLEASE.
Even though I have my flashes of saddidyness (I know it's not a word) every so often.


I got two hot pairs of gloves for $1.oo. We continued to help around the church. Shelving food, packing the clothes, and doing miscellanious tasks. When I went into another room. I found these hot boots. They looked like BCBG boots. I brought them downstairs, and the snooty heifers wanted to get cute. " OH MArcus, can we see them?" I told them politely that I wanted to show my friends. Those boots were worth some money.

$5.00

None of my girlfriends could fit them, so none bought them.(They threw a fit, because those boots looked worth two hundred.) But when we hit the third floor to shop. We went crazy. There was this Izod Lacoste, tan blazer that was so hot. It had to be brand new, and worth over a hundred. Regretfully, my arms were too long to fit it. But I picked up this fly vintage looking sienna blazer. It was lunchtime, and I came downstairs to go to lunch. I went to pay the woman, who owned the store.


$2.00

People, you have no idea how fly this blazer is. My mother threw a fit," TWO DOLLARS, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT BLAZER IS WORTH?" I responded,"I do believe I've shopped before. I know how to work a thrift store woman". I washed it one more time at home, and I'm wearing it today. Everyone thinks it costs $200.oo. They need to move the decimal over to the right twice. (LOL) All the girls who were at the thrift store with me, are all giving little hand motions. Because we look extra fly, and didn't have to break a Lincoln.


I look so fly today, and I'm taking pictures. If any are fierce enough in my opinion. they might get posted. Why didn't anyone tell me how hard it is to walk in boots? I have it down now. but this morning wasn't pretty at all.

ANNOUNCEMENT

I must regretfully announce, that I'm taking a break from blogging for a while. I don't know the length. But I might be back next Saturday.

I need to recoop my mind. I don't really know what's wrong. But I feel different. So I'm taking some time for me. I need to get myself together. Filter stagnant waters . YOU KNOW. GET SOME ME TIME. I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW. BUT HOPEFULLY I'LLL FIND OUT.


This is going to be so hard. Because I love writing, and I'm going to explode with the ideas in my head. But, I will be back, and I might have something Monday. But It will be asking for help on my next article. I'll see yall.

But first here is the come back to Trent's game. Trent =Blue, Marz = Red.






It was raining hard that night.The wind was blowing and the darkness of the night was covered by fog. I was alone. My house was dark, darker than midnight and in my room I laid on my stomach listening to the rain and wind pelt and thump on my windows as it increased my levels of self-seduction to an paramount of euphoria that I couldn’t ignore.I was listening to anytime anyplace becoming one with myself wishing I had someone next to me. Turning my hand into a semblance of perfection: a man. To soothe me, to take cover my body in complete ecstasy and make me yearn for more. As I turned over, I saw the lightning flicker. A strong burst of thunder sounded against my heart as the backdrop of Janet stopped playing. I stopped touching myself and in a second my exterior construction of my body collapsed as I a rose......



There he stood in the doorway, knife in hand. The lightening FLASHED again, giving brief illumination that flashed off the knife' metal.


My heart quickened, as I reached out unsuccessfully for the lightswitch. I fell over, and landed on the side of the bed. HEad on the floor, eyes opposite the direction of my stranger.

"FLICK," went the lightswitch, as the artificial sun filled the room. I heard the swift footsteps pounding against the floor, and the vibrations from the mystery man' feet.



"Oh sorry hon," said Micah. He put down his plate, with the sandwich in the process of being made on top. I was not going to die tonight. "I got off early from work. And had the midnight munchies," relief filled me. Like the light had filled the once darkened room. He sat and made his sandwich, and turned on the television to watch the late night Oprah reruns. I sat there, and stared at my lover of five years.

Had this become out relationship?

Up past midnight, with nothing better to do than eat sandwiches, and watch Oprah.

What happened to our late night fucks when we started. That turned to late night sex. Which after March 15th three years prior, (the night he admitted his love for me.) turned into our late night lovemaking sessions. That although lasted 45 times of the minute hand swinging past 12. Seemed to last forever when I laid in his arms, or him mine.


" Micah, Do you think that we are getting detached from each other lately?"

He turned from Oprah. Who was making the audience cry like she was throwing onions in the air. Mouth full of sandwich," WHRR aR u taucn bou". He reached over for the glass of orange juice he placed on the floor. I watched him wash the sandwich down his throat. His Micah' apple danced with some of Florida's goodness. " Well I've been meaning to tell you something. About my last physical."


