Speaking things

I love my life.I am going places.I am passing my classes. I will become something.


(As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were. Romans 4:17


Yesterday I got my interim, and i'm getting C's in all my classes. It's such a hot mess, because I've been trying SO HARD, and it seems like my work isn't being shown. I turned in some lost worksheets for History class, s I should have a B now. But my other classes are so distressing. Yesterday wasn't a good day.

ENGLISH: with my english class we have about three tests a week. I thought I was going good because my test scores were high , but I failed one vocabulary test so bad. She makes the test hard on purpose. For instance for our objective book test she would ask a question like

Did Sam I am ask the other man to eat green eggs in ham in a box, with a fox, on a train, or in the rain. THEY ALL ARE RIGHT, BUT SHE WANTS ONLY ONE ANSWER. In the test I'll say, " all of them are right". " yes, Marcus, but there is one that is more right, and the one I want."

CHEMISTRY: This class is solely decided by the test. WE only have about three tests every makring period. With the test he makes problems purposely that no one will get right. When he passes back the test he'll say, " yeah... number 2. I knew none of you would get it right...... and I was right." THEN WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU MAKE THAT PROBLEM WORTH 30 POINTS. I am so stressed over this class, because I'm taking it to look good to colleges, because I want to be a chemical engineering major, and this class may determine my acceptance into certain programs.

HISTORY: He gives out about three packets every week, and he gives out a test about every three weeks. I'm actually surprised because my essays for him are pure grabage that come out the sky, and when I get them back and they're an A I'm like, " Wo" did he read the same essay. He's always saying tahat I'm an excellent writer, " no I'm not mr man."

ELEMENTARY FUNCTIONS: Surprisingly, I am doing well in this class compared to Algerba 2 ( which needs to be known to do well in El FUnk.) He gives a quiz one week, a test the next.


SO many spelling errors, so many blogs to get to, so much more description of my classes need to be written. I feel like I'm dying. I also came to a realization, but I'll have that up tomorrow..........


( Damn I almmost forgot to write my sign off)
-Marz

-Marz

ALL POSTED OUT!

Not really, but today is getting worse as it goes by. I'll just have to listen to my mixed tape from yesterday. (LOL)


But a hot question: Why can teenagers get pregnant, but not married without the permission of their parents?

(This is one of those, degradation of our society type questions.)

I soo have to get to everyone's blogs. ( I'll get there.)


-Marz

STILL WEIRD

I’m still weirding out, but my gospel music is getting my mind together. So I’ll be back to normal, whatever that is, soon enough. (LOL) But let me share some fantabulastic lyrics.

"And when my enemies gathered about me. To eat my flesh, they stumbled and fell. And never doubting I knew you were able, to rescue me, and now I’m, I’m free."-Darius Fentress

"I anoint myself bring my mind back in, talk to the father, get a plan I can, keep in my heart what I got to do, cuz’ I’m here to serve you. If my heart gets swayed, it’s not too late, before I waste another day, kneel and pray. This is how I remind myself."-Fred Hammond


"Sometimes in this walk, challenges come, and emotions get carried away. But with faith be strong, and through his word hold on. And when doubt comes, gird up yourself, stand there and say, " I REMEMBER!".-Darius Fentress

"When the world feels like it’s on your shoulders, I pray, you pray, we pray. When your life seems like it’s upside down I pray, you pray, we pray. When your lonely nights are getting colder I pray, you pray, we pray. I pray, you pray. No matter how dark the day, all you have to do is pray. -Cece Winans.

"Life, is a winding road that never ends, all full of ups and downs and turns. Too many cloudy days and sleepless nights, there’s got to be an answer to this, pain inside. So, now I’m searching for a hero. Someone, who can help me through this race. And ohh, I try, I can’t erase the shame. Only you can make it happen, I pray that you will make it happen. -Cece Winans


God is, just a prayer away, all you need to do is call. He will hear your faintest cry, he’s concerned about you. So while your tears are flowing through, this time of mourning. He is here, to lift your heavy heart, cuz he’s in love with you,. He knows, he cares, he sees, he’s there, and he’ll carry you, He’s concerned about you.-Cece Winans

The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear. And I don’t the reason, why you brought me here. But just because you love me, the way that you do. I‘m going to walk through the valley, if you want me to. Cuz’ I’m not who I was when I took my first step. And I’m clinging to the promise, you’re not through with me yet. So if all of these trials, bring me closer to you, then I will go through the fire if you want me to. May not be the way, I would’ve chosen. When you lead through a world that’s not my home. But you never said, it would be easy, you only said I’ll never go alone. YEAHHHH OOHHH OHHHHHHH OHHHHHHH. So when the whole world turns against me, and I’m all by myself. And I can’t hear you answer my cries for help. I’ll remember the suffering, your love put you through, and I will go through the valley, if you want me to.-Ginny Owens ( I love her lyricism so MUCH.)

Everybody wants to let go, but somebody’s gotta hold on. The whole world’s going crazy, but somebody’s gotta stay strong. It don’t look good for right now, but right now ain’t forever, everybody wants to let go, but somebody’s gotta hold ON.- Kierra Kiki Sheard

Through all of the hurt and the pain, through all the stormy nights and the heart grain, through all of the trials that you go through, God has a blessing waiting for you. The sun will come out and it will shine, and you can make it through all the hard times. With love so sweet and divine, everything will be just fine. I know you feel like you just can’t make it, and the heartache and pain isn’t worth it. But joy comes in the morning, then the sun shines, everything will be alright. Everything will be alright, just keep your head up high, love towards the sky, and everything will be alright. You see trials come to make you stronger. Times will get rough and they will get harder. SO when you feel like you can’t make it through, he’ll show you what to do. So don’t give up, don’t give in, to what the devil’s gives for you. Hold your head up high and believe, it’s gonna be a brighter day HAY HAY....He will never put more on you, than you can bare. But life ain’t easy. Life is just no crystal stair, LIFE IS JUST NO CRYSTAL STAIR. -Virtue!

So you talk about your hopes and dreams, well sweet dreams are made of things, opposition, negativity, and unfortunate realities. CHECK ME, CHECK ME. But you gotta know your purpose, and you gotta know your destiny. Faith is not tangibility, never trust your visisbility, are you feelin’ me. You gotta believe provisions have already been made, so chill and have a glass of lemonade....Yo the devil is a lair. God’s word is true. Name it, claim it, it’s long overdue. EVERY MOUNTAIN IN MY WAY IT’S GONNA COME TUMBLIN’ DOWN. NEGATIVE THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY ITS GONNA COME TUMBLIN’ DOWN. EVERY MOUNTAIN, EVERY HILL.IT’S GONNA COME TUMBLIN’ DOWN. CAN’T ALWAYS GO, BY HOW YOU FEEL ITS GONNA ALL COME TUMBLIN’ DOWN, DOWN. They ain’t saying nothing, then most likely you ain’t doing nothing, nothing. But the anointed gotta go through something,something. Like people smiling, but you know they frontin’, frontin’ frontin. But the harder you work, the further away it seems. But if God gave you, a ministry, a gift, or a calling, don’t give up on your dreams.-Tonex

Life can be a struggle everyday. But you gotta sing sorrow away. Everything you touch is just a song. Sing it loud all day, and all night long.......I believe the storm is passing by. If you sing he’ll take away your pain. He’s the one, who knows just what you’re saying in your brain. The things you can’t say, out loud. The things you can’t say, to noone, nohow, but somehow. He erases, OOOOOHHH, all the memories of your haunted past, OOOOOHHhh, yo, yo, feeka, make it last forever..-TONEX

Sometimes heaven seems so far away, with all that you’re going through everyday. From being tempted, to resented, and you need direction. Sometimes heaven seems so far away, with all the money spent that you make (you aint’ never lied). But the righteous, won’t be forsaken, you just keep on pressing.-Karen Clark Sheard

Stop thinking the worst. Be more of a winner. If you want it set your mind to it, then believe God for it. Stop thinking you lost, when the game ain’t even started. You never get it if you can’t see it, before you ever receive it.... Go ahead go ahead , go ahead, don’t think about it, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, don’t worry about thing, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, have faith in him, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go get what’s yours. Stop thinking you can’t. Be more of a soldier. Believe in God more than conquerors, through him that loved us. Stop looking to man. He’s limited in understanding. He might have the same problems, and he may need the same answers. -Karen Clark Sheard

Can’t promise you no pain no tears oh no. Can’t say you’ll never be lonely again my friend. But you see there’s a remedy, that someone who’s got everything you need. And if you hear what I’m saying, I’m sure you’ll agree that: Trouble ain’t gon’ be here everyday. Even though sometimes, it seems like it won’t go away. After you’ve done all that you know how, just to keep from breaking down, just believe it’s gonna get much better after a while. -Mary Mary

Is life just failing me? Times seem to be so hard. Everything crumbles in my face, one dollar short, one day late. Then I remember that maybe I just forgot to pray, cuz when I call on you, all you have to say is, "whatever you want, I got it, whatever you need, I got it, it’s all in me, I got it, I got it, I got it, whatever you want, I got it, whatever you need, He’s got everything, OOOHHH"-Mary Mary

You know I’ve had my share of ups and downs. You live, and you learn, this world keeps on turning round. Sometimes those rainy days, seem like they last forever. Wish I could turn the page, and move on, and move on. You’re lonely for the days, we used to sit here talking, OOH through the night HIGH HIGH HIGT. Trying to keep my spirit high, so I can walk in. Into your light. Used to be right next to me. All the things you dream about when you’re a team. Now it seems like everything’s, so far away. Then one day you know, I heard A WORD, SAYING GURL YOU’LL BE FINE. I HEARD, a word, that would ease my troubled mind. Took all the hurt away, warmed me up inside like a summer day. So glad said you’d never break, your promises. I thank you lord I thank you God.-Michelle Williams

This world sometimes, seems cruel and cold. And pain can pierce my very soul. But there’s a place, a secret place, a place where I can go.-Karen Clark Sheard. ( Hallelujah to that KCS)


I’ve come through many hard trials, through temptations on every hand. Though Satan’s tried to stop me, and to place me feet on sinking sand. Through the pain and all of my sorrow, through the tears and all of my fears, the LAWD was there to keep me. For he’s kept me in the midst of it all. -Yolanda Adams

I feel your sunlight in my life, reminding me that it is alright, then I see the rainbow, and I know. My storm has finally passed away there is a spot when he begins to blow back the cloud so I can see, your perfect plan Now, I can hurry to my destiny. OIOH AHAH_ Kirk Franklin (edited because what I heard him say made no sense. LOL, "there is a soft when the beacon to blow back...." )


After listening to this, I feel much better, and should be able to start this week free from the baggage of last week. (But tomorrow are interims; AHHHHHHH LOL)

No Statcounter Sunday this week, for those curious about statcounter. Visit the links.

P.S. It doesn't take June for me to rep my due. (LOL)


-Marz

Unexpressable

I can't seem to find the right words to express what I'm feeling......................


-Marz

BIPOLAR MESS

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOL.



So I read my post yesterday, and my LAWD I can get so crazy and furious. Cursing like I'm a black Popeye, that last threat about commenting. I WAS OUT OF CONTROL. (LOL)

But in all honesty I had to get that out, those words, thoughts and feelings are like gravel at the bottom of the sea. And every so often, wwhen the tide gets low its there on the surface, and I lose my damn mind. ( ANd honestly I didn't even get everything worded and expressed, but a lot of that just looms over me EVERY SINGlE DAY.) But I didn't have to get so uncouth with it, I'll have to go back and edit all that. ( I might keep one or two for emphasis. LOL) ANger is not an emotion that I should ever experience, because I put a new spin on that word, and my expression of anger is deadly.


