Adulthood Pt.1

“Time’s a wastin’, don’t you take your time young man, keep on drifting, ain’t no telling where you’ll land.”-Erykah Badu (Time’s a wastin’ Mama’s Gun)

Walking down Fifth Avenue I don’t halt for the red light or the oncoming cabs. I miss getting hit. The collisions that allowed me to come back to reality. Those words that people chose to throw like daggers. Slashed me open and threw salt on my face. Made me recognize my place, taking the white man’s job: outsourcing. This is unreal. I am from the rough streets of Southwest Philadelphia. I live in the Financial District. My reality is currently unreal. I am thankful.

Running through streets, searching for myself, my new best friend, the happiness I know resides here. “This can’t be right. “ Switch trains, switch directions. I am on my way. New York is where I will become a man, a great man. Philadelphia made me a great boy.


“Marcus, I don’t understand why you don’t have a boyfriend or at LEAST some thug to mess around with? It’s New York. You are handsome, you style is SICK, you’re smart, and…it’s New York.” “ Do the rules change because it’s New York?” “YES!” We share a laugh, bond, friendship I cherish deeply. “The boys my age aren’t on my level. I am trying to run an empire, their life goal is to be called for Stars, Statements, and Legends. We’re all the same age, but they all think it’s cute to be stupid and a whore. I refuse to lower who I am to be deemed cute by some worthless male. I don’t have time for that nonsense. I can be a whore when I‘m smart with a master‘s. I can‘t be messing with some man like…you‘re age.” The shade goes ignored. “ So you’re saying you don’t see anybody up there.” “NOPE!! Unless, his name is Bachelor S. Degree I’m not interested currently. Right now my boyfriends are: Marcus, Jesus, My School, and New York; the four of us are very happy.” “Bitch, you wearing those damn glasses without the lenses again.“ “My glasses are cute, and you want them.” “True. But, you better put some contacts into your head and find you a someone.” “My happiness resides in me. Allowing it to exists in another is setting myself up for a life of misery.”

I am a father. Thirteen beautiful brown and black children who need to be nourished, loved, taught to read. I have so much hope for them. I did not know I had so much love within myself to bestow upon another. I am opulence. They notice my clothes, my books, my flaws; and love me in spite and despite.

Five shots of Vodka, no effect. Horrible music. Ugly Men, inside and outside. Galang & Bamboo Banga. Train rides from Brooklyn past midnight are many things. Terrible Parties, Wonderful memories.


Bjork in Bobst. My life in practice, not romanticization any longer.


“I don’t fuck with the trade honey,” he said, “ I need a REAL man that can carry a purse and pump through the hood with some CLASS!”


My mother says she hears growth in my voice. My father is saying he loves me now. This is a wonderful experience. We have grown together, apart.


The New York bloggers are supposedly shade. Everyone is shade. I know I am. I remember reading them when I was 15, they seemed so shiny. Some of them lack a spark to make a faint glimmer. The others are brilliantly dazzling.


“Everyone possesses the tools to shine, some just like being thirsty rock-kickers”. What are my majors? “ Well, actually I have three right now, but they’re interrelated. The first is the covert pedagogy of white supremacy. Basically, I want to study how white supremacy is taught to children of color, and those lacking color, in covert manners. For instance, lately I’ve been looking at the messages that are in commercials. Every commercial break, at least five commercials come on and many have some sense of where everyone belongs. There is that one commercial telling fathers to spend time with their sons. Why are the father and son African American? Why is the father dressed like a bum? Why is there a lack of other ethnicities on television?


I also want to study the conceptualization of race and sexuality and the intersection of the both. I’ve been meeting African immigrants who have expressed that upon arriving in America they’ve conceptualized themselves as black. How does one conceptualize their race in America? In another country? How does one conceptualize oneself as gay? Queer? MSM? SGL? The Trade? Can we resist hegemonic perceptions and form our own identities? Is forming our own identities as a resistance to the ascribed labels useful?Third, I want to study pornography from a sociological and anthropological view. The other day I was watching one and the top kept calling the bottom boy. The production didn’t amuse me, but I found it interesting in the tops’ utilization of, “boy.” Both sex partners were black, and we all know that the white folk used to call African Americans boy as a derogatory term. Why in African American porns are the men these drug dealers, pimps, and robbers? Why do three Puerto Rican men who are “Straight” decide to start an escort service? What does that say about their mentalities that the only thing they are good at is fucking? What kind of world do we live in that would have Latinos living in conditions where the only jobs that are conceivable for them is fucking? Why do they have sex in train stations and alleyways? I saw some horrible Caucasian porn, and the two were lawyers. I’d also like to create a historiography of Pornography for men of color. These young children are so amused with Enrique Cruz and Tiger Tyson, but have the slightest clue about Randy Cochran and TJ Swan. A travesty. I still want to be a sexologist too. I have time to figure it out.

My friends says I should go into fashion. Photographer, Stylist, Model, Designer. It’s a bit too stereotypical for my taste.

I think I do want to pursue modeling. I look better than that man who got the ad campaign for H&M. I’d rather be chopped at open calls then know there is potential that is wasted.
At least I’ll know I tried.

My first novel is being written.

Self love is a constant effort. Every day I change. I lost fifteen pounds. I gained five back. I am giving up meat. I want to have a child. I’m going to dance. I cannot continue to love the person I was when I was fifteen. He is gone. I am no longer a size 44 waist. I am still a nerd. Even though you may love who you are, you must continue to love yourself as you change grow and evolve.


“I had to reintroduce myself to everybody I know: My mother, and my father. ‘Listen, yall never knew me‘. I want to introduce you to me. I’m just getting to know me, and you know what? Anything that’s not growing is DEAD, so we better be changing…I‘m changing because that‘s a natural part of life, we’re all supposed to change. Who wakes up and is the same way tomorrow and the day after that? Nobody is. Let the experience teach you and be real man. And there’s going to be warfare involved, because there’s some people who prefer deception, see. They say, ‘Ugh, I don’t like this new expression’ and I say, ‘well, what? You want two thirds of me to stay outside? I’m a whole person.” -Lauryn Hill


People search for themselves. We are always there, but afraid to truly encounter ourselves. Standing in front of a mirror, naked, I’ve allowed myself to face my fears. I am imperfectly perfect, perfectly imperfect.

“I realized the other day that I don’t care about being rich and famous. I don’t need a big house, and fancy car. Now, of course I need clothes, lots of clothes, shoes, and accessories; but I’m here to help people”. “ So basically, you’re going to be a social worker living on the street outside of Barney’s?” Silence. “And that is why I love you.”

I’m grateful and humbled by my purpose on Earth.

“Some people may not understand, what it means to be a man, taking full command. Cuz we’re living in a world that’s oh so strange, boy don’t let your focus change, taking out the demons in your range. Living in a world that is oh so fast, gotta make your money last, learn from your past.” -Erykah Badu (Time’s a Wastin’ Mama’s Gun)


-Marcus a.k.a. Marz