I KNEW SOMETHING HAPPENED AT HIS PHYSICAL. He didn't want to talk about it, he seemed so distant. I remember coming home from church. Catching him crying watching the football game, with his team winning.

I wanted to yell. Start an argument. But yelling, and arguing get you nowhere. But understanding, and listening, gains you knowledge.

" I.. I.. Iya.. Iya.. hu.. hu. huuuuh." He was stuttering, which wasn't a good sign. This meant this was big. Like when he lost his job, or when his childhood pet died. I reached out, rubbing his back. My fingers rolled over the ridges of his spine, in a motion to force the words from his core.

" I have testicaular cancer, in both testicles," he said calmly and lowered volumed.


My face broke. I didn't know what to say. Should I be sorrowful? Sympathetic? I fixed my face quickly, and clutched his back harder.


" anndd... I..the doctors think I might have to get a R.I.O....... basically a vasectomy, or chemo. I have to do some research on it though."



" What about Moses?" Referring to our child to be created next month. With the new science available for gay couples. They could take the sperm of the male couples, and fuse the sperm together. Leaving one cell with 6.5 of each person' chromosones. They then fertilized an egg, that was the fusion of a lesbian couple. Yielding twins for the two couples to divide amonsgt themselves. I imagined our son. (We got to choose the sex also.) His strong jawline, my broad shoulders, his soft skin, my crooked smile. ( I tend to forget the characteristics of the lesbians that are going to be involved. But they are gorgeous, and would help in yielding beautiful children.)

"Well we'll have to see. We can probably still harvest some good material.... Maybe... I don't know".

a few seconds elapsed


"And you mean Victor".


It was to late to start the name argument again.



I felt bad about throwing our furture child in the air. With his hands unable to catch the weight. I was being selfish, so I focused on him. I reshuffled the covers to accomadate us both. Warmth transcended, and burned in our embrace.

We kissed, erasing the past two weeks of coldness.


Just like him getting a new job. ( Which is ten times better than his old one.) We would have to work through this together. I reached my right hand, which lay on the bed, to his belly. I reached down over his small pot-bellied stomach. Fingers, lifting the elastic of his grey sweatpants. They were met by his forest of pubic hair. ( Which needed a trimming.) Normally I was quick to grab, and play with his dick. But I grabbed his balls. Selfishness filled me but for a second.


DAMN I WOULD MISS THEM IF THEY HAD TO GO.

As I gave them a squeeze. Illumination left us with the "Flick" of the lightswitch. As we lay in the darkness, rain falling, lighting flashing, and thunder booming. This scene seemed as if it was made to describe our situation. But then I thought of the sunny cloudless day, the meteorologist promised tomorrow. He scrambled for the remote.

UNMUTE.

SILENCE.

Except our hearts thumping, rain dropping, thunder clashing, and Oprah talking.....................................................................................................................................................




" Damn that woman can yank a tear duct".





Applause roared from the audience. The lights came on with a flash. The sound effects went off, showing a crowd full of people standing, and applauding the scene just performed.


" That was Vasectomy, performed by Raool Lijahb, and Micah Athlon".


Raool and Micah exited the prop bed. Going to the front of the stage, taking their bows. " Thank you very much".


The announcer continued again." They are our newest members to GUS ( Gay Urologist Soceity)".


Everyone started to take their seats, and Raool and Micah turned and walked toward the bed.
As the curtain closed.

( I used thirty minutes to get this done. because there were no rules to this game.) ( Also, because that is how the library computers are scheduled. LOL)

How many are wondering about your nether regions right now?


Don't worry I got you all.


KNOWLEDGE IS POWER


I already miss my blog already. Teardrops. But I have to get myself together.




TTFN TAH TAH FOR NOW.


-Marz

Manifest Destiny

"Away, away, with all these cobweb tissues of the rights of discovery, exploration, settlement...[The America claim ] is by the right of our manifest destiny to overspread and to possess the whole of the continent which Providence has given us for the development of the great experiment of liberty". Those were the immortal words of John L. O’Sullivan, on America’s manifest destiny. Manifest destiny, is the belied that it’s the divine purpose of the United States, to claim all the land in North America. This belief appealed to a group of people termed, expansionists. The expansionists wanted to expand the longitude and latitude lines, that defined the borders of America. Because the expansionists occupied a huge majority of America, and many held governmental occupations. The belief in manifest destiny controlled the politics, and policies in the 1840's.