EXPLANATION

WHen I wrote on Wednesday, I was in a vulnerabe place. When I received those comments, it was like I was being cut while raw and open. Many of you all did that adult thing, where you minimize the issues of those younger, because you feel as though your issues are more important. Sort of like how adults say, "chile shutup and stop crying, you don't have to pay bills". When that child may be suicidal, or going through whatever. I feel as though in each others blogs we have to remember that we don't know each other that well. All of us get offended from one thing to the next. For instance, you could call me a bitch, a faggot, but when you call me a nigga we gon' fight. For another person I call him a nigga, and he nods. I call him a bitch, and he laughs, because he thinks he isn't. But I call him a faggot and we are going to fight. And some of the comments were like, "SHUTUP, YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE FEELINGS OR EXPRESS DISDAIN WITH YOUR SITUATION, BECAUSE THEY AREN'T RELEVANT TO MY LIFE AND I DEEM THEM INVALID." Well people, THIS ISN'T YOUR LIFE, THIS IS MY TEENAGE YEARS, and whatever I write I deem valid. We should all try to be respectful in and with our comments. ( Also, can someone try and sense a tone to a post, so that you know how to respond. LOL)

Now If I'm on here talking about I did some meth last night and slept with some random man unprotected, then I would want someone to curse me out. But if I'm in distress, don't go there. Because those comments on how wait til I get to college, were the fire to my personal sparks of my explosion of, "maybe I shouldn't go to college, because I can't make it here". ( I started thinking about my future as a tailor. LOL SO SERIOUS. Because I know college is going to be hard, and I think about that ALLL the time.) I'm not blaming anyone, but words have power, and your words can plant postive and negative seeds. All I have was negativity planted daily by others, and I was already weeding myself of whatever and my influences of just living my life, and when I came to the ONLY place where I can be open, i received more negativity. It really took willpower not to write some NASTY e-mails. And I would like to apologize if I've offended anyone on their blogs with my comments. Because none of us know where we may have caused a fault because we don't know another's points of offense, and that's what I was saying. You don't know my situations, my life, what offends me or not. So don't just write random comments like you know me, and I'll sit and say, " OH HAHA". Now it does take a lot to offend me, but this blog is my safe haven to be open, and EVERYONE has been open with someone and that person has screwed them, making them closed to others. I'M NOT GOING TO BE CLOSED. So I would like to DEMAND respect in my endeavors of openness. THANKS.

And I digress to today's post ( scroll down a lil.)

-Marz

BABYBUG/ My life the screenplay

I don't know whether it's because taxes are due, and many want that extra couple hundred, or because the joy of spring and life. But it seems like everyone has caught the babybug. I don't understadn what it is, many people neglect to realize the responsibility of having a child. I have said before that children are leeches and they will suck you dry of every commodity you posess. MONEY, FUN, LIFE, EVERYTHING. But it's up to you to make sure that they leech love and positivity all the time, because they also leech the bad. Many see babies while traveling, I'm not exempt, and they are so cute, and you think, " OH MY GAWD, he is so cute. I want a baby". But no one thinks about three o'clock in the morning when little John is up crying, and this is the fourth day without sleep, and you have to be to work for the early morning shift. I would Nyquil a child so quick, slip it right in their Kool aid.

Personally, I can't stand children AT ALL. ( I have no idea why I work with them.) Now if a child is good and quiet, and will shutup and sit in a corner then we can get along. But if you want to talk, be loud, and crazy. OH HELL TO THE NAW. There are so many kids raised nowadays that lack in about 50 ass whippings. People also neglect to realize that, YOU CAN NOT RAISE GOOD CHILDREN UNLESS YOU BEAT THEIR ASSES. " Marcus go stand in the corner," I remember the first time I had that, alternative discipline, and was told to stand in the corner. I fell asleep. That stuff does not work. But if I ever was to venture into having a child, adopting a child, whatever. I would want to be financially secure so that if my little Marquis was born a SUPER genius and he would is accepted into Harvard at 6, I could help pay for his tuition. Because children are expensive.

I think that in acquiring a child in whatever that may mean. There should be planning done, and it shouldn't be a knee jerk thought just like those girls on Maury. Because after everyone gets a little medicine the bug will be one, but you may be stuck with a baby.


MY LIFE THE SCREENPLAY


This one has to do with pregnancy, but more directly teenage pregnancy. BACKGROUND: This is the firstday back to school this year. The class was health, and we were tlaking about our summers. I, of course, only got to tell about my several trips to WAlmart, and that my summer was a waste of life. ( UGH IT SO WAS.) This one girl who acts VERY grown, because according to rumor. She got pregnant at 15, was kicked out of her house, and lives with her boyfriend. (She spread the rumors, by talking very openly abouther life to EVERYONE. But later in the yearshe denied havin children and everything, confusing everyone.) The teacher asked the girl of her summer, and the girl goes to tell of this very eventful summer, where she worked at a hospital, and did all these HUGE things. She ends saying:

But overlal my summer wasvery uneventful, and trying.
Why is that?
BecauseI found out....... ( sobbing scream) that I'm due.
DUE?
I'm due?
What are you saying? Are congratulations in order?
I am going to be having my second baby on December 11.
WELL CONGRATULATIONS, EVERYONE SHOULD BE CLAPPING FOR HER.

My friend screams, "what the hell happened? I thought the bitch was a lesbian". ( She had started wearing lebian symbol necklaces the school year before.) I gave her a look meaning, " that was wrong". Everyone else gave her the same look. " What? You all were thinking it."

She then went on to talk about her pregnancy and whatever else, and the teacher has no BOUNDARIES, so she is just asking her questions, and because the girl is who she is, she keeeps telling her business.

Me being me, suggest that we throw her a baby shower. " For baby one or two?" Now I'm sure everyone thinks we are being cold, but you have to see this girl and know her to understand the situation. But the look on my friends' face was so confused when she looked around for an answer and said, "I thought the bitch was a lesbian," was just too much.

I feel bad for her, and I prayed for her. But like I say, "Keep your legs closed and you won't have to open them". (Think about it.) This goes for the boys too, men like to whore. (HMM)


TodayI look extra fly, this HOT blazer only cost ninety five cents, and many are hating. Some are saying I look homeless (UH DUH) that's what I'm going for. Some say that I'm trying to replicate the boy who is going to win best dressed. (It's not my fault are styles are somehwat similar, but herhas never worn anything like what I'm wearing.) But like my girlfriend said, " honey you look ravishing, don't let them hate." I let them, I have to much self love to indulge in it though. One girl tried to give me fashion tips wearing a simple pink shirt, some plain blue jeans, and some pink tims. NAH UNHH HONEY FASHION VIOLATION, I READ ELLE HONEY PIE STEP!

Sidebar: in Damian Marley's song, "beautiful" he saysthe girl shampoos his locs. I DON'T SEE IT.

So this weekend feels like it's goin to be depressing. I don't know why, it just does. Most of my weekends are depressing, because I'm always trapped in the house at about 3, like a male Rapunzelstarin out the window. But I have a post idea for tomorrow about some stuff that I've been pondering, feeling, and not expressing. So I'm off.

Thank yall for yall comments yesterday, I know troubles don't last and blah blah blah. But waiting for them to pass ishell, and mines are going to behere for like anotheryear and some months so whatever. HOPEFULLY COLLEGE IS FUN. But It won't make a difference whether it's fun or not. ( Oops I'm getting into tomorrow post a little.)


-Marz

THROUGH ( better worded)

I'm angry.

Angry that I have to give my check to my father for his faults. ANGRY that I was almost late and my school is trying to kick me out. I'M THE FUCK ANGRY because I keep having this reoccuring dream that I'm going to die two days after my high school graduation and it makes me think.

WHY THE HELL AM I DOING ALL OF THIS?

I take two AP classes, trying to knock out college courses. I take all honors classes otherwsie to look good to colleges. I take college courses to just get rid of them now. I have about five extra curriculars, I have a job. My life starts at 5:30 every morning, and ends at maybe 11:30 that night. To begin it all again, excpet for on the days where its 6 to 10 at night. I go to Saturday classes to get rid of senior requirements, and Sunday I rest like God after being bashed. ( But seeing as I'm not a "practicing homosexual," God will let me into heaven so YAYY FOR ME.)

So why do I do this. I want a better life for me, than the poverty infested thing I live. I WANT BETTER GODDAMNIT. I'm trying so hard to be.... I don't know. Get away from the negativity of the ghetto, my race, my people, that plagues me EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. Constant words of my nothingness unfulfilled. Constant demonstrations that my life will amount to nothing. Telling me even though I think I made it, I probably haven't. Scenes outside my window, displaying nothing of hope for myself. It's HARD HAVING TO SUPPLY YOUR OWN FUCKING HOPE FOR YOUR OWN GODDAMN LIFE. (Omg I'm crying) I'M SICK AND TIRED.

Tired of living my life for this TRANSCRIPT, when in all reality will I get into a college? Will this dream happen and all this go to waste? Will I be like that boy last year or the one before that who died the summer before entering college? I mean, I do live in this crime ridden city where the cops are offering basketball tickets for guns. I mean even if I do get shot and die. ( GOD SO FORBID) My parents wouldn't receive closure, because no one would snitch. ( This of course only makes sense if you live in Philly.)I mean I'm the fuck poor, how am I going to pay for anything. Am I even doing enough for scholarships? If I get a scholarship will I even hol up well in college to be able to have it renewed?

Yesterday I took three tests ( OH THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR LOVING COMMENTS. ) ( Who can detect sarcasm?) The first one was sort of like a writing SAT ( except we got an hour, compared to thirty minutes for the writing SAT section.), and the teachers have been streesing the importance of this test so thoroughly. How the colleges are going to be looking at this when making selections. These other kids have money, these other kids have connections, THESE OTHER KIDS HAVE A WAY TO MAKE IT. I have to succeed in this or NOTHING. I then had a test in my AP Chemsitry class, which I knew only some of the information. Because while (re)studying the day before, I couldn't comprehened anything. Because the night before I only received four hours of sleep. Moving onto the Calculus test which I KNEW SO BAD, but I didn't have the correct diagram. SO I FAILED THAT.

I keep seeing my grades in my head, and how I'm trying so hard, SO HARD. But it's not coming together. It makes me think why should I bother? Bother to read something when I could be getting an extra hour of sleep riding the buses. ( two if I count both ways.) Why am I doing all of these extra programs, why not just be mediocre. I mean I'm already at community college, why not just spend my time there? Live with my parents until about 22, then come out so they can throw me out, and work my way up through cubibles to get side offices with a door. ( OH WOW!)

I MEAN THE COLLEGES DON'T GIVE A FUCK THAT I ONLY GOT FOUR HOURS OF SLEEP A DAY. THE TEACHERS DON'T GIVE A FUCK. No one is going to say," OH you got a B ( or C god forbid) in Calculus what happened?" they are going to reject my ass.

But in all reality, I'm starting to question if I even want to go to college anymore. In my high school, the classes are equivalent to college courses. ( Even though while taking my course at college, I find they are easier than my high school classes. ) How do i expect to be able to do anything in college worthwhile, if I look to my current schedule with disdain? I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUNDAY TO COME SO I CAN SLEEP.


I CAN FEEL MY SOUL DYING. It is happening gradually but surely, it is just DYING. I feel like I'm just becoming a body made to perform. Everyone wants to question me. My parents want to tell me how I'm not the same anymore and maybe I need to drop something, with doubtful undertones of me not acheiving anything. I would try and curse about his, but honestly, I was raised to rely on me, and never expect any kind of support from my parents. Even though they sometimes give it, they never have been my source of support. I HAVE. I'm the one doing it, I'm the one reading books and doing homework on the train while acting like an insomniac. IF ONE MORE OFMY TEACHERS ASK ABOUT ME APPLYING TO COLUMBIA LIKE I CAN GET THE HELL IN I'M GOING TO EXPLODE.


BUT NO ONE GIVES DAMN, AND TRUTHFULLY I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. I'M TIRED OF CARING. ( Why am I rambling?)

