My First Time

"The same mouth that will speak ordinary words now say things only meant for me as it roams my face and neck. Hands that will casually grip a stranger's neck now travel lovingly down the curve of my back, pulling me closer. Though two thin layers of skin keep us apart, spirit knows no such boundaries and indeed we are one."-Sidney Brinkley


My first time was a passionate embrace. I paused and looked at his beautiful black male body. I could not resist the urge to bring his attention to his beauty, I wanted to scream this at the top of my lungs. My roommate, however, was awake at his desk reading a book, and I could see it took self-restraint to not peer into the action in my bunk. "You're so beautiful," I whispered, and he was dumbfounded, as if my beauty emanated so strongly his could not ever penetrate, as if he was hideous. "No, you're beautiful," I felt a euphoria. My soul was raptured, and our spirits embraced and conflated above the physical restraints of flesh and blood.

I thought of the beauty of two black men loving each other. A beauty that is rare. A beauty that was horridly disfigured in the act of Cain killing Abel, black men unable to love each other because they were taught to hate them self; feeling he must denigrate his fellow man in order to distinguish himself. We existed together neither relenting our essence, acquiescing our agency, yielding against our will. This was a beauty I rarely experienced growing up. My father punching my in the face at four, blood dripping down, inhaling blood, standing in a corner for four hours, fighting fainting-this was the beauty I was taught to love. Being gay bashed in front of the police station at thirteen by my "brothers" who were knew that I would one day escape the ghetto. They did not want the token Negro to speak of the "black experience", as if there is one experience, as a gay experience. Besides, that's that "white shit".

But, it wasn't "white shit," it was black love, the type that God wanted with Adam when he decided to create utopia at the intersection of the Euphrates and the Tigris Rivers. Spiritual love. I love his spirit. If only this love could be felt by all men of color towards each other, the solidarity we could create, the hegemony we could subvert. The bourgeoisie knows of the benefits of discord. Willie Lynch did wonders during slavery.

A few hours of sleep feel like an eternity of rest. How did I ever sleep without him in my space? I ask this often when I think of the many sleepovers growing up, and how I could never sleep. I would rest, but I could not sleep. I do not like people in my space, I feel violated.

We woke and entered the light together, walking into the bathroom He, I, and Lauryn Hill on the toilet. She felt so comfortable and inspired by this black love that she serenaded the morning. Nothing even mattered at that moment like the fact that I was missing class. WE found peace of mind, and rhythms that flowed just like water. Dirty/clean, fresh/FRESH, a wonderful oxymoron of a morning. Back to my bed, "Baby, you gotta go to class," he offered. " Fuck class," I responded, "besides without me there the professors will see that I'm the star pupil. If I'm not there then they'll have no one to steal comments from and everyone will know they did not read". We slept, and I have not slept like that, since conception. Ever since being formed, created, supplied the necessities of life to exist. In that bed I was formed, supplied necessities of life. He is my safe space when I am attacked, when I am annoyed, which is often, he forms me...


And what fucks me up the most is...I was created to help form him. My purpose is divine. One day, I will tell him I love him. I love the God in him.

If we are all the children of God, then aren't we all Jesus but with different names?

If we are to be crucified I want to be on the hill next to him, and we will resurrect together.

After telling anyone about your first time, one of the first questions is, " How was it?"

Simply put, "RAPTUROUS!"

I'm enthralled beyond belief I waited, because I will never regret my first time.


-Marz