The election of 1844, was won due to manifest destiny values. James K. Polk became the Democrat candidate. Due to the deadlock between John C. Calhoun and Martin Van Buren, in the vote for party representative. Polk believed in manifest destiny, to the extent that, he not only wanted to annex Texas; which was an independent country at that time. But, he also desired to claim Oregon, and California. The slogan for Polk’s campaign was, "Fifty-four Forty or Fight". The campaign phrase, referred to the latitude line that marked the territory between Russian Alaska, and the Oregon territory. He desired that to be the new border of America, or he would proclaim war, to receive the rights to these lands. Westerners and Southerners, who occupied the majority of America, rallied with the Democrat candidate. Because, of their beliefs in manifest destiny. Polk won the election. After Whig nominee, Henry Clay, loss the electoral votes of New York. The campaign, and belief in manifest destiny, won James K. Polk a seat in the presidential chair.


The Mexican War, was one of the results of America’s manifest destiny. The Mexican War, began on two land issues. The territory named, "California," which the Americans desired to own. Also, the borderline of Texas, which was set on the Nueces River. The Americans, believing it, their divine purpose to own more land. Saw war as the only way, to acquire what was rightfully theirs. The succession of the Mexican War, resulted in the signing of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo. This treaty proclaimed that the Rio Grande would be established as the southern border of Texas. In addition, America would be the landowner of New Mexico, and California. Because of the belief in manifest destiny, the Mexican War was embarked on. To procure the land that God ordained for the Americans.


In the 1840's, many realized that the destiny for America had been manifested. America, now owned Texas, California, the Oregon Territory, and other land settlements they previously ventured to attain. With the growth in area of America, came the growth of the economy. Gold was struck in California, causing a rush across the country from the East. The "gold rush", was set upon as the catalyst of many Americans’ success in America. The gold mined, was bought by the government. Producing many wealthy men, women, and children. Congress’ Preemption Act, gave rights to purchase land, in the newly possessed domains of Oregon, and California. Many farming families migrated across America, to start new prosperous lives. The gold found, and bought by the government, and the land purchased by the money-seeking farmers; gave the economy a boost.

In conclusion, manifest destiny determined many of the policies and politics of the 1840's. James K Polk, won the presidential election of 1844, due to his strategic campaign of his belief in manifest destiny. The Mexican War, resulted from the belief that America should own all of North America. Resulting in the ownership of New Mexico, and California. The newly acquired land, and sell of gold, spiked the economy to new heights. The cobweb tissues were wiped away, revealing a new modern America, that manifested its divine destiny.


I know some of yall are wondering. " Marz why would you put this C paper on your blog?" Because I think the older people need some education in their lives. This was due for my AP U.S. History class. So whatever. Please feel free to tell me how horrible my essay is. I already know, it’s maybe a B-. (Hopefully. FINGERS CROSSED)



I’ll be playing Trent’s game tomorrow.



-Marz

-Untitled-

Do you even feel a certain type of way about your blog. Like it isn’t good enough or on those lines.

I mean I think every one starts their blog for an original reason. Mine is posted on the side, to chronicle my teenage years. Also, a way to express myself in written word now.

But I think after a while, our pure intentions become a tad bit corrupted. We realize that we can get money, a readership, and syndication. Then it’s a rush to be the best. Write the hottest story, draw out a certain emotion. I mean when I’m looking at my statcounter, and I see that a better part of the majority who hit my blog are looking for a damn picture of male models. Which I posted here. It makes me not want to post pictures, but then I think about the visual people. But then I stop and say, " Am I blogging for others? Or for myself?"

I mean, I enjoy doing this, it keeps me sane. I have met some GREAT people, and I get some comments that I think I don’t deserve. ( inspiration, great writer, prodigy, strong man, brilliant, etc.) But then I see that I have been blogging since July, and if my blog is supposed to be all that others claim it to be. Why have I not broken 3,00 hits yet? But in reality, why am I looking down on 2,000. Did I even think 1 would read, and find something worth coming back for?


NOT AT ALL


I know I may sound whiny, but this is real. This is how I feel.

I realize that my intentions are getting corrupted. I mean I’m not writing these mainstream posts. Centrally neutral about everything, to not offend. Because truly I don’t care about the readers feelings. Because this is an expression of my feelings. I guess its that human desire to be liked, respected, feel as though you’re special. And if your blog is the blog, that everyone has to read. You get a rush like," they really like me". I must do more.