I then had to go to work, where I saw the thing that always motivates me. I saw a middle aged man with his two kids, and he was a construction worker. I helped him and his kids with his project. I then signed onto the computer once I was off shift. I starting writing something, and he commented on my typing. He asked me to if I could help him with his typing for his son's project. Even though I KNEW that I had to leave right then to get to class on time, I helped him. He kept saying, "I should've payed attention in computer class." Also, he kept commenting on my computer skills, and how I'll be an asset because of my computer skills. Every time he looked at me, he gave this look of regret over a life wasted. I saw in his eyes that he only had his trade learned, and nothing else would be coming his way. Unless he went to college again. ( but the reality of that happening was unrealistsic.) It's sort of like a WOW, I don't want to be like that. ( I know that's horrible) But it is a reminder to keep on.


I arrived to class, surprisingly, before time. Hungry because my last meal was at 6 (a cereal bar) , tired because my days are so long, and regretful of the dishes and laundry I still had to wash. I also had a test in my college class, and the teacher was late. This was done on purpose thing to raise our nerves. (HAHA I'm not laughing. ) Luckily, he gave us the test to take home, and dismissed us early. Next Wednesday I don't have to come to class, but Monday I have to talk to him about my performance in his class. (LAWD)


But like I said, no one truly gives a fuck, and I know this. I know from my raising that I have to get it for myself, and the only people that care is Jesus, ME, and maybe my family. So though I may cry, like that episode of Project Runway, I have to (cut) keep on moving and cry. Because, I may be tired today, but I have to keep on moving. Because the only way my name will be shown on the last page of the newspaper, if I do get shot aftermy graduation, is if I'm an honors student.


I find it funny how my issues are always so damn intricate. The other day I leftmy id at home. Which means that I will have to pay a dollar. SINCE I AM THE FUCK POOR, AND MY CHECK IS GOING TO BE TAKEN BYMY FATHER. I will not have funds to pay for the debt,meaning thatbi won't be receiving tokens, and will be left at the school to die tomorrow. Unless something happens. OH WELL.

LAUGHTER POINT

Why did this boy just come up to me and rub my next saying, " Oh yeah baby, how you doing?" ( He's straight, doing that let's make him come out game thing. ) And I'm so tired I didn't care to pucnh him, so he got scared and said, " damn you gon' let me rub on your neck like that," with these wide eyes. Then he toldme how he sawme somewhere getting in this dude's car. (WHATEVER)

In closing, I KNOW I'll be fine. I'll bounce back I always do, I'll take care of myself, I always do, And I'll get it done, I always do. I PRAY so hard that tomorrow is of nice enough temperature that I can wear this hot outfit and not have to cover the blazer with my huge eskimo coat.

The sun is shining cold and dark on me, but there are still the stars to take its place. -Marz



I just can't take it no more, my strength has walked out the door, and it left me, and told me, " I can't go no more". I just can't take it no more, I just want to lay down and DIE. God if you hear me, come near me, you're my only hope. -Karen Clark Sheard.

P.S. Ilong for the day after 6-18-07 (LOL) when I sit back, read this and laugh.


P.S.P.S. YOU( the reader) DONT' KNOW MY SITUATION, LIFE, OR ANYTHING ELSE. IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE FUCK INSENSITIVE WITH YOUR FUCKING COMMENTS, DON'T CLICK AT ALL. I DON'T NEED YOUR NEGATIVITY, AND I TRY NOT TO PUT ANY ON YOUR BLOG.Thank you very much in advance.



-Marz

THROUGH WITH IT ALL

You know, today, I was going to write out a long ass post about this and that. WHY I'M SO STRESSED? WHy it all doesn't matter? But the main point is NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK. And truly I'm tired of giving a fuck myself.

Life will continue to go on whether I participate or not, so I mine as well shut up and go about my way.


-Marz

Pissed

FIRE IS BURNING IN MY SOUL.


DAMN THE ADMINISTRATION FOR THEIR SCHEMES.


IF I EVER SEE THE MUTANT FACE TO FACE, I WILL RELEASE THE FIRE AND BURN THAT WHORE TO THE GROUND.

Three tests in one day, standarized and whatever else. (HUMPH).


WHERE IS OSAMBA WHEN YOU NEED HIM TO BLOW SOMETHING THE HELL UP? Just make sure it's at night time. (DAMN!)


-Marz

The words of others

Why is it that no one ever values the opinions of their mother? When our mother ( our parents if you have both like me) say something positive about you, you slash them down saying they have to say that. We feel as though they are trying to protect us, and you just want the truth. Like when you’re young and you scribble over the coloring sheets and mommy says,"Oh Baby it’s gorgeous. Let me put that up on the refrigerator". When it looks a hot mess.


My parents are always saying certain things about me, and I always just wave them off because they are my parents. I remember when I was in my ugly phase, my mother was always saying how handosme I was, and how Taye Diggs had nothing on me. (LOL wasn’t she so sweet? LOL) I remember screaming, " You’re only saying that because you’re my mother. You have to say that". My mom would then say," Child I am gorgeous, and anything that came from me or is a product of me is gorgeous too. SO YOU’RE GORGEOUS. Now, if you were ugly I would tell you. I would say, ‘ well honey, you aren’t the best thing to look at, so let’s work on that personality.’" (LOL) Am I the only person who does this to their parents, disregard their nice comments? ( it's also weird how we throw away their nice words, but we hold onto the negative things they may say at times. HMM. PONDER.)



FRIEND’S WORDS

Here are some random things my friends have said about me that I was like, "WHAT?!"


STRONG BLACK WOMAN.

In ninth grade everyone was so interested in my orientation. But the people thought it uncouth to just plain out ask me if I was gay. ( Although there were some people who were just grimy," So what does dick taste like? WHY DON'T WE GO IN THE BATHROOM AND YOU CAN TELL ME. ANYWAYS. LOL) They asked code questions. " What part of the city do you live in?" " Do you have a father figure in your life?" "How many brothers do you have?" (Because those factors determine if you’re gay or straight right? LOL) One day one of the girls says, "You know Marcus, you remind me of a strong black woman." All the boys starting laughing screaming, "how you gon’ play him like dat". Then all the other girls starting screaming, " Shutup", and agreeing saying, " Yeah Marcus, you do have that aura of a strong black woman". WELL JUST CALL ME HARRIET TUBMAN THEN. Of course I was pissed at first, but strong black women are a FORCE you hear me? A FORCE. And I guess deep down I’m glad that I have that aura. ( Maybe, I don’t exactly know.) But doesn’t that mean that I’m going to need a REALLY Strong black man to handle me? DAMNIT Do they still make them? ( I think I’m in the right direction towards becoming one. What do you think?)


SEXY & CUTE

Recently a lot of people have been saying that I’m cute or sexy. I personally think I have the sex appeal of a dying rat. But after close examination, I may be one of those people who are secretly sexy, but don’t know it themselves and don’t know how to work their sexiness. ( Get me? LOL) Some girls have said sometimes, " Marcus stop giving me that sex glare." And I have no idea what they’re talking about. Also, hanging out with PRIDE, I’ve been exposed to some new gay boys. They are always giving me the , "How you Doin’?" Since I’m so me (stupid LOL) I’m always like, "Oh I’m good." (LOL @ my innocence.)

This also goes for being cute. I was cute at one point, but I drifted from it. (One day I’ll get a scanner and we can all see my old pictures.) I don’t think I’m scary to look at, but I’m not what other say I am. ( In my mind. OOOH Now I have to watch that Heather Headley video. LOL) A few years ago (and even sometimes now) I always looked at my self as a young swan. ( Why do they say ugly duckling, when it wasn’t a duckling at ALL?) When I show people my freshman id picture they are like, "Marcus you have COME UP." But I personally think I still have some ways to go, getting my grown man face, weight, acquisitions, etc. (LOL) So currently I’m in the better part of being that swan, but I’m not there yet. But I don't want to become the avergae cute/ sexy person if I am that. The type who relies on their looks to get them things, ( men, money, stuff.) There is so much more to me than a pretty face, and that is why I look a hot mess 6 days out of a week. (LOL)

BOY HOOKER

This started one day when my counselor said that I had IT to survive in New York. She was mentioning that I could make it really well as a boy hooker. She then asked another counselor could she see me as a boy hooker. They both agreed, I had that QUALITY. I then went around asking many people about this look and quality of a boy hooker that I possessed. I wanted people to say, " no , you don’t look like a boy hooker." But everyone was like, " OMG, YOU WOULD BE SUCH A GOOD BOY HOOKER." Many have commented on how I just have that QUALITY, and I would be one of those high priced boy hookers, not the trashy street kind. Kiki has gone all out with it, "You know you could request a really high price, and they’d be like no. Then you could flash just one of your dimples, and they’d be like. DAMN YOU ARE WORTH IT. " We sometimes joke about it, about how she could be my pimp and she’d get 1% of the pay. But I try to leave it alone, because I don’t want to speak a lifestyle of whoring into existence. No one still can tell me what this QUALITY is, I feel like Chandler in that episode on Friends when he was trying to figure out why everyone thought he was gay. ( YES I WATCHED FRIENDS , WHAT’S IT TO YA’ ? LOL) I've ben advised to never stand on a street corner and look COY, I don't know what a COY look looks like, so I should be good. ( but what if I give it unknowingly like my sexual glares? LOL)

According to these people, a boy hooker refers to the clientele and the age group.

UNAPPLIED

A lot of my friend’s say that I’m smart but I don’t APPLY myself. I am so tired of hearing this. I’ve heard it all my life of how if I just applied myself I could rule the world, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I know they’re right, and they I don’t aply myself really at all. But I’m going to add it to my prayer list to have a better application of self. Because, I need to start applying myself, and not only in school. This summer I want a big chest and a 6 pack, but I’m slow to get out the bed in the morning and do some push-ups, and sit ups. (Along with other stuff.) But this summer I’m going to be like,"dag, I should’ve gotten out the bed in February and pumped my arms, and I would have something to show", or not feel a certain type of way when I see others in wifebeaters. SO I have to get on it.

QUESTION: How many sit-ups/ push-ups should one do in a day?

Right now I’m on like 80 sit-ups a day and maybe 20 push-ups. ( That is so uneven, but I’ve noticed that when I say the words " popping pecs" I’m able to throw myself out the bed quicker than usual. LOL)

So does anyone else disregard some of their parents comments because of their paternal bonds? Has any of your friends said anything to you that made you scream WHAT BITCH, BOW DOWN WHORE?

-Marz

My Half Birthday

Today is my half birthday. ( Please don’t wish me a happy half birthday or you’ll appear as slow as I am. LOL) No one really cares, and I’m not really going to do anything, except buy myself a Strawberry Shortcake roll. I like to have these markers in the year to remind myself of how far I’ve come, and yet to go until my next birthday and FREEDOM.

HOW IS 16 SO FAR?

Honestly, it sucks. Nothing has really happened, but then again I might have to read my blog to see about that. ( I forget sometimes. LOL) Many people have said to me how 16 was their turning point age, or it was so wonderful and how they wished they were my age again. I DON’T SEE WHY. But I guess other people aren’t as boring as I am, and had more of a life than I do now.

WHAT DO I PREDICT FOR THE REST OF 16?

Who knows what’s to come. Money, success, love, my parents find my blog ( that’d be horrible yet juicy), I receive the Nobel Peace Prize. ( That’d be hot.) I don’t know.

Schools are closed today thanks to the dead presidents. But I still have college later on in the day. I’m going to remind my mother it’s my half birthday so she’ll get all, "I only have 1½ years left with my son". ( Why do I enjoy tormenting her? LOL) But I am getting closer to 18 or my freedom. I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t want to put too much excitement into turning 18. Because of course, now, I think when I turn 18 it’s going to be so great being free from my parents, but it might not be. ( IT SO WILL.) But I don’t want to set myself up for a fall, and I turn 18 and I’m like, " What was I so hype over?". But I’m in NO hurry to grow up, and I wish time would stop moving so fast. DAMN YOU SECONDS (LOL)


However, I’m SOO interested to see who I become away form my parents. What rules will I uphold? Which ones will I let fall away? Will I become a civil rights activist? A whore? A lush? A genius? Famous? Infamous? Join another religion? Discover I’m really straight? (LOL. That won’t happen) WHO knows? I remember last June when I went to Penn State for nanotech (nerd) camp, I had none of my parents rules. I had to go into manual, leaving the overdrive of my parents control over me. It was interesting seeing how I eat without my parents guidance ( really healthy), how I’m actually really clean ( despite my room now LOL), and just how my demeanor changed and I fell into ME. But the only way to find out how I will become, is to keep living. I think I can keep doing that.

