Whispers to God for a Past Lover.

I knew I could never love you because you did not love yourself. I fell in love with the idea of you loving yourself and realizing it was a reflection of me. You had 56 years of bad luck prior from the mirrors you left shattered. Words like bricks you beamed at my head, so fast I was too smart to realize you never wanted to look in that mirror.

Yet, I stood, erect waiting you would see my brown skin, my masked smiles, my pained eyes filled with visions, my words exposing the dreams I had when I slept alone, with you in my bed.

Age 10: "Mom, There's this boy that likes me in class, and I like him back".
Mom: "Marcus, you leave that boy alone and keep focused on your school work".

Age 14:"I'm gay"
Dad:"Pray, and stay focused on your schoolwork, you're really good at that Spanish, stay focused".

Age 16:"Yes, I'm a homosexual".
Mom: "One day a girl will find you attractive. Just keep praying and focus on your schoolwork"


Just keep praying and focus on your schoolworkJust keep praying and focus on your schoolworkJust keep praying and focus on your schoolworkJust keep praying and focus on your schoolworkJust keep praying and focus on your schoolworkJust keep praying and focus on your schoolworkJust keep praying and focus on your schoolworkJust keep praying and focus on your schoolwork...The day I stopped praying to a God in heaven, and to the God in me, and put down my books I was able to find you.

I told myself we could remain friends. I wanted to hold onto that feeling of love I told myself I'd always have, but it was fleeting like your ambrosial scents, your self reminders you were bisexual, me remembering why I liked you in the first place-the things I knew I could possess if I read the correct book.

The day you left I prayed.

-Marcus "Marz" B.