But I never want to get so caught up, that I’m blogging for other people. To display something that will get people to read. Because if I’m not being me, and people are liking what I do. They are liking someone I have created. And not me.

I don’t know.

Do any of the other bloggers sometime feel like you have to write something great?

Get the readership?

The million comments, that you are always five from getting? ( or 999,995)

Make greatness. And when you see, or feel like you haven’t made this. You get a feeling like," damn, maybe I should stop blogging altogether. I don’t have any points, views, opinions worth voicing." ( Don’t worry I’ll have a post tomorrow.) Get that title as whatever, whatever, whatever. I mean I could say that I’m the youngest gay black blogger. But who knows when a fourteen year older will come around. His life more interesting than mine, and his teenage years rock, compared to my mundane life. THEN WHAT WILL I HAVE? WILL I THEN BE REPLACED?


How many of you have left your original purpose for starting a blog? ( You know the one that is in your sidebar, which you may have edited three, or four thousand times along your time in cyberspace.)

-Marz

TIMBERLANDS

I wrote recently that I was going to get some Timberlands. On New Year’s Eve I brought a pair.

The crazy heifers, and I then traveled to another store. When I walked in, I noticed every black male in the store had on a pair of Timberlands. I felt like I was in the twlight zone. "WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST DO?" Was my thought. Because I value my uniqueness, and hate looking like others. As I walked around the store. I thought about these orange and brown Chucks, that were so hot.


I was then flashed back to middle school. Everyone had on a pair of Timbs, and were cool. I, being the poor kid, would have killed to even have Payless boots. ( Yes. It was that bad.) How I wanted to get some Timbs. I would be cool, I would look like everyone else. And there I was with those BOOTS in the back of the car, and they meant nothing. I guess I got wisdom with my growing. I realized that being original is so much better than conformaling.







BUT

What do Timberlands represent?

I remember also learning in middle school, from a really Afrocentric social studies teacher. That the tree on the side of the boots, represented the tree that the KKK hung the 'negroes' from. Also, how buying these boots are supporting the KKK, and basically causing genocide.

They are supposed to give off this image. This tough, sexy, somewhat ‘gangsta’ image. I think it might be because, when you see them on someone you begin to think about the people who wear them with their profession.

LUMBERJACKS, CARPENTERS, CONSTRUCTION WORKERS.

Basically, many blue collared men. Which are sexy.

I have made several references saying that timbs are manufactured to keep all the negroes looking alike. Because, while walking through the hood, everyone is wearing the same boot. ( Maybe not the same style, but the same boot nonetheless.) A comment on CANE’ blog (Which won me on the top 25 list. YES I'm hype, so what. LOL) has me saying, that it is how (black) men use to distinguish themselves as straight, which now is synonymous for masculine. But I mean, Timbs are the official shoes of butch queens.

RIGHT?

As I sit and write this, I keep thinking about, James Earl Hardy last book. When Raheim was in the DL club, and looking at the younger men. They were all wearing Timberlands. He felt he had matured, and realized that those boots are for certain types of work. ( I can’t seem to remember the other reason why he said people should wear Timbs.)


I know when I wear them, I’m going to look weird. I’m going to throw something extra to my walk, give it flair. ( It’s weird. Whenever I wear something stereotypically butchsque, I tend to queen out a tad. LOL)


Many at school will think, first, I got the boots for Christmas, and I’m poor. Because I had to wait for Christmas to get boots. Which isn’t true, because my mother wanted to wait until it got cold. Or something, I don’t understand her logic. Second, I’m going to get comments like,"Look at Marcus butching it up" (from the lesbians). "Look at Marcus, and his sexy self, work them boots boy." "Marcus wearing timbs? Get outta here".


But I’m not wearing them to portray an image. Get a look. It’s because it’s thirty degrees and lower here, and I need warmth for my feet. That my shell tops will not offer. But, they do make my feet look small. I love that, seeing as I’m a thirteen, and now I’m wearing an eleven.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m overanalyzing.

But last night I had this dream, that a policewoman arrested me. I was arguing for hours for her not to take me to jail. Someone was murdered, and the only clue they had was that the marks in her face, were from a Timberland. I was the only black man they could catch while driving through the hood. (Everyone else was quick to run.) While looking for a suspect/ someone to pin the crime on.


HOW DO YALL FEEL ABOUT TIMBERLANDS, AND THE IMAGE THEY (SUPPOSINGLY) PORTRAY?