SELF REVELATIONS

Every month I am going to write one post that has a revelation from my childhood. Because as many have said, blogging is like therapy. I think because we all are open, and if we write something like we were kidnaped, everyone will be sympathetic, and the normal rules of judgement are no longer present. I found that after writing deep ones like when I pre came out, I don’t remember what happened anymore. Well I remember, but it doesn’t seem as vivid anymore, because while writing it I came to terms. Like how you may have a memory that you hate remembering but then you stop remembering it and it’s like WOW. ( Does anyone get me?) I have SOO many things I have to come to terms with from my childhood. Because I don’t want to be one of those adults who are paying thousands for therapy, over something they could’ve dealt with earlier in life. (Please don’t say, " You’re still a child". GET IT RIGHT, I’m a teenager.) All I can say to my readers is, BE PREPARED. You may think you know Marz, and you may think that my life was whatever way growing up in a minister family. But I’ll definitely shatter all of that soon enough.( Why do I sound like I’m trying to scare people? LOL But the stuff is deep, and it’s going to be rough not only writing, but clicking that publish button. But I know yall won’t be grimy, and I need to get it out.) ( Look at me using slang. LOL)

PRAYER LIST

On the side I’ve started a prayer list. I personally think everyone should, and if you decide to put one on your blog I won’t get all pissy. ( Because some people get mad when something original gets taken from their blog and is implemented on another.) In the beginning of January, the pastor made us go on a fast. We wrote all these things that we want God to do, and then we gave the list to the pastor, they said they would mail them or something. But the basic point is when you receive the list, you see that God worked in your life changing whatever you prayed for ( Sometimes). Oftentimes we move so quickly from one thing to another, we don’t see what God has done for us, and this is a visual way to do it. Because I can happily erase number 2 and 3.

Has my blog been getting a little corny? I feel as though it is. The other day I was reading December, and I was so on point, and I guess I lost it. I’M NO LONGER A GOOD BLOGGER. I think my life has just hit a slow point, and I should be happy, because I don’t think I could deal with any quickness now.

Well I’m off to read the rest of the Great Gatsby for a test tomorrow.


P.S. This is a question posed to my female readers. When you were a teenage girl did you take the phone into the bathroom with you as you bathed? If you did, were you having phone sex? Because I am really starting to worry why my sister is taking hour long baths, with the phone in their with her. I swear the child is nearly hydrophobic.



-Marz

I OBJECT/ Statcounter Sunday

In the ghetto everyone knows one person who is always saying things that are wrong. However, since the people they talk to are uneducated, they don't say anything to conflict with the speaker's words. The speaker usually adds "ations" to every word, attempting to sound intelligent, and most times they are the most educated out of the crowd. This adds to why they're also not challenged, because the ignorant don't want to show their ignorance. (sometimes). "The disnegrofication of our brothers and sisters, is due to the industrialization of corporate America," is an example of something a person like that would say. I remember when in middle school, there was a boy like this. He would always say something, and because the other kids knew no better, they never questioned him. " Marcus, you're over there eating that jello, don't you know that's pig fat?" I had to argue how jello is made from gelatin and not pig fat. But the other kids rallied around him saying he was right and I was wrong. He had some leverage because he was the second smartest kid in the room. (Guess who was number 1?) All of this is said, because in church the preacher is usually the big talker, and is sometimes wrong. But because the congregation knows no better they don't question him, or object to false preaching. (Along with the fact that because a preacher is ordained they feel out of place questioning them.) And in the example of the pig fat, they encourage the wrong.

Today in church, the preacher preached something totally different than what took place in the bible. I was SO disturbed by the fact that many in the church are ordained ministers, and read their bible regularly, but none objected. In the message, the preacher talked about how Lot was in a cave after Sodom&Gomorrah. He thought he was the only man left on the planet, so he slept with his daughters to keep his lineage upon the Earth. THIS IS TOTALLY WRONG. It had to do with choices, and he was on the angle that when you're in the dark (or sin), you make choices that are in the dark ( sinful.) Lot was in sin, and he made the choice in sin to have sex with his daughters.

PREACHER MARZ IS HERE TO SAVE YALL.

Can you please turn your bibles to Genisis 19:30-36, when you have it please say AMEN.

AMEN BRUTHA PREACH ON!

And it reads, " And Lot went up to Zo'ar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zo'ar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: Come, let us make our father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father: and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also: and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." May the LAWD add a blessing to the reading of the word.

( Yes the bible is a HOT MESS. LOL) But as we all can see, Lot had no intentions of going to sleep with his daughters. He was not in a dark, sinful place and made his own choice out of sin to be in incest, but his daughters came, drugged, and raped him.


I sat there and looked at him, and how he was dead wrong. I wanted to object or something, but that's not my place. OR IS IT? Should I (or anyone) allow false preaching to reach the ears of the congregation. I mean if ministers like my mother, who's been in church all her life, doesn't object, but nods her head in agreement, then how can we expect the newly saved to learn right? Or teach the newly saved to object themselves, we are continuing on the lineage of closed minded and mouthed Christians. (But my parents would've lit my behind on fire had I stood up and objected. LOL)

Also the pastor made me laugh, he said that preachers shouldn't preach what they want. They should preach what God gives them. Because when you preach in self, you sometimes preach your own emotions or how you feel. He started asking, " Have you ever listened to an angry message? Ever listened to a heart broken message?" I wanted to yell, "Ever listened to a hateful message?" These pastors are always saying they are preaching," that of God". But I wonder if Jesus is REALLY sitting by his mind microphone saying , " I HATE ALL THE FAGGOTS, LET THEM KNOW THAT. THEY DON'T DESERVE MARRIAGE, CHILDREN, JUST A HAPPY LIFE IN GENERAL, AND I HAVE A NEW AIDS VIRUS FOR THEM HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.". That doesn't sound like the Jesus that died for me to me. But maybe I know no better, I mean I'm not ordained, and according to all the other kids, jello is made of pig fat.

STATCOUNTER SUNDAY


Came From:

1. No4real4real ( Thanks Mister.)
2. TRENT (Whom is on my side of the country. GYEA BABY! LOL)
3. Cousin Fabulous ( Let me start a petition for her not to stop blogging.)
4. DANIEL ( Is this your first time up here? I was flattered upon seeing your few things of mockery of me. We must aim or something.)
5. Auntie Pam ( Heyy GUrl. I'mma have to send you an email. Gotta stay current.)



City& State

1. Woodside, New York ( The number of readers is insane there. THANK YALL.)
2.Biloxi, Mississippi
3. Atlanta, Georgia
4. Westminister, Maryland
5.Capelle Aan Den Ijssel, Zuid-holland, Netherlands


Keyword Analysis:

Teen taking off their clothes to shave their legs and pussy. ( I am sometimes amazed at the accurateness of what people want. LOL)


Most Read Day:


THURSDAY: Old Dick for young Ho(l)es


HMMM. I guess I offended all of my reader's underage husband on Friday. ( Not me, LOL, Mr. Brown.) Only two comments.

Also, I would like to thank people who have started to write me fanmail. IT'S SO TOUCHING. Because, you know this is for me, and I just do it for me. But people are affected by it, and they feel moved. And some of my writing betters people's lives and helps them and that is just ASTOUNDING to me. BUT SOME OF YALL NEED TO STOP ASKING WHEN MY FIRST BOOK IS DROPPING. (LOL)

Let me tell yall how I was feening so crazy for my current addiction. (Teardrops) I'm almost finished it. I'mma finish tonight. Then someone else will be my fix. Not saying I'm going to stop reading but... OH yeah I forgot to explain my sidebar. Well I'll do it later. Daddy says that I've not been myself lately, so I have to get back to whoever I was, that I'm not being. (LOL get me?)

-Marz

CHRIS BROWN

I'm sure you all think this is a post of me declaring my love for Chris Brown. YOU NEED TO LIGHTER FLUID THROWN IN YOUR EYES, AND MOVE A LIL CLOSER TO THAT SMOKER ON THE STREET CORNER.




I can not stand Chris Brown. Where do I begin with my dislike for him. My main thing is, I am so tired of the music industry getting these things, with these homothug being turned out voices whining. The industry gets someone with some face, and markets them for the people who have no depth to them, and don't see that some company is trying to make some money off of mediocrity of music. What happened to good quality male singers? Where are the modern day Luthers and Lou Rawls? Of course there may be some bad female singers, but there are the ones that balance them out. WHO IS THERE FOR THE MALES?

VIBE AWARDS

Many said that his performance on the Vibe Awards was so amazing. He didn't know whether to lip synch or to dance. I almost choked when he started whining " Wait to you see my OHHHHH," durng the rap with Juelz Santana. His main girl backup dancer was extra ugly. WHO PICKED HER TO BE IN THE FRONT? Second, let's get to what his performance said. It said that a group of African American teenagers can't conspire together without the police being involved. Also, when the police came out and started doing honky tonk dances, it showed the inadequacy of policeman and black men as workers. ( Well seeing as I got gay bashed by a group of thrity in front of a police station once, I would say that is true.) Many will say, "you're looking to much into it". Maybe I am, but you aren't sixteen, and you don't have to sit and see how your generation is being portrayed. And the cop thing may as well be true.


NEW USHER

Many also have said that," Chris Brown is the new Usher". This draws the question, " WHO THE FUCK IS USHER?" He is that dude that sold all those records. I personally think that if you have to make up a lie to sell your record about getting someone pregnant when you're GAY. Then there is a problem. It sort of reminds me of the whole RAP WAR between 50 Cent and The Game. About two weeks after both of their cd's came out, and neither were surprisingly injured when they were about a jile from each other, and both of them settled it once their records sold enough. MYSTERIOUS. A better question is,'" Who would USher be had Michael Jackson not been born?" ( YES I DID JUST GO THERE.)

SEX SYMBOL


I have read several interviews with Chris Brown, and in these interviews he talks about being a sex symbol. Or the interviewer mentions that he is a sex symbol, and he exclaiims his happiness about being one. YOU ARE NOT A SEX SYMBOL. Another article talks about how he was mad at his mother because she didn't let him go to a party with some other singers because he wanted to have sex.


THESE ARE SEX SYMBOLS. ( ALong with these.)

YOU ARE NOT A SEX SYMBOL. YOU DON'T EVEN TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES. ( That's ctually good, because do we really need another Ray-J, Omarion, or Bow Wow showing off their ribs?) I MEAN, HAS YOUR PENIS EVEN REACHED ITS MAXIMUM LENGTH YET?









LEt's take it to the American Idol judges.




Paula: You know you are alright. If this is your passion you can go and work on it, and come back in a few years. But it' s a no for me.

Randy: Yo dawg, it wasn't good for me. But like Paula said you can come back and try again.

SIMON: why are you giving this boy false hopes. He was terrible. I find him to be torrid defacation.

CHRIS BROWN: Yo what is that?

RANDY: WELL..ummm... it's hot... shit.

Chris Brown runs into the atrium. " SIMON COWELL SAID I'M HOT SHIT YEAH".

Simon: These dumb ass American teen's use of the English language is a debaucle.


In all reality of Chris Brown all he is a MALE CIARA. ( Oh wait Ciara is a sort of male right?) Because he has some vocal ability, but all he is in the end is a dancer. Many in my high school bought his cd. They listened to it for about a week, and now they really don't know why they wasted their money. The late people are just getting theirs bootlegged. The other day one hype girl had the Vibe magazine with him on the cover. Everyone said how played out he was, and that he isn't that cute. He has some face those lips could work wonders for my current state of horniness, but whatever. (LOL)


But I guess I should be happy for him, making money young. Let's hope he invests in a bank account or some sort of stock or something. ( WE ALL KNOW HIS DUMB ASS WON'T) I've been thinking about investing in the stiock market or something. But I don't know how. I'm picking up a Wall Street Journal this weekend, it's going to be HOT.