Or am I just hype?

-Marz

Health Nut VS. Health Conscious

During the holidays, many of our families have pigged out. Eating an outrageous amount of, unhealthy foods. During the holiday I tried to monitor my family’ unhealthy food intakes.


And I would like to know. First is there a difference between being health conscious, and a health freak? And which one would I register as?

My family is very unhealthy. A couple months ago I had to literally, verbally fight to get salads purchased every week. We ate vegetables, with almost every dinner. But on some meals there was no vegetable at all. And the menu was just ( now that I look at it ) disgusting.
An example:
Fried Fish, Fried Chicken, French Fries, Popcorn Shrimp, Perrogies, Fried Clams. Which would all be washed down with soda. Followed by ice cream for desert.

I was so blind to what I was putting in my system. And I would run back for seconds. But I was also self conscious about my weight. But after listening to the people in my family, and viewing the men. I thought that I was naturally going to be a 38 waist. So I got used to it. Because that was my fated body size. Even though, I realized I was going to stay that weight.. I didn’t want to be unhealthy. I started eating right, and exercising.

And what do you know? I lost weight and I’m nowhere as big as I used to be.

Now I’m not saying that if you’re big, or big people in general are unhealthy. Because I could outwalk the skinny people, I hung with.
Even when I was bigger, I was always telling my parents, and sister they need to exercise. Because as black people, we have higher rates of heart disease, diabetes, and all that other stuff. They always are like, "Yeah. I’ll get with it". My mother is always saying, because she is a crossing guard she gets enough exercise walking across the street. My father, I don’t really talk to him about his health. Because he is crazy. My sister is just outrageous.

For instance, around two weeks ago I was off work. I was home around the time she got home. She comes into the kitchen, and says to my mother," Mom can I have some ice cream? I ate a big lunch". My mother then questions about her BIG LUNCH. " I ate two whole big bags of chips, and then I ate pizza when I got home". While pointing to the Ellios box. My mother then says," Oh well okay you can get some ice cream". I BLEW A FUSE

" You can’t let her eat that. CHIPS FOR LUNCH. PIZZA, AND ELLIOS AT THAT. That does not constitute as a meal. That is death (my name for overly fattening foods)". My mother then says to me whatever."Alright but when your baby is dead from a heart attack. I don’t want to hear it". I turned to my sister," You are old enough to start making your own healthy choices for your life". And I stormed out the room.

I am constantly telling my mother," Make her eat vegetables". One leaf of spinach will not suffice for two days. We are supposed to have three servings of natures goodness a day. I have even said bold faced to my mother," You are a horrible mother. How can you sit there and watch your daughter kill herself like that?"

You may think that is excessive but, over break she ate so much mess. She smothered butter on Drop biscuits.

DROP BISCUITS ARE LIKE THE MOST OILY FOOD YOU CAN EAT, AND YOU SMEAR TWO TABLESPOONS OF BUTTER ON IT.

She looks like she is pregnant. ( OMG. I am too young to be an uncle I BETTER HAD NOT FIND OUT.) But it’s just fat. And her ass, surprisingly, is marvelous. Don’t say.

" Marz, you incestual whore, looking at your sister".

=
Everyone looks at their family members bodies, and personalities. Desires their uncles beard, or aunt skin, this ones’ eye color. That ones’ voice, cooking skills, beauty, sensuality, or whatever else.
If I had that girl’s ass. HMMMM MMM MMMM. The boys I’d get. (LOL)

I think the whole thing is really exercise.

I could see if they were eating mess, put some vegetables in them, and exercised. But my sister doesn’t exercise. She won’t be doing any of the kind until the spring when softball starts up.

I mean I eat food. But I take measures to take some added stuff off. Like I’ll rinse the oil of my bacon. Throw some fruits, and vegetables where I can. Exercise regularly, and whatever.

My health decisions show. Just today my aunt came over and she saw me and says." Wow Marcus, you look so different. You got all tall, and slimmer. But where are you’re muscles, You need to get the muscles boy". When in all actuality, I only grew two inches. But, I’ve lost about 30 pounds.

I’m not saying they have to be skinny. I just don’t want my family to live together in adjacent hospital beds. That is the path they’re going down.
Also, my family has been talking about me in tones. The same tone a family member would use when someone from the ghetto goes off, and comes back rich. Everyone is mad, and thinks they’ve changed because they have money.