MY LIFE THS SCREEN PLAY

I didn't think I would have one for this week, because it's been slow and a bit depressing. But yesterday on the trolley this crazy woman got on. I've seen her before, and on the last ride she started screaming about this and that being against her religion. The troley approached 30th street ( a big stop where many board the trolley.) She was standing and here is what happened:

" Are there any real men on here that will let me sit down".
None of the men moved.
" You see, men, goofy things they are. Don't know how to act. I'm glad that I don't have one, and that my youngest son is in jail. MEN AIN'T SHIT. All they want is money...... and PUSSY. ALL MEN WANT IS MONEY AND PUSSY." The lights then go out, and we are underground with only the lights from the tunnel, and she starts screaming more. I started thinking how this wasn't all true. She had to broaden it out a bit to sex. (LOL.) ( Marz how you gon' come at your gender like that?) Hole on now. I'M A BOY NOT A MAN GET IT RIGHT. (Snapping. LOL) Alright this is a generalization, and I don't like to deal with them. Let's add SOME in front of what I said. (LOL)


I was listening to Ms. holiday this morning. And Billie Holiday makes me so happy. ( I know I'm a weirdo.) Well I'm off to save the world, or maybe just myself. (LOL) KISSY KISSY KISS KISS to my blog, stay safe in cyberspace, watch out for viruses.

I wonder how much money Caucasians save each year on lotion?-Marz

P.S. I don't talk to any males at all. I was just saying about grown men yesterday. I make sure I look cute one day a week. I don't need to be messing with anyone's mind yet. I am in no hurry to grow up, and be slutty. I'm happy with my Cinnamon toast Crunch, Cartoons, and Trigonometry homework. Because a boy will take me nowhere anytime quick, but my books will and are taking me places.

-Marz

OLD DICKS FOR YOUNG HO(L)ES

NON-AVID READERS CAN SKIP THE RED

In high school, many of the girls date men instead of boys. On (too) many occasions, I have heard my girlfriends talk about their current boyfriends, or someone they are talking too. It’s always like," Yeah, he’s 23 and he’s in law school he has his bachelor’s in psychology". Sometimes I get disturbed by this and it makes me think about age and if it matters in a relationship.

I think it starts for the girls when they enter inas frshman. All the senior boys are quick to pounce on them, because they seem easy to sleep with. Because they may lack the knowledge, self-esteem, and just plain out maturity of a fellow female senior who can stand to look at them fully dressed. After they have sex with the senior, they move on, but to an older man. The girls in my school are always saying phrases such as,"I don’t date boys, I date men," and, "I only date people who are five years older than me". It makes me think, "what the hell?"

I mean let’s be realistic, if a 23 year old man is dating a 16 year old girl. HE IS NOT WITH YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, YOUR MIND, OR ANYTHING ELSE HE LIED ABOUT. But then again, I guess knowing how many teenage girls are sexually active, they know grown men are better in bed? ( Question here, because I’ve yet to test out the dynamic. LOL Anyone got an answer.) I mean, sure, plenty could say about me. "You have such a great mind, and I want to learn about it". But In my head all I hear is " Bullshit, you want some booty. STEP."


I think many are influenced by their parents with these types of things. For instance, my parents have been married for almost 18 years, and they are only 6 months apart in age. I think seeing that has somehow made me think I need someone my age. But, I mean boys my age ARE SO STUPID, IMMATURE, DESERVE TO BE LOCKED IN A CAGE UNTIL THEY GORW THE HELL UP. And honestly, I am SOOOO attracted to grown men. ( Let me clarify this a little better because that is so broad.) I am attracted to those men that are like 35 to like 55 ( I sound so gold diggerish right now. LOL) I don’t know, I just see such stability in that age bracket. (For the most part,) they know who they are, what they are trying to do with themselves, done with the foolishness of their twenties, acting as a MAN should, got their grown man weight from their slowing metabolism, and are just so fierce. I think it’s because I just love older people, I HATE children and people in my generation so much, it isn’t funny. OH and wisdom, I love sitting around older people who know who the hell they are and just watch them interact with each other. The wisdom you gain from the elderly is uncanny. ( PLus again, if twenty year old sex is better than teenage boy sex, than let's think about someone with thrityvyears of experience. WHOA. LOL)



MATURE FOR THEIR AGE



So many older people say this when dating someone younger than them. I think this is bullshit too. I mean many point out that I’m (supposedly) mature. But I don’t think I’m mature. I think there has been a degradation of maturity levels in the world, and really I’m living in the maturity level I should be at. But since no one else my age is where I’m at, I’m seen as minority. Or maybe I’m just saying this because calling me mature is like saying I’m this old boring senile person who says random back in my day phrases. (LOL)

I, personally, KNOW I can get a grown man. There is no doubt in my mind. The aduolts are always staring and some approach me, and when they see my book bag it’s always like," What school do you go to?" I tell them, and then there face breaks slightly and they’re like. " OH, so what grade". (I guess because if I’m a senior they can run that," I’m interested in your mind," bullshit.) But I wouldn’t be caught dead with someone my age. I have been thinking lately and I’m like me. So there is definitely a possibility that there is another boy my age, my speed in Philly. Saying that I'm the only one would be foolish, right?

STORY FROM LAST WEEK

I was going to my English 101 class, and I was getting on the train. I entered the threshold, and because my stop was two stops away, I stood at the door. But there were plenty of seats to be filled on the train. On the other side of the door, standing against the other partition, was this man. (Oh I was dressed in my GAP and looking grown. LOL) He started up some conversation and it was cute. Oftentimes when I’m in the middle of a conversation with some random person, I always note how we got there. That way I can learn some social skills. Our conversation is here:

"What are you listening to?"
" HUNH?" AS I push the pause button on my cd player.
" What are you listening to?"
" Oh Tobymac"
" Tobymac, what does he sing?"
" Oh well, ummm ( my music is different and hard to explain) he sings a bunch of different kinds of music."
We talked about music for a second, and since he didn’t know my people he asked me about Jay-Z and the locs ( I think that was their name. ) All the while I am thinking,"No this grown ass man is not scoping me out".
"What school you go to?" ( AS usual)
I told him, and then he asked my grade on key. I told him, his face broke slightly, but then he looked me over and I guess he thought, "I could deal with that".
Then he says ( this is the funny part)," SO where is your girl?"
I laughed, and shrugged my shoulders and say," I don’t know." ( I was going to say really cool," I like dudes". But not on the train going Northbound with whomever may have a gun onboard.)
Then he smiled,"you ain’t got a girl?"
"NAW"
Then he started just filling in blanks for me, that I was waiting for a "wifey" and not any ole smut. That is what he was looking for too, a wifey. Then he talks about how he has two," Oh I mean kids, not wifeys". ( ARE YOU ROLLING YOUR EYES YET READING THIS?)

But he was nice, I continued to talk. He started to RANDOMLY mention what part of the city he lived in. He wondered where I was going, if my school was in the direction I was heading. I left him on my stop, with him telling me to do well in school, because he had to go back and get his diploma. He kept acting like he didn’t want me to go, and then he said off hand that he was 19. Then my mind was like," You know that’s not that bad, and he is hot." ( Well he was sexy, not hot.) I left the train somehwat confused as to his orientation. I mean he was definitely flirting. I DON’T KNOW. I then began to go to one of my EVIL QUALITIES. ( That I am constantly trying to rid myself of. MANIPULATION. Then I started to think about how I sort of gave off that COMEFUCKME vibes, by standing right in front of him, instead of sitting. But that’s how I do on trains. I STAND. I guess this has lost its relevance to the post ( if it had any to begin with.) I sooo don’t need any interference in my life by any of the males in the world. ESPECIALLY WITH HOW I HAVE NO SEX DRIVE NOW. ( Oh it sounds bad, but IT IS WONDERFUL, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I’m feeling this part of puberty.) Besides I needn’t get into the technicalities that having a boyfriend couldn’t exist with who my parents are, and how I would have to lie to get a minute with the fool. (LET’S PLEASE MOVE ON.) ( BITCH YOU’RE THE WRITER.) (LOL)



But age isn’t maturity, and vice versa. But I guess with age comes other things. For instance, most twenty-year-older’s have cars. ( Which is really stupid because everyone knows that when you buy a car the value goes down from the moment it leave the lot. But if you buy property (hopefully a HOUSE) the value will go up. ) So, they think in their mind," I gave this young boy a ride, he owes me some head." DON’T MAKE ME HAVE TO CUT A HOE. I can’t deal with the drama. (LOL) And I mean one day, I’ll be in my twenties. If I’m (Let’s say) 22 and I’m with a 17 year older, what the hell does he have for me? I GUESS IT’S BECAUSE ALMOST EVERYONE IN THE OLDER 80'S GENERATION ARE WHORES AND CHILD MOLESTERS, THAT I’M GETTING THIS IMPRESSION. ( Aww that was kind of hard. I would say some...) Because I mean, just because you’re with someone younger that doesn’t mean you’re trying to run a scheme. But many see the younger as easy targets, because they’re naive, confused, and blind to people and their ways. Sometimes I think about rallying one of the younger boys, because they have that confusion that is just so easy to prowl on. But I don’t. ( Is that why the older mos prowl on the confused, plus the fact that they are usually sitting on virgin booty?)

But that’s not me. Naivete and confusion are words far from me. Also, we could add in the factor that my generation looks so damn grown. I mean when I’m in the bank almost every teller has said something on the lines of, "You can’t use your high school I.D anymore, because you’re not in high school. Do you have your driver’s license handy?" I am always like, WHAT? I am 16. " Oh, you are." I mean I am taller than so many adults. ( Not saying height determines age, but I am like 6'1 now.) One of my girlfriends last year, had a grown woman’s body, and a built grown woman’s body at that. She had 40-year-old men giving her houses. ( It was some Italian man who owned a construction company), and he was going to leave his wife to be with her. SHE WALKED AROUND WITH THE DAMN DEED IN HER BOOKBAG DECIDING IF SHE WANTED HIM.

I DON"T KNOW. Does anyone else think that high school kids should leave adults alone when dating? HELL. DO you think I should leave men alone and be with BOYS? Or should we be applauding my girlfriend for snatching up a lawyer at 16?

Because, lately I have been tempted to just walk up to some grown ass people. I do look older, and my LAWD. YALL JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND I COULD HAVE ME A GROWN ASS MAN. (LOL) ( but I’m so off males. )

I'm feeling really random today.



-Marz

Body a la puberty

Yesterday, I was treated to the dentist. The tooth I cracked at Olive garden was a tooth I had received a filling in a few years ago. The sides got weak, and I bit wrong. ( According to my dentist.) So after two shots of Novacaine into my jaw, I was ready for a whole new two fillings. MY WHOLE TOOTH IS ALMOST SILVER NOW. All I can taste right now is the silver. Because it's on the side of my tooth where the enamel used to be, next to my tongue.

The other day I got measured, and I'm 38-37-44. My counselor rolled her eyes at me, proclaiming her hatred for me, because I have a booty. I don't really think I do, because it's not what it used to be. But all these girls keep smacking, rubbing, pinching, and commenting on how they love my ass and wished they had it. ASS IMPLANT GIRL. (No not me, but they need to get one.) I have to start doing some squats, and leg presses because I want my ass to sit on my shoulders. (Figuratively.) IT CAN BE DONE, AND I WILL DO IT. But I mean I still think my ass is flat. But the tape measure doesn't lie. Or does it?