Like after my sister ate the buttered drop biscuit. She went on to eat a big bag of chips, and dip. My mother was doing the same, while on the phone with my aunt. I was screaming in the background,"You want to eat that mess, I am not calling the ambulance when you have a heart attack. Mom, you better keep that phone close, because if you pass out, you’re calling 911 on your own." My mother then says into the phone," Oh yeah, that’s Marcus screaming, HE’S HEALTHY NOW. He’s changed, and now he wants to yell at us for enjoying a snack". My mother gave me the phone, and I explained the situation to my aunt, who was yelling. And she was like," well you have to stay on them. Someone has to monitor their habits, if they’re not going to do it".

I AM 16.

THE OTHER ONE IS 14, AND 38. I DO BELIEVE THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO USE BETTER JUDGEMENT.

Even on New Year’s Eve, my Mother says," Oh now Marcus wouldn’t eat that. He’s healthy now."

And when out at the pastors birthday celebration. I got a salad along with my crab legs, and the girl with us says," Oh don’t let me find out you’re a health nut".

I don’t know. I would say that I’m health conscious. I want to make sure that I put goodness in my body. So that when I’m eighty, I am still extra sexy pulling in the thirty year olders. I don’t want to be fifty, searching around the house for the Lipitor to lower my cholesterol. ( I think its Lipitor, don’t quote me on that one.)

What do my readers think?

-Marz

First post of the year/ Statcounter Sunday

Seeing as today is the first day of the year. I will not begin it with the any negativity expressed in church.

EVERYONE GRAB THEIR HYMN BOOKS.

WE WILL BE SINGING HYMN # 876 "Jesus Loves The Little Children"

"Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red, and yellow, black, and white, they are precious in his sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world.

OH

Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Gay, lesbian, transgendered, and staright. Can make it in the pearly gates, Jesus loves the little children of the world."

AMEN CHURCH.


( Why can I hear someone screaming," The devil is a liar." while throwing olive oil at the computer screen.)



The pastor slogan was," Jesus is my fix, for 2006". It was cute. I already know that next year is going to be like," Getting ready for heaven in 2007".

STATCOUNTER SUNDAY

CAME FROM
1.MR. TRENT
2.MR. E
3. MR. X
4. MR. Cash
5. MR. Smith




CITY&STATE
1.Los Angeles, California
2.Pensacola, Florida
3. Brugge, Belgium
4. Collinsville, Illinois
5. New Bern, North Carolina



MOST READ DAY


Wednesday: My Issues with the Movie Industry




KEYWORD ANALYSIS

Teenage males clueless bout sex. Aren’t there so many out there. It’s alright. I’m here to answer questions.


I wonder sometimes if there are other gay teens who read me. Who are like," that Marz boy is cool". Have I given light to someone my age, who felt alone. And If I have I want to know why no one is contacting me. I will not curse you out. I know sometimes we have fears of writing people. But I am no one special, meaning, if you are afraid to write me don't be.



Alright I asked yesterday How yall think I look? And I got people saying they would like to see me.

I WANT TO KNOW HOW PEOPLE VISUALIZE ME.

Only E, answered, and he thinks I look like Ben Wallace.

(Starting one of my stories, I’ll keep it as short as I can. LOL)
I actually get a few names. But the most surprising was, TAYE DIGGS. It was the last time I went paintballing. My father, his work associates, and I were coming back from rolling around in dirt shooting at each other. ( PAINTBALLING SO MUCH FUN.) There was this Phyne man there, he looked around 29, and he was wearing scrub pants. So he was a doctor, or in the medial field. ( he said something about him getting off from the hospital.) He was just wonderful to look at. He spoke weird, because you could tell he grew up in the hood. Because he spoke ebonics, but then he spoke really proper. Like the Queen’s English proper. I had been walking around with the face protector on, and it was lunchtime. I went over got my food, took off my helmet, and sat down on a cooler. He stopped his conversation turned and eyeballed me, and said. " Has anyone ever told you, you look like Taye Diggs?"

I was like," NO," that is not a name you just throw out. And I don’t think I look anything like Taye, (like I look worse LOL). He smiled, and said," Well you do". I was so girly after that, this phyne grown behind man, was flirting with me. And said I looked like this.

But after a picture I took yesterday I saw it a little bit. I was like," Let me find out I'm cute". It looked a tad, miniscule, tiny bit like Taye.b But I'm not going to set myself up for a huge fall.




We’ll see when I get up here. I’m trying to hold out for an interview.


-Marz