I've lost weight, and I'm getting taller. I wear a 32x32 now, comfortably, and it's so weird. Because I remember when I was big, and I used to say I didn't want to be a skinny heifer toothpick boy. AND I'VE BECOME ONE. Well not really, I still have legs, thighs, and whatever else. But if I drop below a 32 waist, I'm going on a binge. (LOL) For the girls, and Charles (LOL) I wear a 10. I think I'm going to start eating real food. I realized that my diet is really organic. Raisin Bran for breakfast, pop tarts and fruit for lunch. A healthy dinner of whatever mommy cooks for dinner. I may not have the metabolism of a normal 16 year old, but I can eat a bag of chips. ( Although when I do, my insides feel horrible, and I have to eat a salad, and drink a gallon of water.)


HAIRY MAN

I haven't been shaving, because it's cold. My (cheap) father wants to keep the heat at 65 degrees, so I need to retain as much heat as I can. I cannot wait to shave these legs. I love the feeling after you shave your legs and rub them against ANYTHING. Especially really soft fabric. The other day while brushing my teeth, looking at my face in the mirror, I noticed some hair on my upper lip. Most boys my age get excited, but I screamed, " fall off whore". Then my mother yells, " who are you calling a whore?" (LOL) I started to think about shows like the Cosby Show and how Theo was so hype about growing facial hair, and I just don't care. When my father was going to beat me up and throw me out the house, he told me during the cool down conversation, "When you're ready to start shaving tell me so I can teach you. Don't ask your mother." I don't have a problem with him teaching me, but that is all I want. For him to teach me. He always has to make it a song and dance, like when he taught me how to change a tire. (Horrible day.)


He doesn't know that I've been shaving since about ten. (pubic hair) Then I got really professional with my legs. (That first time was a MESS.) But I guess your face and your legs are two different things in entirety. RIGHT? I think I'll just wait for my facial hair to reflect a young Santa, and then he'll just call me into the bathroom for a tutorial.


I've been feeling really sensual lately. (I think that's the word.) I want to take a July nap, with the covers cool over my body naked, with my Marquis in my arms. The sun shining in that concentrated area that coincides with the time of day. SENSUAL, SENSUALITY, SENSACIOUS. I think I'm losing my mind a tad bit.

I'm off.

-Marz

VALENTINE"S DAY

So it's Valentine's day. I'm sure many of yall are seaarching for that old Beyonce cd, trying to play track number six.

I could be all BOO HOO, saying where is my man. Maybe if I didn't look like this, or kiss like that, or have a drug addiction, I would have a man.


Or I could take the I Don't care stance, writing, "Valentine's day belongs to be in Black history month, because the same way many only realize their pigment level in February that's the same way, many realize they love someone. And give the tired, " you should love people everyday".


But instead of all the bitter Kelly Price/Mary J. Blige song infusion, I'M BEING CUPID.


Passing out valentine's, and wishing everyone well off. Because last week I think I finally got it. When you're in a relationship you love that person but on your anniversary its special, and you do special things. It doesn't mean that you love them more, or only show forth love on your anniversay, and V-Day is like another day to lavish your boo.

But of course I too know those couples who argue every damn day of the year, and then on V day are lovey dovey they have some mediocre sex then get divocred on the 15th. I think those are the people who influence everyone negatively.

VDAY IN HIGH SCHOOL

The children go all out. The boys make sure they get some virginal vagina by talking to freshmen starting around after Thanksgiving. They play them all up, and then they give out bling. Worth about $200.00 ( YES THEY DO), and honey girl gets all," He loves me". HE WANTS SOME PUSSY. Give it up like a good hoe so he can move on. I roll my eyes at the naivete of people. I hope no boy ever makes me be naive and blind to his ways. It could happen.


SO WHo ARE MY Valentine's?

1. JESUS.

2. MARZ

3. Family

Of course some people say these are counterfeits because it isn't romantic love. But, LOVE is LOVe and I will not be pressured into societies standards that I need a romantic love for it to count as a real LOVE. Besides who loves me more than Jesus? I love me more than I personally think anyone can ever love me, and my parents will give me some chocolates. (I wonder if my dad got me his annual card that always has an inscription that says something like," it's alright for two males to love eah other and not be gay". IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW HE WRITRES THAT IN THEM. LOL)

Today, I'm going to lavish myself. Give me a home manicure, long hot bath with some jazz. Because I love me so much, it's uncomprehensible. Celebrate my self love a little extra special.


EPIPHANY

I reached an epiphany recently that I think I want to write here, because it's a part of my teenage years. I'm always talking about sex, because I think I want to be a sexologist. But in all reality, I've never been kissed. I've never even been on my first real date. So I put my stuff into perspective, and I want to do that whole SAVING MYSELF thing. I mean, I guess, I already am, no one likes me that way. (Well girls do, but they can't have this. EWW.) SO yeah. Because I want it to be special. I want as Carrie said in one episode of Sex and the City, the zsa zsa zsu. (LOL. I'm so gay for quoting The City.) And of course I am going to write about my first time, in detail, all exclsuive. But personally, I think I'm going to be 27 when it happens. SOO whatever. (LOL) But that will be a aprt of my teenage ( adult) years, so I'll have it all in here, the good the bad and of course the ugly.



I'm a bit depressed today, because living in the ghetto is like an ocean of negativity around you all the time. Sometimes you get tired of swimming and just want to stop, but you know you'lll drown. And even though you may try to be as postive as you want, in the end it will only add to zero. ( Sometimes not even that.) I keep having this dream that I get shot after graduation, and it's like really taxing. Because it's like, AM I going to do all this work for my life to be ended and it all be a waste. I know it probably means nothing but the dream is SO REAL. I don't know.


But enjoy today people, don't be all sad, and I think you have your Beyonce cd under your bed.


-Marz

Nerding it!!!

There is no school today, because of the foot of snow that fell from the sky. I'm actually surprised, because as I've said before Paul Valls is a mutant who controls all frozen precipitation. (That's why all the snow fell on Saturday and not this morning.) So I'm surprised he canceled school. I still have to go to work, and then to college.

A lot of times I think about the school I go to, I wonder if it was the right choice. Especially lately when I've been doing other things. For instance, my Saturday school is at a more remedial school. The kids are slower, the teachers teach slower and I'm doing excellent. My college courses are easier than my high school classes too. Also, when I hear certain people say, " yeah I go to CAPA, our WHOLE school isn't gay. Well it isn't anymore." I get mad that I go to a school where all the boys are so damn closeted.


My school is a magnet school and I just adapted to it breeding lab rat children. For instance, when I come into a classroom there will be work on the board and I just copy it as habit. Then the teacher will start to lecture, and I have to start taking notes. Afterwards, I'll be given homework, and told what the work on the board has to do with, and when it is due. In these other classes, the teachers have to tell the kids to copy the first stuff off the board. I'm being taught like this because my teachers are preparing us, (the stidents) for ivy league colleges. Even though many of the kids will be applying to prison instead of college. It's like educational bootcamp. But overall, I'm glad that I go to my school. If I went somewhere else, I know I would be a totally different person. (Probably less stressed out. LOL)


For third marking period I want to do so well. So I'm becoming a nerd. I already am, I guess. I mean, I have no social life, and I don't have fun. SO I'M BECOMING WHAT I GUESS I ALREADY AM. But I haven't divulged myself into my nerd capabilities, and now I am. I have to do well in school. An education means more to me than other kids. It is my escape from the ghetto, my escape from life in the upper lower class. My parents are poor. I'm not one of those people who are blindfolded, and the only goal of their life is to have money. Because despite growing up poor, I was the type who since there was so much love we didn't notice poorwe were. ( Well until the water was cut off, or something like that. LOL) But I want to have things. I want to have good etiquette, and wear cufflinks. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WEAR CUFFLINKS. ( It's so hard being gay and poor, the two don't match.) I will only be able to live the way I want if I get an education.


But lately, I've noticed that I'm starting to inspire people. The other day my mother told me how I made her want to go back to school. My aunts and uncles, after hearing about me now, are saying that they are going to finish their degrees or start new ones. I find it like WOW, that I am inspiring people who are well near and over 40. MAny are on the," If you can do it, so can I". SOme of them have been saying how they've been thinking about it, and seeing me gave them belief that they could do it also. I FEEL SO...... I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. It's like I'm bettering my family by just being me, and that is so HOT.

But I have to start focusing and paying more attention to my education. Because it is my ONLY hope for a better life. Sometimes it's hard because I get so drowned in the ghetto, and feel as though I'll never get out. I'll always have to live my life the way it is. But that's bullshit, and I know it. But it still gets hard sometimes, like when I'm outlining notes on the trolley, and others are having fun. Or the kids who will have easy ways out, and I know that at the ten year reunion they are going to be living big time, but doing small time work. But fun won't get me out the ghetto and I know that. I need to keep on. Also, all those people who feel as though they need someone to look up to to get out the ghetto, or that that is wrong with the youth. That's bullshit too. I don't know any local doctors, or lawyers. My parents occupy the professions of a crossing guard, and a bus driver. YOU HAVE TO LET IT COME FROM YOU. Because when Dr. So and so leaves, he'll be taking whatever he hope he gave with him. But if it is in you, then you don't need someone to let you know you can do it. I HAVE NO ONE TO SHOW ME I CAN DO IT. But I am, and I'm going to do it big. As soon as I figure out this electron shielding formula. (LOL)



P.S. I AM STARTING A PORN COMPANY. That wasn't just random speaking. It's just something I'm going to do. I'm not going to be one of my models. I'm going to start a company, handle all the business, hire pornographers, models, photographers, writers, and everything else. It's just something that I'm going to do. SO get in while you can, because you never know where you could get hired. WOULDN'T YOU ALL LOVE A JOB IN THIS FIELD? I see a market that isn't being administered to, and I am going to be the administrator.

P.S.P.S. Heavenly Heathen I was SOOO going to buy one of those dildos. LOL. But I want my virginity to be all special and whatever, so I didn't. But I was tempted, had just cashed my check too. I got this old looking face, and they wouldn't have asked for I.D. But naw. LOL


I'm off to hit the books, because I'm a nerd. A fly, gay nerd. (They don't get the boys. But, I wasn't getting them to begin with. LOL)




-Marz

MENTAL SLUT

The plague is still upon me, but the germ doesn't know which human it's infected. I'M MARZ AND YOU HAD BETTER LEAVE BEFORE I EAT A DOZEN LEMONS. ( Now that that is out the way.)


HEYY PEOPLE. WHAT IS UP? WHAT IS GOING ON?


In Philly, we received over a foot of snow last night, and today. So there was no church, or maybe there was but my parents weren't motivated enough to travel through the foot of snow. I personally slept all day, and my sex drive came back with a vengeance when I woke up. PORNLAND IS REOPENED. (WHOA it was hot. LOL) People who mastrubate on a daily basis, take off for a good six weeks, and then just BOOM. It is MARVELOUS.


WHAT YOU GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT DICK, ALL THAT DICK INSIDE THAT CONDOM? I'mma fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck you on the table, the counter, inside out, upside down, and in your left ear. ( One of the lines missing from the Black Eyed Paas, "My Humps".)


Yesterday, I had Saturday School. Of course, again, the classes were extra easy. RICKY wasn't there, HAGH was. We talked briefly. I've given up on them. I just don't get along with boys and shouldn't try. IT'S HOPELESS.


Afterschool, KIKI was coming to meet me so we could go Valentine's DAy shopping for her new man. (Whom I roll my eyes at by the way. But he isn't my dude. I've realized that I can't control anyone, and I have to let my friends do them. BUT IF I EVER GET WITH SOME GANGSTA, I WANT ALL MY READERS TO CURSE ME THE HELL OUT, AND KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO MY SKULL. ALRIGHT?) I was standing in front of the train stop waiting for her to come up. She surprised me, by coming up the other stairs, and then approaching me from the side. "You looking for a boy hooker?" was my greeting. Because EVERYONE who I've asked has said that I not only have the look, but the qualities of a high priced boy hooker. I'M STILL SO DISTURBED BY THIS. She almost died when I said it. But I guess it is good that people see that I would be a worthy boy hooker. (LOL)

Sincre I had a transpass (which I never do) we were able to be lazy and catch the bus for two blocks. (We really did.) We went to Victoria's Secret, and KIKI freaked out. She was so childish in there. She was looking at the cotton panties exclaiming how cute they were. Then she was like, "I need help". Because she didn't know what to pick out to be sexy in. I tried to pick out something extra sexy, but she didn't want that. She was going to buy something that I found to subtract from all horniness. But while in the line she was like,"you know, this isn't me," and put the clothes back and ran out. We talked about it over soup, salad, and breadsticks at the Olive Garden. I LOVE IT THERE SO MUCH. I cracked my tooth on something in the soup, (Literally) and now I'm going to need a cap.

KIKI and I walked through the snowy streets talking, until we got to South Street. We went into Condom Kingdoms. So many people hyped up that store, like it was the freakiest store EVER. I didn't find it to be all that exclusive. Although I must say, there was not a need for those dildos to be so big. I Mean MY LAWD. THERE IS NO NEED FOR THAT BIG OF A DIDLO. NO NEED. NO NEED DAMNIT. WHO NEEDS A DIDLO THAT BIG? ( I have been banned from South Street in general, if my parents knew they'd DIE.)

We then walked through blizzard like weather to some random bus, Which after getting on, we realized that that would take KIKI all the way home. I got off on Broad Street and went to the GAP to buy this shirt. I wanted to get some pants, but the discounted pants weren't discounted enough. WHAT KIND OF CLEARANCE RACK WAS THAT? 29.99 for a pair of pants. OH NO. People you must all get to Old Navy, their spring t-shirt line is wonderful.


I then went to Tower and as I walked pass the magazines, I finally saw some gay porn magazines being displayed. Usually, all there is is the PLAYBOY and all that. But, I had to wait for this man to leave. ( Well I didn't but whatever.) I went over and got one ( WHY ARE THE WHITE MEN ALWAYS IN THE FRONT?) ( NOT THAT I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST WHITE PORN, BUT THEIR BUTTS ARE DIFFERENT SHADES THAN THE REST OF THEIR BODIES. FULL BODY TAN HELLO ANYONE) I got the magazine, and wrapped it in something else, and went to listen to Ms. Headley. Even though I wasn't supposed to leave the designated area ( or look at them at all. I KNOW.) But my lawd, where the hell is my older gay brother who slips me stuff on the low, or has his under bed collection. HELLO CHARLES X? WHY THE HELL DO YOU LIVE IN TEXAS? ( Anyways LOL)

While looking at the magazine, and listening to MS. Headley, I began to think about how I want to change the world of black gay porn. I mean it's nice that one story may be all homo thug, DL, out of jail story. BUT EVERY DAMN ONE. I mean am I the only one who would like to see two lawyers having sex? ( On a big mahogany desk. YES) Two businessmen? Two characters that have real names, that weren't taken from the mother's random yelling while getting knocked up. "Hello my name is Faleem, but they call me F-shine". I'm going to start a porn company. ( Well not right now, but eventually.) And I'm going to work it out. Because all gay black men aren't out of jail, DLed, and homo thugs, and I would love to see the others get banged out their minds. (Also, how are those people in BLACK INCHES going to be all thuggish, looking all queened out. UMMM, HOMOTHUGS DON'T GET THEIR NIPPLES PIERCED.) Maybe I'm the only one who sees this. WHATEVER.


I need to go finish some homework, these essays are so hard to write.


HMMM. Can someone do some research on how to start a porn company? I mean, is it just that simple as taping some stuff, and taking some pictures of people? (HMM Ponder.)



Do we see why I need to be church on Sundays? (LOL)


I'm off.


No Statcounter Sunday because I'm still fighting off the plague.



-Marz

THE PLAGUE 2006

The human body is an amazing entity. For instance, the last six days I have been sick with something, and I became awe stricken with how the body adapts to try and kill the germs in our body. Getting to overwhelming hot temperatures, sending out white blood cells, trying to capture the germs in mucus which is then triggered to be sneezed out, and so many other things. The body is such an extraordinary thing, and I am happy I have one.(LOL)

As I’ve said before, I have a really strong immune system, and I only get sick once every few years. But when I get sick, I catch something that I should be quarantined for. And since my family’s immune systems are so weak, they always catch whatever I had and end up in the bed, sick. I think my sickness is the thing that has had me feeling so weird. Especially from the last post where I wrote about feeling internally weird. (But that doesn't explain other things, I'll chalk those up to hormone changes.)

Whenever I get sick my family treats me really weird. They make fun of me, and they always get a big laugh off of my sickness. I get extra bitchy, and start to throw knife-like words to combat the character flaw they seem to have. For instance during the Half-Time show (which was horrible, or maybe it was just me.) I was telling my sister not to laugh at me because I was sick, and my mother advocates her making fun of me. "When she’s sick, you make fun of her," I was too tired to start arguing of how I never make fun of her. I said very venomously, "don’t start your stuff". My mother then starts yelling, "I don’t care how sick you are. I don’t care if your head was about to fall off and your neck is squirting blood, you will show me respect." I then had to cut her, "you wouldn’t care because that shows the inconsiderate person you are". (I get so mean when I’m sick.)

WORKAHOLIC

I am constantly trying to learn new things about me whether from the negative or positive aspects. Because you can learn things from both sides of the spectrum. I realized that I am a sort of workaholic. As I lay in the bed Sunday, I was looking at the roof drained of all energy, just wishing I could move. Because then maybe I could read a book, or do this or that. I started to scream, and pray for me to be able to go to school, work, and college the next day. Because I didn’t want to miss any school work, or money, or mess up my perfect attendance. While expressing this to my mother later that day, she kept saying, "you need to rest, you need to take a break." I WAS GOING TO SHOOT HER. Especially the next morning when I awoke to a note near my face reading, "your still hot, and you’re not going to school". I thought I would lose my mind, and I wanted to get up and move, because I am one of those ," I’m not sick" type people. But I couldn’t stop coughing, and hacking.

I don’t exactly know what to do with the knowledge that I am addicted with having stuff to do, working, and having a full schedule. But, I guess learning something new about yourself is always good. Also, I guess I realized that I viewed me staying home sick as being weak. Like, I didn’t have the endurance to continue on. ( It really got to me on the second day.) I see that I have to get over that. I think it’s because when I see people get sick, I see them as weak (immune system wise). And since I seldom get sick, I see myself as superior. (Alright this is starting to sound a bit crazy, but let me see where this leads.) So I guess I have a sort of pride or view on the sick ( weak,), that when I get sick I sort of condescend on myself, for not having the endurance to continue on with normal living. ( If that woman didn’t keep me drugged on Nyquil, I so would’ve escaped to school though. LOL) Whatever I’m healthy now, which means that I won’t be sick again for a good while. And I am so happy about that.




But I am not happy that I missed two days of school. Two days at my school is equivalent to almost a whole college semester. (Alright maybe it isn’t that serious, but you have no idea how much I have to make up.) My second makikng period report card shouldn't even be recorded here, but it is definitely motivation to make me do better third marking period. I care about school now, and I'm more focused. Funny how I wait until the year my grades count and I mess up big time. WHATEVER. According to a majority in my life I have the looks and abilities to make it as a boy hooker. I'll have to look into how well that pays. ( Alright not really.)


But, what the hell was happening yesterday? I went into this hysteria and just started singing the whole cd of Detiny's Fulfilled. (Yall know yall where extra hype when you first heard that cd.) I kept singing Girl over and over. That is my song. I may have some issues with Ms. Knowles, Ms. Rowland ( what is her new last name anyone?) and Ms. Williams. BUT, GIRL YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CRYING DON'T BE ASHAMED TO SAY THAT HE HURT YOU, I'M YOUR GIRL, YOUR MY GIRL, WE'RE YOUR GIRLS, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WE LOVE YOU. (Alright so I'm still a bit sick but in school doing my workaholic thing.)



I wonder how many times Coretta Scott King has rolled over in her grave already?-Marz



-Marz

DEATH

Death is upon me, and I have no idea why I came today. LAWD GIVE ME THE STRENTH TO NOT CUT SOMEONE.


I LEFT ME KNIVES AT HOME THOUGH.

Good thing I always have a pen handy, give someone ink posioning at the same time.


I so have to get to everyone's blog. I feel so horrible.



GERMS ARE RAPING MY INSIDES. I'M CALLING THE POLICE. I'M BEING RAPED DAMNIT


-Marz

SUCH A LOSER

Have you ever signed on to your buddy list and saw that no one was online, and then you thought to yourself, " Of course not, what loser would be inside on a Saturday afternoon but you". I wasn’t going to write today, but that wouldn’t be fair to me, when I read this as an adult.

Today I went to the Saturday School program. The first class is so easy, and the other kids are very remedial. I read some of my book for college. Afterwards, I walked around greeting the kids from my school. I then went to the computer lab, to check my mail. No one e-mailed little ole me. But I guess I haven’t been e-mailing people myself. I’ll get to everyone’s blog soon enough. (If only we didn’t have damn dial-up, it wouldn’t take an hour to see one blog.) RICKY poked his head in the room, and screamed ," Hello!" I said hello back, but he was walking out the door, and I didn’t know if he heard me. I went back into the hallway, where all the kids are standing like it’s the corner. I got one of my friends, SANTA CLAUS, by the arm and we walked to her class. RICKY and HAGH were with this other girl, and I wanted to say something. But I didn’t want to interrupt them, also because, I don’t want the kids from my school seeing me with the gay kids. ( LORD I AM SO CONFLICTED IN MY SOUL.) ( Acting like a damn DL.)

Anyway, on the way back from walking SANTA, I passed them again and I think I heard HAGH say something like, " he gonna act like he can’t speak". So I felt bad because I didn’t say anything. Second period ended, and I was just looming around. I was really waiting for RICKY and HAGH but I’m not in there group. (YET) and I don’t want to impose myself on them. Every time I walk by them all I can do is, " Wassup." (LOSER)

It was raining and RICKY, HAGH, and their group was standing in the patio of the school. After my school people left, I went out onto the patio. I decided to just bare the weather and not wait for it to slow down. However, when I went outside, I realized that it was just drizzling. I walked down the street, seeing RICKY’s red jacket. They were half a block away, so I had to think of someway to get with them. I crossed the huge street almost getting hit a few times. RICKY’s group where sharing a huge laugh. And then HAGH karate chopped along RICKY’s back straight down hitting his ass.

I got across the street and RICKY was saying his goodbye’s, then I was beginning to walk down the street, because I didn’t belong, because I’m always acting like a damn hermit. RICKY screams, " MARCUS!," I turned around, and he pointed to HAGH screaming his name.GEsturing us for to get together. I asked HAGH which way he was going, and he was going my way. We walked and had some conversation, I was so mad at me for not being more conversational. I know what the problem is.


THE PROBLEM

Since I am so hyped up about having gay male friends, I have become so worrisome about making sure that I get their friendship. So far they seem to be all right, and not two faced and whatever else. (Otherwise I wouldn’t care.) But, I feel as though, if I don’t make friends with them then there will be NO ONE for so long. My life is the SAME thing every week, and believe me I know there will be NO ONE EVER to come. They are in the life like and I want to be, and next summer, ( Hell this summer) I could be at a party getting hit on, just plain having fun.



As we walked down the street, he just kept throwing out questions. I kept thinking, "say something jackass." It was cordial, it was cute. I was kind of happy, because although I wasn’t all HEYYYY, like I can be. I was like hey. ( You totally don’t understand this unless you’re me. LOL) I went and got my photo Id for college ( which looks a mess, I should’ve taken off my glasses. But that is such a difficulty for me. My glasses are like a buffer to hide my face sometimes.) I then went to the Library to start Planning YES. ( I’ll write more on this later.)

I left the planning meeting, and on girl disturbed me saying, " I like the little Usher look on you." I was feeling like, "EWW. Usher would not wear this."
I went outside and it was pouring down, I walked quickly to the closest Metro dispenser, and got one to cover my head. I walked to 19th street, and saw the blue light flashing, which meant I had to go to 30th or 15th street to get home. I chose the closer station, 15th street. As I walked through the Metro Market underground, there was this sexy boy on the phone. He gave me a look and I gave him one back. I passed him as he talked on the phone, then I passed him again on the way to see if the trolleys were running yet, and then I passed him on my way to the EL. Each time we stared each other down, and he smiled. I was going to say something, but the explanation is too much and reserved for another post. Basically, I SOOOOO don’t need, or have time for a boyfriend. I always WANT a boyfriend when I’m bored on the weekends. But wants and needs are two different things, and wants are oftentimes not needed. Because I don’t want to be a loser. But who knows, maybe this is what I need to teach me something.

I got to the trolley after a short ride on the EL, and this grown man was in my face staring at me. Looking at my sneakers and everything else, and when I looked at him, he looked down at his shoes. I AM STANDING THREE INCHES FROM YOUR FACE, AND YOU ACT LIKE YOU’RE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TRAIN AND I WON’T SEE YOU.
On the trolley I pondered few things. I don’t feel like talking about them, I’ve been feeling REALLY WEIRD LATELY. And I have no clue what the hell is going on. I know it’s something internal because I just feel so weird. Plus, I’m a little depressed.

Maybe someone will be on later, and I won’t be as much of a loser as I know I am.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME?

I wish I had the answers.

-Marz

RANDOMNESS, MY LIFE THE SCREENPLAY, AND A POEM

There is no school today, and the crazy heifers and I are going shopping later on. IT’S WILL BE CRAZY. I want to know why I think they scheduled their periods to start at the same time. They think they can act crazy together. See, because they don’t know I’m gay, and can say the word MENSTRUATION with no problem, and they think they can act crazy and scream," my period is on." And I’m going to make that contorted face of a heterosexual man and run. HEIFERS YOU WILL NOT ACT CRAZY AND THEN TRY TO DO THINGS ON PURPOSE AND BLAME IT ON YOUR HORMONE CHANGES. Came home the other day my sister is on the top step crying because she couldn’t find the cat. Blocking the staircase and just crying AT MIDNIGHT.


Last week, I told KIKI I liked boys. She obviously has questions but she doesn’t want to offend me or she doesn’t know how I’ll take them, or whatever. Of course, I’m glad that she is considerate of my feelings, but I want her to ask me and not act like she doesn’t have questions. It was so hypocritical of her when she said, " You know if you do STUFF, you have to be more protected than even me." I was like, " Who am I? I’m always taking to you about safe sex." WHATEVER. I only look cute one day a week, and that’s when all my peers on at Christopher Street. SO I won’t be doing STUFF anytime ever. I’m so going to be like 27, when I have sex the first time. (LOL) We’ll talk more about it and whatever. DON’T WORRY I’LL REPRESENT OUR COMMUNITY AS WELL AS I CAN. She was so shocked when I told her I knew at 9.

MY LIFE THE SCREENPLAY

The my life the screenplay moment this week, was so hard to choose, but I think this one is it. BACKGROUND INFO: I am always threatening my mother when she does certain things. Some of you ( my readers) have been threatened of being cut with a knife, and taken to AA. (LOL) Back in August, when I was going to the appointments of my crazy breast cancer ridden grandmother, ( Who now has to get her aorta replaced before getting the lump cut out.) I was wearing a gimp bracelet I made. ( You can see one of them in the picture where I’m on the couch portraying a tired queen.) My mother pointed it out to my grandmother, because it had gotten too quiet. Then she said I would make her one. I was so mad she volunteered me without asking, but I started to make it. I had lost the bracelet, so I didn’t care, because I thought I wouldn’t see her again for a while. During Christmas when we were visiting, my grandmother out of nowhere remembered the bracelet. So now I have to make another one. I was expressing my outrage of being volunteered. Second, how when my grandmother remembered, my mother says, "OH yeah Marcus you were going to get done with that. You need to stop being lazy." Trying to make me look like I was being lazy. And here we are:

" NO one told you to volunteer me to do anything. I am so mad at you, and I should throw acid in your face."" Now didn’t I tell you to stop saying THAT."" No. You told me to stop saying that I was going to set your hair on fire."" OH yeah, well stop saying that too. That is happening in other countries.""What are you talking about?" ( Now whenever my mother says something about another country, I know to run but she always pulls me in.)" In India there was this homosexual man and he wanted this attractive young man to be a homosexual too. And when the boy said he wouldn’t be with him, he threw battery acid in his face. So that he wouldn’t be attractive anymore. It was like a if-you-won’t-be-with-me-you-can’t-be-with-noone-type thing." ( Of course I’m sitting dumbfounded.)" Where did you hear this?""On the Indian news channel, that comes on Saturday at noon. BUMB BUMB BUMB BUMB BUM BUM BUM". ( Trying to make the music of the news broadcast.)

Alright you so you see I’m a bit off at home, but these heifers drive me insane.I didn’t know what to say. I was just through with her.



I leave with a poem I wrote on the trolley.

Ocular Visions

Through

Diffracted Burnt Sand

Reveal

Business men

Selling or being sold

the genocide of my generation

Modern day Jezebels

working

5 inch heels

teaching little girls

dependency on the X-chromosome

I want to be a runaway slave

Been plotting out my path

Since Middle School

SEE CUZ

Paths outline the

broken sidewalks

But only the legalize youths

can see them

through educated eyes

and

in the moonlight of hope

The ghetto is my enslavement

Cages dilute pupils wide

sensitive to the changing of the sun

Hiding in the corners of shade, trickery, and deceit.

Enslaved with delusions

that the MAN supposedly placed upon you

YET

Your AK-47

addiction

and stagnation of soul

weren’t delivered to you by any MAN

not even yourself

Because you act like boy

Yes

These cages

seem to be placed under the vaginas of women

giving birth

death

and enslavement

to inhabitants of the hood

THANK GOD BRUTUS WAS SUCCESSFUL

(I wonder how many got the last line. PONDER)

Sometimes I wonder, if when I get a life, I’ll miss me when I was dead.-Marz


-Marz

NEWSFLASH PEOPLE

I WAS WATCHING WILL&GRACE AND TAYE DIGGS WAS ON PLAYING A GAY BLACK MAN. AND HE AND WILLL KISSED. omg omg omg omg gom OMG OMG OMG OMG OM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM GOMG ( I'm throwing a conniption right now.)

DID ANY ONE ELSE SEE?


-Marz

BLACK HISTORY MONTH MAKES ME MAD

Black History month makes me mad
Because

if it takes 31
revolutions
After one
revolve
for you to realize your history
than you've already been gotten

Black History Month enrages me
because

my history goes back farther

than
the contents of Martin Luther King Jr's
unconcious mind
and
Rosa staying in the front of the bus
newspaper
jail cell, and
walks

NO

my history goes back to when God breathed air into dirt and created man
Because man-air= dirt
And dirt isn't the color of sand
and man-dirt=air


Hot AIR
you try to blow up my ass
relax my sphinter
to fuck me insane
and infect me with your poison
of HATRED

Black history month infuriates me
Locked in bell controlled cages
Watching images of
NEGROES ON FIRE
BURNING THE MEAT
THAT DOGS LOVE TO EAT

While a teacher sits and screams

fervently
" This what they did to your people, this is what happened. You hate the whites.

YOU HATE THEM. KILL THE WHITE MAN, KILL HIM. HE IS THE REASON YOU'RE NOTHING."
I am already something

and I haven't even stepped into manhood yet

WATCH OUT NOW.

I don't want to hate anymore

or be taught about such actions that had

MY LAWD

Crucified

For
Nikki Giovanni did write

"how do we welcome the future

not with the colonialism of the past

for that is our problem

not with the racism of the past

for that is their problem

not with the fears of our own status

for history is lived not dictated"

OR was Sister Giovanni

outcasted upon this publish

Selling out her stock of

BLACKNESS

to be bought by the "MAN"

to give us the great programming on

BET

My skin holds my stock

and I'll be damned

to live a life trapped in the

ghetto

poverty

lifeless place

that is supposed to be the

STOCK EXCHANGE

But seeing as many couldn't read (or comprehend)

Wall Street

I shouldn't take conflict with

tongue-lashers

Maybe we should change the name to

BLACK SUPREMACY MONTH

We can put on the white

hoods of brotherhood

for brothers in the hood

Oh wait

Black Republicans

and pastors have already joined

Leaving the lower class

and unrighteous

to just be

brothers in hoods (Aeropostale if you don't know.)

Black History month boils my blood

Because Hoodlum

and the lyric of Jason

doesn't NEtwork

my African Heritage.

BEcause I still sit and wait for

quality cinema to showcase me

in this day AND age

Becuase the color Purple

began in the early 1900's.

Because during this month

when blacks are killed

"That is a shame"

will escape many mouths

maybe we should kill other races in February

build up the

internalized hatred

breeded in the streets, homes, churches, and minds

that are still enslaved

the 13th ammendment can't sink into our brains yet

MAybe we need a song made

" You're free. Get a job, better yourself. Because you are continuing the definition of the word nigger"

Words come out of term

when there is no need for them

Or do we all still say"snazzy" ?

That way

we can have

the black homocide rates back on track in March

Hell

Don't we all just want to break the records?

That we haven't broken in the NBA,NFL,EWO (easy way out)

Saves plenty of jail space doesn't it?

And opens plenty up in the colleges.

I find it funny how WE as a color.

(Because to call us a race would be to admit our failure, or late start

and finish. (God forbid))

Want everyone to celebrate us

YET

we take no part in Hispanic Heritage month

or

Asian American Month

There is no celebration to be held

really

Maybe we should celebrate

a 6-year-old boy

shot in the back of the head

paralyzed for life

by four black boys (in adult bodies)

who just had to have the dead presidents

They must have missed their black supremacy classes

because if we hate the "WHITE MAN"

Why did they strive to have them line their pockets?

How many can bitch and moan about what they bitched and moaned to receive

because

WE

got the shortest month

because holidays as important as

Valentine's and Groundhog Day

conflict with our schedule to learn about our

history.

I do believe there is an opening in August

but that would probably conflict with Aunt Susie's barbeque

or the millions of family reunions.

Why does it take February for many to realize they are

BLACK?

Does it take MARCH

to roll around

for women to realize they have a uterus, estrogen, and could rule the world if

they would stop fighting over the lower gender (Or each other)?

Does it take June to roll around

for the gays

to show Pride?

(Don't answer that one.)

How many commercials will be shown by McDonald's talking about

"365 Black HIstory Month"?

When they only show it during black history month

OH

and During the Vibe Awards.

MY HISTORY EXIST LONG AFTER FEBRUARY ENDS,

AND I WILL CONTINUE TO LEARN IT

AND NOT ACCLIMITIZE TO OTHERS

WHO WILL FIGHT TO HAVE

ONE OF THE SIX MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. BOOKS

IN THE FREE LIBRARY.

But I will also continue to learn about others history.

You see, because

although the ones the black supremacist have taught me to hate

may have hated me

I'm better than that

and did they not walk too?

Did they not help the railroad?

Did not Thoreau sit in jail as to not pay for a war that supported slavery?

Maybe it was to EUROCENTRIC for you to read

anything besides

THE GANGSTA LIFE-by shanika Jenkins in South Carlow projects.

SOUNDS BETTER HUNH?

In closing I say

if you woke up this morning

and realized while in the mirror

your excess of pigment

and realized that you wanted to

ALL OF A SUDDEN

learn about your history

You've already been conformed

mine as well continue on with your indifference

because there is only one MLK book left

and I just helped a boy name Harold take it out.

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good, OH Lord, Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.-Nina Simone (I am so distraught that they put her song to that commerical.)

R.I.P. MS. KING (I have nothing against your husband, but all I'm saying is there are so many more to be learned of.)

Feel free to comment on my ignorance, chalk it up (or down rather) to my age.

P.S. ( I'll have to put it in its original stanzas later, because this computer is acting a mess.)

-Marz